perfidy

In any sufficiently large group of people, one person will be the spare. To determine who the spare is, imagine that the group is in this situation

You are being chased by brain eating zombies. They are gaining on you. You have a shotgun with one shell.

The spare is the person you shoot in the leg so that the zombies stop to eat, allowing you to escape. Once consensus is reached that you are the spare, there is no appeal. If by chance your group is chased by zombies, and you sacrifice your spare, a new spare must be chosen.

Now, you can watch a simulation of this process here. 
 

Various sources report that the US budget deficit will balloon by hundreds of billions of dollars in coming years, although it is expected to not quite reach the record relative levels of the late Reagan/Bush I era. Remember how awesome the economy was back then?

*Warning: blood sugar currently low. Screed to follow*

So just how much debt is healthy? From what I can tell, the "official" Bush & co. estimates don't take into account the new perscription drug plan, millions and millions of boomer retirees, or the billyuns and billyuns of dollars it will take to build Iraq's infrastructure. In fact, Iraq money isn't even IN next year's budget.

Again, what the flipping hell? Bush isn't much of a conservative, that's for sure, and once again I begin to suspect that the eventual fiscal mess created by runaway deficit spending and even more gubmit bloat will be left for the next generation (e.g. me) to clean up. From the point of view of a dyspeptic Wednesday morning, Chim-Chim the Stunt Monkey seems like a better prospect in '04 than the current folks.

Also, in a real heartening development, economists are calling for a continuation of our "jobless recovery." Now, I'm just a stupid hick from Ohio, but please explain to me how this is particularly encouraging. A "recovery," taken empirically, means an improvement in the economy-- growth in production and revenues, etc. Obviously such a condition is positive. But the"jobless" modifier means that the job market will remain very tight despite the rising prosperity, meaning that labor will carry less value as competition for positions drives down the cost of wages. Consequently, that large class of marginal workers who live paycheck to paycheck will find it more difficult to get by. As previously noted, the minumum wage, and by extension, the poverty line, in the US is set insultingly low with respect to what it actually costs to live like an American

So the recovery benefits whom, exactly? Industry and the already economically comfortable? Those with portfolios large, diverse, and well-managed enough to take early advantage of the recovery without needing to dip savings and investments to pay the bills? Well, great. And don't give me that trickle down crap. That only applies if there's jobs around.

As for the tax cut, new research from the NBER suggests that tax cuts don't necessarily stimulate spending. Instead, extra cash in the hands of taxpayers tends to go to paying down debt and into savings rather than being spent on consumer items. At least that's what happened last time: the paper deals with the tax rebate of 2001, which was a lump sum tax advance, rather than the marginal periodic increases that the new round supposedly creates, but my Ohio Hick intuition suggests that similar principles apply now. Of course, I'm one of the Lucky Duckies who apparently didn't need a tax cut this time, so from a first-person point of view, the question is moot anyway.

Again, I'm just a stupid hick who tends to view the world in a me-me-me sort of way, but I'm hardly willing to deem the economy "recovered" until all boats rise with the tide, and hardly willing to deem Iraq "recovered" until it resembles, say, Turkey or India more than Detroit or Anacostia.

But I'm just a hick, so what do I know?

[update] Irony alert: Since consumers used their "Gub'mint play money" from 2001 to pay down debt and increase savings, they were really acting responsibly according to the conventional wisdom of home financial advisors. But this runs counter to the instructions we recieved at the time from the President, which was to "spend! spend! spend!" So which is it? Should we act for the long-term good of ourselves, and therefore ostensibly the good of the country, or for the short-term good of manufacturers and retailers, and therefore ostensibly the good of the country? I know what I did, though it was just a drop in the wide seas of my personal debt load. Thank you, music industry! I gave you three years of my life, and you gave me a net negative personal income!

Via loyal reader and stalwart Ph.D candidate in History NDR, I see that an academic in Egypt is preparing a lawsuit against "all the Jews of the world" for stealing artifacts during the Exodus.

I'm not sure whether to file this under "Lead Pipe Cruelty" or "Darwin Award Contender."

Here's my cryptically pithy remark of the day--
Mankind: Erasing doubt daily about the origin of the species.

[update] NDR in an email tells me he is considering a "counter suit for unpaid wages due to slave labor." Ohhh yeah!!!

By way of Winds of Change comes this fascinating First Things article by Rabbi Meir Y. Soloveichik.

My position against Alabama Chief Justice Moore unfortunately means that I am ostensibly in the same camp with dookie derby John Kelso of the Austin-American Statesman.

Buckethead has discussed the rube-factor in the current round of discussions on Alabama, writing "that this is happening in Alabama merely gives people an extra frisson of joy, because they can safely conflate religion with backwardness. It's Alabama, right?" Kelso adds weight to Buckethead's point by publishing a set of sub-Foxworthy, totally unfunny, "Alabama Commandments." G'hyuk!

When I said earlier that fat people and Catholics may be the last two acceptable bigotries in "polite" America, I forgot to include hicks, also encompassing the subclasses hillbillies, rednecks, trailer-trash, and briar-hoppers. So there are really THREE acceptable bigotries. As a sop to Buckethead, you may also include Norwegians for a total of four. (I mean, seriously, "trailer trash?" You hear "trailer park" used as code for poor and white the way you often hear "inner city" used as code for poor and black.)

If Kelso and I are in fact in the same camp opposing Judge Moore, this born and bred Ohio briar-hopper and damn proud of it is gonna walk right over and pee on his campfire. Read on to see why.
Kelso sez:

Where I differ with Justice Moore is that I think his monument has the wrong set of commandments etched on it. Moses had nothing to do with the gathering of the Alabama commandments. It was Moses' cousin, Elroy, who got them. By the way, when Elroy saw the burning bush, he lighted his cigarette with it.

With that in mind, here are the Alabama commandments as told to Elroy:

Thou shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are.

Thou shalt not marry thy 13-year-old cousin Thelma Jean.

Thou shalt not fish with dynamite, nor hunt with a rocket launcher.

Thou shalt exclaim "Roll, Tide," at least 12 times a day during football season.

Thou shalt not remove the wheels from thy neighbor's home.

Thou shalt repeat fifth grade at the age of 19.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's front-row tickets to the Merle Haggard concert.

Thou shalt not pawn thy teeth so thou can purchase a 12-pack.

Thou shalt not wear thine halter top and hot pants in the front row in church.

Haw, haw, haw. Oh, how my sides do split at your razor-sharp social commentary. THIS guy can get a weekly column, and I languish in the blog-world?

If there is any justice, his next assignment will be covering NASCAR down among the hoi polloi.

By way of Porphyrogenitus, an idea that will poke a sharp nasty stick into corners of your mind that you'd rather were left, well, unpoked. That is, if your mind is like mine. Which of course it is. You wouldn't want to be...

Nevermind.

Over at Mother, May I Sleep With Treacher, I found this helpful list of names you can throw at those whose opinions you find exceptionally objectionable:

New terms for "asshat"

Not that it's any less fresh and clever after the first 75 times you use it in a morning ("Your head is up your ass, get it?"), but it's due for a vacation. Give one of these a try the next time you want to make it clear that you disapprove of someone intensely, but you don't want to keep repeating yourself:

bum bonnet
colon chapeau
dookie derby
excretory fedora
fecal fez
intestinal stetson
pooper panama
rearmuffs
sphinc-turban*
yarmul-caca

*Or maybe bowel-towel? No, wait, bowelhead. Bowelhead?

Update: Pete from Virginia adds the following:

turdban
dungbrero
poopy kepi

And Brett D. points out the "how did I miss that?" alternative:

doo-rag

Just remember, we're just trying to help.

" I have always thought that the criminalization of homosexual acts was both foolish, and inhumane, and un-Christian. I am no longer so sure. Perhaps our grandfathers were wiser than us. Perhaps there are some things that we, the normal majority, SHOULD, deliberately and consciously, disapprove and marginalize."

Dumbass.

Under a recent decision by the Supreme Court, the Office of Homeland Security is detaining all legal immigrants with convictions for crimes in their past. No problem?

Riiiight.

The Boston Globe today profiles 22-year old Edna Borges, a resident of the US since age 2, who was busted for shoplifting clothing back in her teenage years. She is now a responsible mother of two, with a job. She is also a prisoner.

Edna Borges thought it would take just a few minutes to check in with officials at the Bureau of Homeland Security last Friday, as she has been doing voluntarily every three months. Instead, Borges ended the day in a Bristol County jail, separated from her 10-day-old infant daughter and 2-year-old son, with no idea when she might be released. . . .

Immigration officials said Borges was detained because of a recent US Supreme Court ruling that mandates the jailing of immigrants facing deportation because they have committed crimes. The ruling affects immigrants even if they have already served a sentence and are considered to pose no threat. It stems from a California case involving South Korean native Hyung Joon Kim and is expected to affect about 15,000 immigrants a year.

''The law says mandatory detention,'' said Amy Otten, a spokeswoman for the Bureau of Homeland Security. ''Anyone who falls under the Kim decision has to be detained.''

Borges, who is scheduled for a hearing before an immigration judge this morning, got her first glimpse of her two children on Wednesday through closed circuit television in a courtroom, said her lawyer, Susan Church of the law firm Salsberg and Schneider.

Borges, who was born in Portugal to a Cape Verdean family, was facing deportation because of a 1999 shoplifting conviction, for which she has served six months probation. Borges was 17 when she shoplifted the clothing on two occasions, Church said. In one incident, the clothes were worth less than $150. In the other, the items were worth more than $150, the lawyer said.

I'm so glad the Office of Homeland Security is on the case! Otherwise this hardened menace would be stalking the streets of Dorchester, raising children, working, and going to church! Kudos to the Office of Homeland Security for helping to keep our country safe from working mothers with wild teenage pasts.

Buncha craven, pencil-headed morons.

In a Washington Post article, Rev. Al says that he is being dismissed because reporters are white males.

"I think when you look at the lack of diversity in the newsrooms, when you look at the lack of diversity from the editors and those in power, then you see them as automatically dismissive of anything that is not like them, which is white males," said Sharpton.

"I think we've seen some very blatant racial insensitivity in the coverage of this race so far," said Sharpton, in an interview with The Associated Press.

Jeez, I thought he was dismissed because he's an inveterate race hustler, responsible for a deadly riot, and because he manufactured the Tawana Brawley hoax. And, generally, he's a wacko.

Buckethead: two points I query:

1) You seem to suggest that the current administration is not especially pro-business. Am I reading too much into your comments, or are you on crack?

2) I am well aware that you are by and large a reasonable person, your views on the perfidousness of certain labor laws being a shining example. But if that is the case sir, how do you justify your enthusiasm for the film "Van Wilder"? I mean, it's pretty good, but a shrine to Ryan Reynolds? Come now...

Not only was Stalin the head of the second most murderous regime in world history, responsible for reppression, famine and countless other crimes - that son of bitch Uncle Joe tried to kill the Duke.

CBS news reported this morning on the tube that in the late forties and early fifties, Stalin ordered multiple hit attempts on John Wayne, the outspoken anti-Communist actor.

If anyone had any doubt that Communism is evil, evil, evil, right to the bone, well there's your proof. You don't try and kill the Duke. Apparently, once Kruschev came to power, he stopped the assassination attempts because he was a big fan of the Duke. Go figure.

Over the last several days, I have conducted a rigorous scientific study of the effects of what I call humor on people I come in contact with. My methodology is brutally effective and simple. Whenever I say something, I closely observe the effects. A smile, and I incise a small cut on the inside of my left forearm. Laughter, a small cut on my left palm. A frown or other show of unhappiness or displeasure, a scratch on my right forearm. No reaction, a nick goes on my right palm.

After three days, my arms were a bloody mess, but I emerged from my trauma clutching close to my breast the dearly won knowledge that I am really, really funny.

In measuring the response of others to various statements of mine, I used the following criteria:

• Like with the famous purity test, technicalities count. So, a contemptuous smirk counts as a smile. Similarly, an embarrassed giggle counts as laughter.
• I have discounted all responses from my son, because he is not qualified to judge me and would be biased in any event.
• Finally, if someone says something like, "Shut the Hell up" while laughing counts as laughter, not displeasure.

The results:

In three days, I interacted personally with 39 people and one retard. In the course of conversation with these 39.5 people, I made 1204 distinct utterances. The breakdown of reactions is as follows:

• Laughter: 9.8%
• Smile: 47.7%
• Displeasure: 4.2%
• Stunned silence: 38.4%

(percentages may not add up to 100% due to rounding)

As you can clearly see, significantly more than half of the things that I say cause smiles or laughter. I am doing more than my share in bringing joy to the world. However, one must be careful not to read to much into the results of this study, as it was not designed to measure the mechanisms that cause the humor reaction in others, merely that they reacted.

Some interesting results from deeper analysis of the data:

My interactions with the retard skewed the results somewhat, as he laughed at every thing I said. However, only seven of the 1204 utterances were directed at him.

Male coworkers are significantly more likely to laugh at intentional attempts at humor than others.

Wives are significantly (drastically) less likely to laugh at intentional attempts at humor, but much more likely to laugh at utterances that were not meant to be humorous. Further study will be needed on this topic, because women often report in Cosmo surveys that sense of humor is an important factor in mate selection. This apparent discrepancy cries out for resolution.

Streetbums, though an admittedly small part of the sample, show displeasure at the least provocation, and were responsible for almost a third of the "displeasure" reactions. This may have something to do with monetary factors involved in our interaction, but this supposition is not fully supported by the data at hand.

Conclusions:

1. I am funny
2. Retards are easily amused
3. Bums need to lighten up when I don't give them a quarter
4. I need more neosporin

For the Ministry's inaugural assault, I choose as our target this bunch of blinkered racist nozzleheads:

Parents: White Teacher Should Not Teach Black History Group Of Parents Protest District's Decision OBERLIN, Ohio -- A group of parents said they will fight a possible decision to allow a white teacher to lead classes in black history at Oberlin High School.

In this brief article from News Channel 5 in my hometown of Cleveland, we learn that civilization is dead.

"the parents said using a white teacher would send the wrong message to black students"

What good is civilization if we cannot all learn from the knowledge that our civilization has accumulated? Am I not permitted to study and ponder the life of Martin Luther King, because he was black and I am white? Will I be consigned to the outer darkness if I ever mention anything I learned to someone who is black?

This is complete and unremediated bullshit. One of my strongest memories from a black period of my life - the year that I dated Margaret, the psycho hosebeast - is the two day long argument I had with her over how much people of different backgrounds can actually communicate and understand each other. Margaret took the position that it is in fact impossible for a white male of privilege (subtext: me) could understand the inner life of a oppressed minority. (subtext: her.) This of course ignored the fact that she grew up in a house five times the size of mine, and her father was one of the five richest accountants in California. It also ignored the fact that she did not look in the least bit hispanic, and in fact got upset that summer because someone whose ancestors came from Finland could get a better tan than she could. But why bother writing books, explaining your life in print, studying the past if the end result is that no one except those who share your upbringing can understand what you say? This is parochialism of the most severe kind.

Of course, my mind was an open book. She could understand and benefit from my culture. She could criticize my history, beliefs and culture with impunity. And the great thing was, she was immune from any kind fo response I might make. If I offered some comment on her culture, well I just wasn't qualified to say anything. I could not judge her, or anyone like her, or anyone in fact who shared her political beliefs.

I hate being reminded of Margaret. Which is one more reason to hate these idiots in Oberlin. These parents have abandoned civilization. They are saying that black history is meaningful only when taught by black teachers. Is it meaningless otherwise? Does it hurt the self esteem of fragile black minds to hear the stories of Frederick Douglas, Sojourner Truth, Booker T. Washington and all the rest from white lips? It would send the wrong message, they say.

What message do they want sent? Clearly, not a message that Martin Luther King would have endorsed. If the message is racial amity and togetherness, this action certainly isn't sending it. If we wanted to send a message of racial harmony and set a positive example, a white (or asian or hispanic or jewish or martian) teacher teaching black history would be ideal. And throw in a black teacher teaching Shakespeare for good measure.

The message that these parents want sent is a message of racial apartheid, only we're not allowed to call it that. It's only bad when white people do it. It is supreme irony that race conscious blacks and liberals are doing everything in their power to recreate the segregation and hatred that the civil rights movement labored and sacrificed to end.

Fox News* has a singularly moronic piece up about "Spike TV," the First! Network! For! Men! Beware my awesome fisking power!

"There wasn't that one place where [men] could go," explained Kevin Kay, TNN's vice president of programming and production. "I'm hopeful that TNN is the first place guys will check out, and they'll make it a favorite on their remote."

Right. Except for ESPN/ESPN2/FoxSports/FX/TBS, every network on weekend afternoons, and Shark Week.

Other men in the target audience haven't caught onto the new TNN yet, but are intrigued. Jim Smith, 41, of Indianapolis, said he'd check out the channel's car shows -- which will start airing in August -- and sports, like the full-contact basketball game, Slamball.

Slamball!! Alllll RIGHT!! Personally, I've been dying for a sport that combines the nonstop action of American Gladiators with the spectacle of the XFL, and is as compulsively watchable as BasEketball. Sometimes ferret-legging just isn't enough.

After "Lifetime: Television for Women" was introduced in 1984, other female-oriented channels like Oxygen and WE followed suit. But until TNN reinvented itself, there was no cable channel for guys.

Right. Except for HBO (pre Sex/City), Showtime, Spice!, the Playboy Channel, and the History Network. Dark days, yea verily.

Early Spike skeptics say some of its animated shows like Stripperella and Ren & Stimpy are clichés of what entertains men: sex and toilet jokes. But Lifetime, one of the most successful -- and criticized -- channels has weathered accusations that it stereotypes women.

"We listen to our viewers, not our critics," said Tim Brooks, Lifetime's executive vice president of research. "And what they're telling us loud and clear is that they find the kinds of programming we put on empowering."

<snark> Yeah, empowered to fix me a damn sandwich! </snark> Seriously... are we supposed to believe that women find Judith Light empowering?

"When we talked to guys in focus groups, one thing they said is, 'Don't stereotype us. We don't just want T & A. We're better than that,'" Kay said. "We have to be smarter, deeper and appeal to guys with interests across the board."

Which is why we get Stripperella, Ren & Stimpy, and Crazy Japanese People Hurting Themselves In Costume. Sounds about right. Except I don't see any show dedicated to the care and feeding of Apache servers, or anything about footwear. I love shoe shopping. There should be a show about shoes. I'm also really into the history of public transportation, and architecture. I'm a guy. Where's my show?

So far, Spike's lineup is all over the map, ranging from shows for frat-boy types to those for 30-something yuppies with families. In addition to programs like Stripperella (a cartoon about a stripper/crimefighter with Pamela Anderson's voice) and Slamball, the network airs a slew of James Bond and "guy" movies and male-oriented shows like Baywatch.

Translation: "We've got tits AND ass! Plus full-contact fake sports!"

Uhhhh... what happens if I fantasize about doing drivebys on frat houses, and loathe yuppies and children? Uh-oh... looks like the E! network for me.

If it goes the way of Lifetime, which despite its sometimes-schmaltzy reputation routinely scores top ratings, Spike TV will be a hit.

Wilson, for one, is already a convert.

"Women had like three different channels they could pick," he said. "Men had none. I got tired of watching Golden Girls reruns on Lifetime."

Dude, I didn't even know Golden Girls was still on! What the hell have you been watching? Take off the skirt, Sheila, and come watch the Brickyard 300 on my bigscreen. There's a whole world out there for you to discover, slugger.

* There was a "John Birch" reference here I have since removed. I put it in for fun, but upon reflection, decided it was too stupid to live. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that every well-written piece needs to be balanced by a jarringly incorrect statement. It's entertainment!!

According to this article, "One-third of Germans under age 30 believe the U.S. government may have sponsored the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on New York and Washington."

"Asked whether they believed the U.S. government could have ordered the Sept. 11 attacks, 31 percent of those surveyed under the age of 30 answered "yes," while 19 percent overall gave the same answer.

Die Zeit said widespread disbelief about the reasons given by the United States for going to war in Iraq and suspicion about media coverage of the conflict had fostered a climate in which conspiracy theories flourished.

"The news is controlled," 17-year-old Kenny Donaubaur was quoted as saying. "You could see that in the Iraq war. It doesn't seem to me that you get the full truth."

My instinct is that if you ask a 17-year old a question, you get a 17-year old's answer. I know at least one of our regular correspondents is in Europe right now... any ideas what gives?

[moreover] Matthew Yglesias nails it: "I believe that that's smaller than the proportion of Americans who believed that the Iraqi government was behind the 9/11 attacks, so you've got ill-informed people everywhere.... The point... is that people everywhere are shockingly ill-informed about almost everything."

Mark Kleiman has been all over a disturbing and little-known story.

It's official: the Bush Administration deliberately blew the cover of a secret agent who had been gathering information on weapons of mass destruction, endangering the lives of her sources and damaging our ability to collect crucial intelligence. (And, not incidentally, committing a very serious crime.) The apparent motive: revenge on Joseph Wilson, her husband, for going public with the story of his mission to Niger, which blew a hole in the Yellowcake Road story.

The facts of the case seem legit. I sincerely hope this wasn't a Nixon-moment.
 

Reason and Philadelphia-area papers are reporting that on the recommendation of the Pennsylvania Office of Homeland Security, the Philadelphia Eagles have banned outside food from Lincoln Financial Field, home of the Eagles. Food, it appears, is a hazard to us all.

Philadelphians are furious over this development, as bringing hoagies to the stadium is almost as much a Philly tradition as is soul music, patriotism, and knuckledragging stupidity (Pittsburgh rules! (I love my wife!))

Well, I guess I can let this one go as long as they don't ban D-cells, stupid headgear, and glass bottles from Cleveland Browns Stadium. Right?

Instapundit is reporting that Reuters is reporting that American forces may have put the finger on Uday and Qusay Hussein. If true, this is very good news.

"There was a shootout in Mosul, and there is a number of dead people and a couple of them could be Uday and Qusay," the official said, but added it had not been definitively confirmed.

I think those two would qualify for just about anyone's pre-decease list. 

[Update] MSNBC has a bigger story, and mentions that sources believe there is a 90-95% chance that the two brothers have gone to their eternal reward.
 

Because .org has that authenticity that .biz completely lacks. We want respect, damnit.