Under Construction

We're moving into the home stretch in the Ministry series, "Alternate but less tasteful slogans for states we hate." On deck is Pennsylvania, a state which reached its zenith of importance in 1787 and has been on an ever-steeper downward trend since. On a personal note, I would like to express my deep and abiding hatred and contempt for all things Pennsylvania: from Pittsburgh and its sports franchises, to the arrogance of the Amish, to the bumpy, constraining and ever-under-repair roads with their less than courteous state troopers, and finally its sullen squareness. I sincerely wish that someone would decide to extend I-68 further west to connect with I-77, so that I would never have to drive through it again. But enough about me, let's rip on PA:

  • Under Construction
  • We'll huff, and we'll puff, and our cops will burn your house down
  • Pennsylvania Speed Limit Still 65 mph
  • Cook With Coal
  • Founded in 1681 by wackos
  • Not to be confused with Dracula's home
  • The Oil, Ketchup, Coal, Steel, and Chocolate State
  • Worth two beaver pelts a year in 1681; that's 57 cents in today's currency
  • Pennsylvania. Nice.
  • We're smoldering for YOU.
  • Where only the girls are horsey
  • Come see the charming, primitive Amish, who by comparison make the rest of Pennsylvania look advanced.
  • If we can't be trusted with the Liberty Bell, what can we be trusted with?
  • Training place of the secret Amish armies
  • Beware the Giant Bell-Cracking Industrial Complex
  • Three headed fish are tasty
  • Keystonecopia
  • Come For the Gritty Slums, Stay for the Abandoned Steel Mills
  • With goats, all things are possible
  • Where New Jersey Shits
  • We've got the city of brotherly love! No, not that kind of love you pervert
  • At least we’re not Utah. But we’re trying.
  • The Peace through Invisible Lines State
  • You want fries on that?
  • Don’t hit the buggies. Amish are a violent people
  • It was so bad in the eighties, Billy Joel wrote a song about us
  • Gateway to Youngstown
  • Our biggest accomplishment is to fit a five thousand mile long highway into a state only 283 miles wide
  • Between the inbreeding and the radiation, a sportsman's paradise
  • How about some Pierogies and Fanta?
  • Shoofly pie is not made of flies
  • TMI: It means something else here.
  • Birthplace of the turnpike. That will be $82, please
  • Recriminations aside, we’d love to have you visit
  • Merge Right
  • Our cops love C4
  • It's still Nig-a-ria to us.
  • How would you like a bullet with your Chianti?
  • Poconos, for the best hot sheets motels east of the Mississippi
  • Because we're so much better than Manhattan
  • Scrapple, it’s not just a food, it’s a lifestyle
  • Three Mile Island: It’s no Chernobyl!
  • Free lube job with oil change
  • Perfect Tensylvania
  • Proud birthplace of Stephen Fucking Foster
  • No, we don’t dress like the guy on the oatmeal canister.
  • Secret Chocolate Rivers tended by murderous dwarves
  • Keys aren't made of stone, asshole
  • The nougatty center of a Maryland/New York muffin log
  • Home of the Other Turnpike
  • Diesel fuel makes asphalt last longer. Really.
  • Someday, all of the Benjamin Franklin impersonators will fight all of the Mark Twain impersonators, flooding valleys and destroying whole towns in their wake, until nothing is left. That battle will take place in Carlisle, PA

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Joe Biden would like to speak to you

Joe Biden was born a poor black sharecropper in Scranton, PA. From an early age, little Joe made a name for himself by copying the work of others. This talent served him well until, in the 1988 presidential campaign, he was caught on tape repeating nearly verbatim a speech written by British Labor Party magnate Neil Kinnock. Along with some shenanigans from his law school days, wrapped up in a vicious little ad package by his Democratic opponent Michael Dukakis, Biden’s proclivity for plagiarism dropped him from the race.

In the intervening twenty years, Joe Biden has remained a long serving senator from an inconsequential state. He has slowly moved his way into the leadership of the Senate, and gained a reputation for loving the sound of his own voice. That Joe should be marked, even among other politicians for this quality is a stunning achievement. Like a professional hockey team saying, yeah, but that guy really likes to skate.

Joe Biden once took over twelve minutes to ask a question of Supreme Court nominee Alito. A five minute speech can last as long as a half hour – as Barrack Obama found to his dismay. He can take five minutes just to say hello. As Barrack Obama also discovered, Joe Biden will keep talking when a wiser man would stop. Biden, in describing his competitors, made this frighteningly stupid remark about Obama:

“I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy,” he said. “I mean, that’s a storybook, man.”

As many noted during the plagiarism flap two decades ago, it’s not so much that he said something that could be interpreted as racist, or that he gave a speech that was danger close to one given by a British politician. It’s the stupidity that it implies. Decades of political experience should, one would hope, instruct the candidate to avoid these mistakes. That it has not is worrisome at best.

About Joe Biden’s anti-Coolidgeness, columnist Richard Cohen had this to say:

“The only thing standing between Joe Biden and the presidency is his mouth. That, though, is no small matter. It is a Himalayan barrier, a Sahara of a handicap, a summer's day in Death Valley, a winter's night at the pole (either one) -- an endless list of metaphors intended to show you both the immensity of the problem and to illustrate it with the op-ed version of excess. This, alas, is Joe Biden…

The tragedy is that Biden, who is running for president, is a much better man and senator than these accounts would suggest. But his tendency, his compulsion, his manic-obsessive running of the mouth has become the functional equivalent of womanizing or some other character weakness that disqualifies a man for the presidency. It is his version of corruption, of alcoholism, of a fierce temper or vile views -- all the sorts of things that have crippled candidates in the past. It is, though, an innocent thing, as good-humored as the man and of no real policy consequence. It will merely stunt him politically.”

Not knowing when to shut up is a central indicator of foolishness, vanity, or cluelessness. Or all of these things. More than almost any of our 100 senators, Joe Biden does not know when to stop flapping his mouth.

Now it is early in the campaign, but I fear that like many other candidates doomed in the past to fall by the wayside, Joe Biden has no real reason to be President. This is not to say that the man is possessed of an overreaching ambition, not at all. Joe Biden is the long service bureaucratic placeholder who, after thirty years of service wants his GS-14 and reserved parking place. And like that retired in place civil servant, there is no good reason for that promotion save for seniority and a species of political inertia. In the words of the political satire, Happy Gilmore, “It’s Shooter’s turn.”

I have looked at Joe’s campaign website. There are any number of statements that can be interpreted with a generous eye as indicative of a coherent policy. But I’m not feeling generous. Joe Biden believes that there is a global economy, and that America has a role in it. Joe Biden believes that the United States, as the world’s most powerful nation, must take a leadership role in limiting or eliminating every factor that has made us the most powerful nation in the world.

There is a curious circularity to his policy positions as described on his website. For “Jobs” the key factors are energy policy and health care. For “Health Care” its jobs, econmy and using electronic records in hospitals. For “Energy” Joe Biden believes that energy policy is the center of both foreign and economic policy. Since all the oil is under where crazy people live, we should do without and invest in solar cars. And for “Climate Change” we should do without, invest in solar cars, and trade not emitting greenhouse gases.

Though energy is the center of our foreign policy, Joe Biden believes that NATO should impose a “No-Fly” zone over Darfur. He is particularly bold in calling for this even if the Sudanese don’t approve.

In short, what we the electorate have in Joe Biden is a time-serving motor mouth with a nice haircut. The next logical step in Joe Biden’s public service career is to move to the White House. However, Joe Biden has never held any sort of executive power beyond managing his Senatorial staff. Joe Biden has never exhibited any evidence of mastery of any complicated (even nuanced) policy matter. And most important to us, he has never demonstrated the ability or desire to ever shut the fuck up.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

On government-mandated actions

However well intended, however laboriously justified, if you look closely enough, you'll often find that the results of grand government plans don't always match the rhetoric. Or worse, that the rhetoric was, well, bullshit.

Take, for instance, the recent goofy shift in the timing for switching back to Daylight Saving Time. From Brad Feld's blog, "Feld Thoughts", have a look at his initial take on the DST firedrill just recently encountered, if not endured, by Americans. Mr. Feld said:

I wrote a post on March 12th titled Daylight Savings Time is Stupid. A bunch of people agreed with me, but some didn’t, suggesting that (a) I was missing the point and it was more fun to have light at night than in the morning or (b) the “authorities” insisted that we’d get GDP gains, (c) there would be big energy savings helping save the world, and (d) restaurants and stores would make more money due to sunny night shopping. Oh – and I also learned DST = daylight saving time, not “savings.”

After the event, about which a manageable but still non-trivial amount of media ink was spilt warning us of the second coming of Y2K (and ignoring completely, or being so misinformed as not to have known, what a complete non-event that was in the real world), Mr. Feld checked in with one of his colleagues, "Ross the IT guy", for a real-life opinion on the matter.

A minute spent viewing "Comments on Daylight Saving Time from an IT Guy" provides clear, if not definitive, proof that it was all a waste of time. An excerpt highlighting variance between dreams and reality:

DST change (Daylight Savings Time) has made no difference in national energy consumption and probably cost us more than it saved in lost productivity.

Big shock, that. No net effect, based on several sources with which Ross, the IT guy, checked.

Since we are all home the same amount of time we're all pretty much using the same amount of energy.

It seems so obvious in retrospect that you'd think it would have been just as obvious in prospect.

There is, I should note, a dissenting comment on Feld's blog. It's backed by nothing, of course, and refers to "volumes of research on this area, it's not just politicians spouting off", but I remain unconvinced this was anything but a complete waste of time. The cost to update all the systems required to put the change into effect was a one-time cost, and won't be repeated through all future cycles from standard to daylight saving time. But the benefits, unlike the costs, seem ephemeral at best, and non-existent at worst, and I'll continue to believe that until it's credibly reported to be otherwise. I haven't seen any stories claiming savings, and have seen several, in addition to Mr Feld's, claiming the opposite.

It reminds me of another current hot-button issue, about which many folks clamor for immediate action without having scientifically, accurately, or definitively assessed the cost of inaction, or the benefits of action. Or, failing that as an impossibility, admitting that those same costs and benefits are about as quantifiable as the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin.

But I'll spare you any further flogging of that particular horse, since I expect Minister Buckethead will soon be doing that job better than I can. Stay tuned.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

Best description ever of Dan Brown's writing style?

Found on Digg Spy, as the most intelligent comment on a story entitled "Tom Hanks signs on to Angels & Demons for Record Payout?".

Now, mind you, it came after a bunch of comments about how Angels & Demons was far superior to the Da Vinci Code. Which is absurd, as it's like comparing runny shit to smelly shit. Who knows which was actually worse? Who cares? They both (the books, not the types of shit) served a purpose, namely to be throw-away airport reading purchases, which is precisely how I came to read them both.

Anyway, the comment linked above, from Dumbledorito, reads, in its entirety:

A&D has a plot so linear you could put your eye out with it. Plus, it has an antimatter bomb (WTF?) and will probably piss off even more Catholics. The ending was more improbable than the Pope having been a former ping-pong champion, and lastly, if you're going to make a movie about the Illuminati, it should be based on the works of Robert Anton Wilson.

Sorry to rant. I just didn't care for it. It was also another "scholar wet dream" film as the bookish nerd-professor gets the hot chick thanks to his esoteric knowledge of an obscure subject.

Yeah, like s/he said.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 4

Manatee threat growing in Florida

It seems that the first annual Ministry Manatee Hunt and Barbecue, while a roaring success, was not quite roaringly successful enough. It seems that the total number of Manatees is on the rise, and some are even talking of removing the dread sea cow from the endangered list. Back in '91, the manatee census revealed that there were 1261 of the beasties skulking about in the waters of Florida. The most recent census tallies 2,812 of the critters. Which means that despite killing over 400 and donating the meat to soup kitchens and homeless shelters, we still have not been able to even reduce, let alone eliminate, the population of manatees. It seems that we will have to redouble our efforts, and institute a semi-annual Ministry Manatee Hunt and Barbecue.

[wik] We discovered that a dry rub barbecue works best with the well marbled manatee steaks. Add a nice hefeweizen, some corn on the cob, and you're in heaven.

[alsø wik] For GeekLethal, a pic of the perfect Manatee huntin' rifle, the Barrett M82:

image

[alsø alsø wik] For everyone else, this charming story about the M82.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Aggressive pursuits, legal and otherwise

If you happened to pick up a copy of today's issue of USA Today, you could find a story entitled "Katrina claims stagger corps". You could find the same thing if, as happened to me, you saw it on a newswire, and thus didn't have to trouble yourself with purchasing the paper, with its sometimes-difficult-to-stomach format and voice. (n.b. - not it's opinion voice, but the clipped, short attention span voice they seem to choose for their stories, often resulting in news that, while it's neither more nor less accurate than anywhere else, didn't get the name "McNews" for nothing)

The story's key points are a bit breathtaking - New Orleans is seeking $77 billion in restitution and Louisiana's attorney general wants $200 billion.

New Orleans and Louisiana, swamped when the city's storm protections failed during Hurricane Katrina, demand the federal government pay a damage bill that is more than double the entire cost of the massive Gulf Coast rebuilding effort.

So many claims have been filed against the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers that the agency needs at least another month even to tally the floor-to-ceiling stacks, spokesman Vic Harris says.

{...}

Those two alone are more than double the $110 billion Congress approved for Florida and the Gulf Coast after Katrina and two other hurricanes struck in 2005.

(ellipsis mine) Ouch.

The story, having specifically listed the amounts above sought by New Orleans and the state itself, goes on to elaborate:

New Orleans and Louisiana seek broad requests for costs after Katrina but don't list specific damages.

The great thing about suing for damages, from a defendant's point of view, is that the damages do have to be enumerated. In addition, any mitigation already provided will have to be taken into account, and surely the federal government's $110 billion so far approved must have contained some funds which have been applied against such damages.

There's also the sticky matter of shared responsibility. Particularly in the case of New Orleans, the actions taken and omitted by Mayor Nagin and his government in the aftermath of the hurricane would imply competence at some small fraction of anything the Corps might have exhibited. In any event, it's going to be a royal mess to sort out.

Luckily, there's an attorney involved, so don't you worry; this should all end up right as rain:

Homeowners could seek damages of an additional $200 billion or more, says Jerrold Parker, a lawyer whose firm is trying to organize a class-action suit against the corps.

"Just looking at the place, it's clear that there's tremendous damage," he says. "The fact is, everyone knew the protections were inadequate."

{...}

The corps must either pay or reject each of the claims. Those whose claims are rejected can take the agency to court. Parker says his firm represents more than 3,000 people who want to sue.

(ellipsis, again, mine) For the record, “Just looking at the place, it’s clear that there’s tremendous damage” doesn't count as "enumeration of damages". He also presumes, of course, that his 3,000 clients' claims and the contingent fees he hopes to glom from them are all in addition to the generous amounts sought by the various government agencies. This doesn't even pass the "red face test", let alone the "giggle test".

Left undiscussed in the story is the rationale by which the government and its agencies are liable for failing to provide absolute and flawless protection for flooding in, say, New Orleans.

A city that lies "5-10 feet below sea level". On the same page linked just left, you will see that...

The Army Corps of Engineers verifies that the New Orleans area has 325 miles of Congressionally authorized hurricane protection including: Westbank (66 miles); New Orleans to Venice, La. (87 miles); LaRose, La to Golden Meadow, La. (40 miles); Grande Isle, La. (7 miles); Lake Pontchartrain and vicinity (125 miles).

...but Mother Nature doesn't pay much attention to the Army Corps, let alone (just like the rest of us) to Congress.

Bad things happen to good cities. They also happen to New Orleans, which is not now, nor has it been in the past, a "good city". It's a truly unique city, and a very interesting one, but neither of those connotes goodness. While less, or at least differently, so than in the past, due to the effects of the hurricane, it's still a bit of a cesspool.

It's cops are notoriously and blatantly corrupt. They've had more than their fair share of murderers wearing the uniform, too. And, aside from the murder, that's just the cops - the elected politicians are no better. William Jefferson, he of the refrigerated cash, is a stellar example of this breed, but hardly the only one.

But it doesn't stop there. From the Autumn, 2005 issue of the City Journal:

The second job is less obvious. New Orleans’s immutable civic shame, before and after Katrina, is not racism, poverty, or inequality, but murder—a culture of murder so vicious and so pervasive that it terrorizes and numbs the whole city.

In 2003, New Orleans’s murder rate was nearly eight times the national average—and since then, murder has increased. In 2002 and 2003, New Orleans had the highest per capita city homicide rate in the United States, with 59 people killed per year per 100,000 citizens—compared to New York City’s seven. New Orleans is a New York with nearly 5,000 murders a year—an unlivable place. The city’s economy has sputtered over the past generation partly because local and state officials have failed to do the most elementary job of government: to secure the personal safety of citizens.

And then there's the race card, described in the same article:

In the aftermath of the storm, hand-wringers wondered why they hadn’t noticed before that so many American blacks live in Third World conditions—supposedly only because they’re black. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer voiced white America’s knee-jerk best: “You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals. . . . So many of these people, almost all of them that we see, are so poor, and they are so black,” he mused on the air.

But Americans didn’t notice this before because it’s not true. Despite the president’s rhetoric, and despite those indelible images from the Superdome and the Convention Center, New Orleans is just as much a black success story as a black failure story.

Yes, New Orleans has a 28 percent poverty rate, and yes, New Orleans is 67 percent black. But nearly two-thirds of New Orleans’s blacks aren’t poor.

Yes, it’s true that nearly 25 percent of New Orleans’s families live on less than $15,000 a year, according to the 2000 Census. But 19 percent of New York’s families live on less than $15,000—and it’s much more expensive for poor people to live in New York, making them poorer.

New Orleans itself, its attorneys, and their clients, even more so than the state of Louisiana, appear to be trying to make their myriad problems those of all their fellow U.S. citizens. Simultaneously claiming poverty and race-based neglect from the federal government along with dismay at how wretched the city is now, ignoring that it's pretty much always been wretched, they're going for the gusto.

Or trying to.

It seems unlikely that, once the mess of layered claims, some bogus, some inflated, and some already addressed by insurance or other government single- double- or triple-handouts, is parsed, the extent of damage related to the breach of the levee system might be anywhere near crystal clear.

Add to that the absurdity of expecting guarantees from anyone, government or not, of protection against the weather, it becomes easier to hazard a guess as to what the outcome of this might be. I expect that the Army Corps, and by extension, all U.S. taxpayers, will be absolved of the imaginary financial responsibility that the plaintiffs in these cases are trying to foist off onto us.

(also posted at issuesblog.com)

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 0

The Prettiest President

Welcome to the Ministry of Minor Perfidy's series Meet Your Candidates!

With the 2008 Presidential season already in full swing, it is important that interested voters be out in front of the ever-evolving cast of characters vying for a place at the big table. With that mandate in mind (man-date... isn't that a little gay? Someone find out where Brownback stands on mandates!), we here at the Ministry will be profiling each of the very early candidates for the 2008 Presidential election over the next few weeks for your general edification and amusement. With such an absurdly long and diverse cast of characters (from Tancredo to Kucinich), it's hard to know who's for real and who's just a white shirt stuffed with ambition and the souls of dozens of big donors. We're here to help.

I myself will be profiling the following contenders: US Congressman and composting enthusiast Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), Former Massachusetts Governer and yachting type Mitt Romney, former Saturday Night Live host and Mayor of 9/11, excuse me, New York City Mayor Rudy 9/11 Guiliani, retired General and George Clooney stunt-double Wesley Clark, former fatty and the other Man from H.O.P.E., Arkansas Governer Mike Huckabee, and Savior Made Flesh Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

First, some little known facts about your candidates:

The combined candlepower of Romney's, Edwards', and Obama's smiles could provide enough energy to power Bangladesh for a full day. Obama has produced a white paper exploring this phenomenon as a practical solution to Southeast Asia's energy crisis.

Places you could safely hide all the candidates: Mitt Romney's hair; Newt Gingrich's self-regard; Bill Clinton's ballsack (with room to spare).

Of all the candidates, Mike Huckabee has the sweetest smell.

WTC 7 did not collapse, as widely believed, due to damage sustained in the collapse of WTC 1 and 2. Neither was it deliberately demolished by Jews, the CIA or the Trilateral Commission. Rather, it collapsed when Rudy Guiliani, in the heat of his 9/11 crisis-management mode, roundhouse kicked it for being, as he tells it "goddamn insolent."

Newt Gingrich once gave a homeless man $20 to dance for him.

Sam Brownback's safe word is "peaches."

John McCain once carried a litter of wolf pups to term and nursed them to adulthood after accidentally killing their mother while hunting in the Rockies.

Dennis Kucinich is a top-notch shooting guard, especially dangerous from the high post.

Tom Tancredo broke up with his first high-school girlfriend for ordering a burrito for lunch.

Barack Obama has only one kidney. The other currently belongs to a Guatemalan orphan named Paco.

Fred Thompson has repeatedly sought counseling for uncontrollable rages. Onlookers mistake for avuncular pauses the times when he must take a moment to master his urge to crush his coffee mug into dust and, as his children put it, "Hulk out."

Rudy Guiliani practices "Hulking out" in the mirror nightly before bed.

First, let's meet the stormin' Mormon, the man with the million-dollar smile and perfect hair, former Massachusetts Governer Willard "Mitt" Romney.

The first thing to remember about Mitt Romney is that he's a second-generation politician, his father being the Michigan Governor, HUD Secretary, American Motors chairman, Presidential candidate and victim of Asian brainwashing, George W. Romney. It is an iron law of American politics that talent is not cross-generational, and it is this warning that should shape America's perception of Romney. Witness such prodigies of witlessness as John Quincy Adams (a strong contender for our worst President of all time), and George Walker Bush (ditto?) - parental ambition and a childhood familiarity with the political world are no substitute for actual talent, integrity, and all the other bullshit that should be for real but isn't that goes on yard signs during election season.

(And before we go any farther, let us stop a moment to wonder if, after eight years of '70s-era Harvard MBA leadership from son-of-a-politician George W. Bush, we want four to eight more years of '70s-era Harvard MBA son-of-a-politician leadership from Mitt. Call me crazy, but that particular, shall we say 'strategery,' hasn't worked out quite as well as might be hoped so far.)

Anyway, back to the facts... Mitt Romney's biggest claims to fame, prior to his election as GOV, were as head of Bain Capital (where he oversaw a wildly successful run of 113% yearly growth) and as CEO of the 2002 Olympics.

Like other candidates with a business background, Romney claims that this experience makes him an ideal fit for the managerial demands of the Presidency. Truth be told, I'd place more trust in my local School Board chairman to run the United States then a CEO. Note to all hopefuls: Presidents can't fire anybody, restructure or spin off any of the fifty operating divisions, or attempt LBOs of rival firms by way of entrenching market share, and the shareholders and entrenched interests are notoriously tetchy. When Germany stops importing American-made goods in protest of a new policy, there isn't anything in any HBS Case Study (not even PeoplePower, Inc.) to help you power through the issue. Frankly, a turnaround specialist is the worst person to step into control of what is still the most powerful and stable economy the world has ever seen - why fix what ain't broke on that level?

As for his Olympic experience, see above regarding the fitness of CEOs for the Big Seat, and add to this the mistaken equivalence between mediating among the two hundred nations participating in a multinational sporting event and engaging in trilateral talks with North Korea, China and Japan about just where Pyongyang is thinking about landing those nukes that are achieving apogee right about... nnnnnnow.

From the moment of his election to GOV in 2002, Romney openly telegraphed his intention to look past the job to bigger and better things. He was a johnny-come-lately carpetbagger with the air of a Republican in search of a state to win, in order to get that on his resume ASAP. While in office, he openly mocked the people of Massachusetts (as in a 2005 appearance in South Carolina). He practically disappeared from public view, emerging only to pick losing fights with entrenched state interests, to chime in on hot-button issues, or to howl for the heads of Turnpike Commission authorities whenever the Big Dig sprung a leak or killed anyone. If there's any justice in this world, Mitt will be branded a bigger "flip-flopper" than his Bay State nemesis, John Kerry. Mitt was against gay marriage before he was for it, and then against it again, for abortion choice and stem-cell research before he declared that life begins at conception, a lifelong hunter who has hunted once or twice, and against big-government mandates before he passed the nation's first state-funded universal health care scheme.

Truth is, nothing is as important to Mitt Romney as politics itself. As I recently wrote in a comment,

Mitt Romney is a mealy-mouthed walking haircut, an empty suit whose political instincts to find the nearest camera and beam into it are as acute and uncontrollable as a dog in frantic search of a leg to hump.

As governor of Massachusetts (and let’s not forget that getting elected governor of Massachusetts as a Republican hasn’t been any kind of feat since Bill Weld in 1992) he did, well, practically nothing. He lost most of the big showdowns, and tied the rest. Billy Bulger retired from the Senate to take a sinecure of equal if more subtle power as head of UMass. The turnpike commission smacked him around like a skinny third-grader. The state’s finances failed to improve measurably by any standard. Although he didn’t actively *hurt* the state, Romney showed absolutely no spark, no genius for leadership, nothing indeed except for a genius for pandering to whatever audience was in front of him at the time. I don’t give a rat’s ass that he’s a Mormon. What matters is that he thinks failing to outmaneuver the Massachusetts Turnpike Commission qualifies him to enter into deep negotiation with Iran (not to mention Senate Democrats).

Next time you see Mitt in front of a camera, look for two things: a statement that exactly contradicts something he said in the past, with no apology or acknowledgement, and that slightly spastic bending-over thing that men in suits do when they need to surreptitiously move a raging erection from one side of the zipper to the other.

Mitt Romney is the worst possible Republican candidate for President, aside from all the others. He is a big-government moral conservative who readily panders to more libertine interests when it's convenient to poll ratings, a smug and overtrained businessman whose governance playbook consists of scribbled quotes from "7 Habits of Highly Successful People," Bain Capital annual reports from the Reagan era, and headshots of himself, and a foreign-policy novice whose positions at this point seem reducible to five words: "I agree with the President."

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Patent infringement excitement

Not for the first time, the technology world has a do-or-die patent judgment hanging over its head - "Judge grants partial stay in Vonage patent case"

The last such major drama was a bit more than a year ago, in the case of NTP v. Research in Motion (RIM), related to the Blackberry remote messaging service and its infringement of patents held by a patent licensing firm. In that instance, much of RIM's effort before ultimately reaching settlement was dedicated to contesting the patents. During late 2005 and early 2006, there were many stories of successful challenges to NTPs patents, as reported here, here, and here, as well as myriad other places.

In that last linked story, one of the two primary crutches on which the losers of patent infringement cases regularly lean was described like so:

More bad news for we-don't-actually-make-anything NTP in their long legal dispute with RIM — the US patent office just made a "first office action" rejecting the validity of the last of eight NTP patents they were reviewing, five of which were at the heart of the RIM patent infringement suit.

Another of the crutches is the all-too-common complaint that the Department of Commerce’s United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) provides patents far too willingly, either for inventions that are obvious or trivial and thus not patentable or already widely known in the public domain prior to the patent filing. Disclosure of presumptively patentable inventions prior to first filing with the USPTO makes them ineligible for protection, in many cases, and certainly, disclosure by someone other than the patent applicant is strong indication that the invention fails the to surmount the hurdles regarding triviality and uniqueness.

Notwithstanding successful defense of patents widely considered invalid, like Amazon's patent for "one-click" technology in internet commerce, dissenters regularly continue the argument, both generally (as with DNA patents in the comment linked to the ledt) and related to specific patents like Amazon's.

In the case of NTP v. RIM, RIM had hoped to obtain reversals on all NTP-owned patents it had been judged guilty of violating. RIM ran out of time, and had to pay the piper, even though every single patent at the heart of the case had, by crunch time, been provisionally revoked. This was clearly an unfortunate, and arguably an unfair, result for RIM stockholders.

In the current case, Vonage was granted the temporary right to continue using the patents at issue, but not to use them in providing services to new customers. Vonage, predictably, was disappointed by this:

Roger Warin, a lawyer for Vonage, said the partial stay amounted to "cutting off oxygen and a bullet to the head" of the company.

And, given stronger finances, it seems possible that Vonage, like RIM before it, might attempt a blocking or delaying tactic while attempting to have the patents overturned.

But Vonage (they of the "shaky finances", both before and after their IPO) isn't RIM (they who, even if they perhaps shouldn't have needed to pay NTP, weren't mortally damaged by the battle). And Verizon isn't NTP. It's bigger, of course, but the technology underlying the patents at issue wasn't purchased, to my knowledge, but was instead actually invented by Verizon. Even under the arguably silly (silly because patents, like other property, can be bought and sold) stance that NTP didn't really deserve the patent protection it used to win the case, Verizon is a whole different breed of cat, possessor of many patents, quite familiar with the process of acquiring and protecting them, and to which such an argument doesn't apply. Any attempts to invalidate its patents seem likely to be a hard battle, with at best an uncertain outcome for the challenger.

While "a bullet to the head" and "cutting off oxygen" seems less likely to guarantee instant death than a bullet to the lungs and cutting off its head would be, Vonage, as Mr. Warin said, is in deep trouble as a result of the only-partial stay of the patent infringement judgment. Inability to acquire new customers will be their death knell, given a business model that's predicated, still, on market share growth instead of financial results.

Breathy claims, made during the initial trial, that they had alternative technology that could be used instead ring hollow for me, and were interesting for public- and customer-relations, but are not operative in a real world where new customers must coexist with old, and where implementing any sort of new technology, especially for a customer base far larger than the company's service quality seems to merit, would be like performing open heart surgery in the bed of a pickup truck going 90 mph on a rough road.

Good riddance to a company that's often treated its customers rather cavalierly? Perhaps not. But as a happy-to-be-ex-customer, I think it's more likely than not.

[wik] The more things change, the less they stay the same:
(5:47 PM ET Apr 6, 2007)
"Vonage receives stay, can continue signing up new customers".

SAN FRANCISCO (MarketWatch) -- Vonage Holdings Corp. said late Friday it has received a stay from a federal court in Washington, D.C., allowing it to continue to sign up new customers. Earlier Friday a judge the same court issued a ruling barring Vonage from signing up new customers, because Vonage in March had been found to infringe on patents owned by Verizon Communications Inc.

Apparently, Vonage used the "Oooooh! You're killin'me" defense. So I guess we'll just see.

Posted by Patton Patton on   |   § 8

How do I say this nicely?

I just don't know. So let me put it plainly.

If you want to hit on a girl, don't spit on her. If you want to try and get a girl interested in what you have to say, don't punctuate your diction with spittle.

I went out last night and there's always that overeager guy. He's dominating the dancefloor and thinks he's just a funboy extraordinaire. He IS the party.

He is THAT guy too. You all know him. He knows all the words. He can tell you what albums they're from. He knows what year they were released and the who was TIME's Man of the Year cover that year.

Well sweaty, nasty, Mr. Life of the Party, I just had effing surgery. I don't really feeling like throwing down, so please don't try to talk to me and get me to shake my moneymaker on the dancefloor. Take a hint. I didn't take to your invitation the first time. Did you have to come back for a second and third? Did you have to get to the point where a bouncer had to ask me if you were being creepy? Just quit being creepy the first time. Nothing has changed in 3 minutes, no matter if Sisters of Mercy just started playing and that's THE shirt I'm wearing.

Yes, you almost drove me out of the club, while one of my DJ acquaintances was in the middle of an amazing set. If I was interested in the power trip of having you tossed out, I would have done it. But in my mellow old age, I just run from you, the walking biohazard.

Posted by Mapgirl Mapgirl on   |   § 5