Throughout history, the hunt has traditionally been central to high culture. Hunting rights were reserved to the aristocracy, and poachers were punished viciously for the least infraction. Hunting was, among other things, a proxy for war training, a test of manhood, and a means of ridding the world of dangerous predators. In modern times, as our feeble replacement for warrior nobility has moved on to other pursuits – literary criticism, cultivating effete mannerisms, the collection of third world handicrafts, posturing “interest” in obscure causes – the hunt has declined in importance. Nowadays, hunting is largely the preserve of the descendents of those who were once hanged for snatching the King’s deer. The hunt has now become hunting. A blue collar pursuit, déclassé, and if noticed at all by the guardians of modern culture, regarded with little short of revulsion and nausea.
That this is emblematic of our decline as a civilization is clear. It is also clear that something must be done. In considering this matter, the ministers felt that in reviving the Hunt, we must attempt to recapture the best aspects of the Hunt of old. It must be a test of courage, man vs. the most dangerous of beasts. It must have an element of public service – we must, in killing, provide life and safety for the little people who are hungry and, indeed, at risk from the hunger of the wild. The Hunt must refine those skills most useful in war, so that we, and those who participate, will be better prepared for the coming apocalypse. Finally, it must offer up to heaven a sacrifice of blood, cruelty, torment and incense.
In pursuit of these aims, therefore, The Ministry of Minor Perfidy is now accepting reservations for the first annual Ministry Manatee Hunt and Barbecue.
The Manatee is renowned throughout the world for its cunning, viciousness and utter lethality. It is a known, historical fact that the first two Spanish expeditions to Florida were consumed to the last by the angry, territorial Manatee. Early settlers introduced the Alligator in the hopes of limiting, at least somewhat, the depredations of packs of hunting Manatees that once plagued that region. For several centuries, Spanish settlers lived in fear of the man-eating Manatee, slowly learning from the local aborigines (colloquially known as “Indians”) methods of avoiding the vacas del agua del asesino del pavor.
Manatees teach their young to hunt
It wasn’t until General Andrew Jackson was sent to the newly acquired Florida territory to deal with the Manatee menace (and, incidentally, put down the Seminole rebellion) that people could leave their homes in safety, and live without fear of continual harassment and death at the teeth and claws of hunting packs of Manatees. Jackson organized the largest Manatee Hunt in history: using 800 Federal troops and over a thousand Georgia Militia, along with locally conscripted “volunteers” he started in central Florida and swept outwards in a giant spiral, driving the Manatee before them. Great was the slaughter of Manatee on that day.
Since then, the Manatee have survived, much reduced in number and wary of man. Only occasionally do they stir from their watery lairs to snatch a small child or a careless senior citizen. Most of these attacks are ascribed to alligators, which no doubt strikes a dark chord of humor in the Manatee.
We will not be orchestrating a Hunt on the scale of General Jackson. There are simply not enough Manatees to make it feasible, and in addition, a close reading of Florida’s trespassing statutes suggests that it could expose the Ministry to significant legal risk. Instead, we envision a smaller, more convivial hunting party of 8-20 participants, and the Hunt will take place on private land, free from the interference of do-gooding environmentalists and nosey park rangers. The only remaining details to be hammered out are tactical.
There are several schools of thought on the best means to hunt the savage Manatee.
The Manatee, as is well known, fools its prey by taking on the appearance of a placid, slow moving blubbery creature. When the victim, convinced of the harmlessness of the Manatee, looks away, then it charges, lunging out of the water in a horrific display of razor sharp claws and bone-crushing teeth.
The full grown Manatee has several modes of attack at its disposal.
- The smooth, rubbery skin of the Manatee conceals muscles of surprising strength. The Manatee can literally leap from the water, landing on its target and crushing it instantly with its bulk.
- The Manatee’s jaws have a bite strength of almost a thousand pounds per square inch, stronger than the Mako shark. Its jaws can sever an arm or leg almost instantaneously, or pop a human skull like a watermelon at a Gallagher show.
- Concealed in the seemingly limp front flippers, the Manatee hides fourteen razor-sharp, five inch claws. These talons can eviscerate a man in a fraction of second.
- It is a little known fact that the Manatee, like the dolphin, can emit a high-pitched screetch that is capable of stunning, for a brief time, creatures up to man size. This attack works best in the water, as the air is a much less efficient medium for sound.
Since the Great Hunt almost two centuries ago, the Manatee has learned to be a solitary hunter, relying more on stealth and cunning than the cooperative hunting pack tactics of its glory days. The Manatee is now a solitary creature, reclusive and secretive, except when they put on displays to fool the weak minded.
The Manatee Prepares to Strike
With this in mind, we can determine the best means of attack. The traditional means, sanctified by time and papal decree, is to sneak up on the Manatee and kill him with a blow to the head with a blunt object, such as a tire iron. The Ministry reveres tradition of course, but this method appears to be a trifle inelegant. We will leave it on the table for discussion, however.
The second method is also time-tested, though of more recent provenance. This involves attacking the Manatee as it surfaces with a large power boat. The real skill involves hitting the Manatee with multiple passes, to create the figure-eight pattern that proves it was an intentional kill, and not the result of driving a boat while drunk. The Ministry does not approve of this method, as it is not sporting, manly, or fair.
The final method under discussion is the use of firearms. The Ministry has secured the use of number of a Browning M2 .50 Machine Gun, and proposes this as the means of choice for our Hunt. Given the relative ferocity of the Manatee, we feel that this weapon offers the best balance between risk and carnage for both the hunter and the Manatee. (Each hunter will be permitted a native bearer/loader.) After all, we do want to give the Manatee a fighting chance.
There will be a preparatory meeting a week before the expedition, when Ministry representatives and the participants can hash out the final details. Native bearer/loaders will also be assigned at this time, along with code names and individual itineraries. If you wish to travel to the hunt site with more than one other person, special dispensation must be obtained, as we do not wish to make local law enforcement officials at all suspicious.
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