March 2007

How to tell you might be kinda stupid

Symptoms to look out for:

  • You're a cab driver
  • You work in Beverly Hills, CA
  • You get a fare to Chapel Hill, NC
  • You decide to take it

Witness:

Cabbie says he was stiffed on $8,200

Fri Mar 30, 9:19 PM ET

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. - A taxi driver told police he was stiffed on an $8,200 cross-country fare by a female passenger he shuttled from Beverly Hills, Calif. to North Carolina.

The meter in Levon Mikayelyan's taxi cab hit the staggering fare after a 2,600-mile journey that ended at a Holiday Inn in Chapel Hill. Mikayelyan said the rider's family paid him only $800, Chapel Hill police spokeswoman Jane Cousins said Friday.

"We do get reports of people who are not able to pay cab drivers, but certainly not with this amount," Cousins said.
{...}

So Cousins is saying not all cabbies are this stupid? Good - it's been my general experience that they're not, though they can be a thieving lot, depending on the city you're in.

They're often apparent refugees of Austin Powers' least favorite group:

Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.

But they're not often this stupid.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 2

Since we can't really reopen the book on Minnesota...

Minnesota has already had its turn in the barrel, and it's far enough in the past (Aug 2006) that simply appending this item to it would consign the appendage to obscurity, and spare the Gopher State the additional ridicule that it so richly deserves.

So, Minnesota gets to be our first multi-part state smackdown recipient, all for a single news story from today:

Minn. lawmaker lobbies for Tilt-A-Whirl

Fri Mar 30, 5:38 AM ET

ST. PAUL - State Rep. Patti Fritz, DFL-Faribault, has introduced a bill designating the Tilt-A-Whirl the official amusement ride in Minnesota.

Fritz said she's taking up the cause of 52 kindergarten students from her district who say it deserves special attention because it was invented in their town.

"I represent children too," Fritz said, adding, "Minnesotans like to have fun, and it's a fun thing to do."

The Tilt-A-Whirl is a platform-type ride consisting of seven freely spinning cars holding up to four riders apiece.

Herbert Sellner invented it in 1926 and the first one debuted at the Minnesota State Fair a year later. Sellner Manufacturing in Faribault still makes it.

Minnesota already has a state muffin (blueberry), a state gemstone (the Lake Superior agate), a state drink (milk), a state butterfly (monarch) and seven other official symbols.

Sorry - it's short, so I just included it all. Well, that, plus it's a Yahoo story, so it'll eventually disappear from the web on its own if I don't snatch it. Can't have the Ministry archives filled with dead links, now can we? Of course, the story itself is a bit short on important details, such as surprise vomiting attacks suffered by tilt-a-whirlers and indirectly by those to their left and right.

Another thought occurs to me, now that I've gone to all the trouble to lift that entire news story - we could just start another semi-regular series here at the Ministry, one devoted to ridiculing individual legislators also richly in need of such ridicule. The potential downside, of course, is that given the size of the list of valid editorial targets, we're woefully understaffed for such an enterprise.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 1

Pretty Much Over The Top In Suck

Ohio, place of my birth. I love Ohio, really. I miss it, but not enough to go back on more than a temporary basis. Despite its virtues, Ohio is nevertheless easy to ridicule. It had a bad time there for a bit, and hasn't really recovered. So let's not make it any easier:

  • Ohio: Pretty Much Over The Top In Suck
  • Ohio - Almost As Thrilling As It Sounds
  • The buckeye isn't the only thing with one eye
  • It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
  • With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
  • With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible
  • Safe for undergraduates since 1972
  • At Least We're Not Michigan
  • Ohio - The Fascinating Meat In a Indiana-Pennsylvania Sandwich
  • Redefining "Average" for a new millennium
  • We didn't know he'd grow up to be Marilyn Manson
  • Stupid is the New Smart
  • Hey, At Least Our Cows Are Sane
  • Ohio - Shoddily Made Buckle of The Rust Belt
  • Gateway to Hoosier Land
  • Where the not-quite East meets the almost-Midwest
  • We ruined it for everyone
  • You Don't Have To Be Southern To Be a Frightening Hillbilly
  • We know all about illegal immigrants. Ask us about Parma
  • New Ohio! This next one will be dynamite, huge. You’ll see
  • The Thingamabob State
  • The Real Birthplace of Aviation, not those Lamers in NC
  • Come on, the River Hasn't caught fire in almost a half Century
  • The outstretched eastward facing phallus of the Midwest
  • Rocky beaches, no riptide
  • We have the worst medium-sized cities in the country
  • Surf the North Coast!
  • You'd think the home of Rock and Roll would be more… exciting
  • We were prosperous, once
  • You say "White Bread" like it's a bad thing
  • Can you believe we almost fought a war to get Toledo?
  • Best fucking Roller Coasters in the universe, baby
  • I'll show you a Buckeye, Mister!
  • No. That's not a satanic symbol. They're just stars for each of the 13 colonies!
  • Ohio: Where one of your dad's friends lives
  • We're actually quite lame, but you smell what I'm stepping in here
  • Birthplace of seven Presidents, one of whom didn't even suck
  • Go Indians... and take the Browns with you!
  • Drew Carey doesn't even live here anymore
  • Three yards and a cloud of dust
  • Ohio, birthplace of the Drunkest, Fattest, Short-termiest, and Most Corrupt Presidents
  • Rubber capital of the world. Like the tires, you pervert
  • Ohio Thanks You For Your Pity
  • Birthplace of the Hot Dog
  • The Taft family started out fat and went downhill from there
  • Birthplace of Three of the Five Greatest American Generals
  • With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the governor doesn't hurt, either
  • Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
  • Hey, just stick with it. If plate tectonics holds up, someday we'll be in New Zealand
  • Ohio: lots of nice, and largely dull, people.
  • Tourism just hasn't been the same since 'WKRP in Cincinnati' was cancelled
  • Don't Judge Us Until You See Indiana
  • Tell West Virginia to move back to West Virginia
  • A Good State
  • Ohio: a Mohawk term meaning 'filthy, yet stupid'
  • As Close to A Palindrome as You'll Get in This Country
  • A million miles of boring
  • The "Holy God This Is Boring" State
  • Mayo Goes On Everything
  • We almost killed Lake Erie once, and if it even looks at us funny, we’ll do it again
  • Hey France, want it back?
  • We're easy to spell
  • Proud of Marilyn Manson, Marge Schott and Jerry Springer
  • Home of the World Collegiate Cow Tipping Championships
  • The old Northwest
  • Cleveland's not as bad as it used to be
  • We know the rules to euchre
  • Soda? We say pop here, fucko.
  • Screw this "Lake Effect Snow" Crap
  • Ohio: Fat Ass Country
  • Where people from Newark or Detroit can find a better life
  • The Alabama of the North
  • Ohio Escape Velocity higher than that of Jupiter
  • German Humor, Appalachian Neatness
  • The dropped Infinitive State
  • Your broadcasters sound like us
  • Tin Soldiers and Nixon's coming, We're finally on our own. This summer I hear the drumming, four dead in Ohio

[wik] Bonus slogans!

  • Kiss your wife where it stinks: visit Ohio!
  • More colleges per capita than any other state, as if that makes a difference
  • Ohio: helping the gay small-business owner find somewhere else to live since
    1803
  • George Washington's Back Forty
  • Why they keep shootin at our presidents?
  • Home of the Cleveland steamer
  • North West Virginia
  • Just passin' through!
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 4

A Good Beating

My favorite rock album of 2006 was by the New England collective The Beatings, whose sweet-tart invocation of the greats of Boston's postpunk history (The Pixies, Sonic Youth, Mission of Burma) on Holding Onto Hand Grenades struck me as much more than just attribute to their influences.

In the wake of the release of that album, Beatings guitarist E.R. (aka the improbably named Eldridge Rodriguez) kept going, writing and recording his own stuff under his own name, finally releasing in late February of this year an album of his own, This Conspiracy Against Us.

Many of the songs on Rodriguez' album could fit comfortably on a Beatings record, but where the band as a whole tended toward tense, rigorous arrangements featuring loud and layered guitars, Rodriguez alone is much more relaxed, at times a little more acoustic, and in a welcome way, weirder. He's still comfortably within the basic genre definition of "indie rock" or "postpunk" or whatever, but he sounds like he's having a ball.

What do I mean by "weirder?" Well, for example, although the Beatings have a nice way with a hook, I can't imagine a Beatings song featuring hand claps, 'sha-la-la' backing vocals, or a cheerleader chorus bleating "a-c-t-i-o-n, action, action, we want action" underneath the big hook. But there they are, the female chorus on "You Get What You Want," adding a winsome dimension to what's already a hooky modern rock song.

And I can't imagine, well, anybody with the courage to write a Bowie song and record it in a Bowie voice like Rodriguez does on "Black History Month." Yet, there it is in the middle of what, by rights, ought to be a mildly interesting set of songs by one member of a not-famous-quite-yet rock quartet. This Conspiracy Against Us is full of songs like this, quirky enough to stand out, but strong and restrained enough not to just be irritating, cutesy or precious.

This Conspiracy Against Us probably isn't going to win any awards, and probably isn't (such a crime!) going to break huge and move a million units at retail. But Eldridge Rodriguez has made a very impressive, accomplished and most of all interesting debut album, and that's good news for the future.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 1

Strange headline of the day - 3/29/2007

Dateline: Detroit "Police Say Gay Man Not Fatally Beaten"

Odd headline, I think you'll agree. Several interpretations seemed possible.

He was beaten, but not fatally.
He was beaten, but was somehow happy about it, and not dead.
He died, but not of a beating.

I had to read the story to find that it was the third. There's fifteen minutes of my life (1 minute reading, 14 minutes pontificating) I'll never see again.

DETROIT (AP) - An elderly man whose death became a cause for gay rights advocates died of natural causes, not from being beaten, authorities said Wednesday.

According to family members, before his death, Andrew Anthos told them a story about how he'd been injured, and the story, as told by the family, included indications it was a hate crime. Serious charges, well worthy of investigation and punishment, if true. But it turns out the Wayne County Medical Examiner's Office looked into matters, found that Anthos fell, determined how & why he fell, and in any event couldn't find evidence that anything about the story as related by the family was true.

Regardless of the circumstances, it's a shame he died - 72's not very old, really, and becomes less old to me in concept the longer I live.

The closing portion of the story, however, was even harder to parse than the obtuse headline:

Fedenis [his cousin] said she was shocked.

"I won't let this rest," Fedenis said. "I can't let this tarnish him. I don't want anyone to think it wasn't a hate crime."

"I won't let this rest"? What is she going to do, go hire a different medical examiner? Refuse to allow burial until she gets the outcome she seems to want? Stage a sit-in at the county morgue until they agree with her strangely-preferred explanation?

"I can't let this tarnish him"? What? He's dead - not only don't dead men wear plaid, they don't tarnish. And in what alternate universe is it better, from a dead person's perspective mind you, to have died from criminal actions rather than an accident? Is she concerned that all the other dead people won't respect him, once they find out he just fell down, instead of being beaten down? That because of concerns about his coordination, he'll always be one of the last guys picked for the dead-person basketball leagues we all hear so much about?

"I don't want anyone to think it wasn't a hate crime"? Not even if it wasn't? And what possible benefit is there, to Anthos or his family, for this to have been deemed a hate crime? None, near as I can tell.

Having already wasted a minute reading the story, I figured what the hell? and went back to read it again. Is it possible that the only benefit from this man's unfortunate death being classified as a hate crime would be the ability of "gay rights causes" to use his corpse as a cudgel? Shamefully, it seems the answer is yes.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 1

Reports of my death have been exaggerated

In a codicil to my recent posts about the slow death of the major music labels, Daniel Gross of Slate points out that the compact disc, though bruised and somewhat diminished, is alive and well. Classical and boutique sales, as well as nontraditional distribution schemes, continue to thrive as they always have.

About this, I ain't surprised at all. One of the labels I worked for back in the day had made its reputation - and its fortune - in catering to the long tail. They pioneered nonmusic retail partnerships (like what Starbucks is doing now), direct-to-consumer internet sales, and grassroots marketing, and for a long time did fabulously at it. And in a micro-parable of how the industry now goes, only got into serious trouble when they tried to get too big too fast and found themselves caught flatfooted, too small to compete at the level of the majors and too big to effectively cater to the grassroots fanbase that was a big part of their cachet and bottom line. At the end of the day, or at least the end of my career, the Big Giant Album from a Faded Popstar lost money hand over fist with as many returned lots flooding back in as had gone out the door in the first place, and the little record of birthing room music that had sold twenty to forty copies a week for fifteen years continued to sell twenty to forty copies a week, week in and week out.

Guess which one's still in print?

It's not the compact disc that's dead - it's the entire major label system that lives and dies by selling millions of them at a time.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Short stories

The Onion has a pretty good featurette on songs that work as stories. I don't know all their choices, but the ones I do know are top notch. A couple of my personal favorites, not on the list, are "Can You Fly" by Freedy Johnston, which is about a farmer and his son who find an angel lying bleeding in their field, "Wreck of the Old 97," which by now has transcended everything to become part of the American DNA, and "Poncho and Lefty" as written by Townes van Zandt.

That last one's just amazing. Let's look at the lyrics.

Livin' on the road my friend, was gonna keep you free and clean
And now you wear your skin like iron, and your breath is hard as kerosene
Weren't you mamma's only boy, her favorite one it seems
She began to cry when you said, goodbye, and sank into your dreams

Poncho was a bandit boy, his horse was fast as polished steel
He wore his gun outside his pants, for all the honest world to feel
Poncho met his match, you know, on the deserts down in Mexico
Nobody heard his dyin' words, but that's the way it goes

All the Federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him slip away
Out of kindness I suppose

Lefty he can't sing the blues, all night long like he used to
The dust that Poncho bit down south, ended up in Lefty's mouth
The day they lay poor Poncho low, Lefty split for Ohio
And where he got the bread to go, there ain't nobody knows

All the Federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him slip away
Out of kindness I suppose

The poets tell how Poncho fell, and Lefty's livin' in cheap hotels
The desert's quiet and Cleveland's cold, and so the story ends we're told
Poncho needs your prayers, it's true, but save a few for Lefty too
He only did what he had to do, and now he's growin' old

All the Federales, say
They could have had him any day
They only let him run so long
Out of kindness I suppose

A few grey Federales say
They could have had him any day
They only let him go wrong
Out of kindness I suppose

The way I see it, the narrator of this song is some middle-aged guy who's seen it all, probably missing a finger or two. He's talking to some 22 year old punk he's known since he was a kid who thinks he's hot shit and is bragging about how he's gonna knock over the mail stage or something, he and this other guy you see, this real tough son of a bitch. And our narrator sighs, kicks back, and tells him all about how bulletproof Poncho thought he was, how badass Lefty thought he was riding with Poncho, and how he was there that day when they laid Poncho low, and saw Lefty piss himself behind a rock, then crawl out as the Feds closed in, snatch the moneybag, and light out for God only knows where. And down through the years, word has gotten back to Colorado how so and so saw Lefty one December in a bar in Cleveland, looking like shit and still waiting for the hammer to fall, with the money long drunk up and all the good parts of his life behind him. And then our narrator gets up, tosses a buck on the table, and leaves the punk kid to contemplate whether any deed is worth a life spent hiding out in Cleveland.

[cue Paul Hogan....] Now that's a knife.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 1

Great Homos in History

Die Welt reports that the fat bastard Belgians are teaching their children that Ataturk, revered father of the modern secular Turkish state, was a total homo. Not surprisingly, initial response from the Bosporus is not receptive to this claim.

No time to translate the whole piece- feel free to work on it yourself and update as appropriate.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 6

Dispatch from the Ministry of Hops, vol. 15

I've started using this tool to generate names for the beers I make. In fact, just last weekend I kegged a batch of Paul Newman's Portentious Sharks With Fricking Laser Beams Tied Their Heads Pale Ale, and it's positively delish!

Hm. I'm flaming today. Fascinating.

Anyway, here is the recipe I used:

5 lbs light dried malt extract
1 lb wheat dried malt extract
1/2 lb Crystal malt 60L
5 oz lb Crystal malt 135L
1 oz northern brewer hop pellets
2 oz Crystal hop pellets
SAFbrew #33 dry yeast - 2 packets
Nature's Pride Spring Water

Steeped grains in 1 gal water at 140-160 degrees for one hour. Sparged in 3 gallons of water heating in brewpot. Added steeping liquor. At boil added both DMEs and Northern Brewer.
At -40 added 1 oz crystal hops
at -15 added 1 oz crystal hops
at -1 added 1 oz crystal hops

Removed to ice bath and cooled to 90 degrees in 30 minutes.

Added about 2 gallons cold spring water to carboy and placed near open door to keep cool (during which I forgot to attach the airlock to the carboy, risking contamination of the beer). Strained wort through funnel, with again plenty of opportunity for contamination. Added water to make about 5 1/4 gallons. Pitched dry yeast with the last water addition at about 60 degrees- very low.

[wik] Despite the numerous opportunities I gave everything to contaminate, nothing bad happened; just a nice vigorous fermentation at 68-70 degrees. I let everything sit for about two weeks in the carboy, and kegged directly from primary. I used Munton's KreamyX (which sounds so DIRTY!!) to prime this batch, because I want a nice thick creamy head. (That's what she said! (haw!!))

[alsø wik] In all honesty I was going for a brown ale on the lighter side of the style with a serious hit of hop flavor and aroma without much bitterness. What I ended up with was a dark pale ale with a noticeable but tasteful hop presence. In fact, it tastes almost exactly like Ipswich Pale Ale, which fellow New Englanders will recognize and a very fine example of the style. So, what the hell. It's just beer.

[alsø alsø wik] Speaking of beer, I now have portions of five batches of homebrew in my basement, making a total of approximately 18 gallons. My wife is pregnant and thus is no help; I can no longer fit in my pants what with the constant "sympathy-eating" I'm doing. So, I beg of you, all of you-- please come to my house and drink all of my beer. I'll make more!

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 6

Ministry Nostalgia Wednesday

Apropos of recent music wonkery by Johno, I got to thinking about vinyl albums...erm, "alba"?...Maps, "alba"?...and was trying to recall the last vinyl record I bought.

As longtime readers may recall, I worked one summer in a record store ca 1997. It was at the end of the Old Ways, when most of the store was CDs but there was a cassette wall at one end and, no crap, a small bin of re-issued 45s (that's as in "rpm", Buckethead, not "ACP"- if only!) opposite the register. The experience was good in many ways- heard tons of great music, got some decent swag, decent discount on the few things I bothered to buy- and terrible for all the usual reasons that come from dealing with the public, fortified by that public's complete resistance to buying anything good. I swore that if I sold one more single of Butterfly Kisses I was going to start replacing the discs with Straight Outta Compton. But that summer was spent right on the terminator, where forever after music would be dominated by digital collection and players.

Which brings me back to vinyl. I'm pretty sure the last vinyl I bought was a real nice specimen of Axis:Bold as Love- because I do like to wave my freak flag high, although not as often as I used to- but that was purely for its own sake. I was trying to remember the last one I bought because it was the best medium available- I didn't have a CD player yet, and always thought tapes sounded like poop so tried to refrain from those. I'm pretty sure it was Iron Maiden's Somewhere in Time, ca 1986.

What about you?

[wik]In other reflections or musing about digital musics, I've just learned that if you're copying a CD into itunes while writing a Ministry post, and, once copied, take it out and put in a new CD, your entire post vanishes. I wasn't sure how to build that into a digital-music-hates-the-analog-Ministry riff, so I just left it alone and rewrote it as best I could recollect.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 3

Got Fuzz?

Ok. We all know that I'm THE seething ball of estrogen here at the Ministry, but you'll have to indulge me my girlish shrieks over the star of Shaun of the Dead, Simon Pegg. I saw him LIVE AND IN PERSON not 5 feet away from me on Friday night. No. I didn't rugby tackle him down asking him to marry me, but he wasn't much bigger than me. I could have done it if there weren't a table and some chairs in the way.

This weekend I saw a sneak preview of Mr. Pegg's new film, Hot Fuzz. I absolutely adore Shaun of the Dead and have a right dead crush on our hero, Nicholas Angel. After all, he can leap fences like nobody's business, and the handspring stunts in the greenhouse, set my heart a flutter. Two gun, Johnny Woo action with Nick Frost. It's more than a girl can bear. Yes, he's a twit. A fascist adherent to the law, but the film is hilarious.

In a word, BRILLIANT.

It will be opening in the US soon. Meanwhile, any of you minister lads have his original show, Spaced on DVD?

Posted by Mapgirl Mapgirl on   |   § 15

What's the opposite of chosen?

The Palestinians, infamously, are a people that bad things happen to. Whether from the perfidy of others (Jews), natural causes (Jews) or their own tragic flaws (planted there by Jews) calamity seems to stalk the Palestinian people like some loathsome stalking thing. Latest in a long line of humiliations and embarrassments is this: "Five dead in Gaza 'sewage tsunami'". Many people get hit by tsunamis. But only the Palestinians would get hit by a sewage tsunami.

[wik] I am truly sorry for those who perished, and for their families. But I can't help seeing this as one admittedly noisome piece of a larger picture.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

Everything Old is New Again, Again

In a followup to my thoughts the other day about the self-destructive tactics of the music bidness, the New York Times has an interesting article about the sunset of the album as the dominant commercial musical medium. Last year, digital singles outsold physical albums for the first time, which is bad news for the labels as their per-unit take on digital singles is several orders of magnitude lower than on traditional album sales. In a fascinating turn of events, the Times article also profiles a young group who have signed a singles deal with Universal, and who are thrilled at the low-risk exposure they'll get for recording three to five songs, total, for a major label. The majors in turn are contemplating turning this sort of contract, previously reserved for novelty records and one-off all star fiascos, into one of their most common deal structures. This is a surprising and ironic turn of events.

Well, perhaps it's not surprising to you, but it sure as hell is to me. Not six years ago I sat in a room with the management team of the label group I worked for and listened to them announce that we would be getting out of the singles business forever.

To be fair, it made sense at the time. Back in early 2001, the music industry was even farther away then it is today from figuring out how to make money off of digital downloading, and sales of physical singles had dwindled. The singles floor racks of the 1960s had shrunk in the 1980s to a singles wall, and by the turn of the millennium was just a couple singles next to the checkout counter. Albums ruled the day. All across the industry, labels were getting out of the singles business as sales dried up. Sure, there were a couple markets where they still moved, but for the most part, it was dead as disco. Digital media wasn't even a blip except insofar as it could help market traditional CDs.

And that's the central insight that I think is missing from the usual narrative of how the music industry is hidebound, venal, greedy, etc. etc. etc. (all true anyway no matter what, but still...). For fifty years or more, the music industry has been able to dictate, or at worst, adapt readily, to major shifts in media. This is because new form factors came along at a slow pace, and were never all that disruptive to the current status quo. The grooved record had more than three quarters of a century in the sun, from its introduction in the early years of the 20th century to the late 1970s, before it was supplanted by the tape. Tapes too, had a good twenty-year or more run before they were indisputably tackled by the compact disc. And the compact disc, again, had about twenty years between its major commercial adoption and the current seven-year slow strangulation the industry is currently undergoing.

And this time, it's not just form factor and playback technology that's changing. This time it's the entire distribution chain that's been upended, the very business processes that the labels and their affiilated industries (manufacturing, distribution, commercial radio, retail) have built their success around for, in some cases, a hundred years. That's hard to understand, much less accept. I can't imagine any industry agile enough to turn on a dime like the record industry should have when Napster first came on the scene, so a few years delay in getting their act together is no surprise. But now that seven years have gone by, it's still pretty clear that the industry as a whole is still trying to sell buggy whips to consumers who have never even seen a horse.

As for the irony, I do find it ironic that what seemed like a very sound business decision in 2001 - shutting down the singles shop because singles don't sell - turns out to be an early indicator that the music industry was not only unequpped to adapt to the implications of downloadable music, but at the time the technology matured were actively shutting down the only parts of their business that could even comprehend any part of what the future would hold.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 4

You are hurting me with your words!

Via Hilzoy of Obsidian Wings, the greatest student complaint ever recorded. Just a taste:

I appreciate you taking your inconvenience to instruct us but I really had some problems in your class and I would like to explain them to you now. Every day I wanted to discuss with you about the way you grade my papers and the way you teach the class, but I could not because the things you say in class and your words disturb me so much I can not. You make me completely uncomfortable with the little things you say in the class like how you talk about television or how you talk about when you are grading our papers and trying to be fair. You do not seem to care about our grades only that they are up to your too high standards and I can not talk to you because you make me completely uncomfortable. For example, you say you will talk to us about our grades but you really will not because of how uncomfortable you make me feel with your words and what you say.

I will plan to contest the grade you have given me in this class when I get it because I know it will be much higher with any other teacher. I am a very religious man and you are not a bad person but you do not choose your words with enough care like a teacher should. You try to be objective and the very attempt becomes your flaw because you try so hard to grade fairly and comment wisely that you become biased to your own ideas. You criticize our writings because we are college students and young but do not realize that you offend most of us when you do this. I am always offended when I go to your class and have been on many occasions but I never tell you of my offense because you make me completely uncomfortable so I never say a word.

--snip--

I am a very religious man and I love every one but I will forward this letter to the head of your department so he can see that I am a serious student who does not deserve the grade you will give him because I write so very well.

According to the person who shared this partially redacted note (so as to protect the innocent), the writer of this missive, who writes so! very! well! is indeed a native speaker of the language, indeed one whose background suggests access to the very best schools. So, any lack of command of the language is entirely his or her fault, as is the stunning lack of socialization or introspection.

Let's all point and laugh!

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 1

The Fist of the North Central Plains

With official and semi-official nicknames like the “Peace Garden State,” “Flickertail State,” and the “Roughrider State” you’d think that North Dakota would be a haven for gays and homersexuals. You would of course be wrong.

  • The Fist of the North Central Plains
  • Really, it’s all badlands
  • Last one to leave, turn out the light.
  • You probably don't want to visit any more than we want to live here.
  • Come for the barren wastes, stay for the extreme temperaturesHighest Temp 121 degrees on July 6, 1936 at Steele. Lowest Temp -60 degrees on February 15, 1936 at Parshall. 181 degrees in six months, not even counting heat index or wind chill.
  • The OTHER South Dakota
  • By “Roughrider” we refer to a military unit from the Spanish American War, not some sort of gay thing.
  • By “Flickertail” we mean the squirrel, not some sort of perverse East Coast gay thing
  • No, we are not repressed. Why do you ask?
  • We thought adopting Milk as our state drink would make us more exciting and increase tourism
  • Visit us, please. We need the money.
  • Yes, there really is a Fargo
  • Gateway to Manitoba
  • 70,704 square miles of nothing
  • See Below
  • Liberty and Union, Now and Forever, Except with those fuckers in South Dakota
  • The Birthplace of the Macabre
  • The South Dakota of the North
  • Visit North Dakota and double our population!
  • The International Peace Garden is a stalking horse for Canadian Imperialism. You’ll see.
  • No, We're not Part of Canada
  • We’re pretty sure we’re not New Jersey.
  • We really are one of the 50 states!
  • Avoid the urban sprawl, overdevelopment and pollution that is South Dakota
  • We’ll leave the light on for ya
  • Don’t trust those Frenchified South Dakotans
  • There is only one famous person from North Dakota. Fuck if it isn’t Lawrence Welk.

[wik] Bonus slogans!

  • Forty below keeps the riff-raff out
  • It never snows here, but it does in Manitoba and blows through on the way to South Dakota
  • A woman behind every tree. So yeah, about three women.
  • Inga's in the potato field, yah, yah, sure
  • We're the third largest nuclear power in the world, so I'd watch the sugar beet jokes, mister
  • Home of the world famous Mr. Spud disco
  • North Dakota: Come for the...stay for...come...wait, come for the...ssssomething, stay for...OK we got nothing
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 5

400 miles does make a difference

A corporate relocation firm has ranked the states in order of their putative business friendliness. All well and good, I suppose. I wonder if its any coincidence that the place of my birth ranked 49th, and the state of my current residence ranked #1. Probably not. Full list, for your perusing convenience, below the fold.

1 Virginia
2 South Carolina
3 Florida
4 North Carolina
5 Utah
6 Wyoming
7 South Dakota
8 Alabama
9 Georgia
10 Nebraska
11 Idaho
12 Nevada
13 Maryland
14 Oklahoma
15 Tennessee
16 Kansas
17 Washington
18 Iowa
19 Missouri
20 Oregon
21 North Dakota
22 Pennsylvania
23 Arkansas
24 Texas
25 Connecticut
26 Delaware
27 Montana
28 Massachusetts
29 Arizona
30 Mississippi
31 Michigan
32 New Mexico
33 Colorado
34 Vermont
35 Hawaii
36 New Hampshire
37 Louisiana
38 Indiana
39 Minnesota
40 Illinois
41 Maine
42 New York
43 New Jersey
44 Wisconsin
45 Kentucky
46 Alaska
47 Rhode Island
48 West Virginia
49 Ohio
50 California
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Light Saber-wielding Jesuits

This weekend, my son started watching the Star Wars movies. This is an important event in the life of a child, akin to the rites of passage of the past where small children were sent out in breechcloths to kill lions with their bare hands, or dig for grubs with their bare tongues, or similar odious tasks. Happily, we are an enlightened people, and parents no longer have to deal with bloody lion (or child) carcasses soiling the carpets, or must try to put bandaids on dirty tongues.

Instead, we are forced to relive the great arguments of the past in the innocent questions of the young. Why, indeed, are stormtroopers not all the same height, given that they are clones? As I watched, with half an eye, the great saga that is Star Wars, some questions popped into my head that had never popped before.

Imagine that Adolf Hitler conquered the world. He is now known as Der Fuhrer, of course, and rules with an iron hand and generally goes around scaring the bejesus out of people. Imagine that in a desert region, far from the bright centers of the Nazi world – maybe in Indiana – there is a young boy with the last name Hitler. He becomes involved with the resistance, and learns to fly, and in a climactic confrontation with Der Fuhrer at a oil shale strip mine in Alberta learns that Der Fuhrer is in fact his father. Should he be surprised? Would no one have ever commented on the puzzling similarity of last names?

If Han Solo marries Princess Leia, what are their kids’ last names going to be? Solo-Organa/Skywalker? Are they royal? Is Princess Organa royal because of her birth, or by adoption, or both? Is lovable rogue Han thereby made a prince-consort, a sort of upscale gigolo?

What happens to the Ewoks after their improbable victory over that crack imperial legion on the forest moon of Endor? The Empire is not going away at once, are they brutally repressed, or is the Empire too busy for petty vengeance? Does the Rebellion try to help them out? Given that they are so preposterously martially competent, to they enlist in the service of the Rebellion as a sort of fuzzy Gurkha regiment and, armed with improved, metal, spears go on to kick stormtrooper ass throughout the galaxy? Personally, I believe that they will attempt to crassly cash in on their helpful but in the end walk-on role in the defeat of the dread Galactic empire, and make trillions of credits on the lecture circuit and in the marketing of fuzzy action figures and Ewok™ dolls to the credulous youth of ten thousand systems.

Finally, decadent and depraved, they will be displaced by the marginalized, but very populous ethnic group of ex-stormtroopers, who, with their wives, will be in search of a homeland where they will be safe from persecution by all those who hate them. Choosing a location that is not coincidently the site of their most emotionally powerful defeat will seal the deal, and the new Senate will approve the expulsion of the greedy, conniving and only superficially cute Ewoks.

I think, too, that the name Jar Jar Binks will go down in history (now that, after the collapse of the Imperial Censor’s office books are once again being written) as one of the greatest traitors in history. Like Benedict Arnold, whose early military successes are overwhelmed by his betrayals, Jar Jar’s actions in the Senate will be a permanent stain on the honor of his people, whatever the hell they are called.

And, really, where do all these Sith come from? We are told that there are only two Sith at a time, one a master, one an apprentice. But as soon as the noble Jedi off one of these fuckers, there’s another one growing up in his place, just as mean and even more competent. Sure, the Sith can take advantage of the existing Jedi program as kind of a farm league for Sith talent, but there must be some knowledge that can only be transmitted Sith to Sith, as it were. I mean, if the whole basis of the extraordinary power of the Sith is merely, “Use your hate, it will make you strong; follow the Dark Side” well, surely there would be thousands of competing Sithoid factions. They’d be as common as Starbucks franchises, or, perhaps more appropriately, Hair Metal bands in the eighties. (Which would make Punk, and later Grunge, into Jedi. Shudder.)

If all it took was one disgruntled Jedi saying (if only to himself) “Fuck this, I hate that arrogant, backwards-talking prick Yoda!” to unleash the power of the dark side, one would think that the Jedi wouldn’t have lasted for a thousand days, let alone a millennium, no matter how good their indoctrination.

Finally, if it weren’t for the unabashed evil talk of the Sith, and Chancellor (later Emperor) Palpitating and his evil and various Darths, I’d be hard pressed to argue against their program. The Republic is about as useful, in the time of the prequels, as the UN is today. And as ethically challenged. They want to bring order to the galaxy. What’s wrong with that? The Jedi, with their bizarre code and weird eugenic determinism, seem to not be very useful at all. Certainly not as useful, in the face of faceless corporate droid armies, as a bunch of highly skilled, well armed, and polite clones.

The force guides them, but they can’t detect a massively evil operation that is not only operating in their midst, but is practically dancing in front of them with a giant, strobing, “I’m a Sith” sign on its chest. Didn’t they read Luttwak’s Coup d'État: A Practical Handbook? Sheesh. And if Starting Anakin’s training at age seven was not sufficient to keep him from the dark side, then the Jedi could take some lessons from the Jesuits. Perhaps we could export some. Although Jedi-Jesuits would probably be a very bad thing. What color light sabers would the Jesuits use? Ignatius Loyola would have done a better job than goofy, half-pint, inside-out speaking Yoda, especially if he had light sabers and the Force to go along with his fanatical devotion to the Pope. (Among our chief weapons are such diverse elements as fear, terror, a near fanatical devotion to the Pope, light sabers and the Jesuit mind-trick…)

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

The Song Remains The Same

Buckethead recently sent me a link to an interesting article in The Consumerist on how one regular innocent music fan found himself driven to desperate piracy by the perversity of the record industry.

In short, this music fan, who has given in his estimate about $20,000 to the various labels in revenues over the years, found himself stymied by the DRM on the most recent Luna album.

Last week while I was busy importing my CD's into iTunes so I could listen to them on my iPod (a most tedious task), I hopped on the internet. iTunes was busy importing a Luna CD, one of my favorite bands, so I decided to see what they were up to since they disbanded a few years back. After a few clicks in Google, I found a blog site describing a posthumous, internet-only release of a collection of covers the band had recorded throughout their career. While I already had many of the songs (they were often featured on b-sides and imported singles, etc.), I couldn't resist tracking down this compilation. As I read further on the blog site I encountered a link to a .zip file containing the entire collection ripped as 128kbps mp3's.

While I must admit being tempted to simply click away and download the collection, I though to myself, "Well, if I buy the music it's only $10, and this way I will get high quality .WAV files. Besides, it's not like Luna were getting rich off of their careers, they could use the money..."

So I headed to Rhino's online store, purchased the music, and downloaded the files.

A little later that evening, I tried to move the .WMA files into iTunes, when I received an error message telling me that iTunes could not import them because they were copy protected. I downloaded the files again (which took another 12 minutes) and again, the same message.

So I called Rhino customer support and after an 8 minute wait spoke with a representative. She informed me that the files were indeed copy protected so that I could only play them on specific music players, most notably not iTunes.

"You don't understand," I said, "These files were not copied or pirated, I actually purchased them."

"Well" she responded, "You didn't actually purchase the files, you really purchased a license to listen to the music, and the license is very specific about how they can be played or listened to."

There's much more there, about how Rhino eventually advised him to keep trying illegal maneuvers until he found a way around their DRM to make the files work with iTunes.

Now, leaving aside the perversity on display here - do the right thing and get giant hassles in return - I am appalled that Rhino, of all labels, hasn't gotten their act together in the eight-odd years since Napster first came on the scene. Eight long years of missing opportunities, making mistakes, and alienating the same public that should be their partners in sharing awesome music together.
And yet, the song the labels sing now is exactly the one they sang when I left the music business four years ago: electronic files are murder; physical media is the past, present and future; consumers are licensees, not purchasers, of the music they consume; and what the hell is with this tech-mology stuff anyway? And that's a death warrant.

Some of you will remember a couple years ago that a Harvard Business School professor did a huge study of the effect on downloaded music on retail music sales (recently published in the Journal of Political Economy as "The Effect of File Sharing on Record Sales: An Empirical Analysis." At the time, he found that the effect was exactly "none." Declines in music sales could be explained through other means, for example the proliferation of other forms of media entertainment competing with music for the public's attention and dollars, as well as the end of the long era in which record and tape owners were upgrading their old media catalogs to compact disc. Indeed, downloaders either tended to download music they'd not have bought anyway, or to treat downloading as a way to sample new music that they then might pay for. In fact, the evidence suggested that there was a significant 'long-tail' effect at work - the million-sellers lost some sales to downloading, but the download-assisted boost in sales of the other thousands of half-forgotten albums out there more than made up for the decline at the top.

Whether or not you agree that downloading in and of itself has a minimal net negative impact on record sales, the facts are that CD sales are down 20% from last year. It now takes far fewer sales to have a #1 hit than it did even three years ago. Right now, indie band The Arcade Fire have the number-two album in the country. What!?! They're fine. They're alright. But they're just The Arcade Fire, and their new album has gotten a lot of good press. Whoop-de-doo. Since they haven't shot platinum yet, I can only surmise that they the overall sales pool is indeed shrinking. Further evidence: abrasive 80s revivalists !!! (that's pronounced however you want - "bang bang bang" or "chick chick chick" are the ones I've heard) are also in the Billboard Top 200. Now, I've heard !!!'s new album, and yeah sure it's fine. But I'm a little bewildered as to why a band whose closest antecedents are cult heroes like Wire and Television and whose name isn't even pronounceable on the radio have a charting album.

I will probably get tired of saying this some day, but not yet: The idiots who run the music industry are slowly strangling their baby by steadfastly refusing to pursue creative ways to adapt to changing realities and partner with their audiences to create new means of selling and buying music. Instead, they are suing the dead and prepubescent children, lashing out at the exact same people they should be embracing, the exact same people who are the key to their future. (Except the dead guy, of course, but he did leave behind children who are currently being sued in his place.) They are even forcing out executives, like EMI's Ted Cohen, who have advocated forcefully and articulately for the industry to stop shitting where it eats its dinner.

For a while, I felt a little bad about all the old-school executives who knew music and only music, who I assumed were ignorant of computers and digital media and only needed some time to get used how things work today. Then, I thought, they'd turn it around and stop it with the lawsuits and the rootkits and the $18 compact discs and the single-vendor licensed media files. But I'm now convinced I was giving them far too much credit. No, those money-grubbing bastards deserve every ounce of pain and humilation that is undoubtedly coming to them.

[wik] Just a final observation. A computer recently came through the tech support shop where I work, that contained more than 12,000 files purchased from iTunes. Can you count with me the ways in which this person has used his money unwisely?

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 4

Some Republicans can, in fact, rally against clue deficit disorder

Regarding Tom Delay:

"I just think we need to break loose from what was happening with the Republican Party in the post-Reagan era," said Pauken, citing a number of concerns including the scandal involving lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

The money quote, for my money, in an article from Saturday's version of my hometown paper, the Houston Barnacle. A complete piece of crap reactionary lefty rag, from an opinion perspective, but one which provides occasionally readable editorial content.

This story? Simple proof that not all conservatives toe the line (or tow the line, depending on your metaphoric preferences) of the former supposed face of the Republican Party, it's defenestrated House Majority Leader. Further, simple proof that not all conservatives are prima facie stupid. However, an argument could be made that since only 4 of the 33 board members of the American Conservative Union resigned rather than sit on a board with the porkmeister from Sugar Land, TX, 88% of conservatives are still in need of a clue.

I blame the small sample size for overstating the remaining stupidity of conservatives, and hope that some of the remaining 29 adherents reassess Delay's significant negative impact on policy, conservative and general, as well as his cheesy and embarrassing complicity in the descent of the former Republican majority into petty graft and corruption. I remain convinced that he's been wrongly indicted in Texas, but that's just a technicality, really. He should have been indicted instead for sheer arrogance, and his apparently solid belief that those who voted for him and his party are naive morons.

At least 12% are not, or so projections might indicate.

[wik] Oh, Christ. From this morning's email, an easily-ignored solicitation to get me to buy a copy of the shit-witted Delay's new book, "No Retreat, No Surrender".

I really don't consider this a book about Tom DeLay.

...says Tom Delay, referring to himself in the third person.

And of course I talk about the so-called "scandal" that led to my indictment by a politically-motivated prosecutor. The sad truth is that
the Democrats plotted to destroy me personally because they couldn't beat me any other way.

...says Tom Delay, back to referring to himself in the first person, and providing a hint that he doesn't know what "about" is about.

Rush Limbaugh was kind enough to contribute the book's foreword, and Sean Hannity graciously wrote a preface.

Sad, really - Limbaugh is a fine radio entertainer, and on those rare occasions when I listen to him, it's for the entertainment, not the politics. Hannity? Loud-mouthed professor of indignation, and not even a good entertainer.

Please, Mr. Delay - Retreat. Surrender. Get the fuck off the stage. Please.

[alsø wik] Embarrassingly, I find myself being agreed with by the Houston Barnacle's opinion page.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 3

We’re “Tar Heels,” because “Shit Heels” was already taken

North Carolina, birthplace of renowned presidents Johnson and Polk, and stuck with these slogans like lots of tiny, tiny albatrosses around its neck:

  • We’re “Tar Heels,” because “Shit Heels” was already taken
  • Tobacco is so a Vegetable
  • Five million people; Fifteen last names
  • We're part of Dixie. Don't let the “north” fool y’all
  • If it weren’t for plate tectonics, we’d be in Morocco
  • Let’s just be clear, our state is named for the King Charles who got beheaded, not the gay one
  • The better, norther Carolina
  • The first carton's free
  • First in Flying Pirates
  • You can't prove tobacco causes cancer
  • Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag! Oh wait…
  • The Scuppernong Grape State
  • The Anti-Buccaneer State
  • Gateway to Tennessee
  • We're cheaper by the carton
  • Join us in creating the Greater Carolina Co-Prosperity Sphere
  • We’re moving to Virginia
  • Under Chapter 11, thanks to the tobacco lawsuits
  • Slavery, tobacco, as long as it involves the suffering of others, we're for it
  • We're bigger than South Carolina
  • The Turpentine State
  • The New Jersey of the South
  • We didn’t do any of the work, but we’ll gladly take credit for inventing the airplane
  • Where white supremacy and NCAA basketball go hand in hand
  • General Sherman Cheated

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Fun with punchlines (II)

And the other:

Punchline:

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Joke:


A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the man says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

Fun with punchlines (I)

From today's email, an oldie whose punchline snuck up on me.

Punchline:

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Joke:


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


I blame my slow uptake of the joke on the absurdity of a pharmacist even knowing "all there is to know about sex", let alone spending an hour briefing a kid on it.
Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

Kind of like a cross between Canada and Hell

You may be painfully aware of the Ministry's ongoing series, "Great Mottoes for Lackluster States." We felt that it was unfair for the United States to get all the abuse, and Loyal reader #0018, Nicholas has cheerfully stepped up to the plate and contributed, exclusive to the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, a list of slogans for his homeland of Australia:

  • Yes, we have beer.
  • If not the Great Southern Land, at least a Pretty Good Southern Land.
  • The land of broad expanses, and expansive broads.
  • More didgeridoos than you can shake a hollow stick at.
  • Now with electricity!
  • Come see our bridge.
  • No worries mate. At least not after you've finished the other 6-pack.
  • Hotter than a monkey's bum.
  • More than just a string of beaches, but seriously, who cares?
  • Go to the beach and let it all hang out. Well, your stomach, anyway.
  • Boasting the best marsupial to tourist ratio in the world.
  • Marry an Australian girl, and Bob's your uncle!
  • Instead of a Starbucks, we have a pub on every corner.
  • Kind of like a cross between Canada and Hell.
  • Our national dish is charred meat.
  • Texas is small and densely-packed by comparison.
  • Cricket - There's no better excuse to drink continuously for 5 days.
  • Home of The Big Sheep, The Big Pineapple, and other Humorously Large Items (such as the Prime Minister's eyebrows).
  • Did I mention we're all descended from criminals? Hey buddy, nice camera.
  • More Wombats per square kilometer than anywhere else.
  • Visit Woolloomooloo - It's our Mississippi.
  • Strewth!
  • England's Alcatraz.
  • The land our Prime Minister once called "the arse end of the world". In one of his more polite statements.
  • Our national emblem is the cooler.
  • If you go home sober, you were somewhere else!

Getting into the spirit of things, here are a few additional slogans which may or may not reflect the true nature of Australia:

  • It'll never fly
  • Not just a nation, a continent
  • Demographically, Australia's people are like soap scum around a sand-filled tub
  • We'll fight in any war that has English speaking people in it
  • The Greater West Oceania Co-Prosperity Sphere, What'd ya think?
  • That's not a knife, this is a knife

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 9

You may love NY, but New York Loves You, I mean, Loves You

New York, queen of cities, and city of queens. But did you know that New York isn't just a pestilential shitheap of urbanization gone mad, but an actual state with a capitol and everything? It's true.

  • You may love NY, but New York Loves You, I mean, Loves You
  • More Jews than Judea!
  • The Go F#@$% Yourself State
  • New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!
  • Get your 9/11 FunPass!
  • Birthplace of Organized Crime
  • Gateway to Quebec
  • We may be close to, but we insist that we are not New Jersey!
  • Come be our Senator!
  • You Have The Right To Remain Silent...
  • We're more than a big city; we're a state!
  • The Affiliated Businesses of 9/11-Related Tourism State
  • Like we care about a motto
  • When we say “Empire” we mean “Empire.” You’ll see.
  • English spoken here; sometimes
  • Yes, We Have Some Other Cities
  • Better Air Than New Jersey
  • I got your motto right here!
  • Come get mugged in New York!
  • Just try to spend more for gas!
  • Born Free, Taxed To Death
  • The smell isn’t so bad since we got rid of the garbage mountains
  • Home of Buffalo, but not proud of it
  • Whatta You Lookin' At, Punk?
  • The Only State
  • Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have cabfare to the airport.
  • Our Thing
  • Cosmopolitan and Provincial
  • Home to the two most impressive presidents in US History: Martin van Buren and Millard Fillmore
  • Yes, Millard Fillmore was the President
  • If you get real close, you can look up Lady Liberty’s dress
  • Uncomfortably close to Pennsylvania
  • New Netherland
  • While it is still illegal to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, you can float down the East River in one
  • Please somebody tell us what the fuck a “Kickerbocker” is
  • Not the only state named after poncy British royalty

[wik] Did you know the capitol of the United States was once a bar in Jersey? True fact.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

I am become death, the destroyer of worlds

After a long - and perhaps justified - hiatus, the Ministry educational series, “Know your state mottoes” returns with that most statelike of states, New Mexico:

  • I am become death, the destroyer of worlds
  • Lizards make excellent pets
  • We have reservations
  • Yes, those are crosshairs on our flag, why?
  • We may be new, but we’re not New Jersey.
  • We’re the bomb
  • Alien Welcome Center
  • Like Old Mexico, Only Less Old
  • We are TOO a State!
  • Turquoise, Turquoise, Turquoise
  • Just Deserts
  • Bam!
  • The Complimentary Bolo Tie State
  • More than Just Sand, Rocks and Heat. Okay, Just Sand Rocks and Heat
  • Soon to be Old Mexico
  • It’s a dry heat, but then so’s the inside of an oven
  • Really New, unlike faux new states like New Hampshire, New York and New Jersey.
  • Almost as many nuclear explosions as Nevada
  • It grows as it goes
  • Birthplace of the fucking bomb
  • Everybody is somebody in New Mexico, and therefore nobody is anybody
  • Better than the Old Mexico
  • The Elephant Butte State
  • The Potash State
  • Home of the New Mexico Cutthroat Trout
  • You did make a wrong turn at Albuquerque

[wik] One of those mottoes is the actual state motto of New Mexico. Can you guess which one it is?

[alsø wik] I think it explains a lot that the most famous New Mexican short of Smokey the Bear, John Denver, is from Roswell.

[alsø alsø wik] In some isolated villages, such as Truchas, Chimayo', and Coyote in north-central New Mexico, some descendants of Spanish conquistadors still speak a form of 16th century Spanish used no where else in the world today. Like the Millunjins from West Virginia.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Actual Facts

Harristown, Pennsylvania was named for its founder, Ffloyd Snodgrass.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Pointless, yet remarkable

So this guy visited 21 states in one day, in his car. He drove 1706 miles in one day. Technically, that’s cheating a bit - he did his trip on the third Sunday in October, which gave him an extra hour with the time change, and he ended his trip in another time zone, to the west, which gave him yet another hour. Still, an impressive achievement for any day, even one that has 26 hours in it. Just counting the first 24 hours, he drove 1571 miles. I had thought that my single day driving record of 1288 miles was good, and he’s got me beat by almost 300 miles.

It would be pretty hard to top that record – perhaps you could edge him a bit on miles, but I find it hard to imagine how you could squeeze in any more states. I think I might be playing with googlemaps a little, later on…

[wik] He also did all fifty states in a week's vacation. This isn't as good as the Mongolian trip that Sortapundit was talking about before he sold out and started writing ads on his blog, but quite an adventure.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 5

Up to our ankles in blood and Fruitopia

Despite being nearly two years out from the next presidential election, the shenanigans are in full swing. Fucking shenanigans. The Democratic Party candidates are already attacking each other, and the Republicans are doing their traditional Sloth and Emu imitations. I've seen reports of candidates withdrawing from the race that I not only did not know were running, but in fact had never heard of. As the campaign rhetoric heats up, the electorate will play its role in the quadrennial morality play - that of the Greek chorus. That is, if you imagine the Chorus from Aristophanes' The Clouds repeatedly muttering to itself, "Who the fuck are these people, and why can't we get someone cool to run for President, like John Wayne? Someone who won't bother to understand all that economics crap, but will put the fear of Jebus into the furriners?" When they're not muttering that, the mutters will center on the fact that despite the claims of diametrical oppositeness, the two parties seem to be strikingly similar in every important aspect - seriously considering as candidates people we would never allow alone with our children, pompous self righteousness, and shrill condemnation of anything or anyone that stands in the way of attaining, holding, and cashing in on power.

It is at times like these that the more thoughtful of the sheople will think, maybe another party will make a difference. Aside from the fact that the last time this was successfully tried, the new party ended being merely a slightly newer version of one of the original parties, which then gracefully (and miraculously) expired. The people will think to themselves, "Hey, that paranoid big eared guy did pretty well." If they are of a leftward tilt, they'll fantasize about a Green party victory. If they list to starboard, they might imagine a Libertarian triumph. Of course, any sane person would run screaming from the country if either of those things happened.

What is needed is a true alternative. One that has been slumbering for nearly a decade could be our savior. It is,

The Scorched Earth Party

WHY THE FOOLS MUST DIE

It's happened to you, no doubt.

You are somewhere public, trying to complete a simple task. Perhaps you are eating in a Dennys. Perhaps you are buying something at Costco. Perhaps you are just driving along on the highway. Then it happens:

Some stupid moron causes a problem. They put their trivial life ahead of your own existence, and as a result they move, however briefly, from the position of 'faceless drone' to 'obstacle'.

The waiter messes up your order. You can't get a refill of coffee because they're "too busy", despite the fact that the restaurant is empty. Some jerk cuts you off with their cart and there's no way around them now. That asshole who is coming up on your tail, flashing his brights, decides to cut around you on the right at about 90 mph just as you start signaling to get out of his way, and he honks wildly as though you're the one endangering everyone on the road.

And you think to yourself: This person must die.

The Scorched Earth Party is here to tell you: Yeah. Go for it.

The basics

Here at the Scorched Earth Party, we are dedicated to a few simple principles:

  • that the concept of "life is sacred" is the best joke we've heard this year.
  • that nothing satisfies like clubbing some moron to death with a lead pipe.
  • that you can never get laid enough.
  • that the world will continue to deteriorate until 90% of its population is eliminated.

True happiness will never be yours unless you rise up with us. Join the 10% with the lead pipes. Help save the world through random, messy violence, and then wallow in carnal pleasure among the ruins.

Now that would make the '08 elections more interesting.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Ministry Public Announcement

The Ministry has become belatedly aware that it has been in operation for just a smidge over four years. It is the tradition among "bloggers" to celebrate annually the day when their blog took its first tremulous steps into the internets. The Ministry is no slouch in the tradition department, maintaining in its mountain retreats, coastal fortresses (and indeed in Texan swamps) a wide variety of traditions. Most of these are not fit for publication, and are the subject of terrified whispers amongst our various neighbors.

Therefore, let it be known that two days ago, the 11th of March in the year of our lord Two Thousand and Seven, was the fourth blogoversary of the Ministry of Minor Perfidy. Here, in all its profound and numinous glory, is our first post, entitled, "First Post." Take stroll through our early work, you will find that we quickly settled into our pattern of random political commentary surrounded by ephemera and silliness.

Posted by Ministry Ministry on   |   § 0

Friday Funtime Quizzery, Bolt-Action Tuesday Edition

The funny thing about this result is that I just can't see well enough to hit much beyond 250m consistently. Even 300m is a little, um, hit or miss, and I never qualified Expert because of it. I fired an SVD once, and was hitting at 500m+ with no optics, but still I doubt that I would ever be capable of real reach-out-and-touch-you shots that real snipers can make. And my personal safety equipment doesn't include far shooters. I do have a Chicom SKS, but even with its robust round I wouldn't trust it much beyond 200, 250m and anyway it's in rough shape. Instead I rely on close-in stuff. Well, it's all about the threat you preceive you're facing. For me, it's zombies, and I'm putting my stock in point defense and escape.

"You scored as Sniper Rifle. You like sharpshooting. Stealth, accuracy and range are your best friends. So you a need sniper rifle (if you don't already have one)."
 

Sniper Rifle

88%

Assault Rifle

63%

Shotgun

63%

Pistol

50%

Revolver

44%

Machinegun

25%

SMG

19%

 

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 8

"Journalists are sort of the natural enemy of Special Forces"

Or so sez Carston Stormer in his second installment in Die Welt. Apparently he is touring Iraq with American forces and writing about these half crazy warriors, their war movie existence, and "extinct" cities like Fallujah. At times the trip really seems to be a vehicle for Stormer to write about himself, but that's really nothing unusual in modern journalism is it?

The short version of the article is that he was waiting for a helicopter by himself, reading a book. After a bit a soldier walks up, seemingly to wait for the same ride, says "God bless you", and sits on the ground next to him. Hilarity ensues.

In my sole interaction in a quasi-journalistic fashion with Special Forces, they were nothing but helpful and professional. Now, I was working for a guy who was there at the invitation of unit leadership. But I think that's nominally beside the point. The fact that Stormer's understanding of SF lies somewhere between a war movie and mythology is enough for you to understand his limitations.

My translation below the fold. For a cleaner version consult with NDR or your local native speaker.

Jesus and the Special Forces

It is said that soldiers of the Special Forces shoot first and ask questions later- which is usually unnecessary by that point. Journalists to these men are “scum”.

Have you ever seen an American war movie? Black Hawk Down or Jarhead? If you haven’t, it’s really not so bad. You see bold men, with full beards and weatherbeaten faces, burnt brown, without uniforms but heavily armed. That is the Special Forces. They jump with precision behind enemy lines, riding on horseback through the desert, a saddlebag stuffed full of dollar bills. So soll schon manch ein Kriegsfürst umgestimmt worden sein (you’re on your own with this turn of phrase, sorry).

In Germany the Special Forces are called the KSK (Kommando Special Kräfte). No one knows exactly what they do, everything is secret. It is said that they shoot first and ask questions later- which by then is usually not necessary. It’s best if one treats it like buffalo- without looking it in the eyes. You might try to photograph them once; at best you’ll lose your camera.

The other day I was sitting on the airfield in Baghdad, waiting for a helicopter and reading Axel Hacke. The sun shone, a nice winter day in Iraq. I was sporting a beard. And I was burnt brown, since when I was home in Germany I took a couple sessions in a tanning bed- the better to hold my endorphin levels (?) in balance on gray winter days. But otherwise, I had nothing in common with members of a Special Forces unit. So anyway that was my look- fatigue pants, bulletproof vest, and smoking a Camel.

After a while a soldier came over and planted himself next to me in the gravel. “God bless you”, he said. I nodded and, unsolicited, he told me his life story.

That he was depressed after returning from the the first Gulf War. That he never again wanted anything to do with war. So he got out of the Army. Stupidly he took to drinking, and it cost him his wife. One night Jesus appeared to him in a dream, two weeks after the United States & co marched into Iraq.

“Rejoin the Army, my son”, Jesus said. “Go to Iraq and convert the unbelievers to the True Faith. That is your mission.” He listened. “Jesus was my rescue.” But He had concealed that Muslims make unwilling converts. That’s why you have to kill so many of the guys, said the soldier. It’s really pretty frustrating- but it’s the only way. Then he asked what I did for the Army- Special Forces? Private security?

Journalists are “scum”

“What? No. Journalist.”

“Uups.”

He didn’t run away, but he didn’t say anything more to me, either. Just took another quick drag on his cigarette. A few moments later another guy sat near us. Beard, khaki pants, M-4 machinegun. And he said “Buddy” to me. He too immediately began to chat about his life. The fact that I was trying to read a book was of no interest to either of them.

He said, “I was in the Special Forces for a time.”

“Sir...“, said the one to whom Jesus had appeared, to the other. “Sir...“ No reaction.

It’s a shame that I’m too old for that sort of work now, the bearded one continued. The hip, he said, still has shrapnel in it. Souvenir from Afghanistan. That’s why he’s now with a private security firm. Convoy security, that kind of thing. “Good money, very good money.“

“Sir!“, quacked the other one next to me, this time emphatically. “Sir!“ No reaction.
Then he told me a good deal of the funny and secret details of the hunt for terrorists behind enemy lines.

“So,” he asked me, “What’s your mission in Iraq, buddy? Special Forces? Marines?“

“Ahhh…”, I said.

„Siiiirrrr, now listen up“, said the first one. „That is a J-o-u-r-n-a-l-i-s-t.“

Journalists are sort of the natural enemy of the Special Forces. Or is it the other way around?

Silence.

“Scum,” he said, the one who’d called me “Buddy”, and both men disappeared.

The whole thing was a little unpleasant, and in the whole time I had hardly said a word.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 0

Rockets are right

Rocket Jones totally breaks character and links to something relating to rockets instead of his usual diet of never-ending reviews of very, very bad movies. This one is an interesting one - on how economy of scale could make even disposable rockets reasonably affordable. Most of the skullsweat invested in lowering the per-pound-cost to orbit focuses on building reusable vehicles, or in some way using advanced technology to duck the inherent limits imposed by the rocket equation. (Or, the think up crazy shit like using atom bombs or Indian rope tricks.) This guy points out that if we just build rockets in job lots of thousands, they'll be cheaper. I find it hard to find any flaw in what he's saying, especially since our entire economy is based in large part on that very concept. The funding proposal he ends his article with is in line with my own thinking - the key point being that the chicken/egg dilemma is the real stumbling block in the development of affordable space travel. I've said before that a guaranteed government contract for ten launch vehicles of a given level of performance would result in advances pretty darn quick. His idea has the advantage of supporting effectively any launch technology - by aiming at launches, rather than vehicles. A cheap enough disposable rocket could meet the requirements as well as a more advanced reusable, and would be an easier technological target - and would, in the meantime, provide the launch market that everyone insists is there, waiting for launch costs to drop sufficiently. That alone, and certainly in addition to government launch contracts, would get the ball moving.

And all for less than the cost of a single shuttle launch...

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Well, how about that?

You may think that there is no connection between Apple's OS X operating system and German armored vehicles. You would be wrong. I knew there had to be a real reason I wanted a Mac, and not just effete aesthetics.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

The Short Bus Theory of Federal Staffing Policy

People who know me well know that my political views are a hybrid - I'm incredibly socially liberal (in fact I'm buying heroin from a gay BDSM enthusiast right now while putting the finishing touches on my homemade beer sales business) but economically variable.

You see, I’m a knee-jerk fiscal liberal. How can it possibly be that there are limits to what the richest, most powerful nation in the history of the world (and how good it feels to write that, ya know!) can accomplish? But of course, this lovely theory crashes and burns in practice. I would love, in an ideal world, for our government to handle feeding the poor and clothing the naked and fighting all the good wars and making peace in all the bad ones, but here in the real world, the list of low points in government competence just in recent years is longer than King Kong’s member and growing. Therefore all available evidence suggests that, no matter what my candyland fantasies are, the government is really bad at doing anything even slightly more important than deciding on which Thursday Thanksgiving should fall.

Let me share with you a story I heard recently. It’s a funny story, if by funny you mean “sad,” and it’s a perfect parable for why our government is not to be trusted under any circumstances.

You see, the small seaside town I live in is home to a National Park Service historical site, which as I’m sure you’re all aware means there’s some land, a brown building, and some signs around telling people what it’s all about. As far as parks go there’s a lot of cool stuff to draw on, including a fullsize working replica of a cargo ship from the great age of sail, numerous historic homes, and the good (?) luck to have been the site of a major event in early American history that still brings in tourists by the busload.

But for all the potential, the tours and interpretation at this park (“interpretation” in the public history sense of ‘helping people understand what they’re looking at and why it matters’) are kind of for shit, and I’ve always wondered why.

Back in the 1980s, my small seaside town was not as gentrified as it currently is, and very close to downtown there existed some pockets of serious sketchiness. At that time, the lead protection ranger (the guys with guns) at the Park was a guy whose name I’ll say was Duke. Duke’s job was to enforce the laws of the USA and the Commonwealth on the grounds of the park and in all the adjacent buildings it owned. He had a team of armed rangers who helped him with this important mandate.

One day, the local police force turned up in great numbers to a house owned by the National Park Service, and proceeded to invade the upstairs apartment, which was rented out to civilian tenants. It turned out that this raid was the culmination of a three-year investigation into a major drug trafficking ring operated out of that apartment, which I remind you was owned by the United States of America. Among the parties convicted of felonies were two of the park’s protection rangers, who had participated in drug transactions while armed, on duty, in the employ of the Federal government, on the grounds of the very park they were being paid to protect.

Duke was taken entirely by surprise by the raid; nobody had thought to tell him. It soon emerged that this was deliberate – the drug activity had gone on for so long, and so blatantly, that the local police were convinced that he was either in on it or spectacularly, stupendously, incompetent.

This being the US Government, Duke was not fired from his job for being stupendously incompetent at doing it. Instead, he was placed on a brief administrative leave and then moved to another department. That’s right… Duke, a dangerously incompetent law enforcement officer whose training was nonetheless in the area of law enforcement, was put in charge of the Interpretation department, with the historians and tour guides, where he remains to this day. That is why the tours for the most part suck at the National Park in my small seaside town.

In another more recent case, it took four years for the National Park Service to terminate the employment of a ranger at the same park who was convicted on child porn charges, including, I believe, some based on evidence found on his work computer.

So, as I prepare my 1040s this year, I thank the deity of my choice (“none of the above”) that the business of running our country is in good hands. Clearly the US Government is using my little National Park site as a holding cell for all the morons and misfits, the drain circlers and mouthbreathers, the nebbishes and ne’er-do-wells, who they accidentally gave jobs to and now feel too sorry for to fire. With all of them here, everyone else can go about the business of managing our nations’ affairs with the intelligence, decency, and wisdom that such weighty matters deserve.

Clearly.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Went out like a bitch

Comic book hero Captain America has been killed off by his corporate masters. With a sniper bullet. From my title, please don't think that I am speaking ill of Captain America. Cap was always, after Batman, one of my favorite comic book heroes. I think that putting him down in this manner is cheap. It's Captain America, fer chrissakes. Cap should have gone down, if at all, in a blaze of glory saving us from a certain doom. Martyrdom, if anything. Heroic sacrifice. Not a pot shot on the streets.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 4

The Civil War is so interesting, nyah

The Maximum Leader, my go-to source for blogging inspiration these days, has written a longish bit on why he thinks the Civil War is bollox. ML claims that the Civil War is interesting, at best, in a purely tactical sense, or perhaps as a parade of amusing incompetence on the part of the Union generals. Now, I for one am not going to say that hundreds of thousands of Civil War round table participants, re-enactors, historians and others have wasted their lives in such a tragic manner.

In fact, I find the Civil War fascinating in large part exactly because of many of the things the Maximum Leader finds icky and bad-smelling.

The wars’ end was a foregone conclusion. Well, let’s let the odds makers decide and not run the race, what? The Greeks, faced with the unprecedented size and strength of the Persian army, should have just rolled over. But Marathon, Thermopylae, Salamis and Plataea proved that the side facing the short end of the materials and logistics stick is not normally foredoomed to failure. Granted, the safe bet is, as Napoleon remarked, on the side of the biggest battalions. But the safe bet is not always the winning bet.

Many of the Confederate leaders were well aware of Greek history, and in fact made conscious analogy between their cause and Sparta. This, considering the lot of the Messenian Helots, and the eventual fate of Sparta once the Thebans got sufficiently pissed off at them, was an ironic choice of historical model. Lee was certainly aware of the material advantages of the North, yet he and his army fought anyway. That is historical drama of the best sort.

What-if’s. The Civil War has, more than any other war, been the fount of what-if scenarios. (Read any good alternate WWI stories lately?) The underdog south came close – if not to winning outright – to putting a serious spoke in the Union’s wheel on several occasions. And the margins that saw them fall short were often short indeed. The south got the cream of the US military leadership, and they eked out every last bit of potential from the Rebel armies. Few could argue that the south missed its chance for lack of trying.

It was not until late in the war that the North even had commanding generals worthy of the name – Sherman, the only real strategic genius in the war, and Grant, who was dogged, determined and tactically skilled enough to actually put the Union armies’ advantages into battle, no matter what the cost. The most fertile ground for speculation, therefore, is in the earlier stages of the war, when southern advantages in leadership and elan gave some chance of overthrowing northern advantages of numbers and supply.

Most of these what-ifs focus, typically, on Antietam and Gettysburg. If the orders hadn’t been lost before Antietam, surely Lee and Jackson could have run wild through the north. Or Gettysburg, which is often called the high water mark of the Confederacy. Those are wrong, however. I think the most interesting turning point is Jackson’s depression in the seven days.

The thing is, the south was looking for its Thermopylae, and got it in hundreds of battles, small and large, where they slowed or even stopped but could not destroy the union army. And always at heavy cost of irreplaceable Confederate soldiers. What they needed was a Salamis, the titanic gamble that paid off in the annihilation of the Persian Army. Which is what Lee almost had in the Seven Day’s. McClellan had fallen back from Richmond; and Lee, finally in command, was pushing the Union troops down the Peninsula. He was aiming at a colossal envelopment, and he needed Jackson to bring the other arm home. If Jackson had done so, the entire Army of the Potomac might have been destroyed or captured. But Jackson, uncharacteristically, was not as aggressive as he was in the Shenandoah, or at Chancellorsville. The pincer didn’t close, and the Union Army was able to escape.

All of these what-ifs are endlessly fascinating mostly because the war should have lasted about three months and ending in total Union victory. The very fact that the able Confederate military leaders were able to prolong the war so long in the face of numerous Union advantages is remarkable – the achievement of the impossible. It is almost irresistible to think, that with some change, they might have pulled off their Salamis.

Foreign involvement. I largely agree with the Maximum Leader’s professor in thinking that it would have taken an extraordinary confluence of events to cause France or Britain to become involved in the Civil War. The fact is that it served both of their interests to see the United States divided, or at least exhausted by internecine warfare. France’s ambitions in Mexico, and Britain’s more global interests, both were advanced by America self-destructing.

The reason it would have taken a unique set of circumstances to see foreign intervention is that two things would have to happen: a signal Confederate victory that would make at least diplomatic recognition reasonable, and something to overcome the continental power’s distaste (in Britain’s case, extreme distaste) for the South’s “peculiar institution.”

One thing that nearly did it was the Trent incident. The Federal Navy seized a British Mail Steamer carrying two Confederate diplomats. This violation of British sovereignty rather exercised the Brits. If it had been followed, a few months later by a victory in the Seven Days’ Battles, we might have seen British diplomatic recognition if not actual intervention. By Antietam, I think it was already too late, and Lincoln learned from the Trent Affair not to piss of the Brits.

Lee. All of the major military figures in the Civil War were flawed, well, because they were human. They are interesting because of those flaws. Jackson, a religious fanatic. Lee, the good man who chose the wrong side. Grant, the drunk who overcame the drink. Sherman, the depressive who was the most brilliant strategist of the war. WWI is not interesting in the way that the Civil War is largely because there are no contending minds on the opposing sides. The story of the war is the story of innocents thrown to the slaughter by the millions, for marginal gains and little strategic purpose over four years, to achieve a (nearly) Carthaginian peace that led inexorably to even greater slaughter. It’s depressing. The Civil War, while certainly not absent immense slaughter (the slaughter was all that the technology of the time could manage, and more) saw strategic contest, a conflict of wills that is inherently fascinating.

In the early stages, the brilliance of the team of Lee and Jackson is balanced by the frustration and tenacity of Lincoln. But as the war drew on, in the west arose Union commanders the equal of the best the Confederacy had to offer. The narrow window of opportunity for the South to make use of its advantage in leadership passed, and Sherman and Grant caught Lee in what is really the largest envelopment in military history, with Grant as the anvil in the north and Sherman coming up from the south as the hammer.

All of this would be fodder for the military enthusiast – and it is, of course. Jackson’s valley campaign, Sherman’s march to the sea, the duel between Lee and Grant – these are all celebrated campaigns that are studied in military academies throughout the world. What makes it all so endlessly fascinating is the moral dimension of the conflict. Now, most of that has been overlaid over what was thought by the participants at the time. Lee certainly didn’t feel that he was fighting solely to preserve slavery. From our perspective, however, it is a story of good v. evil, freedom v. slavery. A story made compelling by the lack of personal evil on the part of many leaders on the “bad” side, and by the incompetence, greed, insanity, drunkenness or timidness of many on the “good” side.

That, my friends, is good historical drama. Again, contrast with the Great War. Both sides were imperial powers leaping into war with no real thought for the consequences. Destroying, nearly, a civilization by accident, and in the process killing millions for no gain and in the end not resolving anything, in fact, setting the stage for yet more destruction. The leadership of the Allies was no more honorable, good, competent or nice to puppies than that of the Central Powers. There is little to distinguish the two sides, and that makes the war about as interesting as watching someone punch themselves in the face. Sickly amusing for a moment, but after a while you just want it to stop.

Anyway, that’s why I like the Civil War, and why the Maximum Leader is wrong. But at least he’s wrong in an interesting way.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 7