Any Given Saturday

The thrill of defeat, the agony of victory.

The Umpire Strikes Back

Haw!

A cheap-ass pun merely to inform you that Major League Baseball has decided, after fan outcry, that Spider-Man bases are a no-go. The rest of the promotion will go off as planned but the bases, the perfect white diamonds that in their perfection are perfect miniatures of the perfect greater diamond they define, and whose perfect presence is the reason for the (perfect) game in the first place in all its hallowed glory and perfection yea forever and e'er amen, will not be touched.

Damn straight.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

SCOTUS to Clarette: You got served!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg refused to overturn a lower court's ruling that li'l bastard Maurice Clarette cannot, for now, participate in the 2004 NFL draft.

Clarette is a very talented young man who, unfortunately, lied to NCAA officials about eligibility violations in his sophomore year at Ohio State. He now wants to enter the NFL, where he's sure he'll become the next Jerry Rice.

Rotsa ruck, kid. I hope he does end up eligible to play in the bigs via a supplementary draft, and I hope he gets drafted. Because then he will spend a couple months getting chewed to pieces by the gigantic, fast, bloodthirsty men that play defense in the NFL, land on the sidelines with a dislocated knee or torn off head, and either come back humbled and mature or slide into obscurity. Either way, lesson learned for him, mad crazy entertainment for us.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 7

This Just In: The Pope's A Killjoy

Hey... shouldn't you be in church?

Pope John Paul (news - web sites) on Friday said Sunday should be a day for God, not for secular diversions like entertainment and sports.

"When Sunday loses its fundamental meaning and becomes subordinate to a secular concept of 'weekend' dominated by such things as entertainment and sport, people stay locked within a horizon so narrow that they can no longer see the heavens," the pontiff said in a speech to Australian bishops.

I know the Pope is obliged to say this kind of thing, it's his job and all, but does he really want all the Catholics of Parma, OH to make an all-or-nothing choice between church and the Cleveland Browns?

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 4

Monkey King: Swinging the big bat

Well, I think this is cool....

The fledgling Chinese Baseball League has chosen legendary folk hero Sun Wukong the Monkey King and his invincible as-you-will cudgel as its mascot. Perfect!

Known best to Westerners as the inspiration for the anime series "Dragonball Z," the adventures of the Bugs-Bunny-'cept-Godlike Sun Wukong are chronicled in the 16th century Chinese novel, "Journey to the West" by Wu Cheng'en. In JttW, Sun Wukong accompanies the priest Sanzang on his journey to the Western Heaven to recover the lost Buddhist sutras. This is his punishment and reward for challenging the gods and styling himself "Great Sage Equalling Heaven" in a previous life.

I'm about halfway (1200 pages) through "Journey to the West," and I have to give it the highest possible recommendation. The book can be read on several levels: as an endless chronicle of spectacular kung-fu battles with demons; as a travel novel; as a meditation on the synthesis of Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism in Chinese thought in the 16th century; or as an extended metaphor for the individual's quest toward enlightenment. As such, even when the demon-fighting gets a bit much and the poetry goes on for pages and pages (this book has more effing poems than The Silmarillion," it's still a surprisingly compulsive read.

If you have the least interest in China, you should check it out.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!

Dude.

This Sunday the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees will play their first game since the spiritual and literal beating that was Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS.

Sure it's just a stupid Grapefruit League matchup, devoid of larger meaning, but do you seriously believe it won't be a kickass game, a prologue to a tooth-and-nail dogfight of a regular season? In my nightmares I still see that Pedro pitch hang fat over the plate like a full moon in the September sky, and improbable "hero" ("dickhead') Aaron Boone smack that dinger over the fence. The sports reels here in New England were for the next week full of self-lacerating hair-shirtery and endless replays. Then came the offseason: The Wooing of Jose Contreras. Jose Contreras joins the side of Evil. The Wooing of A-Rod. A-Rod too dons the Pinstripes and joins the side of Evil. Executive sniping and backbiting. More of the same. And all that was before the snow started to melt.

Ass: meet couch. Beer, Pretzels and Mayhem will be here soon.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Bizarre Metallic Pasties and Inadvertantcy

If Janet Jackson's boob-shot at the Stupor Bowl was, as Justin Timberlake insists, a "wardrobe malfunction," I ask you: why did Janet think to wear a strange sol-shaped metallic pastie/nipple ring/clamp device visible from half a mile away?

I think it's cute that MTV still thinks boobies are funny, and even cuter that the NFL finds them outrageous.

[wik] More boobie, much more boobie, at co-perfidions blogcritics, your clearinghouse for football/boobie synergy.

[alsø wik] For those of you who watched the Stupor Bowl on Sunday: did you like the "Rocket Sled" commercial, you know, the one where the guy is giving his girl a sleighride and they have an open flame and the horse farts? I personally hated it. There are standards for fart jokes-- matters of timing, taste, syntax-- and this particular 'mercial missed on all of them. I'm sitting here giggling at the punchline now "wow... they have a rocket sled!" but I found the ad itself totally unfunny at the time.

Now, the Teutel family jumping a bunch of dump trucks... that's comedy gold.

[alsø alsø wik] I'm told there was some sort of sporting event on Sunday as well that I would probably remember were it not for my five-martini dinner.

[wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?] My congratulations to the New England Patriots for a great game and a second win. Only in Boston do people die during victory celebrations. We also eat our dead up here. With beans. (Check out the link... the columnist even takes a swipe at Detroit.)

Congratulations also to the Carolina Panthers, a class act, a great team, and co-architects of one of the most exciting Stupor Bowls, indeed one of the most exciting games, I have ever seen.

[see the løveli lakes...] Kudos also to Aerosmith. As it turns out, they're giant space buffs, and it was partly their doing that there was such a tribute to NASA, space exploration, and the astronauts of the Columbia before the game. They are the greatest band in the world, or at least used to be.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

Cleveland Indians Pitcher Admits Gay Porn Might Have Been a Mistake

Ya think? The Detroit Free Press has the best precis on the sordid issue:

Cleveland: Indians minor leaguer Kazuhito Tadano is asking for forgiveness for his appearance in a gay porn video in which he engaged in a homosexual act. Tadano took part in the video three years ago as a college student. "All of us have made mistakes in our lives," Tadano said, reading a statement in English. "Hopefully, you learn from them and move on." Shunned by Japanese baseball teams, the 23-year-old pitcher signed with the Indians last March. They think he can make their club this spring. Through an interpreter, Tadano added: "I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now."

Well, I'm glad that's all straightened out. So to speak. The Cleveland Plain Dealer has a couple articles on the subject as well. It just never ends when you're a Cleveland fan. Well, he may be a straight gay porn star pitcher, but at least he's our straight gay porn star pitcher.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Charlie Hustle

In reading through the backlog of posts that I ignored for over a month, I found this gem. Pete Rose has always annoyed me, largely because he played for the Reds. Also, because he is an egomaniacal shitranch.

Once, I heard a radio sports guy say something like this:

If it wasn't for baseball, Pete Rose would either be working a gas station, or robbing it.

While Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Darryl Strawberry, Gaylord Perry, Doc Ellis, and David Wells were certainly not good role models for the kiddies, the fact is they did not commit the cardinal sin of baseball. Ever since the black sox episode back in '19, screwing with the integrity of the game is the biggest no-no. That's why Shitranch Pete is not in the hall, while some who are arguably worse people (Cobb, for instance) are. Rose picked the wrong sin.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Charlie Hustled

Welly, welly, welly! Here's one from the obvious files, kids! Pete Rose bet on baseball. Yup, he said it.

In other news, OJ is thisclose to finding the real killers.

All kidding aside, it sucks that it took Pete this long to just fess up. Everybody in the world knows he did it and not very many folks care (this assertion being the result of an informal poll I just conducted on myself). Hopefully now that he's earned his lesson they'll let him back into baseball with all those other paragons of restraint and Christian virtue like Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Darryl Strawberry, Gaylord Perry, Doc Ellis, and David Wells.

It's a pity. Baseball makes heroes and legends of its players, but off the field baseball players usually end up coming off as petty, small people. Rose could have been spending the last fifteen years managing the Reds and burnishing his legend as "Charlie Hustle, king of the baserunners." Instead, we all remember him as a bullheaded player who ran out every single and very stupidly put Ray Fosse in the hospital during an All-Star Game.

Let's get him in the Hall of Fame quick, before he makes matters any worse for himself.

[wik] Eric Olsen, Godfather of Blogcritics and my lord and master, offers this assessment of Pete Rose, man and player:

I always prefer extraordinary talent over the "overachieving slob who doesn't have the talent but achieves on guts" crap, and especially if that overachiever is a swaggering, egomaniacal shit ranch. That turd had/has zero style and he hit like a girl - that's what his HOF plaque should read: "Pete Rose, more hits than anyone in MLB history, but he hit like a girl."

Well. Egomanical shit ranch it is, then. I rather disagree with Eric's "talent over guts" philosophy but I'm pretty sure that this bias isn't what drives his animus against Mr. Baseball. No, I think it's that Eric takes exception to Pete Rose being an egomanical shit ranch and with that I can't disagree.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Small-town sports are larger than life

I grew up in Northeastern Ohio, in one of those pockets of country where high-school football and God compete for first place in the hearts of the people that live there. Like they do in Midland, TX and Southwestern PA, my people spend their Friday nights at high school stadiums, huddled on rickety steel bleachers while teams of wildly varying talent grind out a life-and-death drama for their benefit.

Sometimes football is all you have. I'm risking getting my ass sued for this, but we are the Ministry of Minor Perfidy after all, so there you have it. Below the fold is an article from a November issue of the Washington Post about the thriving tradition of six-man high school football in Montana. Apart from being a great sports story, the piece rises above the game-- as good sports writing should-- to encompass the re-fronterization of the West, the decline of the family farm, and the unintended effects of federal farm policy. Found via a dam site, and he's right. This should win some award, and make it into "The Best Sports Writing of 2003."
Montana Town's Boys Are Its Last Gasp of Hope

By Blaine Harden
Washington Post Staff Writer
Monday, November 17, 2003; Page A01

GERALDINE, Mont., Nov. 16 -- A cold, nerve-rattling wind, the kind that can make a passer sick to his stomach. That's what the coaches from Geraldine High, whose boys had won 11 straight by keeping the football on the ground, were praying for in the state championship game.

As football prayers go, it was reasonable enough. The November wind in north-central Montana often knocks railroad cars off their tracks. But the wind did not blow here on Saturday afternoon, and the boys from Geraldine, halfway through the third quarter, seemed helpless to do anything but lose.

They could not stop a strong-armed senior named Tyler Stookey. With eight touchdown passes, Stookey had put Custer-Melstone High ahead by the soul-crushing score of 64 to 32. To rub it in, the visiting band played taps.

Wrapped in blankets against the windless cold and sitting in lawn chairs along the sidelines, most of the 3,315 people in attendance were too stunned to cheer, too heartsick for the boys from Geraldine to boo. Lila Armstrong, who has taught English at Geraldine High for 34 years and whose son Alan is on the team, whispered to a friend, "It's all over but the crying."

The English teacher, though, was wrong. The blowout turned into a cliffhanger. When it was over, the coaches of both teams agreed that Montana's Class C state championship was one of the best -- and most improbable -- high school football games they had ever seen.

"Oh, my God," Rod Tweet, the normally stolid coach of Geraldine, said as he walked off the field. "I am going to have a heart attack."

Six-man football is what they play in towns as small as Geraldine, population 284. From Montana to the Dakotas and south to Texas, six-man football is a socially sanctioned intoxicant. On Friday nights and Saturday afternoons, it numbs the pain of demographic decline across the Great Plains.

For a few delicious hours every autumn, the game provides families with the illusion that farm country is not emptying out, that farm culture is not drying up.

"If we don't have these boys playing football, we don't have anything to get together for," said Scott Stone, 28, who played six-man for Geraldine High and who on Saturday was standing along the sidelines, worrying the score and screaming himself hoarse.

Geraldine is a power in six-man football. It has been to the state championship game eight times in the past 10 years. Usually, though, its prayers go unanswered. Six times, including last year, Geraldine has lost in the finals.

Coach Tweet called his team together after practice last Thursday and prepared them for the pain that might again be in store on Saturday afternoon.

"Don't let one game ruin your entire season," he said.

A more subtle kind of heartbreak in Geraldine occurs every school day when teachers count heads. Like thousands of small towns on the plains, Geraldine is bleeding young people.

The town has lost 23 percent of its population since 1970. But the high school has shrunk even more: By 53 percent since 1970, from 103 students to 48. There are 11 students in this school year's graduating class. In 2007, there will be six.

Six-man football was invented in Nebraska in the 1930s as an antidote for the declining populations and empty wallets that came with the Great Depression. It blossomed on the plains until the mid-1950s, but wilted with the Baby Boom and good crop prices.

Geraldine played six-man football until 1960. That's when it felt prosperous and populous enough to step up to the eight-man game. (The town is named after the wife of William G. Rockefeller, a major investor in the Milwaukee Railroad, which created Geraldine in 1913 as a grain depot.)

By 1989, with most of the boomers grown and gone away, Geraldine High began running low on boys. Coach Tweet decided he had no choice but to step back down to six-man.

It was a decision that is becoming increasingly necessary across central and eastern Montana, where the 2000 Census showed 23 counties either losing population or stagnating. Only five Montana high schools were playing six-man when Geraldine rejoined their ranks. There are now 20 six-man teams, with 20 more schools expected to sign up in the next five years.

Worked Off the Land

Like a sick canary in a coal mine, healthy six-man football suggests that something is amiss on the Plains.

Stagnant farm prices are part of it, as is the declining birth rate, the trend toward larger farms and the increasing sophistication of farm equipment. Modern tractors, equipped with global positioning devices and autopilots, allow a single operator to farm several thousand acres without a hired hand. Five years of drought have also forced families off the land.

But perhaps the most important reason for the depopulation of Geraldine and eastern Montana is a 15-year-old federal subsidy that pays farmers to grow native grasses on their land, rather than grain.

Called the Conservation Reserve Program (CRP), it was intended to remove fragile, easily eroded land from production and stabilize crop prices by reducing the amount of grain that farmers grow. Thanks to the CRP, 40 million acres of farmland are out of production across the United States, including 3 million acres in Montana. The program guarantees farmers in this area about $39 an acre per year. That is slightly less than what they could get for growing grain, but it is guaranteed and they do not have to fertilize, spray with herbicides or harvest the wild grass.

The program has had a salutary effect on wildlife in the plains. Farmers say they have never seen so many pheasants, deer and antelope. Geraldine's football field is on the edge of town, and during practice last week, pheasants chortled in the nearby grass and deer wandered to within reach of a long punt.

The CRP, however, has also had the unintended consequence in Montana of emptying small-town schools, according to farmers, bankers and local federal officials. In a perverse way, they say, the CRP is a major booster of six-man football. Geraldine reverted to six-man just three years after local farmers began signing up for the program.

"The CRP obviously hurt," said Bill Evans, the executive director of the federal Farm Service Agency for Chouteau County, which includes Geraldine. "It means farmers buy less chemicals, fuel, seeds and equipment."

Since the program locked up about 20 percent of county farmland, scores of business owners that cater to farmers have closed up shop across Chouteau County. Most moved away, taking their children with them. The county has better soil and usually gets more rain than most of central and eastern Montana. It is far and away the largest wheat-producing county in the state.

Thanks to the CRP, it no longer has a single dealer that sells farm implements. To buy a tractor or get parts, farmers have to drive 70 miles to Great Falls.

"The CRP is killing us because there are no new families coming in to farm," said Armstrong, the English teacher who gave up on the football team midway through the third quarter.

Young farmers with children are disappearing because the CRP makes it possible for elderly farmers to stay on their land. Normally, the cost of paying their land taxes would force retired farmers to sell farmland or lease it, usually to up-and-coming young farmers. With CRP money rolling in risk-free, they have no financial reason to do so.

"It has turned into a great retirement plan," said Bill Larsen, vice president of the Geraldine branch of Heritage Bank. "They don't have to farm, and they don't have to buy equipment."

Geraldine, as a result, is withering, and it looks it. Streets are potholed. Up and down Main Street, buildings are boarded up. There is one grocery store and one place to eat, a bar called Rusty's. There are also persistent rumors in town that the school might have to close, with students having to ride the bus 26 miles north to Fort Benton, the closest town.

"It's going to happen," said Stone, the former six-man player at Geraldine High who now runs a carpentry business. He said it's just a matter of time.

A Way to Escape

As dreary as Geraldine looks, it is a wonderful place to grow up. That's according to Joey Boso, 17, a senior place-kicker on the Geraldine football team. He ought to know. He and his mother moved here from Las Vegas seven years ago, after an older boy stole Joey's bicycle at knife-point.

"I knew that if I raised him in Vegas, he wouldn't be the boy he has turned out to be," said his mother, Michelle Marino-Boso.

She said she found Geraldine by throwing a dart at a map of Montana. She ran a bar and restaurant on Main Street here until last year, when it caught fire and burned to the ground. Still, Joey is glad they got out of Vegas.

"It is sheltered here," he said. "The kids don't know what drive-bys are. You can build friendships. In Vegas, you had to watch your back. In Geraldine, you can actually be a kid."

With four minutes left in the third quarter on Saturday afternoon, Geraldine High seemed bound for yet another championship loss. Prowling the sidelines, the team's assistant coach, Andy Whiteman, mumbled, "I just want this game to be over."

Then, out on the field, Stookey, the passing phenomenon from Custer-Melstone High, began to play like a mortal. He missed a couple of receivers. He dropped the ball and had to fall on it for a big loss. He threw an interception.

The boys from Geraldine, down by 32 points, abandoned the comfort of the running game. They faked a punt and threw for a touchdown. They tormented Stookey with a two-man rush. They scored 40 unanswered points, as farmers on the sidelines leapt out of their lawn chairs and threw off their blankets. They danced around in their work boots, whooping and laughing, until they were red in the face.

Geraldine led the game 72-64 with only 1 minute and 13 seconds to go. It was getting close to 4 p.m., and dusk was closing in on the prairie that borders the field.

Stookey, though, recovered his senses. He threw his 10th touchdown pass and kicked the point-after conversion, which counts for 2 points under six-man rules. The game went into overtime, tied 72-72. The farmers, again, began to fret.

Custer-Melstone won the coin toss and quickly scored an overtime touchdown. Stookey, though, missed the point-after kick.

Geraldine High had one last chance. They made the most of it, running the ball for a touchdown and tying the game at 78-78. There was no time left. Joey Boso, the boy from Vegas and the place-kicker, was ready to attempt the point-after.

On the sidelines, though, Coach Tweet suggested that his boys run for it, rather than risk a kick. Several seniors on the team objected. They told the coach that Joey, who was already nine-for-nine in point-after attempts, had earned his shot.

They were right. His kick was perfect and he won the state championship, setting a 10-for-10 state kicking record in the process.

Geraldine had chased away its second-place demons. Farmers stormed the field. Coach Tweet wept. Armstrong, the English teacher, said she was ashamed of herself for having said all was lost. On into Saturday night, beer ran like water at Rusty's bar on Main Street.

The state championship allowed the people of Geraldine to forget, at least for a while, that they were running out of young people.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Cleveland sports: handmaidens to destiny

Last night, in a surprise reversal of fortune (all was juuuust fine when I went to bed in the second), the Rams defeated my beloved Browns to secure a playoff berth and deny one to Cleveland.

What everyone must understand about the Browns is they are always the handmaidens to destiny. In fact, that goes for all Cleveland teams. Consider the following:

Cleveland Cavaliers, 1989. "The Shot." Craig Ehlo quixotically tries to play aggressive D against a not yet superhuman Michael Jordan in a playoffs-deciding game. Jordan gets angry, and murders the Cavs, propelling the Bulls to the playoffs. The Bulls go on to win their first of many, many championships.

Cleveland Browns: the Cardiac Kids versus the Steel Curtain, 1970s. Who won? In fact, who won it ALL, FOUR EFFING TIMES? Who gets their likenesses on Iron City beer cans every year? Who's dirtier than a pig farm and half as pretty? You frickin' guess.

Cleveland Browns and Bernie Kosar (a): The Drive, 1986. Denver Broncos QB John Elway ("Horseface") takes the ball 95 yards for a TD, forcing the 1986 AFC title game into overtime. The Denver D orchestrate a quick turnover and Horseface orchestrates a quick field goal, thus making his name as one of the great ones. Great assholes, that is.

Cleveland Browns and Bernie Kosar (b): The Fumble, 1987. Actually two fumbles. In the AFC title game(sound familiar?) Kevin Mack fumbles early in a rematch with the Broncos. The resulting loss of TD results in a browns-down-by-7 scenario later in the game. With less than two minutes to play, the Browns threaten to tie the game at 38. Kosar's handoff to Ernest Byner on the draw play results in a goal-line fumble, recovered by Denver. Denver wins, again. The Browns never again field a team worth speaking of, and eight years later are dissolved. Meanwhile, Horseface goes on to a Hall of Fame career.

Cleveland Indians: The Great Disappointment, 1997. After a five-decade World Series drought, the Indians make it to game seven, inning eleven, against the expansion Marlins. A tiring Chuck Nagy throws a sleeper to rookie shortstop Edgar Renteria, who drops one to short center thus scoring the winning run. The Indians never again threaten to make the World Series, their run of quality teams eclipsed by the rise of the Yankee Machine and an uptick in the fortunes of the Red Sox.

So, there you have it. If it's down to the clutch, and a Cleveland opponent is in a position to make the playoffs, win the playoffs, or become legend, always bet against Cleveland.

[wik] Thanks to "Tam" for kindly pointing out that I got the year wrong of the Indians' humiliation. Rest assured-- it was a typo.

[alsø wik] News flash: I'm a moron when I haven't had my coffee.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 9

Utter heresy!

This article at footballoutsiders.com argues that, statistically speaking, football teams should be going for the two-point conversion after almost every touchdown.

Interesting. The basic finding is that, over the last three years, the number of 2-point conversion attempts has risen, as has the success rate of said conversions. Also, winning teams tend to go for the conversion more often, and are more successful at it. Although the sample size for individual teams is relatively small, the aggregate numbers across the league bear this observation out.

Put another way, the numbers show that the more a team goes for two, the more often they succeed, and this probably correlates to how often they win.

I don't necessarily agree with the conclusion that every team should be going for a two-point conversion on every touchdown, but the numbers do suggest that there is a clear marginal benefit from doing it more often. Furthermore, that one point can be a huge advantage late in games as well as being a strategic monkey-wrench for the opposing team.

Cool!

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Return of the King

Gregg Easterbrook, he of the donnybrooks (ooh! piquant!) over race, economics, and the Elders of Zion, has returned to the only thing he should be allowed to do in public: write about football.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback, which recently was erased from ESPN so totally I was doubting my own memories of reading it, is back at footballoutsiders.com.

[mincing, jerky victory dance]

While you're over there, do check out the main footballoutsiders site. They do statistical modelling of football in the way that Bill James and Baseball Prospectus do for baseball, and are good writers to boot. It's almost enough to make me like math.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Baseball as business primer

Via some providential linkage, I came upon Management By Baseball, a weblog by a gent who draws lessons from baseball's organizational and managerial behavior and applies them to the regular business world. He's got some great insights and better yet is witty and concise.

His is a competing/complimentary to the "Moneyball" thesis, in that in the MBB model, lessons flow from baseball to biz, and Sabermetric managers attempt to do more or less the opposite.

I love convergence!

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Baptism

Here's all I will say about yesterday's game.

Being a relative newcomer to New England, I learned secondhand the pain, agony, and exhilaration of being a Red Sox fan. It's part of the catchecism every New Englander learns before they learn to walk: Bucky Dent, Bill Buckner, and the whole lot of it. The lessons came easy to me, being well-prepared in my youth as a Cleveland Browns and (erstwhile) Indians fan.

But a catchecism can only teach your mind. It takes a soul-quaking revelation to make you understand. now I understand.

Buckethead: as much as I'd like to root against the Marlins, I cannot. Pudge Rodriguez is one of my favorite players, and the rest of the team play exciting baseball. What's more, until the fires of hell swallow the Yankees (except Bernie Williams and Joe Torre: class acts), I won't be happy. I will accept as a substitute a soul-crushing Yankees defeat after which Derek Jeter cries like a little girl like he did last year after the Angels series.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

Now can both teams lose the series?

I will not be watching the world series. I was indoctrinated from birth to hate the Yankees. That will never change. The only time I would ever cheer them on is in a purely tactical situation where a Yankees win over some other team would advance the prospects of the Indians. The fact that they have won basically all of the last twenty world series only adds to my hatred.

I also hate the Marlins. This ridiculous expansion team, only in existence for eleven years, has already won one world series, defeating the Indians. They do not deserve another. And for the pain they inflicted on me back in '97, they should go another 100 years without having a winning season.

The only way I would watch the series is if they changed the rules in such a way that it became possible for both teams to lose. The Yankees and Marlins collectively represent all that is wrong in baseball and the world at large. Fie on them both, fie.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

You'd be laughed out of Hollywood

Game 7 of the American League Championship series. The Sox and Yankees in Yankee Stadium. Pedro and Clemens at it again. Pedro's first start-- in the Bronx-- after Saturday's slugfest. Clemens' last start before retirement. The Yankees have won 5 of the last 6 titles. The Sox have won almost 30 games this season in their last at-bat. The Sox won their first series 3-2, digging out of an 0-2 deficit. The Yankees are hungry again, the last two years having proven to them that there is no sure thing. The Sox are hungrier, and are playing team ball like Boston hasn't seen in decades.

Cue music. Cue lights. Cue slow-motion.

You can't make this stuff up.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

God doesn't hate the Red Sox, he just likes to screw with them a lot

When I was a tyke, I read Mad Magazine all the time. Long before I knew what "randy" and "bazoombies" even meant I though everything they did was absolutely hilarious(, which explains a lot about me). The weirdest stuff sticks with me. I remember back in the early and mid 70's, whenever the people at Mad drew a mob scene, there was always one guy in a corner stuffing his fist in his mouth. I didn't know why, and at age ten I never understood it, but there it always was: a crowd of people going apeshit, and a dude with his hand in his mouth.

Why do I bring this up? Because at approximately 8:15 Eastern time tonight, I was eating my fucking hand. Thirty seconds later, I was screaming triumphant obscenities at the legions of arrogant, ignorant Yankees fans I imagined were just in the other room. At some point, I misplaced my pants.

Those naysayers who believe that baseball is boring can go to hell. Tim McCarver and Joe Buck can go right behind them. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, tonight I watched the most exciting game of baseball I have ever seen, and the best part is the Red Sox won.

My commute is bad for 4PM start times: I leave in the middle of the 2nd or 3rd, usually, after watching as much live update gamecast as I can on mlb.com. Then an agonizing 90 minutes of silence. The Schroedinger's catbox agony of knowing/not knowing what's going on in the game is terrible, and the last few days merciful people with Wi-Fi connections have been keeping my train updated as to the score. Then I get home in the 7th (or later) and watch the end. Home is a sweet relief even when the game almost gives me a coronary.

Today, five innings of game was enough. Any more baseball may have killed me. The wind! The field conditions! Nomar's error! Yankees rally! Nomar's triple! Sox rally! Trot's dinger! That crazy wind! The bullpen by committee is finally working! Red Sox stay alive and win, 9-6, to force a game 7! Damn, it feels good to be a Masshole. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, when Pedro and Clemens go at it again, this has been the best post-season I've ever been witness too. And that includes the agonizing snowing-in-October Indians-Marlins World Series back when I was still a Cleveland fan and the Derek Jeter Game Of Tears last year.

Hope the Cubbies fuck Florida good. I'm'na go watch.

[update] The Cubbies failed to fuck Florida good. The possibility of a snoozer Yankees-Marlins series looms. If that happens.... hey, at least hockey and football are on.

[update] My most sincere condolences to the Chicago Cubs, and to the family and friends of Steve Bartman of Chicago, IL. Steve will be leaving now; is a leper colony in Calcutta far enough away?

[update] And, yes, congratulations to the Florida Marlins. They're not the same team that beat the Indians back in '97, and Dontrelle, Pudge, and the rest of that crew are an incredibly entertaining team to watch. Best of luck to 'em, unless they play the Red Sox.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3