perfidy

...just by their faded Dream Theater t-shirt.

Dr. David Thorpe at Something Awful unveils his Your Band Sucks Aptitude Test.

I was already hemorrhaging points by the time I had to admit former affiliation with a semi-metal act. I knew the final result wasn't going to be good, but never reached it thanks to this question:

27. I tend to dress:

a. In a zoot suit (-15)
b. In leather and safety pins (-5)
c. In tight jeans, Chuck Taylors, a faded t-shirt and a half gallon of hair-shellac (-10)
d. Like a normal human being (Automatic fail)

Mmmmm, the familiar kiss of failure.

I checked the answer key at the end anyway, and found I was well within the "play air guitar forever" category. Which is really not so far off the mark.
It was plain as the moles on Lemmy's face that my band sucked; I knew it, but did it anyway to alleviate my stifling boredom. But this quiz might be very helpful to those who are not well-adjusted enough to notice the level of their own suck. By taking it, and applying the result, they might save the rest of us minutes of face-pinching displeasure the first time we hear their noise and, grimacing, turn their shit off.

This could leave a mark:

AUSTIN - A Houston-area lawmaker said Tuesday that she is "vehemently insulted" by independent gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman's derogatory comments about Hurricane Katrina evacuees.

Friedman last week attributed a spike in Houston's crime rate to the "crackheads and thugs" who evacuated New Orleans.

I haven't a clue how "She" could both be offended by his comments and simultaneously be an elected representative from Houston, since Kinky wasn't talking about Houstonians with funny names, but instead was speaking of Katrina evacuees, but "She" continues:

"He has demonstrated a total lack of human sensitivity," said state Rep. Senfronia Thompson, D-Houston. "The people of Katrina have lost everything and are suffering not only from the loss of loved ones, but the trauma of the event itself. What has precipitated from this tragedy is behavior that results from a disastrous event."

Damn - is it just me, or did Senfronia just say that, yeah, the Katrina evacuees laid waste to large parts of Houston, but that it's OK, because it was to be expected under the circumstances? Ouch. And that will leave a mark, but probably not on Kinky Friedman.

Sadly, it probably won't leave a mark on Senfronia, either, because Houston proper has a wicked habit of electing maundering assholes to minor functionary legislative positions. (See "Sheila Jackson Lee", though, to be fair, the tony suburb of Sugarland hasn't covered itself in electoral glory either, and the city does sometimes do right, such as with Mayor Bill White and Judge Bill Eckels, true studs, both)

After all, something more than 20% of the year's homicides (through Aug 26) in Houston have involved Katrina evacuees (though that includes both perps and victims). Kinky appears, as always, to just be saying what everyone can see with their own damned eyes.

Stretching fair use to its limits, just in case that link up top goes stale, I have to also include the following excerpts:

"Kinky Friedman has called himself a 'compassionate redneck,' " said Thompson, chairwoman of the Texas Legislative Black Caucus. "He would do well henceforth to highlight his compassion while de-emphasizing his redneck tendencies."

Yeah, there's that. But it's not like the governor in Texas actually has to do much of anything. Honest. And this:

Friedman earlier this week also said that we would not pander to different ethnic groups while campaigning for governor.

"I don't eat tamales in the barrio, I don't eat fried chicken in the ghetto, I don't eat bagels with the Jews for breakfast," said Friedman, who is Jewish. "That to me is true racism."

Tell it, brother! I continue to particularly like the cut of the man's jib.

He's #2 in "the polls" so far, but he's both still pretty far behind our current pretty-boy Governor, Rick Perry, and damned by the press to defeat because of his proclivity for action and fun, rather than the slog of executive life.

All that said, if I have to waste a vote in the race for Governor of Texas (a presumption I'm not willing yet to stipulate), I'm happy to waste it on a guy who knows that the job is virtually all public relations and bully-pulpit, and who also knows that in Texas, it's generally defensible to just speak your mind, particularly as long as you're stating the bald-faced obvious.

Fans of the late conservationist, wildlife expert and tv personality Steve Irwin have, it seems, been visiting their grief and anger on innocent stingrays. Ten or more stingrays have been found dead and mutilated on the beaches of Australia. Another two have had their tails removed. Naturally, this is exactly what Steve would have wanted. Now, I am normally reasonably callous when it comes to the death of innocent and helpless critters. Often, they are tasty. Other animals find them tasty. That's life. But for some fuckwit to torture and kill an animal just because one of its brethren accidently killed his favorite tv star is totally beyond the pale. Get a grip, losers. Instead of hunting down a graceful, beautiful and largely harmless creature, find a safer outlet for your destuctive urges. Like, maybe, this.

Episode One, In which our hero taunts and humiliates the villain, and discovers that not all Nigerian widows are lying.

It has been half a decade. Unlike that day five years ago, today is chill and damp. I remember how gorgeous that September 11th was; it would have been a perfect day but for the evil that was visited on us. There are lots of remembrances of 9/11 around the web, read them and remember, pray for the souls of those we lost, and pray for peace even if that seems a forlorn hope.

Wizbang has an excellent web roundup which is well worth your time, and there is 2996, an effort to memorialize each of those who died in the attacks. The server for the homepage is swamped, but several friends have participated, Cat, Army Wife, Rocket Jones, Blackfive (who also memorializes Rick Rescorla), and the Oldsmoblogger. If I've forgotten or missed anyone, let me know and I'll add you to the list. Read of all of them, and thanks to all of you who wrote these wonderful posts.

Finally, from our gracious webhostess Kathy Kinsley, we also have two truly excellent links about other 9/11s, and Lilek's 9/11 movie.

Apropos of nothing in particular, I found this kickass pic of a commie attack helo. Seemingly a late-model Hind variant:

Pretty flippin' cool, huh?

What can you say about Nebraska? Well, this:

• In the middle parts of fortune
• You're Not in Kansas Anymore! Not that you’d notice
• More culture and learning than you can shake a stick at, plus the stick
• We named our rivers "White" and "Republican" - do we need to hit you with a brick or what?
• Yeah, corn. And under the corn, thermonuclear warhead-tipped, MIRVed Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. So shut the fuck up about the corn.
• "N" is for "Knowledge!"
• We’ll get a sea coast if we have to destroy Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas to do it
• We're Located Somewhere In The Center
• More Corn than Kansas, Less Bombs than Oklahoma
• "Wildfire Free Since...oh, shit..."
• We're only half as boring as our state sounds
• Where Elephants Roam the CornFields
• We’re glad that Jerk Marlin Perkins is dead
• Ask About Our State Motto Contest
• The geographical center of the USA, and therefore, the universe
• The Flat Water State
• The Delaware of the Plains
• The Plainsy Plains Plains State
• More than just college football. Well, ok, just college football.
• We think we’re not New Jersey
• Home of the Cow-Tipping World Championship
• We put the ‘Mid’ in ‘Midwest’
• There are ten times as many illegal immigrants as Nebraskans
• The "looks kinda like Boba-Fett's spaceship" state
• We still want our corner back from Colorado
• Proud Home of Identical Twin Entertainers Fred Astaire and Malcolm X
• When you think of flat, think Nebraska!
• We believe in Evolution, because we see it stalled to the south
• Nebraska, possibilities...endless. Roads... endless
• The Bug-Eating State
• We gave the world Kool-Aid, and, indirectly, the Holy Purple Jesus
• Our tractors have air conditioning
• If civilization collapses tomorrow, we’ll be the Mongol Hordes by next Tuesday
• And Bill Callahan will be the Great and Dread Khan

[wik] Thanks to GeekLethal and Princess Cat, who contributed mockery and derision to this installment of, "Hey, let's make fun of a state."

I had often thought that I was a nice guy. Rather non-demonic in the general run of things. It seems, though, that I was wrong. My inner demon is not a little boy, but rather:

You scored as Dareigeo, Demon of Rage and Death.

You are Dareigeo, Demon of Rage and Death. You are a demon who will kill your victims with the most violent and gruesome methods ever imagined. You like to rip off your prey's body parts and inflict excruciating pain, but only to let them die slowly while you enjoy every second of their misery.

[wik] I am sick and tired of editing the descriptions on these quizzes. Perhaps if I ripped a few of them limb from limb - you know, pour encouragement les autres - I would need to less of that.

[alsø wik] I guess I'll have to give up hope of ever being Beelzebubba.

Without having had my cockles warmed for several days now- and I loathe cold cockles- I thought I'd have a look at gauging my own evil. Not only is there a quiz for it, your personal evil has a name:

You scored as Xeohelios, Demon of Cunning and Manipulation.

You are Xeohelios, Demon of Cunning and Manipulation. You are an intelligent being who kills his victims in unique and unusual ways. You often have others do your dirty work for you by manipulating them. You rarely dirty your hands with killing, but have many people killed.

And the only times you do this yourself is when you have a personal issue with them. (like envy or hate)

Fair warning: the quiz is a little intense.

[wik] "Who kills his victims" yet "you rarely dirty you hands with killing," a conflicted demon, I guess. - B

[alsø wik] First, running true to form, Buckethead had to fix the quiz code and take the rough edges off the mis-spellings and retarded grammar. So, props. As for the "conflict", maybe not- note the qualifier "rarely"; so he will do his own dirty work at times. But regardless, the end result- whether inflicted by the actual malevolent entity or his tormented slaves- is the same: an unusual and/or cruel death.

[alsø alsø wik] But besides that, who are you to question Satan's minions, Daniel fucking Webster?

So, there I was - out of town the past couple days, when I got a call on my cell, from one of my correspondents who happens to have both my office number and my mobile.

The message? "What's wrong with your office phone service?"

I called the office number from my cell phone, and as reported, heard that

We're sorry - your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again.

WTF? I think I'm still in business, and I know the bill is paid, I said to myself. But at the time, I wasn't in a position where I could spare the inevitable hour+ the search for a solution would take on the phone to some hair-lipped dipshit in Bangalore, Mumbai, or New Jersey. So I punted. (Actually, "teed off" is a more appropriate sports metaphor, under the circumstances)

When I got back to town this evening, I decided I'd spend some time building up karma points, and I've heard that talking to soulless retards is good for one's karma balance. And so I called for technical support. The menu tree on the automated answering system at the service provider was clearly designed to ensure that, except for the most serious problems, no human would ever be bothered with my travails. When I'd finally gotten to the point where I was allowed to make a selection proving that I had, in fact, checked all the obvious problems and found them n/a, I did as requested, and pressed "1" to be transferred to a supposedly sentient being. After the standard boilerplate about how, to ensure quality, my call might be recorded, I heard a couple clicks, followed by a message:

We're sorry - your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again.

After I'd taken a moment to mop up a bit of the blood that burst, geyser-like, from my ears, I called again, and speed-pounded all the same responses as the first time, this time reaching quite the chatty Kathy (though his name was Greg) who asked me to do all the standard shit, and who seemed credulous as I paused after each request for just a long-enough time to allow him the delusion I was actually following his instructions. And when it was all over, I had several phone lines on which I could make outbound calls to anyone, but could only receive inbound calls from other customers of the same provider, though none from anyone who'd been smart enough to choose a different telephone company.

Just as I had been when the call began.

Except for one thing - I now have an "RT Ticket" (whatever that is) and a promise that the engineers in New Jersey will provide something (not necessarily a solution, but something) within 24-48 hours.

Marvelous. Just bloody marvelous. I don't think it would be right to name the company with whom I've so enjoyed this mincing waste of time and loss of telephonic contact from much of the business world, because, while the truth is an absolute defense against libel claims, and everything I've related here is the truth, they don't have a forum here to defend themselves.

[wik] Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Vonage sucks. Like a Hoover.

[alsø wik] Correction, Vonage sucks like a Hoover trapped inside a Eureka.

[alsø alsø wik] On third thought, Vonage sucks like a Hoover trapped inside a Eureka, jammed up Dave Oreck's ass. Sideways. No disrepect to Dave Oreck intended, of course.

[wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?] Yes, Virginia, this does get me out of the hot seat, probably at least until the esteemed Minister Ross weighs in again.