perfidy

My mom, bless her heart, sent me the following via the internets. No doubt you've seen things like this before. Maybe even this one. Your relatives back home probably sent you one. But fear of repetition has never held back the Ministry. Never. If we give into fear, then the terrorists will have won. And you don't want that, do you? Do you?

So here it is. The top arbitrary number of reasons you will know you are from Cleveland (with commentary, thusly):

• You don't really know any homosexuals; you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood. Hence the nickname, "Flakewood." But they don't hate gays, they just envy them their formidible interior decorating powers. Which you would understand if you saw the interior of any house in Parma over by Rt. 42.
• You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does. Every newscaster in the country sounds like they grew up in Cleveland. It's true.
• You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the music station of the year. I didn't like country music until I moved to the East Coast. Still hate WGAR, though.
• You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away. Why not? The best amusement park in the world is closer to Cleveland than anywhere else, except Toledo. And Toledo doesn't count.
• You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world. It is.
• The Tri-C jingle "students for life" scares the hell out of you. I think Cuyahoga Community College had some sort of perverse kickback scheme set up with all the guidance counselors in the region. No matter whether you were a valedictorian with a 1600 SAT or some poor schlub who couldn't pass woodshop, the advice was the same: Tri-C.

• You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath. I never held my breath.
• You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry, but don't really understand it. Much like the Blue and Green factions in medieval Byzantium, there doesn't need to be a reason for violent rivalry.
• Your neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies. Fuckers
• You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga. I imagine that back in '68 when the river caught on fire, national news announcers dreaded the Cleveland reports.
• You can tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, and Old Brooklyn apart. Actually, they all look alike to me.
• You see Christmas lights still up in July. Why save all the fun for winter?
• You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is. It's a kind of grain.
• You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower. Even though I have never in my life wanted a patio enclosure, I know exactly how to get one.
• You're still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City. It's like the Abyss done by Busby Berkeley.
• You have never ridden in a taxi. At least, never in Cleveland.
• You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can. If it ever got below 30 in DC, I'd do this when it warmed up again.
• You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Lindale. My personal law enforcement nemesis was Montrose Township, also on I-71, but a bit south. Five tickets.
• You hate Baltimore and you have never been there. I've been there, and it's a nice town. But I still hate it.
• St. Patty's Day is your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish. Not really confined to Cleveland, at all.
• You're still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl. Really took all the fun out of that year, and cast a pall over graduation and going to college.
• You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns came back? Yep.
• You know Tower City isn't a city at all. Yep.
• You're Polish. Yep. Well, in spirit.
• Stories of Little Italy still send chills down your spine. Stories of Hough are worse, though.
• At least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel. Even though I have not lived in Cleveland for six years, and my son has never lived there, half of his wardrobe is Tribe apparel thanks to his grandma.
• You measure distance in minutes. Still do, but only because in DC, actual physical distance is not even remotely relevant to how long it takes to get somewhere.
• You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. Yep. Once I saw the Savings and Loan time/temperature sign drop forty degrees in half an hour.
• You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" Yep. I also say things like, "needs washed."
• You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both un-locked. Yep. I really ought to change that behavior now that I live in DC, and have a stalker.
• You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows. Yep.
• You carry jumper cables in your car. Yep. Doesn't everyone?
• You know what 'pop' is. My mom confused the hell out of my son by saying "pop" - the boy had no idea what she was talking about. All he knows is "soda." Then she accused me of raising my son improperly.
• You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. In Cleveland, you have to.
• Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. True.
• You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown. No comment.
• The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports. Which is saner, when you think about it.