April 2006

We Stand For Freedom, Liberty and... I mean, we Sit For Freedom, Liberty, and...

This is just about the dorkiest thing I've seen since, well... ever. Captain Ed has started a group he's called the "101st Fighting Keyboardists. they've got a logo and everything.

Our friends on the port side of the blogosphere have had quite a time tossing around funny little nicknames for those of us who support the war on terror and use our blogs to express our convictions about it. We've seen the names here at CQ in the comments section -- the term "chickenhawk" has appeared more than once, and others in the blogosphere have assigned us to a unit called the 101st Fighting Keyboardists.

I've thought about that for a while, wondering what exactly about both epithets appear so fascinating to left-wing bloggers. As a middle-aged grandfather supporting a chronically ill wife, I have few options for doing my part in the war on terror. After 9/11, I spent weeks looking into different options for service while trying to balance my family obligations. Our family found out just three weeks after the attack that the Little Admiral would soon join us, and the implications of terrorism and war weighed heavily on my mind. I resolved to use the skills I had -- writing -- to make the case for fighting a forward strategy against terrorists. Eventually that led me to this blog, but in the interim I argued for a continued muscular offensive against the Islamofascists that had murdered thousands of our fellow Americans.

Is that the same as military service? Of course not. The men and women of the military do the real fighting, and we salute them and support them by supporting their mission. Milbloggers give us the best of both worlds by not only defending our nation and fighting (and beating) terrorists around the globe, but also by reporting on the fight first hand. There is honor in engaging in public debate for policies which we believe are in our nation's best interest as well. For many of us, we know that without presenting our arguments in the national forum, many in the media and the public will quickly overpower the debate and threaten the policies we feel give us the best long-term opportunity to defeat terrorism and the states that fund and shelter them.

....

That's why Frank J of IMAO, Derek Brigham of Freedom Dogs, and I have decided to create -- for real -- the 101st Fighting Keyboardists and adopt the chicken hawk as our mascot. First of all, the term "fighting keyboardist" describes our efforts pretty well, and we think the pseudo-military terminology is pretty danged amusing. Derek himself designed the logo.

....

Make of that what you will.

I mean, my esteemed coblogger Buckethead jokes about being a "Chairborne Ranger" or a member of the "Keyboard Brigade," (okay, half the time it's me calling him those things, but that fact is inconvenient to my current point so let's overlook it, mmkay?), but that's with the understanding that blogging is in no way a noble sacrifice that contributes in any way whatsoever to the actual shooting war that's going on half a world a way. Because that's the actual situation.

Anyway, hop over there and read the comments, which are totally priceless: "sign me up!" "Can I join?" "John Kerry, reporting for duty!!"

As a liberal who never trusted the Bush administration to not f*ck up there little adventure in Iraq, and who has said so publicly while simultaneously mocking the overwrought conviction of the loony fringes on each side (which evidently makes me one of the people they think can go suck it), I am frankly cowed into silent submission at the resolve and frankly incredible insight of these men, these dorks, this band of brothers. Or whatever.

Well, really it just makes me tired.

[wik] idiosynchronic of low and left (coblogger of our valued loyal reader "iamcoyote") notes something I'm grateful I didn't have to point out myself, because the fishinbarrelicious frission of the whole deal would make me feel a little dirty. That is, idiosynchronic noticed something I was trying not to notice, being the sporting and fair-minded chap that I am, namely a surely unintentional resemblance between the Chickenhawk logo and the German Eagle, a national symbol that once symbolized the stiff-necked greatness of the Empire, but which came to seem unspeakably crass circa, oh, 1946 or so. Its use by the Chairborne Rangers (unofficial motto: "We'll Beat You Down With One Hand Ti... Well, Let's Just Say The Other Hand Is Busy!") has to be the single shiningest example of AutoGodwinPwnage ever seen in the history of the internets.

[alsø wik] Dr. Sanity, now of the "Fighting Keybees," as the 101st is styling itself, want us all to know that they

stand for TRUTH, JUSTICE, and the ultimate DEFEAT OF TYRANNY. [And, that includes all of you tyrants or tyrant wannabees out there in the blogsphere who are completely without a sense of humor; and/or who take those vapid and banal exhortations for "peace" so seriously you are unable to see that you represent the greatest threat to peace and freedom in the universe. All humorless and ideological cretins can just suck it up--because we mean you!]

Oh, I got a sense of humor all right. I think all this big-talkin' steely-eyed internet resolve to fight 'splodeydopes and liberals alike through their heavy, heavy words is hilarious.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 10

Looks like 1 May is the day to catch up on your shopping

Reuters covers the impending public display of 1/10th of Mexicans demanding to be Americans here.

On the one hand, that sounds like a fine thing: all those millions, that vast multitude willing to risk so much to be one of us. On the other hand, giving ultimatums and listing among your intentions that, "America's major cities will grind to a halt and its economy will stagger" are not the way to engender sympathy for your cause. Just wanted to throw that out there, you know, in case it wasn't blatantly obvious to anyone.

Reuters calls them "pro-immigration activists"; that's who will be taking to the streets on 1 May. "Pro-immigration activists".

That's funny, because every time Lady Lethal and I had to go wrestle with the INS over some bit of her paperwork- which always cost alot of $$, not to mention lost work time and travelling expenses, and disregarding the psychic toll of dealing with cold bureaucrats- I don't recall ever seeing a "pro-immigration" activist. Not anywhere near the JFK Building, the Government Center plaza, the Red Line, or the Green Line.

That's because all the pro-immigration people were inside the building, waiting in line.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 5

In USA, television watches YOU

Oceania has always been at war with... ahh shit. Who'm I kidding? Here I am with a story about a new video display in development by Apple that contains image-collecting cells interlaced with the image-emitting ones, thereby permitting a fully functional two-way video screen, and all I can come up with are Yakov Smirnoff and George fricking Orwell.

Is there an office I need to report to, to have my pundit-pass torn up? Or at the very least stamped "HACK" in giant red block capitals?

[wik] Speaking of George Orwell, I just read a fascinating brace of books. First was Orwell's debut novel, Burmese Days, drawn from his experience in His Majesty's colonial service, and about the deranging effects that colonialism has on colonizer and colonized alike. Apparently Orwell had some problems with the system.

Shortly after reading that, my loving wife the librarian handed me Finding George Orwell in Burma, by Emma Larkin, an American author raised in Southeast Asia. A few years ago, Larkin returned to Myanmar in order to visit all the places that George Orwell either wrote about or himself visited while in the Service, with the notion of making a book out of the trip. Along the way she uncovered the terrible and disheartening fact that Orwell is viewed by those few intellectuals who manage to endure under Myanmar's insane regime as a veritable prophet of their misery. In the back rooms of shops, in apartments with the shutters closed, in groups of two and three so as to not require an official "gathering" permit, people meet to read, exchange, and discuss books, handing moldering paperbacks by Western authors from hand to hand, racing against time and mildew to absorb the text before the books fall to pieces or they are discovered, detained, and disappeared by the government's vast network of informants. In this sub-sub-sub culture, this demimonde of intellectual resistance, they treat 1984 as though it were the roadmap to the system that rules their world.

Being that Myanmar's military rulers do in fact intrude in thousands of ways into every moment of every person's life, spoon feed the populace "news" that advances their purposes, mandates constant public displays of love for the rulers and hatred of the enemy (both internal enemies of the state and the puppeteers that ostensibly move them from abroad) and acts vigorously and without scruple to crush out every spark of independent thought, it turns out that in Myanmar, 1984 isn't merely a chilling if slightly hokey novel for seventh-graders. It's goddamn holy truth.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

Why Motorhead Rocks Your Hole, Reason #210

Their deep commitment to rocking your intellect as thoroughly and enthusiastically as your hole.

Dig:

There are 23 generally accepted canonical works, mostly studio but some live records too. If you take the first letter of every word in the album title and string them out, you get this, the Motorhead Power Word:

MOBAoSNStHIFAPDNMORnRNSAA1916MoDBSOSSBLELTEEWAMTBoMHLaBAI

If you record yourself saying the canonical Power Word, then play the recording backwards at 1/3 speed, you should hear, "LEMMY ROCKS YOUR HEAD AND HOLE LEMMY ROCKS YOUR HEAD AND HOLE" in a forgotten dialect of Aramaic indigenous only to a small band of Levantine pirates who, in the early 1st century, used a smallish slab of Lemmy-shaped coral as their sea lair.

But that's not the half of it.

Consider the mystical number 23. Add that to the 57 characters of the Power Word and what do you get? 80.

Next consider the album title 1916. Pretty odd that it's the only numerically-titled release, no? And why that number? Well think it through:

1+9+1+6=17.

Now add that to 80 and you get 97. 97.

Ninety-seven is Lemmy's height in inches, or a hair under 8'1.

I mean, it's stuff like that, the number games, the language games, the historical awareness...the deep and broad intellectualism that is at the core of Motorhead's music and message is what makes them unique, and allows them to kick your ass in all kinds of subtle, eye-opening ways.

All I can say is, thanks.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 3

Actual Facts

Only 12 percent of monetary transactions around the world involve money.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Someone set me up the bomb

I have now taken the same quiz as my compatriots, and it is clear that, far from dying peacefully in my sleep well into my second century of life, surrounded by loved ones, I'm destined for a grisly and chillingly newsworthy end.

You scored as Gunshot. Your death will be by gunshot, probably because you are some important person or whatever. Possibly a sniper, nice, quick, clean shot to the head. Just beautiful.

Bomb

67%

Gunshot

67%

Posion

60%

Cut Throat

60%

Natural Causes

60%

Eaten

53%

Disease

47%

Disappear

40%

Stabbed

40%

Accident

40%

Drowning

40%

Suicide

20%

Suffocated

13%

What the hell? Where'd I get so many enemies?!? Guess I'd better start sitting with my back to the wall down at the local Thai/sushi joint and tiki bar that is my usual watering hole. Don't wanna die with a tall glass of Singha and a plate of o-toro sashimi in front of me. I mean, there's worse ways to go, I guess, than enjoying a plate of fatty tuna belly. I could die at MacDonald's. At least bomb or bullet is quick, right? Mebbe I better start looking for that land in the woods of Nova Scotia I've always wanted. Big fence. Mean dogs. A moat.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 7

Proof I'm the oldest sod around here

As if it were needed. You reach a point in your life where you're so boring that you get quiz results like those below. Which, by the way, were totally predictable in my case.

You scored as Natural Causes. Your death will be by natural causes, though not by any diseaese, because that is another option on this test. You will probably just silently pass away in the night from old age, and people you love won't realize until the next morning, when you are all purple and cold and icky. So be happy, you won't be murdered.

Natural Causes

80%

Cut Throat

53%

Gunshot

53%

Bomb

33%

Suicide

27%

Posion

20%

Disappear

20%

Accident

13%

Stabbed

13%

Suffocated

7%

Disease

0%

Drowning

0%

Eaten

0%

[wik] Entire contents of table above are [sic]. I'm not one of those whose raison d'etre is to edit other peoples' sloppy spelling. Or my own, for that matter.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 6

It's the aliens, see

Curious, I took the test GeekLethal linked in the previous post. It seems I am fated to just disappear. Hopefully, I will do it with less spelling errors than the author of the test.

You scored as Disappear. Your death will be by disappearing, probably a camping trip gone wrong or an evening hike you never returned from. Always remember that one guy who was hiking alone and got in a rock slide. He could have died, but he cut his own hand off to save himself. Don't end up like him (or worse, dead).

Suicide

73%

Disappear

73%

Eaten

67%

Poison

53%

Bomb

53%

Cut Throat

47%

Gunshot

47%

Natural Causes

40%

Stabbed

40%

Suffocated

40%

Accident

33%

Disease

13%

Drowning

13%

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

Another Bleach Spritzer, Mr. Lethal?

Very interesting. I can think of a dozen people off the top of my head who might agree that I could use a nice tall glass of shut up, but would probably stop short of plotting to kill me. For my part, gentle reader, fret not. The suicide clause in my life insurance policy absolutely precludes auto-darwinating in any form. I'm just gonna have to stick around and suck it like everyone else. Hat tip to Lysander, latest in this chain of quizzery.

You scored as Poison. Your death will be by poison, probably because you are a glutton and are around so many people that it would be easy to get away with it. Several important people in history share your fate.

Poison

 

93%

Suicide

 

93%

Bomb

 

80%

Stabbed

 

60%

Natural Causes

 

53%

Disappear

 

47%

Suffocated

 

40%

Cut Throat

 

40%

Eaten

 

33%

Accident

 

27%

Drowning

 

27%

Gunshot

 

20%

Disease

 

0%

 

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 0

Actual Facts

One in twelve city-dwelling squirrels will be killed by an automobile. Another four are killed by Bob Tyrell of Russell, Indiana.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

No better than the French

Based on the latest antics of "Denny Pelosi", one could reasonably get the impression our elected leaders are either gutless or elitist.

Sometimes, reality sucks. Current gas prices are a great example of that.

The French way, it would seem, is to propose a half-solution to the problem (better than none, mind you), and then to climb down from it after street protests by the disaffected presumed-losers from the policy. Examples abound, but the recent tail-between-the-legs by "Black Jack" Chirac on the utterly reasonable attempts by Dominique Marie François René Galouzeau de Villepin to grease the market for youth employment in France is perhaps most instructive.

That was a case either of the government being too weak-kneed to tell the people what they needed to hear or being certain the people were too stupid, greedy, or both to understand the need for change. Result? Cram-down policies, rejected by the people because they weren't explained fully and correctly.

Same deal today in the US, it seems - the scary correlation between Bush's approval rating and gas prices has awakened the sleeping and impotent populist in each of our Republican leaders. Morons. It's bad enough when the Democrats do it, but flatly embarrassing when the GOP does.

I'm sure that sometimes it's better to be seen to be doing something rather than not, but this isn't one of those times, and will simply feed and nurture the economic illiteracy of those who don't know better. How many times will we go through this charade of pretending that if prices go up, someone's slipping us the high hard one? When prices go down, these same folks, illiterates and impotent populists both, seem not to think it odd at all.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 1

I'm headed for the stars, me

The Ministry is now bound for the vasty deeps of space, riding a beam of light and yodeling like Slim Pickens on the A-Bomb in Dr. Strangelove.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

New Adventures in Monotony

Er, Monopoly. New adventures in Monopoly.

It's America's favorite socially acceptable expression of raw capitalism, made manifest in cardboard and psychedelic currency. No other single gaming product better teaches the lesson that it is good to be a have, and that, by definition, the have-nots are losers.

Everyone has a copy somewhere, and most of you probably know where it is- closet, basement, attic- maybe even still set up from the night before on the big spool table in your living room. Maybe you still have the bits from your old set pressed into new missions: board to cover broken window; plain ol' "dice" turned into 2D6 and working for a Gary Gygax product; desperately gripping the racecar token- your final tangible asset since you sold off your last duplicative organ for real money- and used the last of the game money to kindle your hobo cooking fire and reflect on how you lost at life just as you lost every game of Monopoly you ever played...

Sssooooo.... yeah.

Hasbro is soliciting votes here for new spaces on an updated gameboard. And let's face it, we're due. However boring the gameplay is going to be, having Depression-era landmarks and cultural cues have not helped keep it fresh and interesting. And shit I've never even BEEN to Atlantic City. Matter of fact, the last time I went that far down the Garden State Parkway I wound up at the no-diamond-rated, non-luxury accomodations of the Department of Defense, a guest at Fort Dix' training barracks and the 4th Battalion, 39th Infantry. Not in a hurry to get back, thanks.

So. Among some of the changes are updated Chance and Community Chest cards to make them more relevant to our place and time. Maybe they replace "won $10 in a beauty contest" with "finalist on American Idol" or something. Gone are the railroads, in favor of airports like O'Hare and Hartsfield-Jackson.

What I don't get though are whether the sites that Hasbro is asking participants to vote on are the ones that will be bought and sold. I mean, you can't very well build a house on Hoover Dam, or sell Beacon Hill. I doubt there's enough raw currency in circulation on the planet to buy Beacon Hill, anyway. So if that's the plan, I don't like it. I respect efforts to modernize the look and feel of the game, but can't get behind the landmarks thing.

I think it would be better for each purchasable property on the board to represent an entire, actual city. So instead of just Atlantic Ave on the classic board, on the new board you'd buy Atlantic City. Keep it going: the purple spaces would be, say, Newark and Detroit; Hartford and DC would fit right about where Connecticut Ave is now, maybe closer to Baltic. Er, Detroit. Updated utilities might include Comcast or other high speed cable/ISP. Boston...hmmm...I'd say somewhere in the high yellow, into green properties. Maybe L.A. for Park Place, NYC for Boardwalk? Jail could still be jail, I guess; maybe zazz it up by making it Pelican Bay. Well, except then you'd probably never get out. Maybe instead of jail, it might be "debt", so that as long as you're "in debt" you pay the bank 27.99999999% interest on all your holdings? Then again, I don't want to work that hard computing interest to play a game.

Come to think of it, I've already worked too hard thinking about this game which I'm never going to play anyway.

If you care, go vote. If you don't care, you're a well-adjusted adult who outgrew Monopoly decades ago and I don't blame you. Or you're a communist, and hate the game anyway on principle.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 9

EDog gets a new doghouse

Ministry Crony EDog has moved his digs from the picturesque but unimproved highlands of ianhealy.com to the congested and crowded suburbs of ianthealy.blogspot.com. We support him in this questionable endeavor, because that's what we do. Support people who undertake questionable endeavors, that is. We would never do anything questionable. Or at least, if we did, we'd make sure there weren't any witnesses. Or insist that we were well compensated for doing something questionable and public.

Good luck to EDog with the permalinks and archives at blogspot, and we wish him all the success in the world. Well all the success that we don't wish for ourselves, anyway.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Milblogger Conference

The Milblogger Conference was a remarkable experience, despite the exigencies of scheduling and over-indulgence which somewhat curtailed my ability to participate. I have rarely been in the presence of so many outstanding people all at once. The people I'd already met - Cat, Blackfive, ArmyWife, were their usual charming and intoxicated selves. And those I met for the first time at the pre conference drinking, the conference, or the after conference pub non-crawl without exception impressed me with their charm, enthusiasm, competence and desire to put themselves around as many alcoholic drinks as humanly possible. But I shouldn't give the impression that the whole thing was about drinking. That was just a useful and enjoyable side effect. The real work of the conference has been discussed elsewhere, but I'd especially like to single out a few of the many people I met.

Uncle Jimbo, from over at Blackfive, is exactly what you'd expect from reading his posts, only more so. An intensely fun and indeed loud individual. And seeing Matt again was every bit as nice as I imagined it would be. Stand up guys, the both of them.

Steve Schippert of ThreatsWatch.org, is a little more serious than Jimbo, but fascinating to talk to, and actually took the time to come up with a stunningly workable scheme to increase this humble website's readership. Even though I hadn't (despite the pleas of many) actually gotten around to reading Threatswatch until this morning, You can be sure that I will be a devotedly regular reader from now on.

Murdoc, of MurdocOnline, whose pages I have filled with drivel about UAVs, made the trek down from the untamed wilderness of Grand Rapids, Michigan. He totally pussed out on the Friday drinking, offering only a lame excuse – something about an eleven hour drive. And I of course had to bail early on the crawl. Hopefully, he can make it down to DC again, and if we are blessed with better weather, I will give him a real tour.

Deborah Scranton and Mike Moriarty, respectively the director and one of the cameramen/stars of the upcoming movie, The War Tapes. Next time I'm up near New Hampshire, I need to hang out with these people. Abandoning my conversation with Mike and Deborah was the most painful bit about bugging out for Easter. Go over and look at the previews.

There's some commentary trickling out, about the aftermath of the pub crawl, available here. And check out OpFor's podcast over here. I know they changed their name because the name "Officer's Club" was exclusionary, offensive and cumbersome. But the new name always reminds me of the eighth grade joke - "Hey man, there's a dikvor on your shoulder." But maybe that's just me.

A great time, and I wish I had been able to spend more time with everyone Saturday night.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 4

You mean I can't pub crawl through Easter?

The mind is a curious and terrible thing. One would think, that in the ordinary run of things, your average Joe would at some point prior to a vast scheduling conflict realize that three very big things are happening more or less at once.

But not your favorite Buckethead. For weeks, I blissfully and uncomprehendingly prepared for:

A) The first annual Milblogger Conference, hosted here in DC.
B) A weekend of watching my son while Mrs. Buckethead enters the studio with DMH to record their second album.
C) Pascha, or as you heathens call it, Easter. Which is only rarely on the same weekend as the more famous Easter.

How I managed to so completely compartmentalize my mind as to remain unaware that I was planning and organizing (at Blackfive's request) a post conference pub crawl and helping the wife assemble the traditional Orthodox Pascha basket for the midnight Easter liturgy – two events that were to occur at more or less the same time, and are almost completely contradictory in purpose – is totally beyond my poor power to comprehend. All while simultaneously willfully ignoring the side effects of the wife being in the studio.

So, my weekend looks like this:

10:00 miss work Friday drive over to the studio, drop off Mrs. Buckethead so she can warble into the microphone for ten hours.
11:00 go to Home depot to pick up a large waterproof tarp to cover the 35 Ford that my Dad left in my driveway weeks ago, because Dad isn't sure the top of the car or the car cover is sufficiently waterproof.
12:00 McD's for my little McChicken Nugget addict.
1:00 Get home, read condescending email from Dad about how irresponsible I am to not have already gotten the waterproof tarp I just got.
2:00 Inexplicably decide that rather than just clean the house and then relax, it would really make more sense to completely disassemble and then reassemble my office, Steve Austin style. Better, faster, stronger. Of course, this completely and near permanently trashes a large portion of the rest of the house.
8:00 Look up from the wartorn wreckage of the den, and realize that I am supposed to be an hour away from that room at this very moment, and I haven't showered yet.
8:02 Showered and ready, leave for studio to pick up Mrs. Buckethead and baby Jocelyn.
8:30 Having made the 40 minute drive in 28 minutes, pick up fam and head back home.
9:15 Drive into DC for the pre-conference drinkfest.
10:00 Commence drinking.
2:30 Last call.
3:00 After cadging a few final beers from admiring waitress, am the last warblogger to leave the bar.
3:30 Very carefully drive home
4:00 Collapse into bed.
7:00 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Dora the explorer.
7:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
8:00 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Dora the explorer.
8:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
9:00 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Dora the explorer.
9:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
10:00 Awoken by Mrs. Buckethead, who wonders, isn't the effing Conference starting?
10:30 Awoken by Mrs. Buckethead, who wants me to change effing diapers.
11:00 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Dora the explorer.
11:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
12:00 Awoken by Mrs. Buckethead, who gently suggests that I should effing get up.
12:30 Awoken by Mrs. Buckethead, who gently suggests that I should effing get up.
1:00 Awoken by Mrs. Buckethead, who not so gently suggests that I should effing get up.
1:20 Showered and mostly awake, I head downtown, and manage to find the conference center.
2:00 Attend the first (for me) or third (for the conference) session on blogging in theater. Fascinating, and Col. Hunt, famous military commentator is even more like Col. Hunt than you thought possible.
4:30 Princess Cat, in an act of stunning generosity, finds an XXL conference tshirt for an XXL Buckethead frame.
4:35 Finally meet Murdoc, who was too wussy to actually come drinking night before, and offered some lame excuse about driving eleven hours.
4:45 Murdoc and I, reconciled, head south to observe as much of the nation's capital as possible in the 45 minutes remaining before all the tourist crap closes. In the pouring rain.
5:15 Like Chevy Chase at the Grand Canyon in Vacation, we stand on the mall and nod at the Washington Memorial and the Capital building. We couldn't see the Lincoln Memorial, really, because of the rain.
5:30 Through increasing rain, we walk to the Metro, and decide to start the pub crawl early.
6:00 We arrive two hours early for the pub crawl, at Finn MacCool's Irish Publick House and Non-Smoking Establishment.
7:00 Murdoc is clearly feeling uncomfortable filling the awkward silences I leave in the conversation thanks to my inability to focus.
8:00 Three beers later, I am beginning to awake. I am interviewed in the rain by an attractive young lady from the conference. I do not know who she was or what she was associated with. Though it had something to do with veterans.
8:30 Milbloggers begin to arrive as the rain deepens. More beer keeps me awake.
9:00 First message from wife about estimated departure time.
10:00 Fourth message from wife about estimated departure time. I decide in the interest of self preservation to make the painful separation from the festivities, and move closer (at least geographically) to God.
10:30 Arrive at home, shower and put on suit.
10:40 Am now ready for Easter. We leave.
11:35 Arrive at Church. All the effing seats taken. Like that matters, though, if you're Orthodox. If you sit through the service they beat you up at the end for being a puss.
12:00 We make the procession around the church. An inspiring and frankly beautiful tradition that means that there is two and half hours of church left.
2:30 Church ends. Feast begins. We eat sausage, cheese, bread and other comestibles that we did not, well, actually quite get around to, not eating during the Lenten fast. Also, our friends Wine and Vodka!
4:00 Leave Church.
5:00 Collapse in the general direction of bed.
7:00 Wake Mrs. Buckethead so she can go to effing studio.
7:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
8:00 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Dora the explorer.
8:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
9:00 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Dora the explorer.
9:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
10:00 In the interest of self preservation, start cleaning up the mess I made Friday.
12:00 Order pizza just so I can get more diet coke, and wheedle the pizzaman into bringing me cigarettes.
2:30 Awoken by John, who wants to watch effing Little Einsteins.
2:45 Resume cleaning.
8:00 Almost done cleaning.
8:01 Mrs. Buckethead calls to say she won't be back for another couple hours, which means I needn't have hurried.
10:00 Mrs. Buckethead arrives.
10:30 Begin ten hours of sleep.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

The Man They Call Possum

There's more than one song in the world that can make me tear up like my favorite dog done died. It's in my bones. I was brought up on country music, and as a descendent of Welsh-Irish-German-English-French farmers-miners-clergy-unlettered rabble, I am very much genetically disposed to break into maudlin song at the drop of a hat given the opportunity and a surprisingly small quantity of strong drink.

Nobody in the world does a good weeper better than the estimable George Jones, possessor of the greatest voice in the history of country music, and arguably deserving of a mention as one of the best interpreters of song - period - in the entire twentieth century. You take Edith Piaf, Billie Holiday, Louie Armstrong, Aretha Franklin, all your operatic divas and even Ol' Blue Eyes too. Me, I'll take the mysterious man with the close-set eyes from the hardscrabble pine barrens of East Texas.

There's a good reason why. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of George Jones crooning his towering hits "A Good Year For The Roses" and "He Stopped Loving Her Today" over the staticky radio my father kept on the workbench in the garage right above the ratchet set. The first of these two was probably one of the first songs I ever heard in my life, and the second was, when I was six, one my very first favorite songs not produced by Disney. (Just to prove that I had unimpeachably excellent taste in music even at that tender age (oh, yeah), two other favorite songs from my kindergarten years were "Cloudy and Cool" by Chet Atkins and "There Ain't No Good Chain Gang" by Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard) The keening string sections and Jones' over-the-top vocals made a big impression on my young mind and had two long-term effects. Aside from leaving me with an unfortunate and abiding affection for the schlockier output of 70's-era Nashville, those garage days also made me a George Jones fan for life.

Since that time, I have gone through phase after phase, getting way into Pink Floyd, hair metal, Wax Trax industrial, punk, 'grunge', Neil Young, Zappa, Elvis, Tom Waits, Charles Mingus, and so on and so on world without end amen. And yet, time after time I return to the music of my early childhood: I always return to rockabilly, honky-tonk, and especially the music of Johnny Cash and George Jones.

What is it about George Jones that's so alluring? Honestly, seen from a distance he's almost comical. If any fan of his ever wants an unpleasant shock, I recommend playing one of Jones' more purple performance (say, "The Grand Tour" or "He Stopped Loving Her Today") back to back with one of Jim Nabors' bigger slices of schmaltz, such as "The Impossible Dream" or "You'll Never Walk Alone." Although the two men approach a song differently, there are similarities: each is gifted with an absurdly resonant voice that they use to maximum effect, and they share a knack for working the hell out of a song. But most importantly, the two have done their very best work when trying their damndest to get into self-parody's pants.

In a deeply perceptive essay collected in his book Grown Up All Wrong, the venerable Robert Christgau (longtime music critic for New York's Village Voice) captures what, aside from his voice, makes George Jones so compelling. Although his technical prowess and the unique timbre of his voice (seeming to emanate not from the head or chest, but from a constant sorrow choking his throat into a sob) would be enough, that's not all there is. It's the strange feeling that there's something off about the incredibly harrowing performances he turns out at the drop of a hat.

Christgau notes, as many have noted before, that Jones is a famously shallow character. Those close-set eyes don't seem to hide stunning depths of emotion that he can call on to fuel his histrionic ballads; instead, Jones' most intense performances always seem to be just that, astounding performances, feats of technique and talent that can be turned on and off like a spigot. Put a song in front of him, and no matter whether it's a goofy jingle or a musical setting of a Donald Hall poem, he'll turn out a performance that sounds like it comes straight from the heart.

In short, the man seems to lack introspection. While it's tempting to hunt in his famously dissipated biography (for example, his tumultuous marriage to Tammy Wynette, or the time he was kidnapped by some business associates and put in a room with a pile of cocaine until he was high enough to agree to their wishes) for clues to the wrenching pain he can communicate in song, those clues seem to be false leads. Instead, we just need to take George Jones at face value: if the song makes you sad, why bother asking whether that comes from the singer or from you?

What the appeal of George Jones all comes down to, at the end of the day, is those immodestly emotive performances delivered in that voice, that astonishing voice, deep and full and rich and sounding as though every syllable is wrenched from the throat of a man caught between desperate prayers and miserable sorrow.

George Jones started his singing career in the saloons and honky tonks of East Texas as a teenager, and after a stint in the Marines (partly to escape the aftermath of his first doomed marriage), he signed with the local Beaumont, Texas label Starday.

At first, there was little hint of the full depth of Jones' talent. His first few recorded sides were masterful impressions of other singers - Lefty Frizzell, Hank Williams, and Roy Acuff among them - but nothing that sounded like George Jones. Still, between 1954 and 1960, Jones started to build a pretty good career as a hardcore honky-tonker, turning out worthy slices of rockabilly that contained few hints of the full measure of his talent.

But around 1961, Jones turned a corner. Under the guidance of producer "Pappy" Daily (also his former label head and producer at Starday), Jones released three crucial singles - "The Window Up Above," "Tender Years," and "She Thinks I Still Care." In them, he made two great breakthroughs. The first was musical. By slowing the music down from a gallop, and making some more pop-oriented choices in the instrumentation, Daily gave Jones' voice more room to play with the melody. The results were his first fully realized vocal performances, and although his voice hadn't yet deepened into what it would become, there were finally glimmers of his fabled tone.

The second innovation was the material. Jones has always thrived on love songs, especially the hard parts of live, but these songs were more plaintive and descriptive than some of his other singles had been. "The Window Up Above" was about a man watching his woman cut his heart out with another man, "Tender Years" was a noble if surely vain pledge to wait for a woman who was still sowing her oats, and "She Thinks I Still Care" was a masterful song full of (naturally) empty denials that he still carried a torch for the woman who'd left him.

It's at the end of "She Thinks I Still Care" that the first big moment happens, at least to my ears. After a string of protestations, "just because I asked a friend about her," "just because I saw her out somewhere," Jones delivers the last line of the song like he had never sung anything previously: "just because I saw her and went to pieces, she thinks I still care." On the word "pieces," his voice breaks, falls down an arpeggio, and melts into nothing, all without sounding forced, silly, or out of place. Like the sun breaking through the clouds, it's the first time we really hear Jones learning what he does best.

After this point, Jones began a two-decade run of wild success, racking up dozens of top-ten hits, touring widely, and continuing to refine his style. He released some very successful duets with Melba Montgomery (including the rough but ready "We Must Have Been Out Of Our Minds"), and cut album after album after album for Musicor Records. The Musicor years saw a number of hits, including "A Good Year For The Roses" and "Walk Through This World With Me," two of his very best ballads, and a boatload of the novelty songs that have been Jones' stock in trade. The best of these, like "The Race Is On" and the fantastic moonshinin' song "White Lightning," rank among his best stuff; the others tend to be completely forgettable.

But at the same time, Jones was beginning a long, slow death-spiral into drink and drugs that soon began to overtake his career. Many of the albums he cut in this period were second-rate affairs, compiled from sessions tossed of with whatever material was at hand when he sobered up enough to realize he was low on money or when his management decided to flood the market further.

By the late 1960s, this had taken its toll. Jones had earned a reputation for missing live dates (and the nickname "No-Show Jones") and decided to make a change of venue by moving to Nashville. There he formed two of the most important relationships he'd ever make: he met his third wife, country singer Tammy Wynette, and his long-time producer, amanuensis, and creative better half, Billy Sherrill.

With Wynette, Jones began to record a number of very successful duets that also seemed to parallel the arc of their relationship, such as "Take Me" and "The Ceremony." Unfortunately, after a few years of whiskey, cocaine, and hijinks with handguns and car wrecks, Jones and Wynette were singing "We Loved It Away," and Wynette was writing for George a solo hit called "These Days I Barely Get By." As the drugs took deeper hold of him, Jones entered a two-decade career twilight, punctuated by moments of genius and moments of utter ruin.

The greatest of the strokes of genius was 1980's LP, I Am What I Am. Billy Sherrill was an in-demand Nashville producer, key inventor of the "countrypolitan" sound and devotee of Phil Spector's Wall of Sound. Consequently, he sought to stuff every crevice of every track he produced with a panoply of strings, steel guitars, keyboards, choirs, and drums saturated with acres of reverb and echo. Although had Jones initially balked at Sherrill's sound and his autocratic way of running sessions, by 1980 their working relationship had become deep and strong.

It was Jones' trust of Sherrill that led him to cut for I Am What I Am a song he wasn't too sure about, an absurdly maudlin, mawkish, pathetic, bathetic, over-the-top ballad called "He Stopped Loving Her Today." It was the story of a man who pledged eternal love to a woman who refused to love him back, until he finally died of his broken heart. On paper, it seemed to be much the same as dozens of other songs Jones had cut over the last quarter-century, only twice as sentimental. And yet somehow, over months of drunken missed takes and coked-out false starts, "He Stopped Loving Her Today" emerged as the probably the greatest performance of Jones' career, and one of the finest vocal performances ever committed to tape.

(An aside. What is it about geniuses with drug problems? The mental image of George Jones peeling himself off a sticky studio couch with a crushing hangover and stepping up to the microphone to unfurl a searing and perfect vocal take reminds me of the legendary session that bassist James Jamerson played for Marvin Gaye's What's Goin' On. Jamerson reputedly came up with the perfect and eternal bass line of the title song in one heroic take from the floor of the studio, lying flat on his back because he was too high to get up. What is it about geniuses with drug problems?)

Since the high water mark of his "He Stopped Loving Her Today," his last #1 single, Jones has aged into a gray eminence of country music, releasing decent-to-good albums that sell okay and are mostly totally ignored by the country establishment. His voice has somehow only deepened and become richer with age, even as Jones gets well into his seventies. He has also become one of the great touchstones of country music, a wellspring from which scores of younger musicians have drawn inspiration. And yet, Nashville treats him like a leper. In one telling incident from 1999, the Country Music Association refused to let Jones sing all the verses of his latest hit, the CMA-nominated "Choices," at the Country Music Awards, citing time constraints. Jones chose to boycott the show instead, and in a surprise move, singer Alan Jackson sang a verse or two of "Choices" at the end of his own CMA performance, in a show of solidarity with one of his idols.

In the same year, No-Show Jones almost lived up to the promise of his other nickname, The Possum. Newly sober yet somehow hammered on vodka, Jones wrapped his car around a Tennessee underpass and very nearly died. Although he had been through countless close shaves and near-death experiences in his career, this one seemed to bring it home to him that it was finally time to straighten up and fly right. With each passing year, it seems more and more likely that The Possum will die peacefully in his sleep rather than as a pink smear decorating a quarter mile of lonesome highway.

Any serious fan of American music really needs to have some George Jones in his collection. But knowing just what to buy can be rough. Jones has recorded dozens of LPs in his half-century career, and the majority are wildly uneven affairs that aren't really for novices. On the other hand, the greatest hits collections also tend to have drawbacks: they are poorly selected and cheaply licensed, confined to one era or one label's output, or too broad and expensive for beginners.

The new Epic/Sony Legacy collection The Essential George Jones nearly overcomes all these pitfalls. Like the rest of Sony's Essentials series (chronicling artists like Johnny Cash, Michael Jackson, Herbie Hancock, and Dolly Parton), it does a pretty good job of introducing novices to the high points of Jones' career. But at the same time, there are some glaring omissions that keep it from being the one-stop bargain it wants to be.

For this to be the perfect Jones best-of, there are some requirements that must be met. One of them is fidelity. The people who put together The Essential George Jones had the good sense and grace to kick things off with early songs that weren't big hits, like the non-charting half-berserk rockabilly of "No Money In This Deal," and the Hank Williams clone, "Why Baby Why." Although these songs didn't get a lot of national play, they are crucial to a fair treatment of Jones' career.

But if you've only got two discs to work with, a fair view of Jones career means a nearly unbroken string of slow weepers and mid-tempo duets about love gone bad, going bad, or doomed to go bad someday soon. And indeed, of Essential's forty tracks, about thirty are of this ilk, and it's worth it. On slow songs, Jones' rich tone and unique way of pronouncing lyrics so that the vowels come out rounded and full are presented to their best advantage, and even though the entire second disc is twenty slow ballads right in a row, Jones' superhuman talents make sure that every song stands on its own as a fully realized little story.

However, there are a couple areas where Essential falls down. Most importantly, it appears that the compilers weren't able to secure the rights to any of Jones' sides recorded for the Musicor label. Although that era of his career, covering about 1965-1971, was one of his most uneven, it's also an era that contains several stone classics. Any truly essential collection absolutely must include "A Good Year For The Roses" and "Walk Through This World With Me," to name my two favorites But since these songs aren't here - and believe me, I'm not just picking nits - this collection isn't the only George Jones you'll ever need.

The collection also includes only three songs from the nearly twenty albums Jones has recorded since 1986. In fairness, I understand the need to bias a collection of this kind toward the hits (and indeed, the collection is thick with number-one hits), but in my opinion three songs over twenty years is hardly a fair representation of Jones' often respectable output in that time.

The Essential George Jones is pretty good, and almost even good enough. But since it skips right over his Musicor years (not to mention most of the last twenty years), it falls a little short in being the only Possum you'll ever need.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 5

Actual Facts

Will Rogers was well known for never having met a man he didn't like, except "that smug bastard Jimmy Stewart."

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

There ain't no such rising fastball

It turns out that the old chestnut about keeping your eye on the ball is not the best advice. And standing under a pop fly is not the optimal solution for catching it. Some eggheads have analysed the matter, and discovered that it is frankly impossible to keep your eye on the ball - when it gets to within a couple yards of the plate, the baseball's angular motion is to fast for anyone's eye - even those of a major league hitter - to track. What really happens is that they follow the ball until that point, and then jump to the place where they expect the ball to cross the plate.

And in that short distance, magic happens. A well thrown curve ball can drop as much as a foot in that short distance, which is why even major league hitters miss most of the time. And the reason people think that there is such a thing as a rising fast ball is that if you think you're facing an 80 mile fastball, you will expect the ball to drop as it nears the plate. If it is in fact a ninety mile fastball, its velocity will ensure that it doesn't drop nearly so much, creating the illusion of rising over the plate.

A fascinating article, and well worth a read.

[wik] The Maximum Leader is quick to note that there is a whole book of eggheads poking at baseball, called, "The Physics of Baseball (3rd Edition)". I haven't read it, but the Ol' Maximum Leader is a sharp guy, so go buy the book, already.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Quote of the day, so far

Via an opinion piece in today's WSJ, Peggy Noonan gives us this:

The president has taken, those around him say, great comfort in biographies of previous presidents. All presidents do this. They all take comfort in the fact that former presidents now seen as great were, in their time, derided, misunderstood, underestimated. No one took the measure of their greatness until later. This is all very moving, but: Message to all biography-reading presidents, past present and future: Just because they call you a jackass doesn't mean you're Lincoln.

I couldn't help but share.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

Actual Facts

In 1953, Virginia governor John S. Battle unsuccessfully attempted to change the state's motto from "sic semper tyrannis" to "ol' Ginny gonna git ya."

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

But Can I Still Read Comic Books?

Via Fark I find this list of things a man should never do past the age of 30.

Some are perfectly sound:

Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"

Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

Skip.

Take a camera to a nude beach.

Let his father do his taxes.

Tap on the glass.

Use the word collated on his resume.

But others make no sense to me. For example, why not

Hold his lighter up at a concert.

Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"

Name pets after Middle Earth characters.

Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"

Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.

Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."

Purchase fireworks.

Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.

Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.

Request extra sprinkles.

Air drum.

Choose 69 as his jersey number.

Eat Oreo cookies in stages.

The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.

Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."

Own a vanity plate.

Well... I have many, many, many very good reasons not to refer to my significant other's, erm, chestal region, as "the twins," and I would never do so, but as a theoretical notion divorced from any reference to actual chestal appurtanances belonging to any person either real or fictional, the joke still makes me, um... titter. As for a vanity plate, I think that Buckethead, who is even further from 30 than I am, would argue that a well chosen vanity plate can really hit the spot. Also, I have air drummed, purchased homebrewing paraphenelia, made 69 jokes, disco danced, and done the "two points" and "shotgun" routines all within the last month. And what's wrong with that, really?

What kind of a world are we living in if a grown man can't write the name "Heywood Jablome" on a petition, or make the same old funny-every-time joke whenever someone says they live in "Bangor"? Isn't this America? And isn't our crass brashness as much a part of our heritage as is the British stiff upper lip, German punctiliousness, French superiority, or the way Canadians think they're being funny all the time?

I tell you what... every time you don't slap a "kick me" sign on your buddy, belch the alphabet, bump chests after a touchdown, urinate on someone's hedges, wear a backwards baseball cap in the Sistine Chapel, or loudly proclaim "yeah, I'd hit that" when looking at the Venus de Milo, you're hurting America. Why do you hate our freedom?

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 11

On the disadvantages of living far from the urban core

Last night was almost perfect. I met up with a couple good friends at a legendary Boston watering hole, enjoyed a couple micro-micro-brews and a bloody piece of meat, and then took in a game at the lyric little bandbox down the street. I sat in the bleachers with the Fenway Faithful, ate a Fenway Frank and drank a macro-brew from a plastic cup, and watched Manny Ramirez be Manny, playing around in the outfield and smacking huge doubles. I watched beefy Kevin Youkilis prove why he's worthy of the majors. I watched Matt Clement pitch a not-bad game into the sixth. I waited in vain for the big foam finger guy to come around so I could buy myself a big foam finger. In short, I relaxed and had an all-around ball.

When I left at the seventh inning stretch to catch the train home (I live far enough away that to stay the whole game would've meant getting home at midnight, and my old ass just can't cut that), the score was 1-1. Half an hour later, the score was 7-4 Red Sox.

I shoulda stayed the whole game.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Actual Facts

On average, the production of each fourteen square feet of tinfoil requires the destruction of the habitat of one unfortunate spider monkey.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Why Motorhead Rocks Your Hole, Reason #82

Because of this totally badass logo:

image

I don't know what it is, but it's totally sick. It's like a malevolent boar or something. Plus it has "England", which kicks ass. You know it rocks your hole.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 5

I know it's asking a lot...

(Apropos all the sanctimonious sites that tell me I'm using a crappy browser and should "upgrade" to Firefox)

Any chance they'll now shut their damned cake-holes?

Oh well, even if they don't, Firefox clearly isn't "all that" - as a substitute for whatever else one might use, it's uninspiring, just as uninspiring as considering a switch in the other direction, e.g. to Internet Exploder. At least IE doesn't stake some claim to moral superiority, other than, well, by just working a bit better.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 9

I don't think your protest means what you think it means

Princess Cat, over at A Swift Kick and a Bandaid, has an open letter for the immigrant protesters that infested our nation's capital the other day.

You see, I noticed you and your clan... and now I hate you ... because it took me an hour and a half to get home today. I watched as train after train, car after car of smug, arrogant, antagonistic protestors waved and taunted those waiting on the platform. You purposely targeted and inconvenienced me during my evening commute, because you thought it would make me contact my Congressman or Senator on your behalf? Isn't there some story about flies and honey that you should be learning right about now?

And while you're at it, go ask Apu why la migra isn't trying to nail his ass to the wall and maybe then you'll learn why he didn't have to protest for his rights.

Sincerely,

The Bitch from the Metro

We had a chat about this yesterday, and I find myself largely in agreement. My commute was made double-plus unpleasant by an El Salvadoran in a floppy hat who had failed to execute an adequate personal hygiene regimen any time in the last week. The protestors on their way home were largely as Cat describes them.

A coworker of mine, a liberal, found to his surprise that he and I agreed completely on the issue. We established that we both believe that anyone who protests on this issue is a complete fathead, or worse. The worst sin here is the conflation of two issues: immigration and illegal immigration.

I am all for immigration, of the legal, above board and it least somewhat competantly monitored sort. I think we should reduce limitations on skilled workers from nearly anywhere. We should streamline the process for getting visas - to make it simpler, and with less bureaucratic hassle. We should implement something like the sojourner idea that Bennett had, to make it much, much easier for people from Canada, New Zealand, Australia, Ireland and Great Britain to come, work, and stay here.

That is one issue. A completely separate issue is the people breaking and entering our national bungalo. The first thing they do when they come here is flout our laws and, in essence, give us the finger. Illegal immigrants do not have the same rights as citizens, or legal aliens. If found, they should be deported. Their employers should be heavily fined. We should stiffen the defenses on the border. Put more agents out patrolling.

Any other reaction is simply ridiculous. Illegal is illegal. Anyone who uses the phrase "undocumented worker" is blowing smoke up our collective ass. Anyone who tries to color everyone who opposes illegal immigration as a bigot is a fucktard. I'm tired of people in the administration and congress not dealing with this problem in anything even approaching a reasonable manner.

Bleh.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 17

The Wheels of History Grind Slow, and Not So Well

In a fascinating series of posts about a spur-of-the-moment road trip - "Hey dude... we're in Turkey... let's drive to Iraq" - Michael Totten says what needs to be said about all the trouble in the world today. Arguing that Islamism only seems like the biggest problem in the Middle East, when it's really only that Islamism is its biggest export (which I guess is kind of like summing up the Japanese by pointing to a Camry), he says with great insight that the real problem is that:

The crackup of the Ottoman Empire has still not settled down into anything stable.

Maybe it's just because I am currently reading an excellent book about the crackup of another ancient civilization - Europe - in Tony Judt's magesterial Postwar but that strikes me as being right on the nose. That area of the world is currently going through its own Twentieth Century, made worse by the fact that it's also living with the cast-off aftermath of Europe's own Twentieth. The near-simultaneous collapse of Austro-Hungary, Russia, Prussia/Germany, not to mention the last of the Mongol monarchs (in Azerbaijan and, I believe, Armenia) and a bunch of other upheavals (Italy, Spain...) gave us two horrific wars, Fascism, Communism in all its multifarious splendors, numerous genocides, and a resulting body count in the high tens of millions, if not higher. Not to mention the disastrous aftermath of messy colonial withdrawals around the world as Europe bled itself white. All because of some some silly little empires.

Anyway. No point to that. Why should there be? This is a weblog! Read Michael Totten's road trip series - here's part one, which links at the end to part two.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 6

You're joking

Italian police arrest the grand poobah of the international La Cosa Nostra in Sicily. In Corleone. I mean, didn't the guy watch the Godfather?

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

Holy Shit! Man Lands on Fucking Venus!

Well, not really. But the European Space Agency's Venus Express probe appears to have made orbit around our toasty sister planet, and will begin its two-day mission to, well, probe, the secrets hidden behind the ever present clouds. In case you're wondering why the mission is so short, that's Venusian days, which are about five hundred times longer than our pathetic Earth days.

Pretty cool, as this is the first mission to Venus for the Europeans, and the first mission at all in over a decade.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

A Dragon named Dragon

My son told me a story this morning. I took a break from disinfecting my computer and acted as scribe for young Hemingway:

Once upon a time, a sleeping dragon in a cave dreamt of scaring people. When he woke, the dragon (whose name was Dragon) slithered to John's house. There, he asked if John could come out and play. So John and Dragon went into the backyard and played in the sandbox.

The End

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Old home week

My mom, bless her heart, sent me the following via the internets. No doubt you've seen things like this before. Maybe even this one. Your relatives back home probably sent you one. But fear of repetition has never held back the Ministry. Never. If we give into fear, then the terrorists will have won. And you don't want that, do you? Do you?

So here it is. The top arbitrary number of reasons you will know you are from Cleveland (with commentary, thusly):

  • You don't really know any homosexuals; you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood. Hence the nickname, "Flakewood." But they don't hate gays, they just envy them their formidible interior decorating powers. Which you would understand if you saw the interior of any house in Parma over by Rt. 42.
  • You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does. Every newscaster in the country sounds like they grew up in Cleveland. It's true.
  • You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the music station of the year. I didn't like country music until I moved to the East Coast. Still hate WGAR, though.
  • You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away. Why not? The best amusement park in the world is closer to Cleveland than anywhere else, except Toledo. And Toledo doesn't count.
  • You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world. It is.
  • The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you. I think Cuyahoga Community College had some sort of perverse kickback scheme set up with all the guidance counselors in the region. No matter whether you were a valedictorian with a 1600 SAT or some poor schlub who couldn't pass woodshop, the advice was the same: Tri-C.

  • You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath. I never held my breath.
  • You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry, but don't really understand it. Much like the Blue and Green factions in medieval Byzantium, there doesn't need to be a reason for violent rivalry.
  • Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies. Fuckers
  • You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga. I imagine that back in '68 when the river caught on fire, national news announcers dreaded the Cleveland reports.
  • You can tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, and Old Brooklyn apart. Actually, they all look alike to me.
  • You see Christmas lights still up in July. Why save all the fun for winter?
  • You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is. It's a kind of grain.
  • You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower. Even though I have never in my life wanted a patio enclosure, I know exactly how to get one.
  • You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City. It's like the Abyss done by Busby Berkeley.
  • You have never ridden in a taxi. At least, never in Cleveland.
  • You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can. If it ever got below 30 in DC, I'd do this when it warmed up again.
  • You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Lindale. My personal law enforcement nemesis was Montrose Township, also on I-71, but a bit south. Five tickets.
  • You hate Baltimore and you have never been there. I've been there, and it's a nice town. But I still hate it.
  • St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish. Not really confined to Cleveland, at all.
  • You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl. Really took all the fun out of that year, and cast a pall over graduation and going to college.
  • You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns came back? Yep.
  • You know Tower City isn't a city at all. Yep.
  • You're Polish. Yep. Well, in spirit.
  • Stories of Little Italy still send chills down your spine. Stories of Hough are worse, though.
  • At least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel. Even though I have not lived in Cleveland for six years, and my son has never lived there, half of his wardrobe is Tribe apparel thanks to his grandma.
  • You measure distance in minutes. Still do, but only because in DC, actual physical distance is not even remotely relevant to how long it takes to get somewhere.
  • You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. Yep. Once I saw the Savings and Loan time/temperature sign drop forty degrees in half an hour.
  • You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" Yep. I also say things like, "needs washed."
  • You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both un-locked. Yep. I really ought to change that behavior now that I live in DC, and have a stalker.
  • You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. Yep.
  • You carry jumper cables in your car. Yep. Doesn't everyone?
  • You know what 'pop' is. My mom confused the hell out of my son by saying "pop" - the boy had no idea what she was talking about. All he knows is "soda." Then she accused me of raising my son improperly.
  • You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. In Cleveland, you have to.
  • Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. True.
  • You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown. No comment.
  • The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. Which is saner, when you think about it.
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Your #1 Source for Quality Dancing Hamster Products

I have spent most of my life among the Yankee nekulturny. I know my way around a trailer park. I've made art...of a sort...out of carefully peeled beer bottle labels. I am as defensive about being uncultured as I am ashamed of it.

And yet, I can't imagine there are enough tacky people in all of America to buy enough of these to show a profit.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 4

On Immigration, and gubernatorial pontification thereon

With a hearty "Amen" to Minister GeekLethal's post below, a quick follow up.

In an op-ed from today's WSJ, I saw a line from the Governator that went like this:

How ironic it is to hear some of the same voices who complain about the outsourcing of jobs also complain about the use of immigrant workers here in America.

Realizing that the proper answer to the question I'm about to ask is, "Well, both", I'll ask it anyway.

Is it just me being thick-headed, or does that line not necessarily mean what Ahnuld hoped it would? If by ironic, he meant "totally predictable", then I think I understand. Otherwise, not so much.

Hep me out here.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 1

On Immigration, and the Marches Thereon

Still not entirely clear what it is that the roughly gazillion people taking to the streets in our major cities are taking to the streets about. From what I've read so far about all this protest and march and waving of national symbols, the word "illegal" has not yet appeared.

I've read alot about "immigrants' rights", but I'm not sure what that means. I'm willing to bet that if I asked 10 random people what the term "immigrants' rights" means, I'd hear 10 different answers. Or more.

I have a couple of major bighuge problems with illegal immigration, but that's a specific problem: illegal immigration. There are solutions that might fix it. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with "immigrants' rights", but it does have to do with solving a stated, specific problem. I don't believe though that has anything to do with the current demonstrations. Besides, I feel that any event that includes the ANSWER people entering the lists on your side pretty much shuts down the possibility that I'll take you seriously.

If at its core we equate "rights" with "fairness", and by that we mean that illegal immigrants are treated like citizens, it also means that citizens be treated like illegals. Now that might have some merit. Free health care, for starters; if I don't pay medical bills now, I get a lien on my house. Working tax free might be nice, too; I am willing to wager that an illegal working under the table somewhere has a helluva lot more disposable income that myself, who as of this writing, has precisely $54 to my name and by the way it has to last until Friday.

But look, don't get hung up on that rant- I'm more concerned about the future. As best I understand it, the last amnesty ca 1986 gave legal work documents to something like 3-7 million illegals. THAT was supposed to fix the problem, because after that one-time event, we'd get serious about enforcing our immigration policies and border security. So 20 years later we have something like 3-4 times as many, and face the same problem, with the same language being used to offer a fix. And I believe that what will ultimately come down is amnesty by another name. I think it's a slam dunk.

OK, fine. Everyone who came by legal means, ridiculous expense, and interminable paper drill was a sucker. Lady Lethal and I and a whole lot of others will have to live with that.

But what happens in 2026?

I wonder whether it might just be easier, for everybody, to just dispense with the American border altogether. Anyone who wants to live here can just arrive, by whatever means it takes; no pesky checks to see whether the person's a felon in his home country, or infected with a communicable disease; and work. Or not. The legions of bureaucrats who run immigration could be fired and thereby save a ton of dough, which would definitely be a net plus. And it's not like America's market for unskilled- or nominally skilled- labor is going to dry up.

So open it up, dispense with the red tape and the lines on the map, and come what may. I think the cultural, language, and class problems that would be created or intensified by the sudden influx of a billion or so new citizens might not be nearly as bad to contend with as the mush-mouthed verbiage that political leaders and demonstration organizers try to make me believe these days.

Posted by GeekLethal GeekLethal on   |   § 1

Carnival of the Recipes #86

Ziggurat now for great justice! The new Carnival of the Recipes is now up at a very fascinating website, The Ziggurat of Doom. They are a like collective of evil-doers and evil-averters, apparently working along a similar eschatological path as your very own Ministry of Minor Perfidy. They would do well to pay a friendly visit to the Catastratorium for dinner and vetting; this plane of existence is hopefully, but not assuredly, big enough for the both of us.

Otherwise, we will be forced to set up them the bomb.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Always start counting with zero

Last Friday, the Buckethead clan welcomed its newest member, Jocelyn. After a mercifully short labor, Jocelyn Anne regarded the world with suspicion, and immediately commenced to crying. Resigning herself to her fate, she abandoned that approach and began eating. In stark contrast to my son John who slept through the entirety of his first five days on Earth, Jocelyn has been occasionally awake, and feeding most of that time - so much so that she has already gained several ounces of weight. This may not seem like much, and in fact it isn't. I could do the same in a matter of minutes with the aid of moderately large pizza. But when you gain a twelfth of your body weight in a week, that's a rather impressive enbiggenment. The equivalent for me would be on the order of twenty pounds.

On the way to the birthing center, my mom made a critical error. She told my son that that day was Jocelyn's birthday. In an amazing and utterly typical display of cunning, self interest and the appearance of empathy, John made insisted that we should have a birthday party for his baby sister. I don't believe that he knew for certain that Jocelyn wouldn't be able to eat a birthday cake. But I'm sure he was confident in his abilities to horn in on any cake that might happen to arrive at the house. The other thing that his febrile three year old mind associates with birthday parties is presents. He knows that when, in the past, he has had a birthday party, people give him things. He assumes that when other people have birthday parties, they will give him things.

For a number of reasons, I assented to his cunning birthday party scheme. One, my wife likes chocolate. A lot. Two, giving John a matchbox car would distract him at least momentarily from his sister. And three, I could do this:

Happy 0th birthday, Jocelyn! And God bless the CVS for having that candle.

Over the next week, John has actually been really good with his baby sister. He says he loves her, he gives her kisses, and it's all very sweet. We only have to be careful that he doesn't try to feed her things, or crash toy airplanes into her head the way he does with me. Mrs. Buckethead and I are rather tired, as you could expect. She's tired because of Jocelyn, and I'm tired because all of a sudden John is waking up at O dark thirty every morning and wanting a Banana so he can watch Dora the Explorer. Hopefully, this will end soon.

And before I forget, here is a picture of the little girl:

You can click on both pictures for a bigger version.

I eagerly await the mittens that Johno informed me he was going to send us. When I get them, I will post more pictures. Until then, you'll just have to wonder.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

The Race Is On and It Looks Like F*ckwits, and The Winner Loses All

So NBC really doesn't get most of this country, a revelation which should not surprise anyone overmuch. In an attempt to engineer controversy for a Dateline segment on anti-Muslim sentiment (which seems to be conflated with anti-Arab sentiment a lot of the time in both press and popular perception) in the US, they Sent a cadre of Sikhs to Martinsville Speedway on race day, looking for them to get hassled.

Leaving aside the fact that Sikhs are neither Muslim nor Arabs, the gentlemen did not, in fact, get hassled. Perhaps if NBC had gotten a bunch of guys from Central Casting in turbans and tunics to fake a gas tank explosion on a GM pickup with an effigy of Richard Petty in the back while ululating and burning an American flag they'd have gotten what they were after. I mean, no sense in holding back if you're trying to bring out the worst in people, right???

All kidding aside, this really goes to show you how little NBC's producers understand about the sport of kings (a sport they have lucratively televised for several years) and the people that love it. All you needed to do to get those dudes hassled at a race was to put them in hand-lettered t-shirts reading"#3 was a pussy." Turbans and dusky skin don't matter so much, but don't you dare question the manliness of The Intimidator.

Hat tip to loyal reader #0016, EDog.

[wik] A big shout out to the Possum for the post title.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 4

Why We Write III

Part three of the Ministry's collaborative fiction-writing project is after the break. Previous installments: part 2, part 1.
On this particular day, Alexei disrupted his longstanding lunchtime routine of munching a sandwich with his nose buried in a paperback in order to go to the bank. As menial as his staple-removing job was, he had still managed for the first time in his life to accumulate a little extra money and thought it might be a good time to try to drop that into a savings account. Moreover, whether it was the diesel, allergies, or a cold coming on, Alexei had been growing quite a headache behind his eyes. It was bad enough that he had swallowed a few painkillers and still had to stop sharking staples every so often to shake away stars that crept into the corners of his vision. Maybe some fresh air and a walk would do him good.

The streets around the office building were not too different from the streets around his apartment save for a greater density of brutal concrete architecture. The squat blocky skyscrapers hogged any warmth the sunlight could provide, and created plenty of dim nooks where chilly breezes stirred drifts of plastic bags and discarded paper. This part of downtown was usually quiet, with very few businesses of the type that needed foot traffic, so Alexei's walk to the nearest branch of Imperial Trust was lonely except for the odd clutch of office girls or homeless people shivering into coats in the weak spring sun.

As he walked, each step thudded behind his eyes and made the world judder like a video feed from a badly-held camera. Things kept happening at the corners of his eyes: shadows resolved themselves into shapes that moved toward him with purpose; green darts leapt around storefront windows; an office girl separated herself from her gaggle to sprout a pair of gigantic white wings and leap into the sky. When he turned his head, Alexei saw a Dumpster, a green pennant flapping on the breeze, a girl in a dirty white raincoat.

Alexei stepped into the warmth of the bank and stopped a moment to massage his head. An attractive woman behind a desk to the left was watching him. As he caught her gaze she said brightly, "Are you here to see someone, sir? In particular?"

"I want to, I..." said Alexei as a wave of pain crashed over him. "...savings account," he managed to finish.

"Very good sir, won't-you-have-a-seat-I-won't-be-a-minute," said the woman as she stood and began to walk toward a door in the far wall.

Alexei slumped gratefully into the chair. "Sarah Moloney," he said to himself absently as his eyes skipped around her nearly bare desk, found her nameplate, and settled on the people at the next station. A man in an ugly necktie was helping a tired-looking middle aged couple with a loan application. As Alexei watched, the man's necktie danced and dangled around the rim of a large coffee mug. As he leaned forward to gesticulate with his pen toward a paragraph at the end of the document, it slipped in.

Alexei leaned forward a bit to say something, and sat back nonplussed as the man's necktie began to bulge and pulsate rhythmically.

"Good afternoon Mr..." said Sarah Moloney, as she sat down again.

"Hi. I need to..." was as far as Alexei got before another pain-wave broke. "I'm sorry... I'm having the worst day. I have a terrible headache and I might be going, uh, a little crazy. I swear I just saw that guy's necktie..."

"I'm sorry to hear that, sir,' said Sarah Moloney, then leaned in to stage-whisper, "Carl does wear the worst clothes, doesn't he?" Her face as it came closer seemed pale, her smile a little frozen. She leaned back and picked up a glossy brochure from her desk. "Savings account was it, sir?" Sarah Moloney's knuckles were white on the brochure, and the tip of a turquoise pump visible under her desk quivered.

"That's right, but... I think I'd better go. I'm seeing things. I've got this terrible headache. My eyes are killing me."

"Well then, sir, you'd better try mine," Sarah Moloney chirped as her thumbs went to her face and began to press. A tiny whimper escaped her throat and her smile slipped the slightest bit as her thumbs disappeared and her eyes popped loose from their sockets.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Guarding our freedom, one donut at a time

I've always thought the biggest mistake I ever made was being born in Ravenna, Ohio.

This prank's exactly the kind of thing my smart-and-bored younger sister used to get up to in Ravenna, Ohio no less, when she was in high school. Except that fifteen years ago, the cops were merely overzealous because they were raging pricks, not because they were raging pricks ennobled by their li'l anti-terror crusade. As if, of course, the terrorists who so famously hate our freedom can't pick strategically significant targets, letting their hatred of town squares, hardware stores, pickup trucks, Dairy Queens, and underutilized faux-historic downtowns recently renovated at significant cost overruns on the backs of taxpayers overwhelm whatever other beefs they might have with said freedom &c &c.

In the town of Ravenna, Ohio, five teenage girls, ages 16 and 17, crafted some life-sized power-up boxes modeled after those in the NES classic [video game Super Mario Brothers]. The cardboard boxes were covered in shiny, gold wrapping paper and had the black question marks familiar to most gamers. As an April Fools joke, the girls laid 17 of these boxes around the town in public spaces Friday morning.

The humor was lost on some residents, however. After noticing one package on the steps of a church, a concerned citizen reported the "suspicious package" to local authorities, who called in the county's hazardous materials unit and the bomb squad.

. . . . .

Ravenna Police Chief Randall McCoy told the online edition of the Record-Courier that one girl came into the police department with one of her parents and claimed responsibility, saying it was just a joke.

Apparently, the girls got the idea from the Web site Qwantz.com, which gives detailed instructions on how to make the boxes. The Web site intended the posting to inspire art projects, and several subversive artists have submitted photos of their Mario blocks in action across the country.

. . . . .

The girls face possible criminal charges for their actions. While most in the online community think the authority's actions are a tad extreme, McCoy defends the proceedings of his department.

"The potential is always present when dealing with a suspicious package that it could be deadly," McCoy told the Record-Courier. "In today's day and age, you just cannot do this kind of stuff."

Actually, the real lesson is never admit shit to the Portage County cops even when it seems like the right thing to do. I'm glad the girls are learning now the value of subterfuge and the horrible price you pay for creativity, honesty, and coloring outside the lines.

Here are alternate links to stories in the Akron Reekin-Urinal and to the Portage County Record-Courier, whose site is currently slashdotted. From the Urinal:

Boxes were found at the Immaculate Conception Church on West Main Street, the Portage County Courthouse, Deluxe Pastries, the corner of Cherry Way and Main Street, Reed Memorial Library, Ravenna High School and a residence at Sanford and Main streets.

Clearly, the terrorists know what we value most as a society. Deluxe Pastry make the best cream sticks, which other parts of the country may know as Bismarcks.

The Record-Courier, by the way, had their finest hour the week of May 4, 1970, with a series of triumphalist feature stories about the "dirty piggies" (in the words of several contributors to the letters and even op-ed pages) who got what was coming to them at Kent State. The May 5 headlines ran something like, "STUDENTS RUN RIOT...BURN PROPERTY....." and over to the side "(four people killed)."

But I digress. It's always a little touching when the long arm of Roscoe P. Coltrane reaches out and touches something it plumb don't understand. Omigod, Skeeter!! The terrorists are bombing Deluxe Pastry! They hate our freedom and our maple-frosted cream sticks!

Feh.

[wik] It's stories like this that throw cold water all over my occasional urge to quit Massachusetts for Ohio, to take advantage of lower costs of living.

[alsø wik] Is it wrong of me that I almost put a "Crazy Foreigners" tag on this story?

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 7

Why We Write, II

My continuation of the Ministry of Minor Perfidy's collaborative writing exercise is below the break. Read the first installment, written by GeekLethal, here.
It didn't help that the only job Alexei could seem to keep - the only job that hadn't ended in some ignominious frogmarch to a distant office on a top floor where he was harangued in words he barely even understood like "malfeasance" and "restraining order," or lying bent and bruised underneath some cruel steaming machine with a nickname like "The Mangler" or "Hobart," was a job in a nearly forgotten department of a past its prime molded plastics concern removing staples from endless reams of flimsy yellow paper.

Endless reams of yellow paper that flapped, folded, stuck and tore at the slightest touch. Endless reams of yellow paper faintly inscribed with fifth-generation carbon copies of nearly irrelevant data, crinkled and landscaped, spindled and folded. Endless reams of yellow paper with edges that, for all their insubstantial creperie, cut like a razor. Endless reams of yellow paper that some craven middle management types insisted must be saved, must be kept! in case of lawsuit or audit by overly curious head honcho.

But the staples added, so the craven middle management types held, the equivalent of five pages' thickness to any given thinly stapled document, and so in order to save file space, they must first be removed. Alexei knew, as any intelligent person would, that this was silliness of the first water. But it paid the bills and it left his mind free to wander far afield from his shabby bus stop, from his grimy office/closet with the dingy grey-tan carpet, from the stifling pong of the diesel fumes, from the suffocating closeness of the endless reams of flimsy yellow paper, from the trailing skein of bad timing and bad decisions that clung to him like stale cigarette smoke.

Plus, he got to use a staple shark.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Binding contract

"Repeat after me. I, state your name,"

I, state your name,

"Do hereby swear and affirm,"

Do hereby swear and affirm,

"That you'll post a lit'l som'n som'n real soon now."

Amen.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

This just in, requiring a statement of the apparently obvious

From Tuesday's WSJ, a newsflash that's neither flashy nor, really, news: DeLay Withdraws From House Race. (sorry - I don't know if the link above is for subscribers only - it might well be)

As the story goes, "...he won't run for re-election in the fall so as not to hurt Republican chances, House colleagues said."

Hogwash, methinks.

A judge in Texas indicted Mr. DeLay last fall for his role in allegedly illegally routing campaign contributions into Texas during the 2002 elections.

Mr. DeLay has also found himself at the center of a broad Justice Department investigation into corruption by Republican lobbyist Jack Abramoff and Republican lawmakers on Capitol Hill.

Mr. DeLay has said that he is innocent in both cases. But two of his former aides have pleaded guilty in the probe, as well as Mr. Abramoff, who once was Mr. DeLay's top fund-raiser.

A federal indictment seems imminent, no? Yeah, that's what I think, too, and yes, it does seem obvious. How the Republicans will do is soon to be so far from his mind that such an assertion by "House colleagues" is giggleworthy.

Indictment or no, good riddance to bad rubbish. And no, I don't just mean to a guy who's courted the lobbyists, or who's alleged to have re-gerrymandered Texas to correct the misallocation of representatives due to prior Democratic gerrymandering (which, itself, was of course to correct the misallocation... rinse, repeat ad infinitum). Those are, frankly, all part of politics. The Hammer has carried it a level beyond all that.

I mean good riddance to a guy who's been willing to play grab-ass with lobbyists to the complete exclusion of actually legislating - you know, the part where you propose a law and then defend it on its merits, rather than simply co-opting/inviting people to the trough or bashing them over the head in private with one form of blackmail or another. I can't honestly tell you what he's stood for on any meaningful issue, aside from his incessant need to acquire a majority. An utterly immoral man, I think, exercising power for the sheer sake of the exercise.

As previously retorted here, here, and (indirectly) here, the dubiously honorable alleged gentleman from the southern suburbs of my home town has been symbolic of much that's wrong in Washington today. If he's the last to fall on his sword for conduct unbecoming a representative of the people, then the game will have stopped too soon.

Not that there was ever a chance of the alternative, but I'm glad I ignored all his pleas for contributions to his primary campaign of several months ago.

Hammer, my ass. Next time you see him, say hi to Duke Cunningham for me, m'kay?

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

Baby

The noble house of Buckethead is now 33% larger, with the addition of new baby girl Jocelyn. More details later, as I am really, really, really tired. And that is fresh as a daisy compared to Mrs. Buckethead, who is very tired indeed. I'm going to go cook some dinner and sleep.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 14