perfidy

At the risk of disrupting Minister Buckethead's ongoing feature enlightening us on state mottoes, I'm forced to drop in a note about a story in this morning's Wall Street Journal (subscription possibly required), entitled "Naming a State Dirt Just Doesn't Wash with New Jerseyites".

All due respect to residents of the Garden State, but I'd expect that the only problem with naming a state dirt would be the confusion caused on the part of people like me, who think they should simply rename the entire state "Dirt". (excepting some of the nicer, western portions of the state, which should simply be given to Pennsylvania)

The protagonist in this Quixotic endeavor, David Friedman, runs the Ocean County soil-conservation district, and appears to be, in his own way, a deep-thinking poet, of some kind:

"What's beneath our feet," Mr. Friedman continued, "is a whole other world of earth and worms and...help me out, Chris."

"And roots and organisms," said Chris Miller, a specialist with the U.S. Agriculture Department who was on an inspection tour; he was riding in the back seat.

Truly a man of words, that.

"They all serve," Mr. Friedman said. "If we manage what's below our feet, it's going to benefit mankind."

Apparently, the Journal decided not to print the quote from the guy who responded "Hey! Don't bogart that joint, Spanky!" But they did present some balance, with this:

By unanimous vote, the Assembly passed the bill in May, prompting local resident Jay Lomberk to write to the Asbury Park Press: "State dirt? Are you kidding?" And another local, Jackie Daly, to write: "If it weren't so pathetic, it would be funny."

Douglas Fisher, a legislator in NJ "is sure the mockery explains why" the bill to name a state dirt failed in the state Senate. No! Ya think? He was shocked, it seems. But then, he's also the guy who tried to nominate the tomato as New Jersey's official vegetable. Never mind that a tomato is a fruit, notwithstanding some obscure US Supreme Court decision from 1893 that Fisher cited.

We learn, as the article continues, several related facts:

• Various state legislatures have "ordained official fossils, odes, dogs, and doughnuts"
• There's a site, netstate.com, that actually tracks this crap
• South Carolina's official snack food is boiled peanuts
• An outfit (United Square Dancers) has "lobbied Congress to make the square dance a national symbol, alongside the flag, the rose, and the bald eagle"
• In an example of one thing that's good about war, they claim that "What with the war, we were not able to pass it"
• In an example that proves we probably need more wars, they were somehow able to convince 31 state legislatures that "they need an official folk dance, and that the square dance is it"
• America's biggest crop? Lawn. Who knew?

"Lawns," said Mr. Miller from the back seat as Mr. Friedman drove west toward Lakehurst. "Personally, I don't know what the draw is."

And there's the problem. Dirt matters, of course. But the cluelessness that underlies an assumption that dirt matters and grass doesn't might explain why they're chasing this particular parked car.

Either that, or I'm just a hardened cynic.