Our Big Gay World

Things of interest or disgust from around our sad, gay, sad world.

Come See Why Cobain Committed Suicide

We are in the home stretch now for the interminable Perfidy continuing educational series, "new mottoes for boring states." To be frank, I don't know what I'm going to do when it's all over. What will I post on? Countries? Continents? Well, while I ponder that, you can peruse our suggestions for the sappy state of Washington:

  • Come See Why Cobain Committed Suicide
  • Not just Evergreen, SuperGreen
  • Where even the Tear Gas is environmentally friendly
  • Look Good in Flannel
  • Don’t screw with us, or we’ll sic the Killer Whales on your ass
  • With Gates, all things are possible
  • Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
  • Al-ki is not short for “Alcoholic”
  • Nirvana, it ain't
  • No, the Capitol has "DC" after its name
  • Where Californians go to die
  • Home of Frasier
  • Come for the Retarded Protesters -- Stay for the Over-roasted Coffee!
  • The Old Boeing State
  • We hate that pretentious Eddie Vedder fuck, too
  • We are a state, not the a craphole Federal District
  • We are the first, and likely the last, state to be named after a president
  • A wholly-owned subsidiary of Microsoft-Starbucks GmbH.
  • Not The Cool Washington, The Other One
  • Keep Washington Green, Grow Even More Hemp
  • Getting there is all the fun
  • Our heroes are Injuns we kilt a hundred years ago
  • The New Jersey of the Great Northwest
  • We like our state, so STAY THE FUCK OUT!
  • Our state tree is the Hemlock for a reason
  • All the grim raininess of England, without the history
  • Gateway to Alaska
  • Experience Washington, no, Experience Washington
  • Bigfoot’s gonna git ya
  • 54-40 or Fight!
  • If it’s not ecologically sound, it’s crap
  • Proud home of D.B. Cooper
  • SayWAtf
  • The People’s Republic of Ecotopia
  • Geeks, Freaks, and Treehuggers welcome!
  • Grunge wannabes will be interned in our re-education camps

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Comparative legal analysis

What do these two suits have in common?

image

"Couple sue Wal-Mart over slip in vomit
(AP/Nashville Tennessean)

and 

"ACLU: Boeing offshoot helped CIA
(AP/Houston Chronicle) Simple:

  • They each have a distinct odor associated with them
  • They're both based on slippery circumstances
  • They're both as baseless as the day is long

Only one of them, however, appears to have been categorized by the Associated Press as an "Odd Story". So let's look at that one first:

Couple sue Wal-Mart over slip in vomit DAVENPORT, Iowa (AP) -- A woman's fall in a puddle of vomit has resulted in a lawsuit against Wal-Mart. June Medema, slipped in the vomit at a Davenport Wal-Mart on June 13, 2005, according to the lawsuit, filed by Medema and her husband, James, in Scott County District Court earlier this month.

Medema claims that she was seriously injured in the fall.

The lawsuit alleges that Wal-Mart's negligence led to Medema's fall, but it does not specifically say how the store was negligent.

John Simley, a Wal-Mart spokesman, decline comment saying he hadn't seen the lawsuit.

The lawsuit claims that Medema suffered serious neck and upper back injuries in the fall and has undergone several surgeries and is unable to work.

It's a mercifully short story, so it's included here in its entirety. All you need to know is in that third paragraph - "...but it does not specifically say how the store was negligent." In order to prove negligence, of course, the Medemas will have to prove that Wal-Mart knew the vomit was puddled on the floor. Which will be rather difficult - if they didn't see it, why should Wal-Mart have done so?

As to the second story, I can completely understand the ACLU going after a Boeing subsidiary - They can't sue the US government or the CIA on a classified matter, so they simply picked someone else in the transaction chain to sue.

NEW YORK — A Boeing Co. subsidiary that may have provided secret CIA flight services was sued Wednesday by the American Civil Liberties Union on behalf of three terrorism suspects who claim they were tortured by the U.S. government. The lawsuit charges that flight services provided by Jeppesen Dataplan Inc. enabled the clandestine transportation of the suspects to secret overseas locations, where they were tortured and subjected to other "forms of cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment."

The ACLU, of course, has been known to provide valuable legal services. They've also been known to tilt at windmills in pursuit of an agenda that tends to be decidedly leftist. Not "liberal" - leftist. As I said, I can understand their grasping at straws to find someone to sue, because money-grubbers have to go where the money is, even if they expect to get no money out of the matter.

I just can't understand why they think their suit will survive a summary judgment request. Jeppesen Dataplan didn't man the flight, didn't own the plane, and didn't load or unload alleged passengers from the alleged extraordinary alleged rendition alleged mission. Jeppesen provides flight planning services. Logistics.

Undaunted by this bit of reality, the ACLU soldiers on:

The ACLU said the company "either knew or reasonably should have known" that they were facilitating the torture of terrorism suspects by providing flight services for the CIA.

That's one of the ten most absurd things I've read in the last 48 hours. Having been on flights which used the services of flight planning companies like Jeppesen, and having occasionally been with the pilot when he was planning the flight, I'm comfortable asserting that in no case did a flight services vendor demand to know, let alone show even the slightest interest in, what the purpose of the flight was. Which is just as well - it would have been none of their business, and they'd have been told as much.

It occurs to me that there are two other things these two suits have in common - they're both weakly disguised fundraising attempts, and neither one will be successful at anything other than garnering publicity for its plaintiff.

Also posted at issuesblog.com

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 5

Virginia is for Lepers

Virginia has been my home for most of a decade now, and while Virginia has its charms (among them being a hell of a lot more jobs than my home state of Ohio) there is still much to ridicule in my state of domicile. I could speak of the starkly horrific traffic, but that problem is really more of a DC metro issue than one for the state as a whole. But hey, there's still just tons to make fun of:

  • Virginia is for Lepers
  • Sort of the South, but with fewer guns
  • South Carolina may have bolted first, but we made the Confederacy
  • Fireworks! Cigarettes! Ham!
  • Don’t tell any one, but Queen Betsy got around a bit
  • Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
  • My Virginia is Itchy
  • Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
  • Birthplace of the Slave-Ownin' Presidents
  • Tobacco Is Only a Hobby
  • Not so much Virginia as Virginesque
  • East Virginia
  • Home of the CIA. Aaah, damn, now we have to kill you
  • Virginia is for lovers. No, really.
  • Like West Virginia, but without the confusing “West”
  • We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
  • Objects in Virginia are closer than they appear
  • I can stop growing tobacco whenever I want
  • Vagina, Virgin, Virginia
  • Everything historical happened here. Don't even front.
  • Most famous speaker of our state motto: John Wilkes Booth
  • Yeah, it sounds kinda like 'vagina' ha ha we get it
  • Every Minister has been here, yet most managed to make it out
  • Actually it's more like Fairfax County, and everyplace else
  • OMG I can't believe I moved to this hell hole! Oh wait, I was just in Maryland for a minute ... whew
  • Virginia ... where time serving bureaucratic hacks go to get retired in place
  • Home of the NRA ... now git off my lawn!
  • Lick my Virginia
  • Gateway to Montana
  • We would have won the Civil War if wasn't for you meddling kids
  • Birthplace of Liberty, just like Montgomery, AL is the birthplace of the civil rights movement
  • Home of the Gold Mining Interpretive Center of Goldvein, Virginia
  • Home for the illegals ambitious enough to leave the Carolinas, but still too lazy to make New York
  • Colder than you think, and not half as friendly
  • The Real South. If you're from Connecticut
  • Four centuries of slavery, rebellion, and willful ignorance
  • Don't touch my Virginia
  • My Virginia smells funny
  • It’s really more of a middle-aged dominion
  • At least we’re not New Jersey
  • Do you smell fish?
  • Give me Liberty, or Give me Death. But not for negroes
  • You've got a friend in the CIA
  • Gateway to the Confederacy, as Grant proved
  • Virginia ... birth place of the striped shirt ... LOOK AT IT!
  • Home to losers of two civil wars
  • The South will rise again! And, no doubt, be ground down to dust once more
  • Home of the Virginia big-eared bat, and other women
  • Sic semper leperi

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

YEEEAAARRRGGGHHH

Vermont, wedged between two far better states, has long been a hotbed of separatism and posturing independence. And so we turn our critical eye toward the home of overly sweet syrup:

  • YEEEAAARRRGGGHHH
  • If it weren't for us, your pancakes would be dry
  • Canadian Money Accepted Here
  • Birthplace of the Insufferable Hippie
  • Yep
  • Live Free or, uh… something
  • We're Only Cheap in Monopoly
  • Green Loogie State
  • Home of, well, nothing much
  • Manly Deeds, Womanly Hands
  • More people than Alaska!
  • The best French-named state in the union
  • New Connecticut
  • Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
  • Frozen Rednecks
  • Land of Mustaches
  • Our presidents our renowned for doing nothing
  • Vermont – Home of Hippies Too Stupid To Move To Oregon
  • Gettin' busy with New Hampshire since 1791
  • We don't care who you marry, as long as we get the license fee
  • Freedom and Unity, except with those fuckos from New Hampshire
  • The New Jersey of New England
  • The sort of triangular state
  • Vermont, preternaturally
  • Sing it! I, Hate New York
  • Vermont is for Losers
  • Independent does not necessarily mean paranoid
  • Gateway to prosperous upstate New York
  • Piss on Vermont
  • The only state to successfully get out of New York
  • Don’t pick on us just ‘cause we talk funny
  • Ethan Allen, not just mediocre furniture
  • Hillbillies aren’t just from Appalachia
  • Like Massachusetts, only poorer and more socialist
  • The last famous person from Vermont was born in 1872
  • Best skiing on the East Coast, which is like saying you’re the smartest retard
  • Birthplace of creepy Mormonism
  • The first state, after the first thirteen states
  • If Maple syrup was as valuable as oil, we’d be Texas. Or maybe Saudi Arabia

[wik] Bonus slogans!

  • United States? What's that?
  • Ben & Jerry for President!
  • Howard Dean! He's One of Us!!!!!!!
  • Welfare mothers make better lovers
  • North West Virginia
  • Most of us still have teeth
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 7

Why not laugh? It was funny.

Reuters has a story today, "North Korean general cracks George W. Bush joke".

SEOUL (Reuters) - In North Korea, where cracking a joke about the country's leader could see you, well, die laughing, poking fun at the U.S. president is obviously not as serious.

As military chiefs from both sides of the Korean peninsula met on Tuesday for talks, a general from the North started proceedings by telling a joke at George W. Bush's expense.

The South Korean generals appeared befuddled as to what to make of the humour...

Why the reticence to laugh, I don't know. It can't be because of a language barrier, right? The lack of laughter shouldn't be due to the DPRK being, basically, a totally screwed up wasteland, even though that's precisely what it is. The fact that the same joke couldn't be made about the Human Chia Pet in Platform Shoes is moot, really - it's got nothing to do with the story, notwithstanding Reuters' lead in.

And, if you ask me, it shouldn't be due to the joke not being funny, because, while not yucktastic, it mildly humorous, not at all offensive, and doesn't seem wildly far from the truth:

"I recently read a piece of political humour on the Internet called 'saving the president'," Lieutenant-General Kim Yong-chol was quoted as saying in pool reports from the talks.

He then retold the old yarn about Bush who goes out jogging one morning and, preoccupied with international affairs, fails to notice that a car is heading straight at him.

A group of schoolchildren pull the president away just in time, saving his life, and a grateful Bush offers them anything they want in the world as a reward.

"We want a place reserved for us at Arlington Memorial Cemetery," say the children.

"Why is that?" he asks.

"Because our parents will kill us if they find out what we've done."

OK, admittedly, it's a bit poorly constructed and it's derivative of other jokes I've heard, but so are most jokes, at my age. Apparently, both Reuters and the SoKo generals thought it was a bigger deal than it really was.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 6

Some autocrats never learn

It seems that Hugo Chávez could take a lesson on the definition of insanity from Ben Franklin. In his defense, it's not that Chávez is repeatedly trying something that's previously failed for him, just something that's failed every other time a state actor has attempted to put it into place. Perhaps it's just insanity by proxy, then.

Of course, I'm talking about his aggressive advancement of the long-vaunted "Bolivarian Revolution". From the Mother Jones article linked left:

To his increasingly frustrated political opponents in Venezuela, Chavez, a former army colonel, is a leftist demagogue who stirred up a wave of class and racial resentments and rode it to the presidency, and who, in office, has dealt himself new powers at every chance, on his way to becoming an out-and-out caudillo. And to a certain school of international opinion, exemplified by The Economist magazine, Chavez is an wacky utopian who sooner or later will run the Venezuelan economy into the ground.

That introductory paragraph leads into an October 2005 interview with Richard Gott, a former correspondent for the London Guardian who seems knowledgeable and sympathetic to the fiery populism that sometimes seems the prime illuminating factor for Latin American progressive governments. The interview was done in support of his then-updated book, "Hugo Chavez and the Bolivarian Revolution":

...the first account in English to place Chavez in historical and intellectual perspective. In Gott’s sympathetic account, Chavez is a magnetic personality of the Clintonian type, “a genuinely original figure in Latin America,” a radical left-wing nationalist, to be sure, but a pragmatic improviser, and certainly no dogmatic socialist.

Among his statements during the interview, you'd find:

Okay, it's true that Chavez, for the first time this year, has used the word "socialism"—he talks about a "21st Century Socialism"—but he's given absolutely no indication that he wants to emulate Soviet socialism, Cuban socialism, or indeed the sort of state capitalism that existed in Europe for much of the late 20th century. {...} I think he [Chávez] still recognizes the significance of the ideas of Bolivar. He's more interested in culture than in economics. All leftist revolutions in the past have been based on an economic restructuring of society.

Whoops. Looks like Mr. Gott spoke too soon. Because the wacky utopian, contrary to Gott's expectations, seems to have moved even farther left, embracing something that looks a lot like Soviet/Cuban socialism, and has recently chosen to dispense with even the veneer of normal government. 

Last week, as reported in the WSJ, he took steps to nationalize the remaining bits of the Venezuelan oil industry that were still in private hands, handing control of them to PDVSA, the state oil company.

The flamboyant leader set the worker's holiday as a deadline for the companies involved to transfer the facilities to state firm Petroleos de Venezuela SA, or PDVSA. This past week, five of the six companies agreed to hand over the keys: Exxon Mobil Corp., Chevron Corp., BP PLC, Total SA, and Statoil ASA. ConocoPhillips was the only holdout, but in the end will have no choice.

And when they said ConocoPhillips would have no choice, they weren't kidding. From today's Houston Business Journal:

Venezuelan officials vowed to boot ConocoPhillips Inc. out of their country Thursday if the Houston-based oil giant doesn't cooperate in nationalizing its multibillion-dollar assets in the Orinoco reserve.

Of the five companies with major oil investments in Venezuela, ConocoPhillips (NYSE: COP) has been the only one to refuse to sign an agreement ceding financial control to Venezuela as part of President Hugo Chávez's plan to take back his country's largest economic driver.

{...}

Alongside the other companies, ConocoPhillips participated in an operational transfer Tuesday ordered by Chavez, but it's the unsigned agreement that has Venezuelan officials steaming.

Reuters reported that Oil Minister Rafael Ramirez told state television that ConocoPhillips has been knocked to the lowest priority in the negotiations, and went on to say that the OPEC nation would not offer cash concessions or assume debt.

Ramirez also said that if talks break down, Venezuela will assume a 100 percent financial stake.

Conoco has already ceded physical control, mind you; they just haven't signed the agreement Chávez wants indicating that they think it was a great thing to do, and wondering why they hadn't thought of it earlier, on their own, apparently. The end result could be their expulsion from the country, and the loss of 100% of their assets there. The deal breaker, of course, is that entire "no concessions, no assumption of debt" thing. As it should be.

The six private companies whose assets have been expropriated have stated their intention to stay in the market, for the time being. Why? Because they don't want to completely lose their business opportunities and investment in a project that, overall, produces something like 600,000 barrels/day of oil, but perhaps more so because they have no expectation that PDVSA will be able to proceed without their help. From the 4/28/2007 WSJ article in which the nationalizations were originally reported:

PDVSA, saddled by Mr. Chávez's social spending demands, is already struggling to keep production from falling in other parts of the country. If it bungles the operations at the Orinoco, that could be bad news for the oil market.

A rational observer might ask what this all has to do with insanity, even though the autocracy referenced in the title of this post seems clearly explained.

Chávez, notwithstanding Gott's complete misreading of his intentions several years ago, isn't stopping with the oil industry. Having paid off all debts to the World Bank and IMF, he's pulling out of both organizations, citing his feeling that

...the two organisations are implements of US imperialism, with their lending policies perpetuating poverty across the world.

It's a symbolic gesture, then, but symbolic of what? He's chosen the US as his stalking horse, the imperialist yin to his socialist yang, and he needs to use that imaginary relationship as a prop. From the other side of the table, the US ignores him assiduously, not commenting very much on anything he does, partly because Venezuela, while providing 15% of US oil supplies, really doesn't have the capacity to affect the US in any meaningful way. And partly because I'm sure that the US basically ignoring him must drive him crazy.

And, having already nationalized the telecom and electricity industries and threatened the same in the hospital market, he's not stopping with the oil industry asset-thievery, or the withdrawal from the IMF and World Bank and a mandated 20% rise in the minimum wage. Next on the list? The banks and Sidor, a steel company. What's driving all this, one might wonder?

"Privately owned banks must prioritize low-cost financing for Venezuela's industry. If they don't want to do this they can leave, they can give us the banks, we can nationalize them."

and this, about Sidor:

"If the company Sidor ... does not immediately agree to change this process, they will obligate me to nationalize it," Chavez said. "I prefer not to," Chavez added, as he ordered Mining Minister Jose Khan to immediately head over to Sidor's headquarters and come back with a recommendation with 24 hours.

"Sidor has to produce and give priority to our national industries ... and at low cost," he said.

Reminiscent of the old Mafia stereotype, "Nice store you've got here - a shame if something were to, uh happen to it"? Quite a bit. Command economy? Unquestionably. That's been tried before, of course, and has never led to sustainable success. Its aftermath is poverty, and without regard to Venezuela's supposedly massive oil reserves, it will do the same in Venezuela. And it's already started - see the article "Venezuela — Inflation -> Price Controls -> Shortages" at The Liberty Papers, or this Reuters story pegging inflation through April at nearly 20% per annum. Huge inflation in Venezuela's not unprecedented, as seen in a 1989 NYTimes piece pegging inflation that year between 65% and 70%. But the country's exit from the international government lending system seems ill-timed, because they're going to need help eventually, and perhaps sooner rather than later, with the trajectory they're on.

The odd thing about this is that Chávez gives every impression of meaning well for his people, and has been rewarded by ultimately credible, if perhaps a bit inflated, majorities in the last several elections (recall and re-election). Meaning well and doing well are of course two completely separate things, and he also gives every impression of taking his country down a road which from he won't be able to navigate back as it all falls down around his ears.

He's not implementing one of those fuzzy-soft socialist systems commonly found in Europe - this isn't socialism, it's communism. It's got socialism at its core, but add in the enforced state control and the mandated indoctrination, and the only difference between Venezuela and the USSR is the gulags. Well, the gulags and the oil. And the language. But it will fail, and that will happen without overt involvement from what he presumes to be his greatest enemy, the United States. Chávez's actual greatest enemies are economic reality and a willful ignorance of history in pursuit of the utopia he seeks.

Utopia is as unattainable as is perpetual motion, and for similar reasons. Notwithstanding the breathless reporting, low-rent activism, and opinionating in the years since Chávez came to power, history won't be kind to this attempt, either.

(also posted at issuesblog.com)

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 2

Utah welcomes you and your 50 wives!

Utah, the home of the 2002 Olympics and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Utah, which once fought an almost war with the United States, and which once claimed to own Southern California. Utah, home of Utards.

  • Utah welcomes you and your 50 wives!
  • Like Georgia, Only Mormon
  • Coffee, a forty, a pack of Newports and Utah
  • Now open 7 days a week
  • Killer, Polygamous, Bees
  • Birthplace of TV and the BMG
  • Michael Jackson is now almost white enough to live here
  • Putting the "white" in "red, white, and blue"
  • The Salt Lick State
  • Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
  • Utah: 62.4% Mormon, 100% Sexy
  • If you ain't Mormon, get the fuck out!
  • Want Sheep?
  • Utah is Utahded
  • At least we’re not Montana
  • Just think how spastic we’d be if we drank coffee
  • Into Weird Religions Way Before It Was Hip
  • The Righteous Hammer of the Central Rockies
  • We know we didn’t deserve the Olympics
  • There’s a stripper hiding behind every tree
  • Life, Multiplied
  • The LDS is not part of the Illuminati
  • The Hive
  • Five alimony payments is not even funny
  • I’m not retarded, I’m Mormon
  • Utah, we love thee and thee and thee
  • With OUR God, all things are possible
  • Where’s the chicks?
  • Land of the Saints. And we don’t mean the lamer football team.
  • It really sucked giving up multiple wives
  • Bicycling and ties, two great tastes that taste great together
  • Gateway to lifeless desolation
  • Utah: Mormons As Far As The Eye Can See
  • Industry macht frei

[wik] Bonus slogans:

  • That's U-tah, not Me-tah
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Back from a short vacation…

...and once again, I find myself astounded by the institutionalized idiocy of the Transportation Security Administration.

Thanks to Richard Reid, for instance, I still get to experience the silly waste of time inherent in removing my shoes and running them through the scanning equipment. Thanks to the efforts of the 21 alleged terrorists in the UK during the summer of 2006, passenger screening personnel still get to inflict the silly waste of time inherent in depriving passengers of any liquid or gel not contained in a properly sized receptacle, or that receptacle itself not contained in the proper 1-quart see through bag. (See also this item on the Department of Homeland Security's designation of an entire state of matter as a national security risk)

A screener told me yesterday, with no small hint of pride, that, Yes! We still check all passengers' shoes! This, in sleepy little Myrtle Beach, SC, where many, though not most, of the flights are turbo-prop or 57 seat commuter jets with presumably low value as flying projectiles, and even lower value as targets for suicide bombings.

The experience reminded me of the many instances in which Bruce Schneier has had occasion to comment on the misguided nature of our government's reaction to events, including its apparent fetish for adding every new terrorist's trick to the permanent list of reasons for inconveniencing the traveling public, while adding no safety to the equation at all. Zero. I would direct the curious reader to this list of articles on Mr. Schneier's site for a thorough review of all that's wrong with the manner in which our bureaucratic overlords maintain their ridiculous pretense to be adding to our security. He's rightly called it "Security Theater", among other things.

At the time of this writing, the link just above produces a list of 244 such articles. They cover the failures of security, the knee-jerk TSA reactions to events, the useless political correctness and abuses of power inherent in current process, and the arguably unconstitutional restrictions on rights to redress for incorrect blacklisting or commentary about the process as you're having it inflicted on your person. Add to this the gaping productivity hole (estimated at $10 billion/year and up) left by the process, the passengers' costs for security (you didn't think the airlines were absorbing that, of course), and factor in a rational cost/benefit analysis (even under the assumption we wanted to guarantee that no person ever died except from natural causes) and it seems clear that security is not just irksome - it's poorly and stupidly implemented.

Luckily, it's not yet illegal to parody the process while away from airports.

(also posted at issuesblog.com)

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

This Week in Exemplary Human Behavior for 4/28/07

From time to time (as often as our stomachs will allow us to manage it) we at the Ministry will look closely into the depths of human depravity both comical and twisted, and drag up whatever we find there for consideration. The general hope is that by bringing these stories into the light of day we can make them rarer. The usual effect is, instead, we end up sad and depressed about the future of the species.

So, onward!

Dateline: Washington, DC

The Washington Madam scandal has claimed its first victim: The State Department's senior diplomat in charge of USAID, which is devoted to stamping out sex trafficking, human exploitation, and AIDS, has resigned, having copped to using a perfectly innocent telephone service to hire nice Latin American women to come to his house and give him nice therapeutic "massages" in exchange for some untraceable cash money. Nice!!

Dateline: Crazytown

Newsflash: Michelle Malkin has finally completely lost her shit.

Dateline: The Congo and elsewhere

The New York Times has a heartwarmer on the rising use of child soldiers in the pointless conflicts of Africa, because they are loyal, pliable, and uncomplicated by higher philosophical thinking (plus they're easy to make more of). The article also notes that, in a cunning twist, the strongmen who hire them have at this point given up even the thinniest pretenses of a "cause," preferring to cut right to the basic raping, killing, and stealing as their main kinks.

... aaand that's enough for this week. I think I'm going to curl up in my bed under the covers for a while and wish real hard.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

I messed with Texas, and now I have a rash

We’re moving into the home stretch here on Perfidy’s longest running series, alternative state slogans for alternate state people. Today, we focus on Texas, a state that has, historically, been foremost in the republic for arrogance and misplaced judgments of its own competence. Twice since independence Texas has not been part of the United States, a fact that is not well appreciated in light of Texans vehement protestations of patriotism. Anyway, on to the ridicule and fun-poking:

  • I messed with Texas, and now I have a rash
  • If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas
  • Because Sometimes You Make Bad Choices
  • Se Habla Ingles
  • We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
  • 95% More Texasness Than The Next Leading State
  • Crazy 'Bout Guns!
  • Where everything's bigger, except the IQ's
  • Mess with Texas, and Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to death
  • All the oil, without all the burkhas
  • 49 of 50 states agree, Texas Sucks
  • Why?
  • More episodes of Cops filmed on location here than anywhere
  • Prone To Flooding
  • We kill because we’re frightened little girls
  • Have Fun Driving Through Us On Your Way To Nowhere!
  • We gave you nuculer
  • You Grill 'Em, We'll Kill 'Em
  • If we secede again, you're all in deep crap.
  • The Beefstick State
  • I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles
  • An execution a day keeps the prisons relatively empty
  • The Manhandle State
  • Swim to freedom!
  • The unconditionally affirmative frontier
  • Most, but by no means all, things are bigger in Texas
  • Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
  • Because You Can Never Have Enough Churches
  • Come for the oppressive heat, stay for the flat dusty sameness
  • Texas, Schmexas
  • We Live to Annoy the Rest of the Country.
  • Enjoy Leaving!
  • More Mexico
  • Friendship, Except When Betrayed or Approached By Strangers
  • The Key To A Door You Don't Want To Open
  • Yes, it is bigger. You'll have to step back though.
  • Everything Is Brown Here
  • Twice as loud, half as popular
  • We put the "Ex" in "execution"!
  • Texas: Your last, best defense against education.
  • The Dumbo State
  • Our state tree is the gallows.
  • We Let America See Our Bush!
  • The Great Horney Toad State
  • That chili's not hot, you're just a pussy
  • Don’t blame me, I voted Kinky
  • Steers and Queers
  • Y’all can go to hell. I’m goin to Texas. Damn, same thing.
  • Tuck Fexas
  • Welcome Wetbacks and Yankees!
  • The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection
  • The Big Freakin' Hat State
  • More Crime Than You'd Think
  • Things look smaller in Texas
  • Poker? I don’t even know her
  • Texas: Come for the Adventure, Stay for your wrongful execution
  • Birthplace of the meanest president in US History.
  • Rodeo: a way for nominally straight Texans to dress in leather chaps and wrestle with animals
  • Wetbacks R Us
  • Of course we’re loners, who likes a loner?
  • It’s like a whole other planet
  • Gateway to Texas
  • New Jersey thanks God they’re not us
  • Our teenagers are the cutest! Did I say that out loud?
  • Still proud of defeating Mexico
  • Oil, leather, cows, mustaches… It’s not what you think

[wik] Bonus slogans!

  • Okay then. LBJ was sort of an asshole.
  • For the 100th time, they're 'palmetto bugs'
  • We're just as God intended...although maybe not so much with the fire ants, killer bees, rattlesnakes, and little black scorpions
  • 104 with 86% humidity makes you sweat? Fuckin' yankee sissy
  • Hey we don't mind your freaky cult; it's the Feds
  • Nation's leader in cows lost to flash floods
  • All that AND tornados! What a'ya waitin' fer?
  • It's really only this one guy who drives around with steer horns on his Cadillac - Earl Strickland - and he's from fucking Ohio.
  • Gateway to...everywhere! I mean, fuck, look at the size of the place!
  • The entire human population could fit squarely in Texas, but why the fuck would it want to?
  • Bigger than alot of countries, especially pissant European ones
  • Just say 'pardner' instead of 'dude' and you'll be OK
  • Our strippers are 60% sassier than most other leading states
  • Cornerstone of America's ludicrously-oversized-belt-buckle industry
  • We have both political parties: Conservatives and Republicans
  • Beers, steers, and, yes, queers
  • Median strips? Sure, Tex - we put them there specifically so that you could just drive your SUV right the fuck over them.
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 8

If imitation really is the sincerest form of flattery...

We ought to also consider the possibility that disingenuousness is the most obsequious form of lying.

image

Found while catching up with my overload of simultaneously delivered Economist issues, a story entitled "Counterfeit cars in China", and subtitled "The sincerest form of flattery".

Of course, there have historically been regular instances of copyright, trade secret, and patent law violations in China. (Google search links, returning 1.3M, 287K, and 981K document hits, respectively). An argument can be made that such infringement is how third-world and emerging economies grow to become full players in the global market. That argument would ring true, however offensive the concept that "all you need to do to grow is to steal and learn".

COPYING in China goes far beyond fake DVDs, watches and handbags. “We can copy everything except your mother,” goes a saying in Shanghai. Soy sauce with fizzy water passed off as Pepsi, fake Cisco network routers (known as “Chisco's”) and mobile phones that look like the latest offerings from Nokia can all be easily found. So, too, can fake blood plasma.

Aside from the blood plasma (which I don't understand how one might fake), the rest of it is all old news. Counterfeiters of high-value manufactured goods should be restrained by to the barriers to entry, including "huge capital investment".

Of all the products to copy, however, a car is surely the most complicated. Cars consist of around 6,000 precisely manufactured components made from a range of different materials. For a car to be cheap, reliable and long-lasting, says conventional industry economics, these parts need to be put together in factories with huge volumes, lots of expensive machinery and many well-trained engineers.

Turns out that in China's case, that's not as true as might be hoped:

So it came as a surprise when counterfeit cars started to appear in China eight years ago. Early VW look-alikes were soon followed by the infamous Chery QQ. It appeared six months ahead of the car it copied, the Chevy Spark, because a Chinese firm somehow got hold of the blueprints.

All quite troubling, and it goes beyond the Chevy/Chery, affecting many other established manufacturers. 

Yes, it's part of emerging economies' growth path, and yes, once they get to the point where they're creating more intellectual property than they're stealing, balance will be restored in many areas, including balance of trade, manufacturing costs, and living standards. But that doesn't happen overnight, and at some level, the imbalance causes pain in the trading system, yielding such things as (in the US) calls for trade protectionism.

Aside, however, from any arguments about whether, when, and how balance will be restored, it seems reasonable to expect some honor among thieves, no? Honor of the sort I'm considering would be that, if you're going to steal, at least don't lie about it, and if you're going to lie about it, at least put in the effort to make the lie plausible, if not believable.

What's triggered this mild outburst of mine on the subject? This:

Shuanghuan Automobile got into trouble for copying Audi's famous four-ring logo a few years ago. It then copied the design of Honda's CR-V, called it the SR-V and appears to have won the subsequent legal tussle. Last month the firm won an export licence, and it plans to start shipping another model, the CEO (pictured)—a sport-utility vehicle with a striking resemblance to the BMW X5—to Romania and Italy.

Copying DaimlerChrysler's small two-seater Smart car seems to have become especially popular. In January Shuanghuan launched an electric version, called the Dushi Mini. It followed in the tracks of Shandong Huoyun Electromobile, a firm that makes golf buggies, which launched its own version last year and announced plans to sell the car in Europe for less than half the price of the original.

After Daimler threatened to sue, the car was temporarily withdrawn. A spokesman for the Chinese firm said he had been surprised by the way his car resembled the original, explaining that the company had simply copied a toy car.

A toy car? Excuse me? Who's their spokesman, I wonder? Tommy Flanagan? Baghdad Bob?

Growing up to achieve a seat at the adult table in international trade would seem to preclude such blatant disingenuity. In the circumstances, the spokesman could have been expected to be at least a little sheepish after such an utterance.

(also posted at issuesblog.com)

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 2

Anschluss

The United States has twice invaded Canada in the course of prosecuting wars against Great Britain. Despite this violent start to US-Canadian relations, on many occasions over the last two hundred years, people have proposed with varying degrees of seriousness that various bits of Canada be annexed to the United States. But for some people, that sort of piecemeal aggrandizement just isn’t enough.

For example, this website argues that there should be a complete merger of Canada and the United States. Given that Canada has only 10% of the population of its southern neighbor, they recommend that the Canadians adopt wholesale the political system and constitution of the United States. (And argue as well that the American Federal system will serve to preserve large measures of Canadian independence.

Among the benefits of such a merger would be the creation of, geographically, the largest country in human history. Most of the new territory is of course arctic wasteland, but it’s still land. The ten percent increase in population would narrow slightly the margin with China, which will be important in a couple decades when China goes imperialistic and attacks. Also, the added GNP will put us in a better position with regard to the EU. Dropping unnecessary border installations, customs, and redundant government installations will surely result in a savings for the taxpayer.

While this has absolutely no chance in Hell of ever happening, it is interesting to contemplate. (We’d have a better chance, I think, of picking up bits of Canada if Quebec ever decided to secede.) The most significant impact would be political, considering the close margins between Republicans and Democrats in the last few elections.

Consider: of the ten provinces, nine are big enough to become states, population wise. (Prince Edward Island only has 127,000 people – it would have to be rolled into New Brunswick or Newfoundland.) Of these provinces, now states, most would, thanks to their low populations, get the minimum three electoral votes. As we know, states with low populations get a disproportionate impact in the US Electoral College.

Bush won the 2004 election by five electoral votes. If Canada had been assimilated before the election, what would the result have been? Assuming that each province adopted the traditional winner-take all approach of most states, and that everyone who voted in the 2006 Canadian federal election for Liberal or NDP candidates voted for Kerry, this is what would have happened: Bush would have taken Alberta (6), Saskatchewan (3) and Manitoba (3), and lost by a whisker in British Columbia, for a total of 12 electoral votes. Kerry would have won in all the other small provinces, and gained BC (8) and Ontario (19), for a total of 36 electoral votes, throwing the election decidedly to Kerry no matter how Quebec voters went.

But, what if the provinces adopted the Maine method of determining their electoral votes? If so, then all the smaller provinces with three electoral votes would be unchanged, as would Alberta which went decidedly conservative. But, assume that Bush edges Kerry in BC, for a 5/3 split. And in Ontario, Bush would pick up six of the seventeen congressional districts for a 13/6 split. Both Kerry and Bush would likely pick up to districts apiece in Quebec, which gives us a total of 25 for Bush, 27 for Kerry. Bush would be up by three overall, and the last nine electoral votes would be in the hands of the Parti Quebecois.

The French would at last have their wish, control over America.

[wik] Ran into some other interesting sites in reading about the above: The Apportionment Paradox, Congressional Apportionment, and Thirty-Thousand.org.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 5

Celebrating 50 Years Of Shitty Country Music

Tennessee was once nearly the state of Franklin before it all fell apart in a welter of acrimony, economic backwardness, Indian assault, and no doubt duels and whiskey. But the people regrouped, tried again, and successfully became Tennessee. For some fairly small values of "successful."

  • Celebrating 50 Years Of Shitty Country Music
  • We're Like Kentucky, But With Cities
  • A unique fixer-upper opportunity
  • The Darwin State
  • The Educashun State
  • The Parallelogram State
  • Home of Most of Dolly Parton
  • Daaaavey Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier
  • The Forced Conscription State
  • Got Cooter?
  • We’re huge in Germany
  • I Ride With Forrest
  • Hooray For Dollywood
  • At least we've got Elvis
  • West West Virginia
  • We’re bigger than France, and better smelling
  • Almost Franklin
  • We didn’t volunteer fer nuthin
  • Don’t make me take off my Bible belt
  • I love it when a plan comes together
  • Home of Five Future Presidents
  • Home of Al Gore, and therefore the Internet
  • If you can read this motto, you may not be from Tennessee
  • Follow Me To Tennessee, And Answer Me These Questions Three
  • Gateway to Alabama
  • I Hate Tennessee
  • That’s Appalachian-American, you insensitive clod
  • Fuck Walking Horses
  • Tennessee is like a mullet: business in front, party in the back
  • The Hillbilly State
  • As Fertile as the Tennessee Valley
  • Aim High: Agriculture and Commerce
  • Don't go lookin for them damn melungeons
  • The Hog and Hominy State
  • Mother of Southwestern Motherfucking Statesmen
  • The Butterbutt State
  • Sounds Good to Me

[wik] There is a country-type band out of Ohio called Lost State of Franklin. They sound like a country version of Timbuk 3. It grows on you. You can listen to them here, click on "Clint Eastwood." This Clint Eastwood is nothing like the Gorillaz version.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Bering Straight Tunnel connects nowhere to nowhere

A little bird tells me that the Russkies are planning to build an undersea tunnel to the United States. No doubt this is some sort of paleo-commie plot. But it is an interesting, and hugely expensive one. The scheme is to build from the Easternmost tip of Siberia, to the little islands about halfway between there and Alaska, and then back into the water and over to Alaska. At over $10 billion, it will even cost more than Boston's big dig. The tunnel, which in its longest stretch will be underwater more than twice the distance of the chunnel, would carry rail, power, pipelines and road traffic. As cool as this is, theoretically, I can't really imagine that it would be terribly profitable, or useful. As a way to improve transportation to resource rich and largely empty Siberia, I would think that other schemes might give more payback. Saying you're connecting two continents that have been separated for 10,000 years sounds nifty. But what you're really doing is connecting the most desolate and uninhabited part of Russia with the most desolate and isolated part of the United States. If they build it, cool, but there isn't a lot of traffic piling up there, and sea transport is cheaper than rail anyway.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

If Hell were a grim, wind-swept icy plain, well, then this would be Hell

South Dakota, where some creepy guy once spent fourteen years carving presidents into a mountainside. South Dakota, where if there were still Buffalo, they'd roam. South Dakota...

  • If Hell were a grim, wind-swept icy plain, well, then this would be Hell
  • Under God and the Stony Gaze of Dead Presidents, the People Rule
  • The Land of Land and Also Dirt
  • Hello? Can anyone hear me? Hey! Over here!
  • There’s no place like South Dakota, even South Dakota
  • Closer Than North Dakota, unless of course, you’re Canadian. And you’re in Canada, as opposed to a Canadian visiting Texas. Doesn’t make much difference for Washington, since it’s West. Same for Maine. And all of New England…
  • It’s better in South Dakota. Better than what, we’re not saying.
  • At least we've got Rushmore
  • Plenty of parking
  • The North Dakota of the South
  • The Original Mount Rushmore State
  • Our capital has kind of a faggotty French sound, doesn’t it? Be honest
  • 6,417 more square miles of nothin than puny North Dakota
  • The other Sunshine State
  • Seig Heil, South Dakota
  • The Artesian State, nudge, nudge
  • The unending blizzard state
  • Bury my heart, and 299 other hearts, at Wounded Knee
  • At least we’re not New Jersey. North Dakota is New Jersey.
  • Gateway to the Badlands
  • Just ‘cause there’s a “South” in our name doesn’t mean we’re southern
  • Someone loves you in South Dakota. And he’s armed.
  • Don’t trust those Hun North Dakoters
  • Did you hear about North Dakota’s black guy?
  • Really near North Dakota
  • Come to South Dakota, we swear you’ll have a better time than the Sioux did
  • South Dakota kicks so much ass, it might as well be Iowa
  • Almost 7000 black people! We’re diverse!

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Birthplace of the Civil War

South Carolina was among the foremost in fighting the oppression of the British, and later first to fight the Union to preserve its own. Perhaps this makes South Carolina an easy target. So be it.

  • Birthplace of the Civil War
  • If at first you don't secede: try, try again.
  • That’s “secession” not “treason”
  • Thank God Almighty the Atomic Bomb wasn’t invented in 1864
  • The other white state.
  • Rednecks and Peckerwoods, Unite!
  • The Palmetto Bug State
  • Like North Carolina, only Souther
  • Try to forget the great evil in our past. We do.
  • 50th in education, first in mobile home sales
  • Home to the two worst Jacksons in American History
  • Admit It, You Wish Lincoln Let Us Secede
  • We fly the confederate battle flag ‘cause it matches our truck
  • The Palmetto Dystopia
  • That’s “heritage” not a history of brutal oppression and armed rebellion
  • The Boiled Peanut State
  • Oh, yeah -- like we're going to be concerned about an NAACP tourism boycott.
  • We're "South of the Border"
  • Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
  • Keystone of the South Atlantic Seaboard
  • The Iodine State
  • The Sand-lapper State
  • Who Shall Separate Us? Stupid Question
  • We owned more slaves than Caesar!
  • Wealth gained from oppression spends like any other wealth
  • Don’t let the sun set on your ass in our state, nigger
  • Land of Two Mottoes
  • We prefer to call it the “War of Northern Aggression”
  • Ya don't think removin' that flag changes nothin', do ya, boy?
  • Thank god for air conditioning and deet
  • Southern pride and valor does not trump Northern industry and logistics
  • We could have told the Japanese attacking a Union base by surprise was a very, very bad idea indeed.
  • Come for the scrub pine and trailer shanties, stay for the barely repressed racism
  • Freedom with Poverty, rather than Slavery with Luxury
  • We know no caste or color
  • The spirit of John Brown still lives
  • Liberty and Union, One and Inseparable

[wik] I actually thought carefully before adding one of those slogans. So before you complain that I am some sort of insensitive monster, follow the link for the last four mottoes.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Memo missed, new word learnt

I'm sure that the rest of the Ministers got theirs, but I must have missed the memo on the start of the Canadian seal-clubbing season. Dang.

Via an article in the April 4 2007 Economist (subscription required) entitled "On thin ice", I've learned that global warming has impacted Southern Canada's ability to provide fodder for the particpants in its seal-clubbing industry. Clearly, the government needs to do something to avoid disenfranchisement of the affected group.

THE activists have armed themselves with helicopters, video cameras and outrage. The hunters have their sharp hooks and blunt clubs, often combined into a single sinister-looking instrument of Norwegian design known as a hakapik. Canada's seal-hunting season officially began on April 2nd along with the usual row between those who denounce it as senseless cruelty and those who defend it as a traditional and necessary part of local livelihoods. Thanks to global warming, however, the argument might soon become redundant.

So it seems that the protesters are impaired in their ability to effectively protest. Global warming - Is there anything it can't do? Admittedly, not everyone can muster much sympathy for the perpetually outraged pretend-protectors of the cute little seals.

The problem?

This year there has been less of the usual footage of burly men bashing small furry skulls and of blood smeared across the ice floes. That is not because the hunters have become less aggressive, but because suitable seals have become scarcer. Thanks to an unusually warm winter, the ice is melting early in the southern Gulf of Saint Lawrence, where hunting began this week. The seal pups on which the hunt preys are reared on the ice until they are old enough to swim. So the premature thaw has drowned them—before the hunters had the chance to kill many.

Less seal-cranium-crushing= less for PETA, or whomever, to kvetch about. In a nod to realities of the matter, the Canadian government points out that seal hunting "brings income to struggling fishing communities", which I'd guess is a good thing.

Not surprisingly, the protesters don't care, and want to protest, regardless of any benefits to the communities in which the hunting occurs. However...

... campaigners against seal hunting are not wholly beyond reproach either. Few bother to make it clear that the killing of the youngest pups with fluffy white pelts has been banned for 20 years. They also make it sound as if the seals are endangered. In fact, the seal population has tripled since the 1970s.

In another bow to reality, and due to warm conditions in the South, the government has reduced the quota for seal hunters from 335,000 to only 270,000. The practical effect is to have shifted seal-hunting to the colder northern climes.

The sealers in those areas tend to hunt with rifles, and so do not provide such good fodder for media campaigns.

You'd think, reading it, that both the hunters and the complainers are equally wrong-footed by the weather, but that's not the case - the hunters can always head north. There's not enough outrage available up there for the complainers, however, and therefore I stand by my assertion that they're the ones most unfairly affected.

Oh, and yes, the new word learned is hakapik. Help me out here - the name of that tool isn't onomatopoeic, since it surely doesn't make a sound like its name. What's the description of a word which (in its English incarnation, at least) has a name that sounds as though it's describing what you can do with it?

[wik] Technically, if the protesters actually cared about the seals, wouldn't they try to save them from drowning, as well as from the evil hunters?

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

The Little State that Couldn’t

Rhode Island was a notorious hold out during the period of the Constitutional convention, and has played an equally large role in the country's affairs in the two centuries since. As a result, this tiny state smaller than most large cities has a lot to answer for. Let us begin:

  • The Little State that Couldn’t
  • Pound for pound, the most corrupt state in the union
  • Small? Yes, But We Know What To Do With It
  • A kindler, gentler Massachusetts
  • Yes, we know what a "peninsula" is
  • Size ain't everything
  • In Texas, we’d be lucky to be a county
  • Plantations aren’t just for Mississippi
  • We make Connecticut look huge
  • No, We're Not Surrounded by Water
  • We Don't Know Why It's Called "Island" Either
  • The island state that really isn't an island
  • Don't blink or you'll miss us.
  • Welcome to Rhode Island... and… Leaving Rhode Island
  • First to tell King George to kiss our ass
  • The Anti-Alaska
  • The Religious Toleration State, for some very odd values of “toleration”
  • L’il Rhodie
  • The Coffee Milk State
  • You keep using that word “Providence” I don’t think it means what you think it means
  • Look, the other side of the state!
  • We've got lots to offer: crappy weather, smelly hippies, ... yeah, that's all
  • Triple A Minor For The Kennedys
  • We're Not Really An Island
  • Have a free travel guide ... yes, we know ... its only one page
  • Roodt Eylandt
  • It’s cozy
  • We're still not so sure about this whole constitution thing
  • The only thing worse than our accent is the smell of our coastline
  • Welcome! Oh, you're just heading to Boston ...
  • How about a bowl of chowda with that?
  • Running from Puritans since 1636
  • The Little State that’s full of Absinthe Fiends
  • Sshhh. You don’t have any Puritans with you?
  • Freedom is just another word for nowhere else to go
  • The Central Southern Gateway of New England
  • We didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition
  • If battleships were proportional to state area, ours would be trawler-sized
  • Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
  • There’s a little bit of Texas in Rhode Island, but it’s trying to get out
  • Hope. It’s all we got left
  • Rhode Island, it’s the place for me, and not for thee

[wik] Bonus slogans:

  • The 'taint of New England
  • That's "vudeyelind" to the natives
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Under Construction

We're moving into the home stretch in the Ministry series, "Alternate but less tasteful slogans for states we hate." On deck is Pennsylvania, a state which reached its zenith of importance in 1787 and has been on an ever-steeper downward trend since. On a personal note, I would like to express my deep and abiding hatred and contempt for all things Pennsylvania: from Pittsburgh and its sports franchises, to the arrogance of the Amish, to the bumpy, constraining and ever-under-repair roads with their less than courteous state troopers, and finally its sullen squareness. I sincerely wish that someone would decide to extend I-68 further west to connect with I-77, so that I would never have to drive through it again. But enough about me, let's rip on PA:

  • Under Construction
  • We'll huff, and we'll puff, and our cops will burn your house down
  • Pennsylvania Speed Limit Still 65 mph
  • Cook With Coal
  • Founded in 1681 by wackos
  • Not to be confused with Dracula's home
  • The Oil, Ketchup, Coal, Steel, and Chocolate State
  • Worth two beaver pelts a year in 1681; that's 57 cents in today's currency
  • Pennsylvania. Nice.
  • We're smoldering for YOU.
  • Where only the girls are horsey
  • Come see the charming, primitive Amish, who by comparison make the rest of Pennsylvania look advanced.
  • If we can't be trusted with the Liberty Bell, what can we be trusted with?
  • Training place of the secret Amish armies
  • Beware the Giant Bell-Cracking Industrial Complex
  • Three headed fish are tasty
  • Keystonecopia
  • Come For the Gritty Slums, Stay for the Abandoned Steel Mills
  • With goats, all things are possible
  • Where New Jersey Shits
  • We've got the city of brotherly love! No, not that kind of love you pervert
  • At least we’re not Utah. But we’re trying.
  • The Peace through Invisible Lines State
  • You want fries on that?
  • Don’t hit the buggies. Amish are a violent people
  • It was so bad in the eighties, Billy Joel wrote a song about us
  • Gateway to Youngstown
  • Our biggest accomplishment is to fit a five thousand mile long highway into a state only 283 miles wide
  • Between the inbreeding and the radiation, a sportsman's paradise
  • How about some Pierogies and Fanta?
  • Shoofly pie is not made of flies
  • TMI: It means something else here.
  • Birthplace of the turnpike. That will be $82, please
  • Recriminations aside, we’d love to have you visit
  • Merge Right
  • Our cops love C4
  • It's still Nig-a-ria to us.
  • How would you like a bullet with your Chianti?
  • Poconos, for the best hot sheets motels east of the Mississippi
  • Because we're so much better than Manhattan
  • Scrapple, it’s not just a food, it’s a lifestyle
  • Three Mile Island: It’s no Chernobyl!
  • Free lube job with oil change
  • Perfect Tensylvania
  • Proud birthplace of Stephen Fucking Foster
  • No, we don’t dress like the guy on the oatmeal canister.
  • Secret Chocolate Rivers tended by murderous dwarves
  • Keys aren't made of stone, asshole
  • The nougatty center of a Maryland/New York muffin log
  • Home of the Other Turnpike
  • Diesel fuel makes asphalt last longer. Really.
  • Someday, all of the Benjamin Franklin impersonators will fight all of the Mark Twain impersonators, flooding valleys and destroying whole towns in their wake, until nothing is left. That battle will take place in Carlisle, PA

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3