perfidy

...tomorrow, when I'm at my other office. I've got some goodies.

The threat index should reflect not the danger that we are facing, but rather the danger the rest of the world faces from our righteous wrath. Excuse the lack of pretty graphics, nice tables and so on. I'm just a caveman, and I don't understand your strange html technology.

Green: Copasetic. I'm okay, you're okay. 

Blue: Pissy. You're starting to get me irritated. Back off. 

Yellow: Angry. Keep it, up asshole, and you're toast. 

Orange: Twitchy. Locked, Loaded, Looking for targets. and... 

Red: All out of bubblegum. We have just opened a 20,000lb., laser designated, GPS guided, bunker penetrating, fuel air explosive can of whoop ass ten feet from your door. Kiss your sorry ass goodbye.

We could even have different threat levels for different regions. France should always be on Orange. Just like those rotten bastards, the Norwegians. 
 

1) On Saturday Night Live this weekend, during "Weekend Update" Tina Fey discussed the whole Freedom Fries thing, wrapping up the story with this: "In other news, France's Parliament voted this week to rename 'American Cheese', 'Idiot Cheese.'" 2) This image. (Thanks, Instapundit!)

Steve, I totally agree with you about space exploration. As I get older I tend to realize that there is a finite amount of government money out there, and an infinite number of draws on those funds. If the Government can't or won't pay for space exploration, private citizens and corporations should.

Bully for China. I applaud their enterprise and their effort. But I puzzle at the US's space policy. We went to the Moon years ago, which is like getting to second base with the solar system-- pretty awesome, but only the tip (as it were) of the iceberg. What puzzles me is that, after getting to second, we seemingy decided to settle for boobies instead of trying for home. Guh??!?

Unweildy metaphors aside, what gives? Space exploration drives technology and leads to awesome spinoffs like Tang, Velcro, and freeze-dried ice cream! It inspires scientific and engineering feats of genius! It drives young kiddies to enter the sciences! And it keeps us hungry and eager. Yay China! Where's ours?

Exploration of the universe must go forward at all costs, but financed, like the spice trade, by rich people hoping for fun, profit, and the opportunity to have planets named after them. The government apparently has better things to do, such as busting glass-pipe makers and people who download Dixie Chicks tracks. Forget about them. Let's build awesome, new, devices and fly them high, and let's find rich nerds to pay for it all.

Well, that's nice. CNN is reporting that the "Office" of "Homeland" "Security" are considering ... wait for it... ....wait for it.... adding another level to the Great Rainbow Fear-O-Meter. 
 

"The debate is not over whether to add a new color [to the terror threat alert system], sources said. Instead, a slightly higher warning level may be added within orange. 

Currently the highest level of alert is for a "severe" risk of terrorist attack, indicated by the color red. Below red is orange, meaning a "high" risk of attack exists. 

For now, each level of risk has its own color. Yellow, blue and green follow orange and stand for "elevated," "guarded" and "low" risks of attack, respectively. Sources said the current discussion was prompted by the belief of some in the government that if the U.S. takes military action against Iraq the threat level should be raised above orange to indicate an even greater risk of retaliation against Americans and U.S. targets overseas. But there is fear that raising the risk to the ultimate warning level would do serious harm to an already-shaky economy, the sources said."

Oh holy God. THIS is what the government is spending billions of dollars on? Orange is no longer.... orange enough?? I certainly hope they plan to have several briefings about how to distinguish between Pumpkin Alert, Tangerine Dream Alert, and Kiss' o' Citron Swirl Alert. Without their on-the-spot attention to bureaucratic minutia, I am left dangling, unsure how much time each day to allot to stricken whimpering and existential angst! But wait, there's more important information here!! The article goes on to describe the kinds of suspicious behaviors terrorists engage in, the better to know when to swing to Raw Umber Alert status!

"Sources say the kinds of activity they would consider suspicious include people taking pictures at bridges and subway entrances, and people sitting on train platforms who appear to be monitoring the timing of arrivals and departures."

Because, as we all know, Japanese tourists and lonely old people are the biggest threats of all. I imagine a terrorist would just pick up a schedule from the information kiosk, but I'm not a highly-trained terrorism expert like the geniuses at the "Office" of "Homeland" "Security." 

The OHS is an insulting waste of time and money, and will be remembered as an embarrassing black mark on the administration of Bush the Younger.

LAJES AIRBASE, Azores - Monday will be "a moment of truth for the world," President Bush said Sunday at the conclusion of a summit conference here with America's key allies on the Iraq crisis. Bush said there's only one day left to find a diplomatic solution to the crisis through a United Nations resolution or other means. The U.S. has repeatedly said it will use military force to disarm Iraq if peaceful means fail. Iraqi President Saddam Hussein immediately threatened war "anywhere in the world," denied again that he has weapons of mass destruction, and asked who appointed the United States to be the judge of who gets what weapons.

About goddamn time. An informal poll of taxi drivers north of Boston shows that 100% of drivers poll feel a) An Iraq invasion is inevitable b) Everyone knows it, and c) The sooner the President stops acting like a) and b) aren't obvious to even to dogs and small children, the better off he'll be, and risks the contempt of the American people if he continues pretending there's any other end to this situation. 

I'm inclined to agree. I am somewhat conflicted over the, erm, coming conflict with Iraq (mainly over who exactly will pay for the effort, and exactly what will happen after), but I agree that Saddam's days are down to the very small numbers and that that is nothing but a good thing. 

So stop yanking our cranks and get on with it! We got about the biggest, sorest set of diplomatic blue balls you ever seen! Talky-time is over! Smacky-time is here! Let's do this thing! May a thousand roses of democracy bloom! Just stop..... pretending..... there's..... more..... to.... talk..... about!!!! 

Jesus! 
 

Greetings Buckethead and Johnny Two-Cents and all unfortunate readers,

It is I, Windy City Mike (for now), though in the future I could be Burning River Mike, Maryland Mike, Big Easy Mike, or any number of other places. For the moment, I am of Chicago. It's okay, though to paraphrase Nelson Algren, loving Chicago is like loving a woman with a broken nose. It's hard to love this metropolis where the gentle waves of Lake Michigan lap onto small stretches of sand and miles of treacherous jagged rock beaches, but it's easy to have a love-hate relationship with it.

I am employed by this land of the wild onion, this realm of both Daley the elder and Daley the younger, these crooked, broken streets where Bugsy Moran fell by the wayside to the crushing ascendant power of Al Capone, this City of the Broad Shoulders, where we vote early and often, even after a journey to the great beyond. I'm just another Irish guy employed by the city machine, like my father before me, though my job is significantly less dangerous. I teach history in the City College system, and it's a pretty good gig. I'm also struggling to earn a PhD at a Jesuit University here. If I were a twelve year old, I'd be as nervous as a long tailed pole cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Luckily, I am not twelve, and enough with the anticlericalism and cliches for now. So here I am, the left head of a debating troika. I thank Buckethead and Johnny two-cents for their gracious offer to join this cyber round table. Here's to those who lean on their shovels and work with their caloused hands, the 1894 Homestead strikers, the working warriors of 1877, Joe Hill, Eugene Debs, Alexander Berkman, George Orwell, and perhaps most importantly, the martyred James Connolly. I'm old left; it's all about trade unions, a decent wage, a roof over the head, clothes on the back, and food on the plate. So in other words, don't come around here with your dog-eared, well worn copy of Foucault's "Discipline and Punish." Postmodernism don't pay the rent.

Solidarity,
Windy City Mike

New template. More space for writing. We're long-winded here, like 1885 hortatory.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together for our man from Chicago, Windy City Mike. He has very graciously agreed to join our little band, with ze bang, and ze boom, and ze boom boom boom boom bang. I'll let him do his own introduction, only saying this on his behalf: He is definitely someone I want fighting by my side when the zombies come for our brains.

Well, Steve, rather shockingly I find myself agreeing with you on almost all counts, and here I was all ready to grab you by the belt and pull you back from the frogbashing precipice over which have leapt so many of our best and brightest. I only hope they don't think that after all this, they stand a chance of getting in on the ground floor of any reconstruction, nation-building, Marshall Plan, or accolades that would ensue in the event of a successful overthrow of Saddam. They can go pound salt.

I only have this to say in defense of the duplicitous pointy-mustache farmers: any nation that can invent bearnaise sauce can't be all bad. Mmmmmm........creamy.......