perfidy

And, yes, I'm posting a mildly topical fake-blog item, just to nudge Sparky's junk (below) off the top half of the page. For the children.

There's a little lot near where I live now that usually has some sort of stand set up on it. In June it's fireworks. I've also seen sunglasses, cellular phone accessories, peaches, onions, and other things for sale there as well.

Over the weekend this stand caught my eye though. Hatch green chiles are common this time of year. But then I saw the adjacent tent and I just had to wonder...

Every so occasionally, an Onion post strikes my funny bone, and if I'm lacking the time to actually write something, I'll toss out a "FakeBlogging" entry, like this one, to memorialize the chuckle. In fact, I created the "FakeBlogging" category specifically to hold my Onion links.

The problem with the Onion, recognized and reported by others smarter and more widely read than I, is that most of the time, the entire punchline can be communicated simply via the article headline. For me, that's not so much a problem, because the text is generally also both juvenile & funny, and doesn't detract from whatever the headline was. I might be alone in that view, however.

To allow our readers to form their own impressions on that crucial question, should they care to, I present several items linked or relinked from today's Onion daily email:

Forgive me for thinking that, however insensitive, these are funny.

The other day, I detailed my son's incisive reasoning in regard to human-robot relations. Today, he made his Dad proud once more. We were down in the basement, playing around a bit, when John had a new idea for a game:

Dad, you be the cops, and I'll be the Blues Brothers.

My heart just leapt. Then, not fifteen minutes later, he picked up a stick, handed it to me, and told me:

Let's fight. You bring a sword, and I'll bring a gun.

Such strong tactical awareness in a child not even four and a half years old.

Apparently Messrs Siegfried and Roy have decided to publicly own what has been blatantly obvious to everyone but Siegfried and Roy for years.

Note the word "schwul", which made this Minister laugh out loud when he read it.

[wik] Which is funny because the adjective "schwul" means "queer" or "humid"; and the adjective "hitze" means "hot" in both the ambient-temperature sense and the libidinous sense. And when I saw the article, I remembered one time rappin' to some fly madchens at this little dive I frequented... I was talking about the weather; they were hearing about what a flaming homo I was.

From Letterman:

10. War and Peace and Steve
9. The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Steves
8. The Grapes of Steve
7. The Steves of Wrath
6. Steve Grapes Steve Wrath Steve Steve
5. Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Steve is From Cleveland
4. Where's Waldo? Is He With Steve?
3. Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown, Volume VIII: "Mysterious Guys Named Steve"
2. The Joy of Sex with Steve
1. The Bible (King Steve Version)

While it may surprise you, gentle reader, to hear that I am again guest posting on MO, considering that I am barely posting on this, my own website, the fact is that I have been Rossed to a large degree over the last couple weeks. The end is in sight (or at least the headlight of the oncoming train) and my time for blogging should be substantially greater in the immediate future. Unless I pick up all those freelance gigs I'm chasing. Anyways, here is the first of this week's Murdoc Online guest posts:

Greetings again, fellow Murdoc-cultists. The great and powerful Murdoc is once again goofing off, and has asked me to take up the slack with a few posts for you to educate and amuse yourself, and to productively use your time at work.

Our first topic is the troubled V-22 Osprey Tilt-Rotor, which is flying right over my head as we speak. The 418th flight test squadron out of Edwards in California has temporarily relocated to the tiny, tiny airport in Winchester, Va, only a half hour from my fastness in the wilderness. If you follow this link here, you can watch a very small video that shows some CV-22's landing and whatnot, and hear the reporter mispronounce several words.

The reason the Ospreys are in my neck of the woods is simple. They need the bad weather that California simply refuses to provide. In particular, they're looking for fog in which to test their terrain guidance systems. There's typically a lot of fog up here, so they shouldn't have too much trouble.

The Air Force version isn't scheduled to enter service until 2009, but the Marine MV-22 will be heading to Iraq in September.

I haven't actually seen one yet, they're actually flying a bit west of where I live. I am thinking of driving the boy up to the airport to see if we can catch a glimpse of one of those, and if I do, I'll post pics if I can get some decent ones.

What did the thousands of moths who kamikaze my porch lights do before there were porch lights?

And, what did four year old boys obsess about before we invented cars, trucks, trains and planes?

[wik] The highly educated and fearsomely well-read NDR sent me a brief footnoted note to the effect that a thousand years ago, Swedes were killing each other over religion.

One thousand years ago Sweden was, in fact, in the midst a protracted process of conversion (as well as throughout Scandinavia). Until the late 12th century there were still bloody encounters between Christians and pagans. These conflicts form the backdrop of Bergman's Virgin Spring and Undset's Gunnar's Daughter.

To which I replied,

I think you misunderstood my intentions in that post. Yes, they were in the midst of a protracted religious struggle. Exactly. They were killing each other, so the issue of "trying to assimilate" would have been a complete non starter.

And, they were Vikings then, not watered down euro-weenies. It's only in the last few hundred years that Swedes (or anyone, for that matter) have realized that when your only tool for argument is an ax, all problems look like necks.

I didn't have any movies to quote though. Thinking a bit further on the matter, religious conflict is, by way of gross misunderestimation, a huge problem globally and throughout history. Most people seem to imagine that most conflicts are about greed or economics. Of course for the Marxists, that's being redundant. If not money, then power or political ideals. This may be true for some leaders. But the people - and many leaders - are not quite so cynical as we are. Many of the leaders in the Thirty Years' War certainly claimed that they were following God's will in smiting the heretics. And there is little doubt that many were convinced of the truth of their religious beliefs, to the point of motivating them to follow those leaders regardless of their "true" motivation.

In the whole world, there are only a few places, and only for the last four hundred years, that have proved even mildly immune to the temptation to go a-smiting. I leave it as an exercise for the reader to determine where the home countries of those recent immigrants to Sweden fall in that classification scheme.

I haven't had time to post much lately, for which I abjectly apologize. But I have run across some interesting bits I'd like to call your attention to.

• Here's a nifty National Geographic piece on swarm behavior, or how while individual ants are staggeringly inept, ant colonies are not.
• While I certainly like the new iPhone more than Mapgirl, this guy is really down on the Jesus Phone.
• The Ministry has for some time now been trying to alert the public to the threat of robots. While humanity as a whole will certainly all experience the cold metal boot of robot domination, we probably won't all feel it at once. Among the first groups to feel the iron grip of robotic oppression might just be migrant workers. As if they didn't have enough to contend with.
• The New Yorker is occasionally interesting.
• The recent release of some old CIA documents has raised some eyebrows. And sent conspiracy types into overdrive. And it looks like we did after all try to get the mob to rub out Castro.
• Wired interviews Hans Reiser, linux guru and accused murderer.
• Times puff piece on cyberwar.
• Yes, it does.
• Mars or Bust! I think that terraforming Mars would be a fabulous idea. Of course, we need to get there first. One real advantage with Mars, is that we could use rather, uh, drastic methods in the period before we start setting the planet.

Enjoy, and I'll try to post something substantive real soon now.

Do like beer?
Do you like to raise money for charity?
Do you like to drink beer to raise money for charity?

If you answered yes to any of those questions and live in Norfolk, VA, please go to the 2007 Summer Ghent Bar Tour! They raise money for the Make a Wish Foundation. Last winter's tour raised over $14,000.00, blowing their goal of $8K out of the water.

And don't click on the Ashtin and Braden link. You'll see two totally adorable little tykes who are really sick. Once you see them, of course you'll donate money!

My personal college experience with larval Republicans was sub-optimal at best. I was constantly called upon to explain the tactless mouth breathing of my small school's single fanatic Republican Kool-Aid drinker. Having to repeatedly agree with this idiot was painful - "Well, he's right, it's just that he said it in the worst conceivable way." At least these young Republicans have something of a sense of humor. The Alexandria, Va YR's are planning the first annual Dick Cheney Paintball Tourney, "named in honor of our Vice President and second amendment enthusiast Dick Cheney." So, if you're not busy, go shoot with, or shoot at, some young conservatives.

Johno sent me another vid, which I must share. Watch the whole thing:

[wik] And... it's gone, disappeared sometime in the last nearly two decades.

Here's some interesting things:

Yesterday, the Victims of Communism Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC, in memory of the hundred million and more victims of global communism. Thanks to the Daily Brief for the heads-up, I'll have to check that out.

Also, the Brits are moving ahead on their new nuclear sub - the Astute, first in a new class of subs for the Royal Navy. Soon to launch, and only five years late and 900 million pounds overbudget. But look at this:

That wheely thing at the bottom would be great for the Iowa-class Main Battle Tank, no?

My current preferred candidate for President is the Fred Thompson, who is apparently pissing off all the other candidates by out-polling them without even having a declared candidacy. And, they're gunnin' for 'im.

A physicist is soliciting funds from you, yes, you, to conduct research into quantum retrocausality. That means, John Cramer of the University of Washington Physics Department wants to see if "signaling, or communication, in reverse time" is possible. I read both his sf novels, I think I might send him maybe a buck-two-fifty.

Tony Blair has turned the UK into a panopticon surveillance society. Let us hope we can duck that one here, but I think it's largely inevitable.

And finally, it is my birthday. Please email me for details on where you can send your Apple gift cards so that I can get my iPhone.

...I can get away with fakeblogging. Like this:

I can't figure out how this entry was tagged in today's WSJ Best of the Web Today as one of the Bottom Stories of the Day:

"Marshalltown Police: Woman Stole Toilet Paper From Courthouse; Police Chief Says Butts Caught in Act" 




Oh, wait - never mind, I get it. Subtle, that Taranto. Very subtle. 

Please also note, B, that this entry is very conservative in its use of category tags, so there's that.

Murdoc, of the world famous Murdoc Online, has foolishly entrusted me with the keys to his website. I'll be guest posting over there for about a week, and you can check out my first attempt at losing him his reputation and traffic here.

Found in my daily mail from The SimplyHeadlines Experiment:

Mich. man in wheelchair takes wild ride

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. - A 21-year-old man got the ride of a lifetime when his electric wheelchair became lodged in the grille of a semitrailer and was pushed down a highway for several miles at about 50 mph.

I hope he had a change of diaper with him.

Cops raid wrong place, kick man in groin

ANNAPOLIS, Md. - Annapolis police raided the wrong apartment Wednesday night, using flash grenades and kicking a resident in the groin before they realized their mistake, police and the family said.

As everyone knows, a kick in the groin is guaranteed comedy gold, as long as it's someone else's groin.

Calif. man charged with killing Wee Wee

Uh...

Never mind.

As Chtulu is my witness, the heading above is copied straight from the SimplyHeadlines email. Apparently, Yahoo or AP subsequently changed it to read "Man charged with shooting pet goose". Which, honestly, doesn't even qualify as funny enough to excerpt, let alone make fun of, so if you want to read anything about that story, you'll have to just click the link above.

Patton has accused me of being overly concerned about wasting a scarce natural resource. The category tag. In this, of course, he is completely wrong. Naturally, I could have argued that over-categorizing a post dilutes the utility of tags. And I would have been right. But that wasn't the point. I was attacking him on aesthetic grounds, and just to stick a stick in his eye.

Just to prove that I am not some sort of homo-tree-hugging-enviro-commie, this post, which really is about everything, is tagged with every category we have. And, when I have a free moment, I'll add some new categories, and add them to this post.

So there.

Period Suppression Pill OK'd

The FDA approved Lyrel, a birth control pill that stops the monthly menstrual cycle altogether. What do you think?

Or not, as it turns out.

[wik] My mother would have totally missed the humor in that last lady's comment.

FreeMoneyFinance is going scold me for getting a pet, but I got a pet. It just sort of happened to me.

My co-workers were smoking outside when a parakeet landed on the shoulder of one of them. Apparently this little guy is trained and very social. He likes to perch on your finger. They decided to bring him inside because a hawk was circling overhead. For some reason bright turquoise parakeets make easy targets. Go figure.

I told the woman who had him on her desk, “It’s going to eat through that box in a hour. Let me know and I’ll go buy it a cage.”

Sure enough, by 10AM today we were at a pet store getting a whole rig for the damned thing. $70 bucks of little blue joy. The lady at store told me to come back in a few days once he’s stopped freaking out and she will clip his talons and wings for me.

I DON’T NEED A PET!

I’m too nice to let him get killed by a hawk or live in a cardboard box. The plan is to leave him in the office till Wednesday when I can take him back to the pet store for his grooming and then home on Wednesday night. (I HAVE PLANS FOR DINNER TONIGHT! I AM TOO SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE TO KEEP AN ANIMAL WHICH IS WHY I DON’T ALREADY OWN A BUNNY!)

I have seen other parakeets. I am a sucker. I bought a large cage for it so I can get him a friend in a few weeks. Birds are social animals and I don’t want him to get too unhappy being all alone in my apartment for hours when I am out with my singleton social life.

I AM GOING AWAY THIS WEEKEND! I DON’T NEED A PET!

Thank god one of my friends is a pet sitter. She doesn’t really sit for birds, but will refer me to her friend who owns a bird.

THIS IS TERRIBLE.

But he’s kind of cute, even if he’s already pooping all over the cage.

Once he gets settled, if the pet thing doesn’t take with me, I will give it away free to a good home. I want to make sure he’s healthy before giving him away to another family. Wouldn’t want it to infect any other birds they might have.

*sigh*

I am a sucker. I think it’s tattooed on my forehead.

Oh sweet Jesus, please don’t let me turn into a pet/cat lady. I really don’t need this.

(It does not help that a family in DC on Craigslist is giving away their parakeet because its mate was “murdered” by the family cat. I’m thinking in a month, that might be a good one to rescue and keep mine company.)

[This was crossposted from MFC. FWIW, I did post lost/found ads on Craigslist, Petfinders and a specialty site called 911 Parrot Alert. I will give it a month, but the lady at the Fairfax Humane Society thinks a week is fair.]

Last Sunday, the Buckethead clan up and decided to take a roadtrip into the wilds of West Virginia. (The wilds of West Virginia being coterminous with the borders of West Virginia.) Our original destination was Spruce Knob, the highest point in WV aside from the pothead rock climbers at Seneca and over by the New River Gorge. On the way south, though, I happened to spy a sign for the Dolly Sods. Executing a 45mph ninety degree right turn, we drove up a mountain to see them.

Almost 23 years ago, I had visited this area, and it is a fascinating miniature ecosystem. The name “Dolly Sods” comes from a German immigrant family, Dahle, who once farmed in the area. They moved on, but the Americanized version of their name remained. The “Sods” appellation refers to the grassy areas that grew up in the burned out regions of the plateau. The Dolly Sods is the largest, highest plateau east of the Mississippi, and it was once a Spruce forest, though logging and subsequent fires reduced the area to a near desert. Since then, it has grown back – but the plants and animals there are more like what is generally found 1600 miles to the north in Canada – like the cold-adapted snowshoe hare.

Most of the trees have branches growing on only one side – away from the prevailing winds. Most of the ground cover is low, bushes and heath, huckleberries and blueberries. There are also huge bogs, watered by the 100 or more inches of snow that the area gets each winter. The bogs are filled with lichen and moss, and we had to warn the boy back from the edge, lest he become a permanent addition to the bog ecosystem.

The views from the edges of the plateau are incredible – there’s a hundred foot drop-off at one point, and lots of fun boulders to clamber around. There was another family there, who had a five year old daughter in tow, and Sir John-the-precocious-casanova was entranced:

John: She’s my girlfriend.
Me: Really?
John: Yes. She’s my girlfriend.
Me: Don’t you think you’re a little young to have a girlfriend?
John: Well, no
Me: Did you ask her if she wanted to be your girlfriend?
John: No. Why?
Me: You should always ask a girl before calling her your girlfriend.
John: Okay
Me: Do you know her name?
John: No, I can’t know that.

All in all, a fun and educational experience. And once we get the pictures developed, I’ll update this post. (I misplaced the cable for the digital camera, so it remains full of older pictures.

One amusing thing, and frankly the reason for the whole post, was the presence, in the middle of nowhere, a wonderful modern four lane highway that connected the Virginia border with Petersburg, WV. As we got on to the highway, and noted it’s many bridges over creeks, huge cuts through ridges, and impressive width, I said to Mrs. Buckethead, “This is one expensive road. Look how much earth they had to move to make that cut – that must have cost a shitload of money. And it connects one obscure corner of the middle of friggin’ nowhere to another even more obscure corner! I guarantee you this is the work of Robert C. Byrd.”

And as God and my wife will attest, not two minutes later we passed a discrete sign that informed us that we were traveling on the Robert C. Byrd Appalachian Highway System.