perfidy

I used to really dig indie music stores. Of course, this was back in the day when I could walk into such a store and know more than 30% of the bands in the bestseller section, but I digress.

I was never totally comfortable with the default attitude of indie music store clerks. We all know what they're like: assholes. On the other hand, you gotta love their pluck. Witness the following, pulled from an indie-store industry newsgroup.

From: xxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2006 12:17 AM
To: xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: the indie record store; TOO good not to share

>From xxxx, [Dinkypeter Records] in [Springfield City]:

Well, Dinkypeter bought 400 [of the Tom Waits box set]. We pre-sold 179 copies, and I wanted to be the only place in [Springfield] with 'em on 12/24. Yesterday, this dude calls and says, "Will you match the Best Buy price on the Tom Waits box?" We'll refer to him as BBF (you know, Best Buy's Friend) in the dialogue below.
BBF: "Will you match the Best Buy price on the Tom Waits box?"
Me: "What's the price?"
BBF: "$44.99."
Me: "Sure, I'll do that. And I'll put $44.99 on it, so there's no confusion."
BBF: "Cool, because I think your shop is awesome. Can you put one back under the name 'Dave'?"
Me: "Yup, not a problem at all. See ya in a bit."
Then, about 10 minutes later...
BBF: "I spoke to someone on the phone, they're holding a Waits box. The guy said he would match Best Buy's price. He said he would put a note on it."
Me: "Yeah, that was me. All right, it comes to $47.91."
BBF: "Your price tag says '$39.99'."
Me: "You asked us to match Best Buy's price. Our price is $39.99 Theirs, you said, was $44.99, so it comes to $47.91 with tax."
BBF: "Dude, that's a f*(king sh!tty thing to do."
Me: "I'm not sure I understand. You asked us to match Best Buy's price, and we are."
BBF: "F*(k you, man. I'm not shopping here again."
Meanwhile, I turn around and put the box set back on the shelf next to ones for the winners that got signed editions.
Me: "OK, so I can put this back? Because this is the last signed one we have, and we'll just put it back for the next person."
BBF: "What do you mean it's signed?"
Me: "We got signed ones, direct from the label."
BBF: "That's bullsh!t. Let me see."
I reach back and get a signed one from the stack next to it, and...
BBF: "OK, I'll take it."
Me: "You said you were never gonna shop here again. I don't want to see you make yourself be a liar."
BBF: "I'm serious, man. I'll take it."
Me: "Dude, it's not worth it. Your personal integrity is more important than this signed Waits CD. Believe me, you'll hate yourself later for going back on your word."
And now the big ending...
BBF: "F*(K YOU!&#*#*^(@*$(^$(@Y$(&$@*&(*&@$!!!!!"
Next customer in line: "That was awesome."

Interesting article on the making of LEGOS - I had no idea that the LEGO Group is the world's largest tire manufacturer. Or the largest maker of very small tires, anyway. I envy the children of today, who have Star Wars Legos to play with. When I was a youngin, Star Wars figures and Legos were my favorite toys - to the exclusion of all others. One of my greatest frustrations then was that the two groups of toys were almost completely incompatible. Star Wars figures were just too big to fit into any reasonably scaled Space Lego creation I could make. For years, decades now that I think on it, my mom has bought me a small Lego set for my stocking every Christmas. Maybe someday someone will buy me the Legos Star Destroyer. It's only $300. That's not much. Really.

In case you hadn't noticed, TV Land has compiled a list of the most memorable tv character catch phrases ever. I was mortified to find that I knew most of them, but somewhat relieved at the same time that it wasn't just another list of Boomer nostalgic greatest hits. Plenty of stuff in there uttered after 1972. List available here.

So anyway it was interesting for about 15 seconds, after which I realized that many of them are utterly filthy. Forthwith, selective editing of some tv catchphrases into dialogue from a single scene from a porn flick:

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

"It takes a licking and keeps on ticking..."

"Holy crap! Have you no sense of decency?"

"Sock it to me!"

"Hey hey hey!" "Hey HEY hey!" "heh heh heh" "aaaayyyy"

"Elizabeth, I'm coming!"

"Oh, my nose!"

"Bam! You've got spunk ..."

"How sweet it is! I can't believe I ate the whole thing...tastes great, less filling!"

"That's hot...baby, you're the greatest."

"Good night, and good luck."

"Who loves you, baby?"

exeunt and towel off

If shooting femtosecond blasts of laser energy turns the surface of any metal into a radiation sucking blackness, I'm thinking that a really, really black car wouldn't be all that vulnerable to state trooper radar.

Teaching robots to play hide and seek may seem cute now, when robots are clumsy and stupid. And, for the most part, unarmed. But hide and seek isn't so cute when you're hiding, and the seeker is smarter than you, armed with plasma cannon, and thinks you are vermin.

And, in typical Onion fashion, of course it is. I guess. But when I read the article available at the link below, it occurred to me that it could as just as easily have appeared in the "straight" press, and if it were, it might pass as a normal news story. You know, one of those that you read and nod your head in agreement? Odd, that.

[wik] I just noticed the "tweak" they'd obviously added as a "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" to keep us from taking it seriously (other than the fact it was posted in the Onion) - the game wasn't played on a Sunday. Sneaky Onion bastards!

[alsø wik] As previously discussed, I hope USC wins out convincingly, or better yet, loses twice while Florida beats Florida State by 150 points or more, because I really don't care to see a rematch between UM & OSU in Tempe. Since OSU's going to win anyway, how about Boise St, the only other ranked, undefeated team? Yes, you're right - that's going too far. 

The new scientist (same as the old scientist) reports that the new wave of lifestyle drugs are those that allow us to self-modify our sleep architecture. And more, and more subtle and powerful, drugs are in the pipeline. Wakefulness promoters, sleep enhancers, anti-narcoleptics, all this and more will allow you to stay awake for days at a time without the edginess and irritability (not to mention geek stigma) of Jolt(tm) and to recharge your batteries in no time at all with a two hour, all slow wave power nap. As much as I love sleep - and Mrs. Buckethead will attest to the deep and abiding respect I have for sleep - being asleep is suboptimal for getting things done.

I seem to remember some time ago that someone had a drug that could block the need for sleep, but this article doesn't mention it. Pro- something.

This, I must admit, is not a question that has been keeping me up late at night. I am aware that I come from rednecks, and I will return to the rednecks in about two weeks.

You Are 50% Redneck

You're just about as welcome up in town as a hair in a biscuit.
Ain't no hidin' your redneck roots!

I fudged slightly on some of the questions. For example, I do not at this moment have a refrigerator on my porch. But last week I had a refrigerator, a freezer and a gas range. I think I qualify. 

Here's a couple hundred dick jokes:

• My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
• My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
• My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
• My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
• My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
• My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
• My dick has better credit than I do.
• My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
• My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the People’s Democratic Republic of My Dick.
• My dick is so big, it has casters.
• My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
• My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
• My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
• My dick is so big, it lives next door.
• My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
• My dick is so big, it votes.
• My dick is a better dresser than I am.
• My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
• My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
• My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
• My dick runs the 440 in 15 seconds
• My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
• No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
• My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
• My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.
• My dick was once the ambassador to China.
• My dick is so big, it's gone condo.
• My dick hit .370 in the minors before it hurt its knee.
• My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than he was on the team.

• My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
• My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
• My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
• My dick is so big, it has feet.
• My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
• My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
• My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
• My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
• My dick is so big, it has investors.
• My dick is so big, it seats six.
• My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring.
• My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
• My dick is so big, King Kong is going to climb up it in the next remake.
• My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
• My dick is so big, I can fuck an elevator shaft.
• My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.
• My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
• My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
• My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
• My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.
• If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.
• My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.
• My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.
• My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
• My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.
• My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.
• My dick is so big, that it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.
• My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.
• My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.
• My dick is so big, you can ski down it.
• My dick is so big, it has an elbow.
• My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.
• My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.
• My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.
• My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
• My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.
• My dick is so big, there's a sneaker named "Air My Dick"
• My dick is so big, I'm it's bitch.
• My dick is so big, it's against the law to fuck me without protective headgear.
• My dick is so big, I could fuck a tuba.
• My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
• My dick is so big, it has its own gravity
• NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.
• My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.
• The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.
• My dick is so big, it has a spine.
• My dick is so big, it has a basement.
• My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
• My dick is more muscular than I am.
• My dick is so big, it has cable.
• My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.
• My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.
• My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.
• My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blow job in Tennessee.
• My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.
• My dick is so big, I can braid it.
• My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
• My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.
• My dick is so big, I can sit on it.
• My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
• My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.
• My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
• My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.
• My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
• My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.
• My dick is so big, you're standing on it.
• My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.
• My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.
• My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
• My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.
• My dick is so big, it's right behind you.
• My dick is so big, when I broke my leg, they didn't put a cast on it, they just strapped it to my dick.
• My dick is so big, when I was in a porno, they had to release it on a 4 disc DVD box set.
• My dick is so big, it thinks the Grand Canyon is a virgin.
• My dick is so big, they named the invasion of Normandy after it. (Usually just known as D day)
• My dick is so big, interplanetary distances are measured in light years and my dick years.
• My dick is so big, it bought Microsoft from petty cash.
• My dick is so big, FedEx won't insure it.
• My dick is so big, it has a horizon.
• My dick is so big, it has tonsils.
• My dick is so big, it's known as Doctor Pecker.
• My dick is so big, I run three-legged races by myself.
• My dick is so big, that when I fly, it has to take the train.
• My dick is so big, it posts big dick jokes.
• My dick is so big, that it can think of far more big dick jokes than I can.
• My dick is so big, they refuse to put me in prison.
• My dick is so big, I can shoot for the Moon and hit it.
• My dick is so big, its a Weapon of Mass Destruction.
• My dick is so big, when I fall down, I fuck everyone in China.
• My dick is so big, it urinates by telepathy.
• My dick is so big, I left it at home.
• My dick is so big, it don't have veins, it has pipes.
• My dick is so big, sometimes it jerks me off.
• My dick is so big it was impeached by Congress.
• My dick is so big, Florida had to measure it twice.
• My dick is so big, it killed its ex-wife and got away with it.
• My dick is so big, it's not just famous, it's Infamous.
• My dick is so big, it has a stunt double.
• My dick is so big, compasses do not function properly if they get too close.
• My dick is so big, the Pope has blessed it.
• My dick is so big, Al Gore invented it
• My dick is so big, black holes fall into it.
• My dick is so big, premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.
• My dick is so big, it's wanted in nine states, and Canada.
• My dick is so big, when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit.
• My dick is so big, it's in a boy band with four other big dicks.
• My dick is so big, it's a government scapegoat.
• My dick is so big, it has its own seat in Congress.
• My dick is so big, it's worshipped as a Pagan God.
• My dick is so big, I can change channels without the remote.
• My dick is so big, I use it to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border.
• My dick is so big, I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.
• My dick is so big, it gives me an allowance.
• My dick is so big Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.
• My dick is so big, if I didn't sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.
• My dick is so big, I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.
• My dick is so big, it has it's own time zone - central dick time.
• My dick is so big, it could feed Ethiopia for a month.
• My dick is so big, Frodo carried the Ring to it.
• My dick is so big, Osama bin Laden tried to fly a 747 into it.
• My dick is so big, it has its own moon.
• My dick is so big, it has its own wing at the Louvre.
• My dick is so big, Jimmy Hoffa is still hiding below it.
• My dick is so big, it has its own telethon.

[wik] I should note that most of these are from Drew Carey's book, and from some site I can't remember.

I have been absent from posting for some little while now, and resident in the bad blogger seat that I added to the site to encourage my cobloggers to post just a little more often. The irony of this situation has not escaped me, but I can at least offer a reasonable excuse: superstition.

It seems that every time I mentioned, online, the prospects for a house - well, that deal went into the crapper in proportion to the amount of detail I went into. So, I have avoided mention of any real estate dealings, and in fact avoided blogging at all for fear of letting something slip. I must admit I feel some trepidation in even mentioning it now, but we are under contract for this place, financing is in place, and everything seems to be moving forward in a smooth and sane manner. Our new place is not the huge estate that I described in my earlier posts, but it is over four acres, and will suit our needs very nicely.

Giant Robot posts, dick jokes and goofiness will resume presently.