Did I say that on the outside?

While sorting through old files in the Ministry Bunker, Catastraphorium, Grill House and Archive, I ran across this gem:

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with curly black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. When he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers......

"Iron this."

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Small Vestigial Wings

I think this is my all time favorite Letterman Top Ten list: Orville Redenbacher's Top 10 Most Horrifying Secrets

10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime companion."
9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times.
8. He was raised by white mice.
7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli.
6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler elves.
5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy-Pop factory.
4. Two words: Asian escorts.
3. Has small vestigial wings.
2. Likes to wear pants 3 sizes too large, go to malls, and then say, "Oops!" whenever they fall down.
1. That ain't butter.

[wik] My other favorite top ten list is from the Onion:

image

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

Oh yes I am too God

Top 10 Signs You're Not God

10. You've got combination skin.
9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24).
8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways.
7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss and foul up his automatic sprinkler system.
6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage.
5. God doesn't have a hair weave.
4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy.
3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting arrested.
2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days.
1. You wouldn't be living in Waco.

I could still be God.

[wik] Top Ten List from David Letterman, sometime in the early nineties.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

You are here

This series of maps from the Atlas of the Universe will do nothing if not give you a little perspective on things. It reminds me of when I was a kid, and I'd start wrtiting my address, and just adding to it:

Me
315 Longview Rd.
Medina, Oh
United States
North America
Earth
Solar System
Orion Spur
Perseus Arm
Milky Way Galaxy
Local Supergroup
Universe

Here, for your convenience, is a map of the the local terrain:

You are here

[wik] Thanks to Geeklethal for pointing this out.

[alsø wik] You'll really want to click on the picture for a bigger, clearer version.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 5

Smell the glove

A fascinating look at the inner workings of Google.

[wik] I have no clear understanding of why I titled this post as I did.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Hello Mr. 100-foot Wave

Scientists have recently (this millennia) come to the conclusion that large rogue waves do, in fact exist.

Over the centuries, many accounts have told of monster waves that battered and sank ships. In 1933 in the North Pacific, the Navy oiler Ramapo encountered a huge wave. The crew, calm enough to triangulate from the ship’s superstructure, estimated its height at 112 feet.

In 1966, the Italian cruise ship Michelangelo was steaming toward New York when a giant wave tore a hole in its superstructure, smashed heavy glass 80 feet above the waterline, and killed a crewman and two passengers. In 1978, the München, a German barge carrier, sank in the Atlantic. Surviving bits of twisted wreckage suggested that it surrendered to a wave of great force.

Despite such accounts, many oceanographers were skeptical. The human imagination tended to embellish, they said.

Moreover, bobbing ships were terrible reference points for trying to determine the size of onrushing objects with any kind of accuracy. Their mathematical models predicted that giant waves were statistical improbabilities that should arise once every 10,000 years or so.

That began to change on New Year’s Day in 1995, when a rock-steady oil platform in the North Sea produced what was considered the first hard evidence of a rogue wave. The platform bore a laser designed to measure wave height. During a furious storm, it registered an 84-foot giant.

Then, in February 2000, a British oceanographic research vessel fighting its way through a gale west of Scotland measured titans of up to 95 feet, “the largest waves ever recorded by scientific instruments,” seven researchers wrote in the journal Geophysical Research Letters.

It's an interesting article in its own right, but I was struck by the similarity to the scientific establishment's resistance to the idea that rocks might fall from the skies. The words meteorology and meteorite describe the study of weather and extraplanetary debris falling to earth. The reason the names are so similar is that scientists refused to believe, for decades and despite the evidence, that the rocks that fell were anything but atmospheric phenomena.

How will we get to the singularity with such stubborn researchers? And indeed, one might ask, "Why do they hate the rogue waves' freedom? Sailors have been reporting these waves for centuries. But oceanographers told them, "Silly seamen, our models say that a wave like you describe could only happen once in ten thousand years. And you already reported one. So you must be lying. Your ship must have sank due to pilot error." The power of what you know you know is for most people inescapable. Like an overactive spam filter, we reject those parts of reality that fail to match our model of reality. Truly, acceptance of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom. Hey, maybe we don't know everything about oceans. What if - just sayin, now, what if there really were big honking waves? Five years later, you've got the beginnings of a warning system and a deeper understanding.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 5

Crazy Swedes

You'd have to be at least a little crazy to invent this. It is however, strangely entrancing.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

Putting The Mental In Fundamentalism

Georgia.

  • Putting The Mental In Fundamentalism
  • Gateway to Florida
  • Not quite the same since Sherman
  • At least we're not New Jersey
  • Where Ned Beatty squealed like a pig
  • Confederate money welcome
  • We're like the New York of the South
  • Eat a Peach
  • Wisdom, Justice, and Moderation, my ass
  • Mostly Rednecks 'round These Parts
  • Land of the unfree, Home of the Braves
  • We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
  • Proud home of outstanding human beings James Earl Carter, Jim Brown, Ty Cobb and Doc Holliday
  • We hate Ted Turner, too
  • Come for the humidity, stay for the intolerance and traffic jams

[wik] Bonus slogans!

  • Giving infantrymen heatstroke since 1918
  • Like summer in Maine, but with fewer gnats
  • Well, Savannah's nice...
  • 1/5 of COPs episodes filmed here!
  • If you're here for Freaknik, take a right and head for Galveston
  • To paraphrase Thomas Sowell: no A/C, no Atlanta
  • On the banks of the mighty Chattahoochee
  • Home of Jimmy Carter - Our practical joke on the country
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2