Darwin Award Contender

General stupidity, from sub- to maximally-lethal.

Kerry's down with the hip hop

Via Drudge, this gem:

"I'm fascinated by Rap and Hip-Hop" said Democratic presidential candidate, John Kerry during an MTV Choose or Loose forum. Offering up a heavy dose of street credibility, Kerry defended gangsta rap, freedom of speech and the realities of street life.

The Boston-born heir by marriage to the Heinz Ketchup fortune, offered his perspective on rap music as the voice of the streets.

"I'm fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you'd better listen to it pretty carefully, 'cause it's important."

Middle aged white candidates should just not go there. Ever.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

Georgia: Yes to Prince Alberts, no to Princess Annes

Female genital piercings will soon be illegal in Georgia. Your schlong, fine. Go ahead, get a Prince Albert, a dumbbell, get your member split in two, staple your scrotum to your leg for all we care. No problem. That's all fine by us. Just don't pierce your clit.

Why? Because it's a crime, okay? It just is. It's... its, its sick, and wrong, and I've never seen anything like that. It's wrong, and sick, and that makes it a crime, okay?

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

"Mr Terrorism?"

A Dutch politician is in line to become the EU's first "Mr. Terrorism." That's all to the good, and I'm glad the Euroweenies are at least pretending to take terrorism seriously.

Why do I say "Pretending?" Because, dude, "Mr. Terrorism" makes you sound like a pussy even before you get out the gate. Terror Czar at least brings up images of Ivan the terrible, pyramids of skulls, and the like. Before you remember that the man occupying that office is a pasty middle aged white guy in a suit.

But Mr. Terrorism... Hmmn, what does that bring to mind? A skinny guy in a cardigan asking the children if they want to go to the land of make believe. Which, come to think of it, is a reasonably accurate summation of the EU's policy on terrorism so far.

We need a Terror Motherfucker. Someone who will speak to the terrorists like Samuel L. Jackson in full on, scare the white folk mode. Someone who, by his very presence in the world will strike fear into the hearts of terrorists. Someone who is authorized to personally put a cap in the ass of any terrorist brought before his dread presence. Someone who is completely unpredictable and dangerously volatile. Someone who has all the powers of hell at his command, or at least the United States Marines. Someone to play bad cop to Bush's bad cop. Someone who will make the worst European nightmares of American "cowboys" seem like Mr. Rogers.

That's what we need.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

OMB Stomps Struggling Industry

The OMB has temporarily halted progress on the Light Sport Aircraft proposal. Sport aircraft are small planes that seat two people, mass less then 1450 pounds, and can't fly faster than about 115 miles per hour. They're pretty small. They're also really easy to fly, and it's been recognized for a long time now that a simplified method to get citizens in the air would be a great idea. LSA regs are designed to do that -- they require only a driver's license for a medical (just like cars), have somewhat reduced training requirements (to lower costs), and substantially restrict what a pilot is able to do with one of these certificates.

It's designed to make flying fun and affordable again. "Certificated" aircraft, such as ye olde Cessna Skyhawk, cost north of $200,000 when new, and that's for a basic aircraft. Back in the age of American creativity, flying was cheap and easy.

Insurance, regulations, and lawyers have made mincemeat out of the public's freedom to fly.

Hopefully the OMB's objections are simple in nature and can be quickly dealt with by the FAA. OMB isn't really supposed to be doing anything other than rubber-stamping this thing; I am worried that this has something to do with "security" concerns. If so, it's patently ridiculous. Any car on the road is dramatically more dangerous than any of these little aircraft.

There's another effect, though, that people are going to be less aware of.

Small American companies are currently fairly dominant in the kit-plane industry. There are tens of thousands of industrious people out there who buy kit planes and build them...truly with an adventurous, handyman's spirit. I very much admire these folks (to see one of the best, try Dan's RV Project.

The LSA is intended to allow, for some kit planes, to allow manufacturers to assemble the aircraft themselves, and sell them. Kit planes have an excellent safety record, almost exactly comparable to certificated aircraft; having assembly done by manufacturers is almost sure to increase the safety factor of these aircraft.

These small planes often cost about a quarter of what a fully certificated plane can cost. There's a new industry waiting to happen here; thousands of jobs are waiting to be created, to build and export these little planes all over the world.

I wish the OMB hadn't found flaws in this incredibly lengthy process. The regulations have been studied to death. It's hard to believe that there's much wrong with them at this point, from a technical standpoint.

Posted by Ross Ross on   |   § 2

Huh... a knife.

If by chance you are feeling good about the prospects for survival of the human race, and us by-God Amurricans first among them, as a corrective I recommend you go read this article about teaching high school students Shakespeare in translation. To English.

[wik] But just think of the fun you can have!

Old and busted: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
New hotness: "Bitches, man."

Old and busted: "Cry havoc.... and let slip the dogs of war!"
New hotness: "Let's get it on!"

Old and busted: "Hoist on his own petard."
New hotness: "D'oh!"

Old and busted: "To be, or not to be. That is the question."
New hotness: "I hurt myself today / To see if I still feel./ I focus on the pain / It's the only thing that's real."

Old and busted:
"Hear him but reason in divinity,
And all-admiring with an inward wish
You would desire the king were made a prelate:
Hear him debate of commonwealth affairs,
You would say it hath been all in all his study:
List his discourse of war, and you shall hear
A fearful battle render'd you in music:
Turn him to any cause of policy,
The Gordian knot of it he will unloose,
Familiar as his garter: that, when he speaks,
The air, a charter'd libertine, is still,
And the mute wonder lurketh in men's ears,
To steal his sweet and honey'd sentences;
So that the art and practic part of life
Must be the mistress to this theoric:
Which is a wonder how his grace should glean it,
Since his addiction was to courses vain,
His companies unletter'd, rude and shallow,
His hours fill'd up with riots, banquets, sports,
And never noted in him any study,
Any retirement, any sequestration
From open haunts and popularity.

New hotness: ".... um... is something else on?"

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

Mixed Message? Or Not?

I was trolling through some of the photos from the recent protests on the anniversary of the start of the libervasion of Iraq. I have no desire to make any comments on the protests, I'm sure you can imagine my reaction if you're at all familiar with this site. (If not, read this, this or this.) However, from this collection of photos from the San Francisco rally, one image caught my eye:

image

I wonder if this jackass has any concept of what the combination of imagery he's sporting might mean to anyone with a scintilla of historical knowledge. Christ on a handcart! Obliviousness, thy name is socialism.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 7

Crazy Tammy

He handed over the book. It was more than I could have ever dreamed. A 3-ring binder, reeking of cigarettes, bursting with over 500 pages of sweet, sweet schizo goodness.

The front page reads, in giant letters:

THIS IS ONLY 1/4 OF THE WRITTEN MATERIAL I HAVE BEEN SENDING YOU AND OTHER LAW AGENCIES

...and from there, it descends into madness.

image

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 1

Homos, don't let the sun set on your toned, fabulous ass in Rhea County

Turns out the Scopes Monkey people hate gays, too! This just in: Rhea County, the same Tennessee County that entertained us with the Scopes Monkey Trial almost 80 years ago are back for a second round, this time to ban gays. No, you misunderstand. Not to ban gays from doing things like marrying and wearing thongs in public... they want to ban gays.

Rhea County (search) commissioners unanimously voted to ask state lawmakers to introduce legislation amending Tennessee's criminal code so the county can charge homosexuals (search) with crimes against nature.

"We need to keep them out of here," said Commissioner J.C. Fugate, who introduced the motion.

County Attorney Gary Fritts also was asked by Fugate to find the best way to enact a local law banning homosexuals from living in Rhea County.

Well, at least we know where they stand. With a lot of people, they just won't put it out there like this. I just hope they realize that this law is hopelessly retrograde, paranoid, blinkered, hateful, un-Christian, unconstitutional, and a whole bunch of other stuff too, not to mention completely and utterly un-fabulous.

[wik] I propose a film starring Hugo Weaving: Priscilla, Queen of the Hill People.

[alsø wik] This just in: Jonah Goldberg can be a real douchebag sometimes.

[alsø alsø wik] A commenter at Michael Totten's site wonders, "[a]s for 'crimes against nature,' I suppose this would include levitation, time travel and moving faster than the speed of light?

Me, I thought they meant the Third Law of Homodynamics.

[wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?] Craig at "Cha3n" parses Jacob Levy's post against one by Eugene Volokh on the legality of officiants of gay weddings saying "By the power vested in me by [yourstatehere]," when in reality everyone knows that [said state] vested no such power. Craig ends up dropping some mad science:

Assume arguendo that the Rhea County officials know that this legislation will be troubled from the start. The push for it can still be valuable - in similar ways to the minister's knowingly false statement. First, this push suggests a disagreement with the decision in Lawrence. If Lawrence is to ever be overturned, it will be because people passed laws knowing that a conflict loomed. Second, and perhaps more invidious, such a push for futile legislation may be incredibly effective in creating an environment in which no homosexual person wants to live. This is a successful push for publicity, even if it is a failed push for law. Codification is not the goal - exclusion of homosexuals is.

He's right, and somehow that makes Rhea County's move even more sleazy.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 7

Dean is an ass

Howard Dean has blamed the Madrid bombings on President Bush.

Nedra Pickler, Associated Press, 3/17/2004

WASHINGTON -- Former Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean said yesterday that President Bush's decision to send troops to Iraq appears to have contributed to the bombing deaths of 201 people in Spain.

I guess it's too much of a stretch to blame the bombings on, you know, the terrorists who planted the bombs. Rank Jackassery. Kerry's people rapidly backpedaled from the claim, made on a conference call organized by the Kerry campaign. Asked about the comment on his campaign plane Wednesday, Kerry said, "It's not our position." Well gee, that's good.

Dean clarified his comment last night, saying belatedly that there is no justification for terrorism and called the Madrid bombing, "a despicable act." If that's the case, why blame it on Bush in the first place?

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Yeah Right

John Kerry on the American Urban Radio Network:

President Clinton was often known as the first black president. I wouldn't be upset if I could earn the right to be the second.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 2

Can we invoke Godwin's Law?

Of all the... SecEd Rod Paige referred to the kneecappers at the National Education Association as "terrorists" on Monday. Seriously.

Either the word has lost all meaning, or Mr. Paige has lost his mind. Alternatively, both conditions may apply.

I propose a new Law to complement Godwin's Corollary and the Perfidy-coined "Judson's Law". What shall we call what happens when people refer to others as "terrorists" despite the absence of actual terrorist acts like suicide-bombing, planes in buildings, hijackings, etc.? Let's make it real stupid-sounding!

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

Pigs On The Wing

As an addendum to my previous post, you just have to read this excerpt from the Reason article I referenced, on the antics of our sentinels of the sky, the air marshals:

The TSA has proven inept in the air as well as on the ground. It was determined to expand the number of air marshals quickly from a few hundred to more than 6,000. When most of the applicants failed the marksmanship test, the agency solved that problem by dropping the marksmanship test for new applicants. (The ability to shoot accurately in a plane cabin is widely considered a crucial part of a marshal’s job.) Some would-be marshals were hired even after they repeatedly shot flight attendants in mock hijack response exercises.

USA Today’s Blake Morrison noted a report that "one marshal was suspended after he left his gun in a lavatory aboard a United Airlines flight from Washington to Las Vegas in December. A passenger discovered the weapon." Another air marshal left his pistol on a Northwest flight from Detroit to Indianapolis; a cleaning crew discovered the weapon. Morrison noted: "At least 250 federal air marshals have left the top-secret program, and documents obtained by USA Today suggest officials are struggling to handle what two managers call a flood of resignations."

The Transportation Department responded to the USA Today exposé by sending Secretary Norman Mineta to an air marshal training facility, where he witnessed a training exercise in which marshals shot a would-be hijacker. Afterward Mineta commented, "I not only saw a remarkable demonstration of skill and marksmanship, but a degree of professionalism we are instilling throughout our aviation security system."

Eight days later, on August 31, 2002, Delta Flight 442 was proceeding from Atlanta to Philadelphia with 183 people on board when a disheveled passenger began rummaging in the overhead bin. The Philadelphia Inquirer reported that the trouble began when the man "made inappropriate comments to a female passenger a few rows behind him." Two plainclothes air marshals jumped up and tackled the guy, shoving him first to the back of the plane and then dragging him to the first class area.

Then the trip got interesting. One of the marshals returned to the front of the coach section, drew his Glock semiautomatic pistol, and started screaming and pointing his gun at passengers. Philadelphia Judge James Lineberger, a passenger on the flight, later told the Associated Press, "I assumed at that moment that there was going to be some sort of gun battle....There were individuals looking to see what they were pointing at, and [the air marshals] were yelling, ‘Get down, get out -- get your head out of the aisle.’" In a formal complaint to the TSA, Lineberger declared that "there was no apparent reason for holding all the passengers of the plane at gunpoint, and no explanation was given."

Lineberger was sitting diagonally across from the initial target of the marshals, yet did not notice any problem on the flight until the marshals went ballistic. Susan Johnson, a social worker from Mobile, Alabama, was also unaware of any disturbance until the air marshals seized the man. "It never made sense," she told the Inquirer. "This guy was not any physical threat that we could see. Maybe he said some things to them that made them concerned. He just appeared to us unstable, emotionally." According to Becky Johnson, a reporter who wrote a column about the episode for her Waynesville, North Carolina, newspaper, "They never, ever said who they were, that they were air marshals or whoever."

After the flight landed, the marshals nailed another terrorist suspect: a physician and retired U.S. Army major named Robert Rajcoomar. He was handcuffed and taken into custody because, as TSA spokesman David Steigman later explained it, he "had been observing too closely."

First they came for the caffeine-freaks. Then they came for the rubberneckers. How soon til they come for you?

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 1

Frank Zappa Would Have Been So Proud

Just like a penguin in bondage, boing! (Oh yeah, oh yeah!)
Over there on the wet side of the bed.

Kathy Kinsley points us to this amazing story from Europe: "Police free German bondage 'penguin.'" Fan-tastick.

A German bondage fetishist got so chained up he had to call police to remove his cuffs after he was reduced to waddling around helplessly like a "penguin".
Officers sent to his rescue in the Western city of Aachen told him he should use a specialised establishment rather than practice at home. . . .
On entering, they were confronted by the sight of a heavily-chained man shuffling towards them on his knees with his head bowed, dressed only in shiny black leather and white socks.

And while I'm at it, let me take the time to recommend "Roxy and Elsewhere" by Frank Zappa-- one of my top five favorite Zappa records (out of a total of close to 80), and the record on which the magesterial and stunning "Penguin in Bondage" appears.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 10

Dark Horse Dialogues: Donald Sauter

TL Hines is back with his weekly Dark Horse Dialogues. Now that the Kerry train is in danger of derailment, maybe the Donald Sauter candidacy is about to take off. Well, probably not. If it weren't for the candidate web pages he gives, I would be convinced that he's making this stuff up. But no one is going to make up page after page of classical guitar tablature, just for the sake of a joke. Not even a wierdo like TL. And I really doubt that anyone who wasn't entirely too serious would ever think to add this to one of his tablature pages:

ETHICAL PLEA: I do ask one thing regarding the printing of this tablature: please try to refrain from using government or your company resources to do it. Or, if you feel you have no reasonable alternative, please reimburse your employer for use of his material and equipment. I'd hate to think that my - and other people's - taxes and expenses for goods and services are paying for your recreation on the job. I'm funny like that.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 0

So Very Kerry

Drudge is flipping out over news that John Kerry is trying to fight off a media probe into a recent infidelity. Here's what Drudge has to say:

CAMPAIGN DRAMA ROCKS DEMOCRATS: KERRY FIGHTS OFF MEDIA PROBE OF RECENT ALLEGED INFIDELITY, RIVALS PREDICT RUIN

A frantic behind-the-scenes drama is unfolding around Sen. John Kerry and his quest to lockup the Democratic nomination for president, the DRUDGE REPORT can reveal.

Intrigue surrounds a woman who recently fled the country, reportedly at the prodding of Kerry, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

A serious investigation of the woman and the nature of her relationship with Sen. John Kerry has been underway at TIME magazine, ABC NEWS, the WASHINGTON POST, THE HILL and the ASSOCIATED PRESS, where the woman in question once worked.

MORE

A close friend of the woman first approached a reporter late last year claiming fantastic stories -- stories that now threaten to turn the race for the presidency on its head!

In an off-the-record conversation with a dozen reporters earlier this week, General Wesley Clark plainly stated: "Kerry will implode over an intern issue." [Three reporters in attendance confirm Clark made the startling comments.]

The Kerry commotion is why Howard Dean has turned increasingly aggressive against Kerry in recent days, and is the key reason why Dean reversed his decision not to drop out of the race after Wisconsin, top campaign sources tell the DRUDGE REPORT.

Well, just when we all thought it was settled...

If this is true, then Kerry is a complete moron. If you can't keep it in your pants when you know a bazillion reporters (not to mention Republican oppo research teams) are going to be scrutinizing what you had for dinner twenty years ago, you don't deserve to be president.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 6

Cleveland Indians Pitcher Admits Gay Porn Might Have Been a Mistake

Ya think? The Detroit Free Press has the best precis on the sordid issue:

Cleveland: Indians minor leaguer Kazuhito Tadano is asking for forgiveness for his appearance in a gay porn video in which he engaged in a homosexual act. Tadano took part in the video three years ago as a college student. "All of us have made mistakes in our lives," Tadano said, reading a statement in English. "Hopefully, you learn from them and move on." Shunned by Japanese baseball teams, the 23-year-old pitcher signed with the Indians last March. They think he can make their club this spring. Through an interpreter, Tadano added: "I'm not gay. I'd like to clear that fact up right now."

Well, I'm glad that's all straightened out. So to speak. The Cleveland Plain Dealer has a couple articles on the subject as well. It just never ends when you're a Cleveland fan. Well, he may be a straight gay porn star pitcher, but at least he's our straight gay porn star pitcher.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

Maggot Brain drowns in his own sh*t.

Uncle Jam himself, George Clinton, was arrested Saturday in Tallahassee for possession of cocaine and a crack pipe. Clinton admitted to the charges, so we can't treat him as President of Stankonia, political prisoner, but rather as an aging hipster whose considerable luster is fading fast.

What the hell, George?

I mean, acid, pot, shrooms, peyote, even straight coke was excusable for a man of your station. It was the '60s. It was the '70s. It was the '80s. You're Starchild, Mr. Wiggles, The Long Song, The Bop Gun, leader of the Funkonauts and purveyor of the wisdom of the pyramids. You found the One. You backed up the booty and spanked that ass. Your face is on the funky dollar bill. Your mother did the Cosmic Slop. You entered the Nappy Dugout and the Witches' Castle and came out alive. You tasted the maggots in the mind of the universe. You turned on the flashlight and funkatized millions. You're the greatest huckster, talent scout, songwriter, and pussy hound a barber college ever produced. You made William "Bootsy" Collins into BOOTSY COLLINS, Funkzilla. You made Bernie Worrell's right hand into Beethoven and his left hand into a porn star. You made Mudbone Cooper, Gary Shider, Eddie Hazel, and a cast of thousands into a host of multicolored angels. When Dre and Snoop boosted your sound, that was cool. They brought you along for the ride. You're a king to us all.

You made doo-wop into funk, and funk into funkadelic. You put the funk into rock and the rock into funk. You put Three Blind Mice and Old Macdonald on the dancefloor.

Even when your powers diminished, we kept faith. We bought "Hey Man.... Smell My Finger" and "T.A.P.O.A.F.O.M." We came to see you again, and again, and again, as the P-Funk All-Stars Tour Without End kept rolling like the greatest medicine show, tent revival, circus, and swingers' party the world has ever seen.

And yet, in the end, maybe you didn't rise above it all like you vowed you would back in '71. Even then we knew it was a huckster thing, but it's still sad to see.

Crack?

Crack? I mean, dude. You know who does crack? Crackheads.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0