perfidy

My position against Alabama Chief Justice Moore unfortunately means that I am ostensibly in the same camp with dookie derby John Kelso of the Austin-American Statesman.

Buckethead has discussed the rube-factor in the current round of discussions on Alabama, writing "that this is happening in Alabama merely gives people an extra frisson of joy, because they can safely conflate religion with backwardness. It's Alabama, right?" Kelso adds weight to Buckethead's point by publishing a set of sub-Foxworthy, totally unfunny, "Alabama Commandments." G'hyuk!

When I said earlier that fat people and Catholics may be the last two acceptable bigotries in "polite" America, I forgot to include hicks, also encompassing the subclasses hillbillies, rednecks, trailer-trash, and briar-hoppers. So there are really THREE acceptable bigotries. As a sop to Buckethead, you may also include Norwegians for a total of four. (I mean, seriously, "trailer trash?" You hear "trailer park" used as code for poor and white the way you often hear "inner city" used as code for poor and black.)

If Kelso and I are in fact in the same camp opposing Judge Moore, this born and bred Ohio briar-hopper and damn proud of it is gonna walk right over and pee on his campfire. Read on to see why.
Kelso sez:

Where I differ with Justice Moore is that I think his monument has the wrong set of commandments etched on it. Moses had nothing to do with the gathering of the Alabama commandments. It was Moses' cousin, Elroy, who got them. By the way, when Elroy saw the burning bush, he lighted his cigarette with it.

With that in mind, here are the Alabama commandments as told to Elroy:

Thou shalt honor thy daddy and thy mama, as soon as you can figure out who they are.

Thou shalt not marry thy 13-year-old cousin Thelma Jean.

Thou shalt not fish with dynamite, nor hunt with a rocket launcher.

Thou shalt exclaim "Roll, Tide," at least 12 times a day during football season.

Thou shalt not remove the wheels from thy neighbor's home.

Thou shalt repeat fifth grade at the age of 19.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's front-row tickets to the Merle Haggard concert.

Thou shalt not pawn thy teeth so thou can purchase a 12-pack.

Thou shalt not wear thine halter top and hot pants in the front row in church.

Haw, haw, haw. Oh, how my sides do split at your razor-sharp social commentary. THIS guy can get a weekly column, and I languish in the blog-world?

If there is any justice, his next assignment will be covering NASCAR down among the hoi polloi.