perfidy

Despite being nearly two years out from the next presidential election, the shenanigans are in full swing. Fucking shenanigans. The Democratic Party candidates are already attacking each other, and the Republicans are doing their traditional Sloth and Emu imitations. I've seen reports of candidates withdrawing from the race that I not only did not know were running, but in fact had never heard of. As the campaign rhetoric heats up, the electorate will play its role in the quadrennial morality play - that of the Greek chorus. That is, if you imagine the Chorus from Aristophanes' The Clouds repeatedly muttering to itself, "Who the fuck are these people, and why can't we get someone cool to run for President, like John Wayne? Someone who won't bother to understand all that economics crap, but will put the fear of Jebus into the furriners?" When they're not muttering that, the mutters will center on the fact that despite the claims of diametrical oppositeness, the two parties seem to be strikingly similar in every important aspect - seriously considering as candidates people we would never allow alone with our children, pompous self righteousness, and shrill condemnation of anything or anyone that stands in the way of attaining, holding, and cashing in on power.

It is at times like these that the more thoughtful of the sheople will think, maybe another party will make a difference. Aside from the fact that the last time this was successfully tried, the new party ended being merely a slightly newer version of one of the original parties, which then gracefully (and miraculously) expired. The people will think to themselves, "Hey, that paranoid big eared guy did pretty well." If they are of a leftward tilt, they'll fantasize about a Green party victory. If they list to starboard, they might imagine a Libertarian triumph. Of course, any sane person would run screaming from the country if either of those things happened.

What is needed is a true alternative. One that has been slumbering for nearly a decade could be our savior. It is,

The Scorched Earth Party

WHY THE FOOLS MUST DIE

It's happened to you, no doubt.

You are somewhere public, trying to complete a simple task. Perhaps you are eating in a Dennys. Perhaps you are buying something at Costco. Perhaps you are just driving along on the highway. Then it happens:

Some stupid moron causes a problem. They put their trivial life ahead of your own existence, and as a result they move, however briefly, from the position of 'faceless drone' to 'obstacle'.

The waiter messes up your order. You can't get a refill of coffee because they're "too busy", despite the fact that the restaurant is empty. Some jerk cuts you off with their cart and there's no way around them now. That asshole who is coming up on your tail, flashing his brights, decides to cut around you on the right at about 90 mph just as you start signaling to get out of his way, and he honks wildly as though you're the one endangering everyone on the road.

And you think to yourself: This person must die.

The Scorched Earth Party is here to tell you: Yeah. Go for it.

The basics

Here at the Scorched Earth Party, we are dedicated to a few simple principles:

• that the concept of "life is sacred" is the best joke we've heard this year.
• that nothing satisfies like clubbing some moron to death with a lead pipe.
• that you can never get laid enough.
• that the world will continue to deteriorate until 90% of its population is eliminated.

True happiness will never be yours unless you rise up with us. Join the 10% with the lead pipes. Help save the world through random, messy violence, and then wallow in carnal pleasure among the ruins.

Now that would make the '08 elections more interesting.