perfidy

Scientists are once again contemplating the de-extinction of the Woolly Mammoth. We last saw our friends the mammoths at the end of the Pleistocene Epoch, when we exterminated them with fire and spear. Over the last 10,000 years, our technology has advanced somewhat, and our researchers have determined that the sperm in mammoths buried beneath the ice can, possibly, be used to bring the dead mammoth back to life. Using all the trickery and cunning evolved on the plains of ancient Africa, and refined through thousands of years of cutthroat competition, and further refined by half a millenium of science, we can now suck the mammoth junk from the frozen nads of dead mammoths, and inject them into the eggs of Asian Elephants. After enough tries, it is hoped that this will result in a fertilized mammoth/elephant chimera.

Sperm expert Narumi Ogonuki of the Institute of Physical and Chemical Research Bioresource Centre in Tsukuba, central Japan, has demonstrated that sperm better survives freezing if contained in its natural packaging, than all by itself. Sperm taken from whole mouse bodies that had been frozen 15 years earlier was still capable of fertilising mouse eggs and producing pups. This demonstrates, at least in principle, that mammalian sperm can survive in a body that has been frozen for several years. And that led the eggheads to the belief that sperm could survive for much longer periods, for example in millions of years dead mammoths frozen in the arctic permafrost.

When the egg is implanted into a willing and motherly female elephant (the asian elephant is believed to be a close genetic cousin to the deceased mammoths) we wait a year and a half and BANG! we've got a cute baby mammoth. Well, a bastard red-haired half mammoth. By repeating this process, and with some careful animal husbandry, we could over time breed the half mammoths into something resembling pure bred mammoths. The Ministry fully supports the efforts to bring the dead to life. Not, you know, in a creepy undead zombie way. But through clean, wholesome science. We owe it to the animals that we killed to ensure that at least some of their genes survive into the future not just as frozen sperm in a ice-buried testicle, but as living, breathing, tasty mammals.

Further, we feel certain that when the robots come, the desperate remnant of humanity left after the initial onslaught of cybernetic death will be driven to the remote places of the earth. These places are often very, very cold. Reborn woolly mammoths will make excellent cavalry in the cold wastes of the north, and, in a pinch, very large meals.

Learn to deceive, and to detect the prevarications of others

How strange, I have a hobby in common with genocidal fucknut Iranian President Ahmijabbabber.

Via slashdot, the evolution of the desktop. I'd forgotten how cheeseball early windowing systems looked.

Red Sox ace pitcher Kurt Schilling founded a wargames company to keep Advanced Squad Leader in print.

Everyone loves demotivators. They are the quintessential ironic artifact of my generation. It was only a matter of time, I suppose, before love of demotivators and obsession with Star Trek met and merged in the mind of one sick individual with no life.

That time is now:

It's nice to see someone else thinks that.

More excellent Star Trek Demotivators below the fold. And, don't forget to make your own!

Today's Onion installment contains an item called "Millions Of Americans Buying Floyd Landis-Inspired Bracelets". I refer to it as an "item" because it's just a picture, rather than even an article with commentary. Fair use, then, dictates that you have to click the link to see the picture. Deal with it, because it's one of the keys to my premise here.

I find the Tour de France, and bicycling generally, to be uninteresting, and couldn't care less that half the field's big names were axed on drug-related charges just prior to the start. I care just a bit more about Floyd Landis' case, primarily because, contrary to all rational indications reported so far, I still think he might be deserving of the, well, whatever it is that a Tour de France winner wins.

He went from a day of abject failure in the Tour to a day of reportedly unprecendented athletic achievement. Or so I've read - I don't know for certain, because, honestly, the Tour interests me not even slightly. Nobody seems willing to claim his pass on the mountain climb was anything other than majestic. And, just in case his reported high-testosterone levels had something to do with it, here are the odd things:

• Only a dumb-ass would shoot testosterone during the Tour de France, where everyone is assumed to be cheating, and is regularly tested like the cheaters they most likely are
• Testosterone isn't fast-acting, and from what I've seen, takes several weeks' lead time to be of any effect
• If, in fact, he did inject testosterone, he's both clinically retarded and likely quite surprised that it didn't kick in to avoid his abject failure of the previous day's ride
• All due respect to the doping agencies and their tests, I wouldn't trust the results of such tests any farther than I could throw a bull by the dick

Why the skepticism on my part about such tests? Other than my general skeptical nature, there was an interesting article in Saturday's WSJ (subscribers only, most likely, but who friggin' knows?) reporting on tests using "Etg Alcohol Testing" (ethyl glucuronide). The article, "A Test for Alcohol -- And Its Flaws".

Boiled down to its basics, the article describes a test that's supposed to get past the problem of detecting weekend binge drinkers during the work week, when they're presumably not tippling. The problem is:

The test "can't distinguish between beer and Purell" hand sanitizer, says H. Westley Clark, director of the federal Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration's center for substance-abuse treatment. His office intends to study EtG and issue a statement on its use in the fall. "When you're looking at loss of job, loss of child, loss of privileges, you want to make sure" the test is right, he says.

I'd hate to have my rights impinged for washing my hands with Purell (not that I do, but that's not the point).

The point is that I think the drug testing zealots spend a lot of time on precision and completely disdain accuracy.

That and, honestly, who gives a shit about cheating in a stupid bicycle race?

[wik] See also this essay on Wired by Bruce Schneier of Counterpane Internet Security, explaining, I think, why doping is forever.

While we're on the topic of webcomics, we would be remiss in not bringing to your attention Dr. Fun. Here's a sample:

I know that the squirrels in my back yard think the same of my dog Bodhi. But sacrificing Bodhi probably won't get them in good with the nut gods. Most likely, it'll give the nut deity indigestion. I think this guy made a very successful sacrifice to the nut gods.

Selectively true at best, I'm sure. But some allegedly smart money seems to think so:

HuffingtonPost.com – New York, NY; a provider of a left leaning political news and blogging site; $5 million; Series A; Greycroft Partners, Individuals, Softbank Capital Partners.

Go "Zsa Zsa"! Or would "Eva" be the more apt analogy? (I don't remember Magda well enough to know whether the caricature is still fitting)

Another new (to me) webcomic. It's called "Muhammad's Believe It or Else". Why read something that mocks one of the great religions of the world? If you need a reason, and we here at the ministry most certainly do not, there's this from the introduction:

Why Mock Islam?

Because it is therapeutic! Mocking is a very powerful way to convince those who are unwilling to think to do it. Shame is a great motivator.

I don't know if this will have any effect on Islam, aside from pissing it off. But, since we've already done that just by not being Muslim, what have we got to lose?