perfidy

Odd, but until now, it hadn't occurred to me that the phrase "editorial oversight" has two potential interpretations.

The first, of course, conveys the stern hand of a Lou Grant type character, ensuring that everything's square and nobody's left his zipper down.

The second, I'm reminded by an article in today's San Francisco Chronicle, is precisely what happens when too little attention is paid to the words that go into a published piece, or when a single word, such as "remaining", is omitted from the piece.

Investigation resumes today into fatal attack at S.F. zoo
Steve Rubenstein,Marisa Lagos, Chronicle Staff Writers
Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Police this morning are investigating the sites at the San Francisco Zoo where a 350-pound tiger escaped from its enclosure and attacked three people Tuesday, killing one.

...

Doctors at San Francisco General Hospital said early today that the victims, whose identities have not yet been released, were recovering remarkably well. The men, Dr. Rochelle Dicker told KTVU, are "awake and alert" and in stable condition.

Yeah, except for the dead one, unless he's no longer considered a victim.

And further down, this bit of a description on the last time a tiger went apeshit at the SF Zoo:

On Dec. 22, 2006, the 350-pound Tatiana chewed the flesh off Lori Komejan's arm during a public feeding demonstration.

"And that, kids, is what it actually looks like when a tiger eats. Any questions?"

All small beer, I realize, but I've not experienced this much cognitive dissonance while reading an article in quite some time. Which might say more about me than it does about the Chronicle, but in this case, I think not.

This morning, not 30 minutes ago, I helped a nun up a flight of stairs.

The facilities people who clear the snow-n-ice didn't clear the steps to their edges, meaning that she couldn't reach a handrail. Poor thing didn't want to risk going up unsupported, which is entirely understandable as she is just this side of 90. I happened to walk out when she needed a hand coming in, so there you go. I also confided to her that I almost took a digger this morning on my very own steps, so as not to let her feel any more frail than she already might.

So here's my question: which specific act of evil in my long career of prickiness might now be negated? It seems that in life's equation, I just got a +1 that ought to cancel a -1 somewhere else.

Maybe I can be made right with Vishnu for all the ants I torched with a magnifying glass. Maybe I can even get off the hook with the little green plastic god that oversees little green plastic army men; lord knows he'd want a piece of me. Then again, what if G-d is a god of war and conflict, for which there is a fair amount of evidence. This act today, then, might actually bring me backwards.

I know you've all been holding your breath for this one...the Top Ten Best Quotes of 2007. This is your opportunity to play trivia and see if you can remember the circumstances behind each one, so phone the neighbors and wake the kids.

1. "Don't tase me, bro!"

2. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

3. "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country."

4. "That's some nappy-headed hos there."

5. "I don't recall."

6. "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11."

7. "I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody who has a 9 percent approval rating."

8. "I have a wide stance when going to the bathroom."

9. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."

10. "I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history."

Find out who said what and why here.

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG ?

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles', was asked by a U.S. Government Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress and his mistakes."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, how has the white man done?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute, and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing... all night having sex."

Then, the chief leaned back and smiled: "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

Does anyone in the Ministry circle care about the shocking, *shocking* revelation that the comically bemuscled 45-year-olds who were breaking records were hormone junkies?

If so, why?

Lots of people in this country see our President as, um, not too heavy in the brains department. I don't disagree with that assessment. But apparently he's smart enough to have learned the lesson known by fat people for years, which is that if you want to appear thinner, surround yourself by people fatter than you.

And if you want to appear smart...

Well, just be glad there wasn't anything nuculer involved.

I had organized the first annual Ministry Million Dollar Carnival.

It was a large-ish, open-air affair with all manner of booth, contest, and confection. I was walking around the carnival, half-surprised that everything had gone off as planned. There were legions of people in attendance, and all appeared to be having a good time. Even the weather was nice. Well, nice according to the aesthetic of most folks.

So after a bit of all this, someone...I'm not sure who, but someone from the Ministry circle...might've been a Minister, or possibly Murdoc...came over and pointed out that we don't have a million dollars to give away, or even a million dollars' worth of merchandise; the whole thing was basically a sham. I thought that was odd, and started to argue that that was entirely irrelevant, but decided to finish out-processing from the Marine Corps instead.

As a former soldier I *have* had dreams about people I knew and units I was in, but I never once dreamed of being in another service branch.

So I walked over to the admin building and found myself explaining to a retention officer why I wanted to leave the Corps. As I recall now, it was a famous actor...Jeff Goldblum, maybe?...who was the officer in question. I said that I had done my time and it was just time to get out, to move on, that sort of rap. We finished the paperwork, shook hands, and I walked out to join a waiting expedition to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

We made the summit in rather short order, only to find that the peak was actually just level with a little, scrubby city and the fact that it is among the largest natural features on the planet really is just an accident of relative observation and associated physics. In short, after cresting the mighty mountain I was rewarded not with an astonishing view of Earth's grandeur but an eye-level view of a rather shabby and dark empty parking lot that I could step onto from the peak.

So I looked around a little, but went back to our camp just short of the summit and told everyone what the deal was. Then I noticed that my cat had actually followed us up the mountain and was being a pain in the ass in the tent, so I bitched at him for a bit.

"NYC doorman suspended for bad breath"

This happened to one of my friends. You have to read it in her words, though, to really get the full gist of it.

Part the First
Part the Second
Part the Third

From the afternoon inbox, I thought I'd share:

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .and you know how you just get sooo stressed out and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it. . . he was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

Talking to my mom the other day, we wondered if any city has suffered longer than Cleveland. It has been more than forty years since Cleveland has won a sports championship of any flavor. Boston fans have until recently been the greatest of whiners, bemoaning endlessly the decades that had lapsed since the Red Sox won a World Series. Waaagh, the curse of the Bambino, waagh, Bucky Fucking Dent, waaagh.

Of course, in the meantime, they’ve had several recent Patriots Super Bowl wins, and the Celtics once won eight NBA titles in a row, and that was in the middle of a 11 of 13 stretch. And even more of course, that’s completely aside of the fact that the Chicago Cubs had gone a full decade longer without a World Series win, and in fact never will win the World Series again.

A little research turned up a startling fact. There are 21 cities with at least three major league teams out of a possible four. (Only New York City has two of each, though once Los Angeles did. Cleveland had, for several years in the seventies, a “grand slam” – one team in each of the majors.) Of these, all but three have won at least one championship since 1990, and most have won one in the current decade. The three sad cities are Philadelphia, Seattle and Cleveland. The ‘76ers won in 1983, and the Super Sonics last won a championship in ’79. And Cleveland has been winless since the two days after Christmas, 1964 when the Browns beat the Baltimore Colts 27-0.

We’ve been suffering fifteen years longer.

But hey, surely there are other sufferers out there! Well, let’s be generous and roll in cities with only two major league teams. It gets only slightly tougher to complain. There are ten more cities with two major league franchises. Of these, Charlotte, Nashville and New Orleans have had no championships, ever. But – but! - in each of these cities, major league sports came to the city after Cleveland’s last championship: New Orleans just after, and Charlotte and Nashville within the last decade or so.

So they haven’t suffered longer.

Only one city has actually gone longer without a championship. San Diego, whose Chargers won an AFL League championship in ’63, one year before the Browns’ last NFL Championship. The Bills just miss, and squeak by with a ’65 AFL win. However if you, like my mom, consider the AFL to have been a minor league up until the beginning of the merger with the NFL – the first Super Bowl (technically, the first AFL-NFL World Championship Game that was later renamed Super Bowl I) in 1967 – then Cleveland is still the city with the most suffering.

ESPN agrees – a couple years back they voted Cleveland the most tortured sports city.

And I know from personal experience that this is true.

Okay, getting to the top stop took some help.

Like from Pittsburgh and Oklahoma most recently, but also Kansas and Arkansas, and in fact every unranked team that beat a top-five ranked team this year (all what? fifteen now?) starting with Appalachian State's crushing Michigan. (Excepting of course, Illinois.)

Go Bucks!