perfidy

Robert Alt, writing for National Review Online, asks, "Is Federalism Conservative"? Good question. Though Alt is writing about attempts by lefties to block Bush judicial appointees on the grounds that they are Federalists ("for states' rights") and therefore Conservative, he addresses some larger issues adeptly.

If you're too lazy to click through and read the story, here's my short version: "NO, NOT NECESSARILY."

Comprehensive as it may be, I would like to add my two cents to buckethead's very potent 22-item top-five list.

• William Gibson-Neuromancer (plus Count Zero and Mona Lisa Overdrive)
• Philip K. Dick- A Scanner Darkly
• Dick- The Man In The High Castle
• Bruce Sterling- Islands In The Net
• Thomas Pynchon- Gravity's Rainbow
• David Brin- The Postman
• Isaac Asimov- I, Robot
• also... Stephenson- Snow Crash. Just to be thorough.

Some might argue that Gravity's Rainbow is not science fiction, being instead a turgid and pretentious turd laid by the biggest charlatan in English-language writing in the years between Joyce and Eggers. Those some are stupid people. It's fiction about science, and it kicks ass besides, so I'm fine with it. The Sterling book, by the way, is touchingly dated in its details. It was written just as computers and faxes were beginning to make speedy communication easier, and the book displays a strange-seeming reverence for and love of the fax machine.

The Federal Trade Commission just released a study which finds that approximately 96% of business-offer spams make false claims.

Two thoughts immediately leap to mind. First across the line is sorrow at the notion that the US Government needed to spend money on a study that, in the year 2003, concludes "In one way or another, a great deal of [spam] appears to contain important information that is false or deceptive."

Well, no shit.

Stumbling across the finish line in second place is an ardent desire to determine exactly which 4% of the penis enlargers, Nigerian royals, and lonely college chicks are not making false claims, thereby ensuring me a legendary future career in pornography, philanthropy, and philandering.

Everybody knows you can never be too rich, too thin, or too well-hung.

[pre-emptive update] I'd imagine Goodwife Two-Cents would like to have some input on this point, so I will forestall her most obvious objections by pointing out that a) You said it was OK last time, b) no, c) no, d) never!, e) only with your approval, and f) any money gained from Nigerian royalty would go straight to those poor exhibitionist college girls, who would then be able to afford a proper dating service, and could also perhaps buy themselves some self-respect. I love you, schmoopie.

[the above with apologies to many people, first among them, Geek Lethal.]

Not literally, but figuratively. Spending three days in the presence of Buckethead is apparently like having your brain sucked out through a straw. Maybe it was the tequila. No, it was probably driving through Connecticut twice in four days.

Worse, I am feeling EXACTLY NO urge to opine, pontificate, conjecture, or fulminate. I know what a terrible burthen I do carry, to be the sole light in the darknefs in which ye readers live. But not to worry, ye unwashed, as I wait for my hortatorial and difsertative prowefs to return from the far reaches of nowhere in particular. Perhaps I can moralize in the interim.

On occasion, our troops may pause to wonder, "Who were those guys we just killed?" To help in that query, I'm starting a new feature where my crack research staff find all the important information you need to know about America's enemies. Our first subject: the Iraqi Republican Guard

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE IRAQI REPUBLICAN GUARD:

* The Republican Guard are so well trained, that, in a one-on-one fight with U.S. ground troops, they can last into the tens of seconds.

* The Republican Guard is supported by tanks and other hardware that, according to U.S. military experts, are fun to blow up.

* The Republican Guard are dangerous if encountered by civilians. If you see a Republican Guard, do not run; this only provokes him. Instead, stand your ground and wave your arms in the air while yelling to scare him away.

* In a fight between the Republican Guard and Aquaman, the Republican Guard would win... unless Aquaman could somehow trick them into following him into the sea.

* The Republican Guard's only natural predator is the camel. It will spit in the eyes of a Republican Guard to blind him and then swallow him whole. The shark would be another natural predator… if only Aquaman were somehow able to trick the Republican Guard into following him into the sea.

* Though many Republican Guards dress up in burkas in the privacy of their own tents, that doesn't make them gay.

* The Republican Guard were a replacement for the less successful Iraqi Democrat Guard, who would try to whine and tax their enemies into submission. Eventually Saddam became too annoyed with them and had them executed.

From IMAO

This morning, I saw a man in a Hell's Angels jacket, using a walker.

A man in a very nice suit was standing outside a Starbucks with an empty cup. I put a quarter in his cup. He was sputtering when I turned the corner.

Overheard a small child pointing at some protestors and asking her mother, "What are the strange people doing?"

My mom asked me to give her a list of my favorite science fiction novels, so that she could read them. (Bless her. The only way my dad would read a science fiction novel is if I wrote it, and even then it's a toss up. (Too focused on history. Sheesh.)) So, here is the top five list I prepared for my mom:

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert Heinlein
Starship Troopers, by Robert Heinlein
Player of Games, by Iain Banks
The Stars My Destination, by Alfred Bester
Mote in God's Eye, by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle
The Dosadi Experiment, by Frank Herbert
Dune, by Frank Herbert
A Fire Upon the Deep, by Vernor Vinge
A Deepness in the Sky, by Vernor Vinge
Ender's Game, by Orson Scott Card
Diamond Age, by Neil Stephenson
Cryptonomicon, by Neil Stephenson
Sundiver, by David Brin
Startide Rising, by David Brin
Lest Darkness Fall, by L. Sprague de Camp
American Gods, by Neil Gaiman
Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
Mother of Storms, by John Barnes
Killing Star, by Charles Pellegrino and George Zebroski
Doorways in the Sand, by Roger Zelazny
The Greks Bring Gifts, by Murray Leinster
Pebble in the Sky, by Isaac Asimov
The City and the Stars, by Arthur C. Clark

There are probably a couple more, but that is the core of it. The two novels by Neil Gaiman are not strictly sf, but they are very, very good. I have never been able to narrow this list down, this is about as short as I can get it. My top five list, it is large, it contains multitudes.

[Update]

It was brought to my attention over the weekend that I had foolishly left a few deserving novels off the list:

Canticle for Liebowitz, by Walter Miller
Hyperion, by Dan Simmons
The Earth Abides, by George R. Stuart

I left Stephenson's Snow Crash off the list, despite the fact that I truly love the book, because I think the other two are better, and didn't want to load up too much on any one author.

PS, we are not luddites.

An old baseball joke: A manager says his team needs just two more players to become a pennant contender. But, he says, "The players are Ruth and Gehrig."

Iraq needs only four people to achieve post-Saddam success. Unfortunately they are George Washington, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton and John Marshall.

Now that is a pessimistic conservative take on the possibilities in Iraq.

Our beer-soaked, all night "strategic planning" sessions will only be attended by two thirds of the ruling troika.

Light/no posting for several days. Buckethead, put the beer on ice, lock up the dog, and childproof the terlets: the Two-Centses are coming for a visit!