perfidy

William Rehnquist has been report as saying he's "not dead yet. I Feel Fine! I think I'll go for a walk!"

[wik] See you again Thursday.

[alsø wik] Ooh, there's some lovely filth down 'ere!

[alsø alsø wik] Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?

[see the løveli lakes...] Hat tip to QandO.

[the wøndërful telephøne system...] Anyone want to bet he's sticking around to try to body-block the cowflop hurling toward the fan? Might as well try to hold back the tide with a teaspoon, I say.

[and mäni interesting furry animals...] Including the majestik møøse...

[a Møøse once bit my sister...] For Buckethead, "Do you embarass easily?"

[No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"... ] Tits, winkle, and vibraphone. Grunties.

[...It's...] I think I'll be done now.

Columbus (Ohio) has finally made a stand against freedom haters, terrorists, drug thugs, indecency, communists, and people who don't celebrate diversity as enthusiastically as they ought.

Columbus has taken a stand against the scourge of our times. Columbus has finally acted. Columbus is doing something. Columbus has outlawed...[jarring chord] assault weapons!

The federal assault weapons ban (AWB) was allowed to go away last year but several states, including the cradle of liberty Massachusetts, have passed state laws that mirror the AWB's provisions, thereby ensuring continued inconvenience, price gouging, and suspicion of lawful gun owners.

Characteristic of lawmakers who concern themselves with firearms legislation, the Columbus City Council doesn't have a fucking clue, especially if this dude is their best source of information:

The Ohio Coalition Against Gun Violence (OCAGV) provided support for the ordinance and testified in the public hearings. Toby Hoover, Executive Director of OCAGV, congratulated the City on its progressive action to make Columbus a safer place to live and raise families.

Said Hoover, "Assault weapons are semi-automatic guns that are made to spray fire a high volume of bullets. Assault weapons are not hunting guns. They are people killers and we should never forget that we are talking about people, both victims and survivors. These guns are an assault on us all and we congratulate Columbus for regulating them."

Where to begin?

-There is no semi-automatic weapon on planet Earth that will "spray" anything. "Semi-automatic" means one pull of the trigger, one bullet goes downrange. No different in action from about a gazillion types of hunting rifles, target rifles, and yes, military issue rifles.

-What is a "high-volume of bullets"? You know, the ones being sprayed about willy-nilly? Probably more than 10 in a magazine, which is a characteristic number in these situations. In MA, for example, 11 is bad. Ten rounds in your rifle is fine, but 11 makes it the Devil's Tool. If seombody could explain that to me, I'd surely appreciate it.

-"Assault weapons are not hunting guns". Well, you'd first need to explain precisely what an assault weapon is, which you've not done satisfactorily yet. And guess what? Military rifles are oftentimes underpowered compared to hunting rifles. Read about it on your own; stats and discussion are easy to find. If beefier military rounds make you jumpy, guess what? They're all sporter rounds: all your flavors of .30 caliber (.30, .308, 30-30, 30-06) originated in military use and are still in use around the world. But if powerful weapons and powerful cartridges are the real problem, as this quote and associated line of thinking suggest, we'd be better off banning hunting rifles and sporter rounds like the 7mm Remington.

So which is it? Do we outlaw sport ammo or military ammo? 'Cause it's oftentimes the same thing.

-"They [assault weapons] are people killers". So are the hunting guns you suggest are OK to live with in society. So are the bricks on your patio. So's your car. Everything's a "people killer". Either you learn to live in our world, or you get yourself a helmet and never leave your bunker.

-"We congratulate Columbus on regulating them". Um, yeah...guns are already regulated. If you are refering to full-auto weapons, which I think you are when you talk about "spraying", they have been minutely regulated for years. You need special licensure, huge fees, probable legal hassles, and the BATF looking up your ass for the rest of your natural life, which is more regulation than any American ought to put up with.

But alas, foolishness rarely exists in a vacuum. Consider:

Sue Ann Schiff, Executive Director of Legal Community Against Violence (LCAV), agreed: "Assault weapons are designed to kill humans quickly and efficiently. The Columbus ordinance is directed to military-style weapons designed for rapid spray firing, not to standard sporting firearms."

Isn't any weapon conceivably a "military-style" one? And anyway, if it's style you're about, the military ain't the place to go for it.

Ms. Schiff, assault weapons- whatever those are- are not designed to kill humans quickly and efficiently. If you're talking about military-issue weapons, they are designed to throw a regulation cartridge a regulation distance consistently, take alot of abuse, be simple to maintain and operate, and be lightweight. I don't even know what "rapid spray firing" is, but American military rifles haven't had a full-auto capacity in about 20 years. And killing quickly and efficiently comes from training- marksmanship, trigger control, breathing control, shot placement, fieldcraft; otherwise, we'd just let the weapons loose to fight for us.

And again, "standard sporting firearms" are oftentimes much more powerful in terms of range, munition, and accuracy than any military issue rifle. Those are ok though, right?

Look, I care about certain aspects of gun stuff, so I read about it, and can speak as a learned amateur on some of those topics. I recognize alot of people don't care though, and my topic and tone will sound overwrought and nitpicky. That's fine, really.

But this bit doesn't even pass the common sense test:

The Columbus ordinance bans the possession and transfer of assault weapons while continuing to allow the use of the weapons at licensed shooting ranges and in officially sanctioned competitive shooting events. Individuals who lawfully owned and possessed assault weapons before the ordinance's effective date may keep their weapons but have 90 days to register them with local authorities.

Ooookaaaayyy...

So the same people, who still own the same weapons, can continue to do the same activities with them now as before the ban, but have to tell the state government they own them.

If the weapons were already "lawfully owned and possessed", what's the real problem?

Here's a whole site devoted to the exposure and ridicule of weasel words, no matter the source.

The Buckethead Clan will be departing the DC area at an undetermined time this evening, heading toward an undisclosed location somewhere in Ohio. I am concealing this information from you and my wife for the eminently simple reason that I have no fricken clue. But sooner or later, probably later, we will load up the bucketmobile with fireworks, small children and dogs; and newly equipped with iPod, we will drive off into the sunset with (at last count) as much as 2.4 days worth of music to listen to.

This patriotic journey to the heartland to celebrate (two days late) the signing of the Declaration of Independence will leave me far, far from my computer. While I may have occasional access, I doubt I'll be feeling much like posting, seeing as we have relatives to visit, picnics and fireworks to attend, a wedding to go to, (and wedding gifts to buy) and who knows what else.

I hope everyone has a explosion and fire-filled Independence Day, consumes vast quantities of cheap hot dogs and cheaper beer, and takes at least a minute to reflect on the liberty we enjoy.

Commenter Bram offered Roe v Wade as an example of judicial activism. Is it? I think it is not, and here's my reasoning.

Roe v Wade is a decision that is often discussed, but rarely read. I just went and read it, and I think you should too. There's a lot of historical ground that the decision covers. This is not a matter of "inventing" a right to abortion; nothing of the sort took place.

Very specific constitutional grounds were specified in Roe's appeal -- privacy and liberty. Roe did not argue she had a "right" to an abortion; she argued that she had the liberty to do as she pleased. Your liberty and privacy are guaranteed by the constitution, and as such preempt state law. So the question before the court was, can a state impose in liberty and privacy in this manner?

You gotta read the whole thing, but the thinking is something like this:

By no means did the court confer an arbitrary right to an abortion. Rather, the court struck a careful balance between personal liberty/privacy, guaranteed by the constitution, and states' interests. It drew the line at the boundary between religion and science.

I really don't want to provoke an abortion war, but I think it's worthwhile to note that the tenor of this decision follows the pattern I've noted: A difficult issue, subject to considerable subjective analysis, but still requiring a decision to be made. This is not a simple issue of states' rights. States may not make laws that violate the constitution, and Roe raised a serious and substantive constitutional challenge.

Via ace, we find that the ever useful Forbes magazine runs the numbers for how much aspiring crime fighters will need to throw down to become a Batclone. Short answer, a lot. 3,365,449 samoleans, to be exact. And that’s the bargain basement price, for those without access to a billion dollar inheritance. (According to the Forbes ranking of the richest fictional individuals, Bruce Wayne comes in at number seven just after Willy Wonka. If the Bruce were real, Forbes believes he’d eb a notch below Rupert Murdoch.) So how do you become Batman? Let’s take a look.

For the bat-fu, Forbes suggests Shaolin training:

A good place to start would be an internship at the birthplace of kung fu, the Shaolin Temple in Henan, China. One month of training at the prestigious Tagou school costs about $740, including a private room and training with a personal coach. It'll take a while to get good enough to stop the Joker's worst thugs, though, so count on spending at least three years and about 30 grand for the trip.

I had no idea that Shaolin training was that cheap. If I had known that ten years ago, I would now be the baddest technical writer in world history. But I don’t think Mrs. Buckethead would approve of me going off to China for several years at this point.

Where do you stash your gear between missions? Seeing as the underlying geology of New York is not conducive to cave formation, Forbes recommends another alternative:

So what's a budget-minded vigilante to do? We recommend you find yourself a nice out-of-the-way warehouse. In the outer boroughs of New York City, a decent-sized ground-floor commercial space can be leased for as low as $2,000 a month, particularly in isolated, questionably safe neighborhoods, exactly the kind of place the Bat would fly.

That’s not a bad deal. Certainly cheaper than what my friend Drew is paying for his condo in Battery Park.

This is the kind of hard hitting, informative investigative reporting we need to see more of.

In today's Washington Post, one can find the story Into the Mix: A Ban on Flag Desecration. It begins:

With the public image of Congress in the tank, House Republicans have vowed to focus on legislation that affects people's everyday lives, especially energy, tax and highway bills. But today the House will take up more red meat for the red states -- a bill "proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States authorizing the Congress to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."

House Republican Conference Chairman Deborah Pryce (R-Ohio) chuckled when asked if that was a conflict and suggested that anyone who sees one is looking at the world through blue-colored glasses. "You know, this is probably as relevant to people's lives now as any other time," she said, "because of what's going on with Democrats putting everybody in the world before our soldiers and the American safety. They're so worried about what's going on at Guantanamo Bay. And the flag has a place in that debate."

As a "red state" resident, and fully realizing my views are nobody's but mine, my first thought was "Huh? WTF?" With all due respect to Deborah Pryce who, back in my Ohio days I thought was an acceptable representative, the only part of her comment I can agree with is "...this is probably as relevant to people's lives now as at any other time." You know.

And there, the agreement ends. Because, you know, Deborah fails to realize that perhaps it's also as relevant to people's lives as is the color of shoes Paris Hilton chose to wear today. There are a lot of things it could be as relevant as, since the universe of things with zero relevance is enormous.

Heck, it's about as relevant as how many Korans it takes to stop up a Cuban prison toilet.

At least it is to me.

[wik] Well, the House has passed the amendment bill (for something like the fifth time), 286-130. A New York representative had this to say:

"If the flag needs protection at all, it needs protection from members of Congress who value the symbol more than the freedoms that the flag represents." said Rep. Jerrold Nadler, D-N.Y., whose district includes the site of the former World Trade Center.

He's not my representative, but that doesn't make the reason for his position any weaker, methinks.

Preparations are in full swing for this year's Sportsman's Club Testicle Festival.

Plan accordingly.

Over at Ace, we discover that there is an effort to provide homes for Chinese blogs. Given the censorship and controls employed by the Communist government (backed of course by the threat of police violence) it behooves us in the free world to help out where we can.

Adoptablog is a project to match Chinese blogs (or, in fact, blogs from anywhere where there is totalitarian speech suppression) with hosts in the US. After consulting the oracles, finger bones, and a few tea leaves, I have determined that we can easily spare room here for a Chinese blog. If you are a blogger in need of hosting, email {encode="adoptablog@perfidy.org" title="Perfidy Adoptablog"} and we'll figure out how to get you set up. (Perfidy is running on expression engine software, but we can be flexible should that be necessary.)

Transcribed by Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambesi

From The Album of the Soundtrack of the Trailer of the Film of Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Good evening. The last scene was interesting from the point of view of a professional logician because it contained a number of logical fallacies; that is, invalid propositional constructions and syllogistic forms, of the type so often committed by my wife.

'All wood burns,' states Sir Bedevere. 'Therefore,' he concludes, 'all that burns is wood.' This is, of course, pure bullshit. Universal affirmatives can only be partially converted: all of Alma Cogan is dead, but only some of the class of dead people are Alma Cogan. 'Oh yes,' one would think. However, my wife does not understand this necessary limitation of the conversion of a proposition; consequently, she does not understand me, for how can a woman expect to appreciate a professor of logic, if the simplest cloth-eared syllogism causes her to flounder?

For example, given the premise, 'all fish live underwater' and 'all mackerel are fish', my wife will conclude, not that 'all mackerel live underwater', but that 'if she buys kippers it will not rain', or that 'trout live in trees', or even that 'I do not love her any more.' This she calls 'using her intuition'. I call it 'crap', and it gets me very irritated because it is not logical. 'There will be no supper tonight,' she will sometimes cry upon my return home. 'Why not?' I will ask. 'Because I have been screwing the milkman all day,' she will say, quite oblivious of the howling error she has made. 'But,' I will wearily point out, 'even given that the activities of screwing the milkman and getting supper are mutually exclusive, now that the screwing is over, surely then, supper may now, logically, be got.' 'You don't love me any more,' she will now often postulate. 'If you did, you would give me one now and again, so that I would not have to rely on that rancid Pakistani for my orgasms.' 'I will give you one after you have got me my supper,' I now usually scream, 'but not before'-- as you understand, making her bang contingent on the arrival of my supper. 'God, you turn me on when you're angry, you ancient brute!' she now mysteriously deduces, forcing her sweetly throbbing tongue down my throat. 'Fuck supper!' I now invariably conclude, throwing logic somewhat joyously to the four winds, and so we thrash about on our milk-stained floor, transported by animal passion, until we sink back, exhausted, onto the cartons of yogurt.

I'm afraid I seem to have strayed somewhat from my original brief. But in a nutshell: sex is more fun than logic-- one cannot prove this, but it 'is' in the same sense that Mount Everest 'is', or that Alma Cogan 'isn't'.

Goodnight.

The Washington Monthly has a running discussion on health care vouchers.

The real question here is, why are the insurance companies so terrified of competing with the government on an equal footing? Health care in Canada runs somewhere around 6 or 7% overhead -- almost all of every dollar goes straight into direct health care. Overhead in the US is several times higher than that.

I think it is entirely appropriate to have private insurance companies in the mix; it is equally important to have government supplying the service as well, subject to the same rules as the private sector. As a citizen, you can take your healthcare voucher to a government hospital or you can take it to a private hospital/insurance plan. If the private companies provide much better service, then that's where the dollars will go, and the government service shrinks accordingly. If the government service just delivers more for your dollar, then your dollars go there.

The fixation on competition in this country inexplicably excludes competition from government, and that competition would keep the private industries honest, as long as the government isn't allowed to cheat.

The oil change analogy is accurate here, too. These private medical organizations provide a service to society; they "change the oil". Why would we pass a law that makes it illegal for society to "change its own oil"? When the private companies can do it more cheaply and do a better job, then we take our money to them. But at a certain point, we might decide $100 for an oil change just isn't worth it, and we'll just do it ourselves, thank you very much.

You know how gas pumps now all have computerized advertisments on them, that play across the little screen? Here was the text that scrolled across the screen when I tanked up yesterday:

"B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R We have just the thing on days like this Why not warm up inside with our hot chocolate or coffee? Free 16oz cup with B-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R We have just the thing..." etc.

Temperature at the pump: ~84F.

Court Rules Against Pot for Sick People

The arguments of the majority in this case appear to be "Well, it IS, after all, federal law". They were presented with an opportunity to legislate from the bench, and they refused to do so, an act for which I think they are to be commended.

But, dang - this is such a silly issue for which to have a controlling federal law that it begs for some form of quick legislative solution.

No, I'm not a capital-L Libertarian who believes that all drugs should be legal. In fact, I'm not certain I even have an opinion on the matter, to be honest with you. But this smacks of a matter to be decided locally, particularly since marijuana is among the more benign substances with which Americans self-medicate.

A good friend of mine lives in Mendocino County, CA, and the law there is that pot's OK, for medicinal purposes or any other. I've noticed nothing untoward in my visits to the area, other than the fact that some of the residents are a little more intentionally (faux?) laid back and environmentally wacky than I prefer, but I attribute that to something other than the killer weed.

And no, I don't give much weight to the claims that smoking pot makes you terminally stupid. For that, you can just go sniff the air in Pasadena TX.

If, while reading through parts one and two of the mondo life advice post you think of any bits of wisdom or advice that you've learned, feel free to leave them in the comments.

This is part two of the advice file. Page one can be found here.
Buying Cars

• Gas is one of the smallest costs of running a vehicle (maintenance, tires, insurance, depreciation, licensing, …).
• Used – I prefer bigger engines. A larger engine won’t have as much of its life used up as a smaller one (fewer revs/mile), and gas mileage isn’t that much less.
• Old people cars tend to be driven by old people and not abused.
• Big cars are a lot of fun for road trips.
• New cars depreciate really, REALLY fast.
• If the car looks trashed, it probably hasn’t been taken care of mechanically either.
• Don’t believe anyone when they say something has just been rebuilt or replaced. Ask to see receipts. People lie.
• If buying from a dealership, search for a young salesman (he needs to make quota, and may feel a little worse about really ripping you off).
• At the end of the month, many salesmen are feeling quota pressure, and it is a good time to buy.
• Have a mechanic check it out. (A state safety inspection covers a lot). It will give you negotiating room.
• Have a friend help you negotiate.
• A car is NEVER an investment.
• Don’t bother trying to buy the most expensive or flashiest car. Someone will always have a nicer one.
• Look at car ownership as a “transportation utility” like cable, electric or gas. It’s what you pay every month to get around. This will help you judge how much is reasonable to pay for Basic or Expanded cable
• Expect problems from cars that have been raced hard.
• Some people like to tinker with their cars.
• Have a good reason if you’re not buying a reliable car.
• Leases can give you a lower monthly payment, but fewer options when the lease ends. The cost of ownership will be the same, it's just a question of when you pay the money.
• Seriously consider driving a beater car until you can afford to pay cash. Paying interest sucks.
• Think twice before buying a new car. It loses thousands of dollars of value the second you drive off the dealer's lot. Consider buying a two-year lease return, they often have warranties just as good as new cars.

Traveling

• Pee whenever you get the chance
• Carry water
• Get a passport and you will join the 10% of Americans who have passports.
• Don’t drive sleepy. It can be more dangerous than drinking and driving. Pull over and nap.
• Don’t nap while leaving accessories or radio on. You may not be able to start your car when you wake up. It’s OK to leave the car idling while you sleep. Lock the doors.
• Wal-Mart allows people to sleep in their vehicles on their parking lots overnight.
• Motel parking lots are another good place to park and sleep.
• Don’t buy black luggage. Someone will walk away with it at the airport.
• Add something to your suitcase (e.g. ribbon on the handle) to make it look different.
• You won’t need as many clothes as you think
• It’s nice to live in a place that is an airline hub.
• Take your shoes off while driving and you’ll be much cooler
• Study the maps. Maps are cool.
• Always be a step or two ahead of your directions.
• Stop and ask, or call for directions if you are lost.
• Plan your route unless you plan to wander.
• Stay out of big cities during rush hour.
• Eat at the diner that has the most vehicles parked in front of it.
• Take the time to eat inside sometimes.
• You’ll find the best food at places with the smallest menu. Specialties of the house are best.
• Places with a huge menu tend to specialize in nothing
• When traveling, eat locally. When you’re in Iowa, don’t go for the seafood, go for the steak.
• Rest areas sometimes carry a lot of maps.
• Boring is under-rated sometimes. Boring is getting to the airport on time, finding parking, taking off on time, landing on time, having your baggage and rental car waiting for you.
• Go to a diner, talk to the old guys reading their newspapers. They know where all the really cool stuff is.
• If you’ve got the time, take the scenic route.
• On a map, the squiggly lines are the scenic route.

Camping

• Air mattress pumps are better than blowing for starting a fire.
• Never use gasoline to light a fire.
• Never use LOTS of white gas to start a fire.
• Bonfires can explode when you do.
• Really!
• Diesel, lamp oil, and kerosene are far less dangerous.
• Charcoal lighter fluid is relatively safe.
• Let fluid soak into the wood before lighting it.
• When using charcoal, use the lighter fluid to soak the briquettes and wait several minutes. They will light much easier. (Read the directions).
• Big plastic sheeting wrapped around a tent works great in a rainstorm.
• Frozen water bottles are better than ice in a cooler. Less messy, and you have cold water to drink.
• 5 day coolers.
• Chill things before they go into the cooler and your ice will last longer.
• Block ice and dry ice last longest.
• Use Ziploc bags and plastic containers.
• Ice water with meat juice is just gross.

Women

• Don’t stare at her boobs. Look her in the face when you talk to her. She’ll notice and approve.
• If you don’t ask her out, the answer will always be no.
• Don’t be scared of no for an answer.
• Don’t talk about yourself ad nauseum. Ask her questions.
• Respect her.
• Don’t hit on every girl you meet. Talk to her. She will have friends.
• “Let’s be friends” means I’m not interested in you that way. Period. She’s not going to change her mind. Remember though, she has friends.
• Pay attention when she says no.
• When she asks “do you want to go out?” She means she wants to go out.
• When they go to the bathroom together, they ARE talking about you.
• Don’t be a stalker.
• Rub her feet.
• Dogs and babies are chick magnets.
• She’ll let you know if she’s interested. Pay attention.
• If she’s talking to you, you’ve got a chance.
• If she’s playing with her hair and laughing at MY jokes, she’s probably interested.
• Flowers, chocolate and jewelry always work.
• Hold the door open
• Unlock her door and open it for her
• Most women are way too sensitive about their bodies.
• If she doesn’t think she’s beautiful, you aren’t telling her often enough.
• Be careful if she has more than 2 cats.
• Never, ever, EVER ask her if she is gaining weight (and expect to survive it).
• I really don’t know the answer to “Do these jeans make me look fat?” “No” is always a good bet.
• Sometimes “I need to change the oil in the car” works. Don’t be stupid.
• Know that the picture she has up in her personals ad is the best picture ever taken in the last 10 years.
• When she asks you how her clothes look, never say “Fine.” Then she will ask what is wrong with them and you’ll never get to leave.
• You’ll never win if you complain about her running late.
• If she talks to you, you’ve got a chance
• If a guy lets her drive his car, he REALLY like you
• When you meet a girl, pretend she is an old friend and you’re just catching up with what she’s been doing since you saw her last.
• If you should happen to win an argument, apologize immediately. Don’t gloat.

Relationships and Love

• You should be absolutely, completely, insanely, head-over-heels in love with her, or you’re just having fun.
  Sex isn’t love
• Lust isn’t love
• Infatuation isn’t love
• The initial infatuation phase is easy, but pay attention to the things that bother you at the beginning. Those are the things that will cause you much heartache later on.
• Chemistry is easy.
• Love is easy.
• You can love someone that is bad for you to be around.
• Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
• Listen to your friends sometimes.
• Don’t waste time in bad relationships, or ones where you have to work too hard.
• It’s the little things that count. You break up immediately over the big things.
• You don’t have to be monogamous
• You do have to be honest and upfront about it
• Be careful who you have sex with for extended periods of time. Sex makes you develop powerful feelings.
• When you find out she’s a psycho – Run!
• Do not date psychotic people. Instead, find a sane person who is crazy in bed. Date her.
• Keep your heart open, even if it hurts.
• If you ask her on a date, you pay.
• If you want to go on a date, call it a date.
• Most fights are about sex, money and religion
• You WILL run into that person again; clean up your bad relationships
• People get hurt, it’s part of relationships.
• Don’t hurt people unnecessarily.
• Don’t stay in a relationship because you’ll hurt the other person.
• Don’t marry the first person you sleep with on a regular basis.
• Moving in with someone is a HUGE step. Don’t do it just for the sex or financial reasons. Orgasms don’t last long enough.
• Be very careful about moving in with someone – it’s far harder to break up.
• It’s better to be hurt earlier than later.
• Love isn’t possessive. For me, love is when you want the very best for the other person, even if it hurts you.
• It hurts and is unfair when one person is more in love than the other. Don’t prolong it or expect it to change.
• Be yourself. It’s better to have someone fall in love with you than to fall in love with the front you are putting on.
• Long Distance Relationships are hard, and often don’t work out.
• Same with regular relationships.
• Don't marry someone you don't want to make mad love to. It won't end well.
• Love with a big open heart.
• All heartbreaks mend.
• If someone doesn't want you any longer, don't try to keep them.
• Be able to talk with her. Talk and talk and talk about interesting things.
• You don’t have to talk all the time.
• Some of the scariest words to hear are “Honey, we need to talk.”

Sex

• Sometimes the sweetest, nicest time is before anything happens. Getting to know her can be really spectacular.
• Women get pregnant. If you and she haven't discussed this possibility, you shouldn't be having sex.
• Sex can be very special. It’s nice to keep it that way.
• Kissing counts. Time spent kissing makes you live longer.
• Kiss more than just lips.
• There’s this one spot at the base of the neck that just begs to be kissed.
• Some men are show-ers, some are grow-ers. We’re all about the same size when excited.
• Practice safe sex
• Some practices are riskier than others
• Don’t necessarily believe a woman that says she’s on birth control. Some people lie.
• Diseases can ruin your life.
• Babies will completely change your life.
• You’re an adult. Adults that have sex get tested for STDs on a regular basis.
• Just because she looks healthy and clean doesn’t mean she doesn’t have STDs.
• If you’re too embarrassed to talk about birth control, you shouldn’t be having sex.
• Emergency contraceptives exist and are very safe and effective. Condoms can fail. Some states require a doctor’s prescription. The sooner you use them, the better, but generally you’ve got 72 hours. Be prepared, have a kit stowed around someplace.
• Being naked is easy. Opening up and trusting is hard.
• Lube.
• Leather is sexy.
• Confidence is very sexy.
• Dishpan hands are sexier (on a guy).
• Be careful about getting to know people on-line first. You can’t fall in love on-line. There may be no spark.
• Nice girls aren’t nice all the time.
• Bad girls aren't bad all the time.
• Nice girls have sex too.
• Don’t be afraid to talk to her about your fantasies. Move slowly. Guess what, she has fantasies too. They may be the same. You may get to share.
• Candles are romantic
• Rose petals on the bed are very romantic, but they can stain the sheets.
• Change the sheets.
• Some women like dirty movies.
• Some women like porn.
• Some women think porn is cheating.
• Don’t get addicted to porn (over sex with your Significant Other).
• It’s OK to masturbate.
• All guys masturbate (or lie about it).
• It’s not a race, take your time.
• Savage Love is the best sex advice column. Pay attention to what he has to say. www.citypages/savagelove
• Dan Savage advice to a 15 year old boy http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0511,savage,62041,24.html
• Dan Savage advice to 15 year old girls - http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0517,savage,63383,24.html http://villagevoice.com/people/0517,websavage,63354,24.html
• “Be good, giving and game” – Dan Savage
• Be open
• Experiment.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
• Not every woman orgasms.
• Not every woman orgasms during sex.
• Take lots of time with her during foreplay, you’ll never regret it.
• Learn to love eating pussy!
• Learn about the G-spot. It’s not mythical.
• Every woman likes to be touched differently. Find out what she likes.
• Sex changes everything. It’s hormones.
• Ask what she wants
• Don’t have regular sex with someone that isn’t a friend too.
• Figure out when her period is. Use a calendar. Be aware that PMS can start a week before this, and can make her very difficult to reason with. Pamper her.
• Chocolate will make her feel better.
• Shave. Whiskers scratch. Really.
• Take condoms with you when you go out for the evening.
• I prefer Durex
• Some people are allergic to latex. There are polyurethane condoms.
• Two forms of birth control are MUCH safer than one.
• Condoms break, especially cheap ones.
• Condoms are cheaper in big packs.
• Don't be nice to someone just to get in their pants.
• If it works, you'll both feel bad about it.
• Don’t put anything up your butt that doesn’t have a handle.
• A string is not a handle.
• A light bulb doesn’t have a handle (talk to a friend that is an ER nurse, ask about vacuuming naked stories).
• When a guy hits on you, just say “No thank you” (unless you are interested).
• If you have really, um, eclectic tastes, use the Internet and be honest.
• All he wants to do is get in your pants.
• He will say anything to get in your pants.
• There is far more to sex than just a penis and vagina. Think fingers, lips, tongue, massages, ….
• There are some REALLY good books to improve your technique. Find them. Pay attention. Use them. Practice, practice, practice.

Moving

• Get a larger moving truck than you think you’ll need.
• You can find boxes in the dumpsters behind the stores.
• Garbage bags work in a pinch, but try to put everything into boxes if you possibly can. Moving will go much more quickly.
• Pack everything BEFORE your friends come over.
• You can’t have too much packing tape.
• When packing the truck, stack all the boxes at the fron first, floor to ceiling. Put light, bulky stuff on top of the boxes. Then stand a mattress in front of it. Use rope to keep it from shifting around.
• All glass and mirrors are packed in the truck vertically. Otherwise they break easily.
• Local movers cost less than you think, and they have insurance.
• It’s nice to tell movers that the dresser goes in the upstairs, back bedroom.
• Use hand carts with boxes.
• Pack books in small boxes.
• Pack important stuff separately and keep it with you.
• Paying for a storage unit is usually a waste of money. Think about what you’re paying and what the stuff you have is worth. It is usually a lot cheaper to buy something over again.
• Cross-country movers are much less convenient, you work to their schedule, and have a reputation for coming in with bills that are far higher than their estimates.
• U-Haul has the worst trucks.
• You can hire movers to pack your self-drive truck.
• Your auto insurance probably won’t cover insurance on a truck. Neither does American Express. Check first.
• If you’re worried about the truck being stolen when you stop someplace, pull out the distributor wire and put it in your pocket.

Apartment Life

• Read the lease carefully.
• Sometimes there are a lot of stupid rules, but you still have to follow them.
• Cats are much easier to hide than dogs.
• Split utilities; don’t have everything in your name.
• Come up with some ground rules ahead of time.
• Pay your bills on time. Make sure your roommate does too.
• Don’t let your roommate lie to you about paying the rent (and just taking your money).
• You will be responsible for the entire lease if your roommate bails.
• Don’t make the other person always do dishes, or clean, or ….
• Spend a lot of time talking with a potential roommate. He/she is going to become your new best friend (or at least the person you end up spending the most time with).
• Renter’s insurance will cover you on theft, fire and liability. The landlord’s insurance will not.
• Keep the common area neater
• Keeping things neat takes very little effort. Just consistency and a little time each day.
• Cockroaches suck. Don’t leave food out.
• Have a private space you can retreat to.
• Storage space is really nice.
• Some people really need their space.

Pets

• Pets are a lifetime (theirs) commitment
• It can be hard to find a place to live if you have a pet (especially a large dog).
• Have it spayed or neutered. Do not bring unnecessary life onto the planet.
• You can leave a cat for a weekend
• Dogs need to be walked several times a day, no matter what the weather.
• Dogs are like having a child that never gets past age 2.
• Using the good dog food results in a lot less crap.

TV

• TV rots your mind
• TV sucks up tons of time
• You’ll sit and watch stupid shows for hours on end. Don’t waste your time.
• Most shows are so predictable, that you know within a couple of minutes what is going to happen for the next hour.
• Sometimes it’s good to veg out. But be conscious about what you’re doing.
• Don’t use TV to avoid things.
• Be conscious about what you watch.
• Cable is expensive.
• Netflix

First Aid/Emergency

• Don’t throw away old cell phones. Keep a phone and its charger in the car. Even with no service plan, you can always make emergency calls.
• Take a Red Cross First Aid and CPR class. Better to have it and never need it than need it and not have it.
• The Red Cross sometimes offers first-responder and disaster preparedness courses. They aren’t very expensive, usually really fun, and the information you learn might save lives.
• Learn how to do the Heimlich maneuver.
• Always have a first aid kit in the car and another at home. A decent one costs about $20 and will include a small first aid manual.
• If you’re not sure whether to call 911 in the event of an injury because you’re not sure how serious it is, call.
• The purpose of first aid is to stabilize the patient until emergency services arrive.
• If you see an accident/injury:
  1. Remain calm.
  2. Have someone call 9/11.
  3. If there are people around, tell them to move back.
  4. Ask if anyone else has medical training.
  5. If you have the most skills, assess the extent of injuries first.
  6. If the victim is conscious, tell them to remain calm, and ask where it hurts.
  7. Now start applying first aid. Don’t rush – all of the above shouldn’t take longer than 20-30 seconds, and it will help you remain calm and focused.
• If you don’t have first aid training:
  • Apply pressure and bandages to cuts.
  • If you don’t have sterile bandages, a t-shirt makes excellent bandage material.
  • Immobilize sprains, joint injuries and possible broken bones.
  • Raise the legs to reduce the risk of shock. (Don’t do this if they have leg injuries, though.)
  • Don’t move the patient unless you absolutely have to.
• Buy an old Boy Scout manual at a used book store. Those things are chock full of useful information. (The older, the better.)
• http://www.fema.gov and http://www.redcross.org have tons more useful information.

Guns

• I'm not going to get into the politics of gun ownership here.
• And I’m not going to pretend that guns don’t exist.
• Always assume the gun is loaded, even if you just checked it.
• Never point a gun at someone unless you want to and are willing to use it.
• Otherwise it may be shoved up your ass and used by someone who is willing.
• Never put your finger inside the trigger guard until you are ready to fire.
• Everyone should learn gun safety (especially kids).
• Your kids know where the guns are at.
• Burglars know where to look for guns too.
• Use a trigger lock or a gun safe.
• Check your state and local laws when owning a gun.
• Carrying a loaded gun in the car is illegal in many states. Have it unloaded, locked up, and in the trunk unless you have a carry permit.
• It is far too late for gun control; there are too many guns out there.
• The caliber of a gun refers to the diameter of the bullet (e.g. .22 is 0.22 inches across, 9mm, etc.). The exception is a .38, where the diameter is 0.357", due to historical reasons.
• The gauge of a shotgun refers to the number of spherical lead balls that fit into the barrel that it takes to make a pound. Lower numbers have bigger barrels. The exception is a .410. It has a barrel diameter of 0.410".
• Shot size refers to the size of the pellets, or shot in a shotgun shell. The lower the number, the bigger the shot. Each 000 Buck pellet is about .36”, #8 is .089”.
• A magnum round is larger, has more gunpowder, more power, and the gun is beefed up to handle this.
• A .410 is easier to control than a 20-gauge is easier to control than a 12-gauge.
• Hearing the action of a pump shotgun WILL make a burglar shit his pants.
• Own a pistol for targets, hunting or mobile protection; do not own a pistol for home defense, there you want a shotgun.
• A .410 or 20-gauge pump (you want the sound, see above) with a pistol grip and the barrel 1/4 to 1/2 inch OVER the legal minimum.
• Number 4 shot (size of a BB) will take down or discourage just about anybody, spreads out so a hit is more likely and you really don’t have to worry about killing someone in the next room when (WHEN) you miss.
• Practice!
• You can practice all day with a .22 for next to nothing. Other bullets are expensive.
• Revolvers are simple.
• A revolver looks like the traditional six-shooter in Western films.
• A pistol usually uses a magazine in the handle to hold bullets (and is sometimes referred to correctly as a semi-automatic, and loosely as an automatic).
• A rifle fires bullets.
• A shotgun fires shot (lead BBs) or slugs.
• A single-shot needs to be re-loaded every time you fire it.
• A semi-automatic shoots one bullet every time you pull the trigger. These are sometimes referred to as automatics.
• An automatic shoots more than one bullet every time you pull the trigger (think machine gun).
• These are very heavily regulated. You really do not want to own one of these unless you become a collector and you like talking to cops.
• Never draw a gun if you don’t believe you need to kill someone.
• Think about the situations you would use it in advance.
• A gun is not a magic wand that makes people do what you want. It is a tool for killing. Don’t believe the movies.
• FBI studies show that most gun fights happen in the dark, at ranges less than twenty feet, and that over 80% of all shots fired miss.
• The caliber of a weapon will largely tell you how much damage it can do BUT, the danger in the weapon lies in who is firing it.
• Example, 50 Cent got shot multiple times with a 9 mm, no round came close to a vital spot and he lived; on the other hand, people have been killed from one shot from a .22.
• Always shoot two-handed.
• Two words, shot placement.
• There are things like .25 pistols, (big in the Saturday Night Specials) do not own one of these.
• Cheap guns jam a lot.
• You get what you pay for.

Fighting

• The first rule of unarmed combat: don’t stay unarmed.
• Pens and other devices can make very effective weapons. So can rolled-up magazines. Or furniture.
• Non-obvious weapons are good, A church key can held in the hand and not seen until used and makes one hell of wound. A rolled up magazine works well, see one of the fight scenes in The Bourne Supremacy.
• A baseball bat is a scientifically designed club.
• A pool cue is a close second.
• Big Maglites are good too.
• Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
• Don't argue with or scare a man with a gun. If you do you deserve to get shot.
• Cops have guns.
• An armed society is a polite society.
• Stay the hell away from outlaw bikers of any sort. If you don't, consider yourself lucky that you don't get hurt or in serious trouble or both.
• If confronted with a belligerent asshole, be polite. Make a joke to his friends. Smile. This will diffuse most ugly situations. If not, walk away. Only if you can’t should you consider fighting.
• Learn self-defense techniques, both stand up and ground fighting.
• Be very careful about fighting someone that is trained in fighting (martial arts and boxing).
• Remember, people who train in this sort of thing are a lot more used to getting hit than you are.
• Police are not always handy, especially if you live in the country.
• The police are not required to protect you.
• Knives are very dangerous.
• Be careful with that man with the knife, especially if he knows how to use it. Police are trained that a person with a knife that is 20 feet away can get to them faster than they can pull a gun.
• Some people are good at throwing knives
• Knife fights are messy.
• So are other kinds of fights.
• Be aware of the state laws concerning blade length. It will be considered a concealed weapon unless you are wearing it in a sheath on your belt.
• Most people are not natural born fighters. They have to psych themselves up for it. This involves shouting, getting red in the face, and pushing. If there is no way you can walk away from a fight, hit first. Surprise is a huge advantage.
• Never, ever, punch a man in the jaw. You aren’t at all likely to knock him out. You are likely to break your hand.
• Best targets: palm strike to the nose, stomp on the instep, knee to the groin, kick to the knee, punch to the solar plexus. In about that order.
• If you’re going to hit someone, hit as hard as you can. Half¬assing it will get you hurt.
• Aim to hit several inches beyond the target, that way you’ll be certain to follow through. Practice this.
• If you are associating with a man that has hair shaved off of his arms at random you are probably looking at what are called knife fighter's shaves. These people like knives and generally know how to use them, The shaved bits are where they are testing the sharpness of their blades.
• Be aware that blade style is also a factor in some states, a spear blade knife is illegal in Mass and a couple of other states. Similarly for butterfly knives.
• A vest that will stop a bullet will not stop a well thrust knife.

More Advice

• Read The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, http://www.bobgod.com/writer/lazaruslong.html

My friend has a son who is turning 18 and graduating from high school. He wanted to give his son some good advice, and so he started this list and passed it around until it got big enough to stand on its own. Over this last weekend at the burn, one of my personal highlights was looking at, and contributing a bit to, this list. It's a long list, so look below the fold.
Life Advice

From Dad and His Friends

This is dedicated to my son Kyle on his high school graduation. He lives in Iowa and I live in DC. He is an 18 year old young man now, and is coming out to visit me for a little bit after graduation.

There is all sorts of advice I’ve been thinking about to give him, and I get a little distracted sometimes (oooo…shiny). It started when talking about doing car repairs with him on the phone. I decided to start writing down a list of things I wish I had known. I’ve spent 42 years learning (and not learning) these lessons.

While preparing this list, I started sharing it with friends to see what they would add or change. I’m amazed at the interest in it. If nothing else, it can be pretty entertaining (and embarrassing, how do you think I learned some of these lessons? And no, I didn’t learn ALL of them by myself. That’s part of wisdom, learning from other people’s mistakes.).

I love you Kyle!

Most Important

• Mom and Dad will always love you. No matter what.
• Love matters.
• Friends matter.
• Happiness matters.
• Happiness is a choice.
• Follow your passion.
• If you want unconditional love, get a dog.
• If you know it’s going to cause embarrassing questions and people laughing in the hospital, well, just don't do it, no matter how much fun it sounds.
• And for heaven's sake, call your mother!
• I’m always just a phone call away.
• Not one of the rules is absolute.
• All generalizations are false.
• Almost every line here tells a story. Ask me.
• I don’t follow these all the time either.
• I’m still learning.
• Stay away from people that aren’t learning.
• Sometimes we all will jump off a bridge just because everybody else does.

Excuses

• “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”
• “I meant to do that.”
• “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
• “It was that way when I got here.”

Living

• Dance like nobody is watching you. I dance like a white boy. I am a white boy and dance like one and everyone knows it. I can be very entertaining.
• The secret is in the hips and listening to the beat.
• If you laugh too, they’re laughing WITH you, not AT you.
• Don’t trust someone that says trust me.
• Trust me on this one.
• Be able to laugh at yourself, it makes life easier and more fun.
• Become a bit of a character. It’s a lot more fun.
• Freaks tend to be more interesting.
• Don’t let your possessions own you.
• You are not your clothes, your car, your computer, your religion, your family, your money, your possessions, your clothes, your ….
• Most of the time you can be both good AND nice but when you have to choose between one and the other, be good.
• It is never too early or too late to do something you want to do.
• The time you have right now is possibly the most precious you will ever have. You will never again be as free as you are right now. Don't squander it by playing it safe....
• Life is an essay question, therefore reject all answers that require you to pick True or False.
• Not everything on the Internet is true.
• Johnny Cash rocks. People that disagree aren’t worth listening to.
• Be eccentric about something.
• Don’t panic.
• Don’t spend all your time on the computer – it’s escapist. Live life in the real world.
• Learn to make small talk – weather, sports, something they’re wearing. Practice! Come up with a good question. Mine is “So what do you do for fun?”
• The best thing to do when you get a nap attack is to lie down and wait for the feeling to go away.
• Figure out your boundaries in advance.
• Learn to say “No thank you” gracefully.
• Don’t be afraid to say no. You can change your mind later. You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone (and sometimes it just doesn’t feel right).
• Pay attention to Miss Manners: http://women.msn.com/mannersindex.armx.
• It’s a good thing to be selfish sometimes.
• Most adults make it up as they go along.
• I do.
• Don’t use alcohol as an excuse for doing something stupid, or for doing something you really want to do. Take responsibility. I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
• Sometimes keeping a journal, or writing things out, can get thoughts out of your head. So can talking with a friend.
• Journaling helped me organize my thoughts better. It’s one thing to have an opinion floating around in your head. It’s another to put it into words. It’s good practice.
• Check out weird rumors on www.snopes.com.
• Life isn’t fair. Get used to it.
• Some piercings don’t set off metal detectors.
• Sit when you get the chance.
• The menu is not the meal. The map is not the territory. The brochure is not the vacation. The ad is not the product. The news is not the event (Neither is the testimony).
• Be careful about teasing people too much.
• Send thank you notes or emails. Always.
• Leave no trace.
• Never buy pre-written greeting cards. Buy lots of blank cards and write. There are lots of cool quotes and poems out there.
• Always check the toilet seat before you sit down.
• Don’t pee on the seat (use your foot if you have to).
• When at a woman’s house, always put the seat back down.
• Some jokes are funny once, some every time. Know the difference.
• Farts are always funny.
• Tattoos are pretty much forever.
• Piercings aren’t.
• Use the best tattoo artist you can find. Look around.
• You can bring in your own drawings.
• Sometimes people that come to your house will steal things.
• Hide or lock up your valuables.
• Especially electronics.
• Never drunk dial.
• When you’re really pissed off and write an email, let it sit overnight.
• Emails can be forwarded.
• Be careful when responding to an email on a list. There can be a HUGE difference between reply and reply all.
• Take off your sunglasses when talking to people.
• Google anything you have questions about www.google.com
• Google him/her
• Never trust a reporter. Many have an agenda, and you may be grievously misquoted and taken out of context. There is a reason why corporations direct all inquiries to a specific media person.
• Publicity can be fun.
• Or not.
• Definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing every time and expecting different results.
• (Unless you’re using Microsoft Windows.)
• Trying is dying.
• Many very sarcastic people are just sexually frustrated.
• Travel.
• If you are considering travel, just do it and stop talking about it.
• Don't cheat, if you cheat and win you are just a worthless son-of-a-bitch.
• You can get really good, cheap speaker wire at Home Depot. Just buy heavy gauge electrical wire.
• Pictures stay on the Internet forever. Someone will see it.
• Cowboy wisdom: don't drink downstream of the herd & never squat with your spurs on.
• It’s not a flame-thrower. It’s a flame theatrical device
• You don’t have to be consistent all the time. No one is. Try though.
• “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” – Walt Whitman.
• “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
• Practice compassion.
• Be kind to animals.
• Run away from anyone who isn’t kind to animals.
• Usually it’s better to make a bad decision than no decision at all.
• No decision is a decision.
• Don’t be a perfectionist all the time. 80% is good enough for most things and takes MUCH less time.
• Don’t procrastinate all the time.
• “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
• Sometimes if you put things off long enough, they disappear.
• The perfect is the enemy of the good.
• Anything NOT worth doing is worth doing badly.
• Sometimes there’s never enough time to do something right the first time, but there’s always time to do it over again.
• It’s funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s hilarious.
• ”Comedy is when you fall into a sewer and die. Tragedy is when I get a paper cut.” - Mel Brooks
• All life is politics.
• Everyone gossips.
• High thread count sheets are heaven. She will be in heaven. Buy them online.
• I like feather pillows.
• People do change, but don’t ever expect them to change.
• Take risks.
• Take responsibility for yourself.
• Actions have consequences.
• That sucks.
• Sometimes those consequences can last 18 years, or the rest of your life.
• Being dead broke has improved my personality.
• No one knows what a Hoya or Hoosier are.
• Don’t confuse being good and being lucky.
• It’s good to be good. It’s better to be lucky.
• Have extra keys made and stashed someplace (or with a friend/neighbor/car).
• Live near public transportation.
• Do one thing every day that scares you.
• Forgive (and teach me how).
• Have an email address that you use only for things you might be spammed on.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Make lots of mistakes.
• SAFETY THIRD!!!
• Consider knowing how to do laundry and prepare food prerequisites for adulthood.
• Be polite.
• Life is harder than you can imagine and can be full of unpleasant surprises. Learn from each.
• Don’t make life harder for other people.
• Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.
• Live like you know you won’t meet your soulmate for 10 years.
• Everyone just wants to be liked.
• Mean people really do suck.
• There are a LOT of mean people.
• Some people lie.
• Some people lie on the Internet.
• Lies are hard to remember.
• If you catch someone lying to you more than once, be careful.
• Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one.
• Learn to speak at least one other language.
• Living well is the best revenge.
• Sometimes things just disappear. Don’t worry about it.
• Never fall in love with something that can’t love you back.
• Enjoy your life.
• I have an addictive personality. Be careful about what you do.
• The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If you go straight in your knife might get caught up on his chest bones.
• When something is repeated often enough, people begin to believe it.
• Don’t believe everything you hear.
• Cities with a big gay population are a lot more interesting.
• Don’t confuse cause and effect.
• Always keep your keys, wallet, glasses in the same place.
• Be curious. The most interesting people I know are curious.
• ADD is not necessarily a disease. Every interesting person I know exhibits these symptoms, and – Oh Look! Shiny!
• Fans in addition to air conditioning will keep you cooler and cost less.
• Murphy was an optimist.
• GIGO (Garbage In, Garbage Out)
• Don’t be afraid to have secrets.
• Keep secrets.
• It’s OK to have some secret vices.
• My secret vice – I love Cosmo.
• e.g. means “for example.”
• i.e. means “that is.”
• Laptops and other electronic devices like to disappear. Watch them carefully.
• 99% of people don’t like to talk about computers, networking, …. Take time to think about if they really would be interested. Don’t make their eyes glaze over. They will want to run away. And never come back.
• If you find you are the only one talking, shut up and listen.
• If you ask someone lots of questions, they will think you are a terrific conversationalist.
• If it is a sport that uses helmets, wear a helmet.
• Protect your head. Trust me.
• Safety gear is not dorky.
• Love until you burn.
• Find your own spirit, then develop your own spirituality.
• Friendster is so last year. Tribe.
• Trust your intuition. Read The Gift of Fear.
• I’ve never ignored my intuition without regretting it
• Don’t take yourself so seriously.
• Don’t be stupid.
• Sometimes your father really is Darth Vader.
• Life WILL be hard. The best skill you can learn is to cope.
• Grownups don’t always do the right thing.
• That’s so wrong.
• Pain is often a useful signal, it can tell you which direction growth is.
• How you treat others *IS* how you treat yourself, so the most selfish thing is to be considerate.
• If you're grumpy or have a headache, drink some water. Better yet, don't wait.
• If life starts being like a country music song, start a country music band.

Principles

• Don’t start fights, but don’t be afraid to fight.
• Bravery is not lack of fear. It’s being scared as hell and doing it anyway.
• Don’t be too easy going all the time. There are times when you should be furious.
• Use your intuition. Practice. Trust it and follow it.
• Stand up for your principles
• If it feels wrong it probably is.
• You must be better than the people you oppose.
• If you don't fight against the things you think are wrong, you are complicit (teach me this one).
• Labor is not inherently any less corrupt than the owners, but they are the underdogs, and rooting for the underdogs is profoundly American.

Law

• Just because it’s legal, doesn’t make it right.
• Just because it’s illegal, doesn’t make it wrong.
• Don’t argue with the cop.
• Know the rules. If you break them, break them knowingly. Ignorance of the law is not a valid excuse.
• Don’t whine when you get caught.
• Don’t get caught.
• You wouldn’t be the first person to run away when the cops are coming.
• If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Police

• By the time lawyers or the police are involved, it's already too late.
• If you are in serious trouble with the police, don’t say anything but “I want to talk to my lawyer.” Don’t make up stories. Don’t engage in any conversation. “I want to talk to my lawyer.” “I want to talk to my lawyer.” “I want to talk to my lawyer.” Trying to talk your way out can get you in worse trouble. Don’t talk.
• Jail sucks.
• If going to jail, wear boots. They WILL take your laces, but boots stay on better than athletic shoes.
• The cop is always right even if the cop is wrong. Be smart. Show respect. Take the ticket or the lecture. Then do your bitching later.
• Lawyers can be reallllllly expensive.
• You don’t have to go to the station with them unless they arrest you.
• You don’t have to let the police search your car unless they have a warrant.
• Don’t show off illegal things to people.
• Don’t leave illegal things out where they can be seen from the door or through a window.
• You don’t have to let police into your house without a warrant.

Friends

• If they’re friends, you trust them. You can wake them at 2AM to bail you out. Acquaintances are different.
• Friends Matter!
• Friendship comes with responsibilities.
• Friends tell friends what they don’t want to hear
• Friends will tell you things you don’t want to hear
• Take care of your friends and they will take care of you.
• Never leave a drunk friend behind.
• A person who is mean to other people is not your friend. Don’t pretend otherwise. Mean people really DO suck.
• Some of my best friends are flakes. I’m a flake. You may not be able to count on them to do things, but they are a lot of fun. Don’t count on them to do things.
• Groups change
• The worst words to hear from a friend are “But I love him…” Love is not enough.
• Be careful what you promise
• Don’t trust people too readily, but don’t distrust everyone either.
• Not everyone is going to like you. Some people will love you, some will think you’re an asshole.
• Sometimes at the same time. They are all correct.
• Don’t try too hard to please everyone. It’s needy behavior.
• Tell the truth (most of the time). It’s part of confidence, people will respect you more.
• Keep an open mind, it may be more useful than you think.
• Don’t be too quick to make judgments.
• Or too slow.
• People that are too sure of themselves all the time really don’t know everything.
• Don’t ever say something about someone that you wouldn’t say to their face. Count on it getting back to them.
• Sociopaths have no conscience. There are more than you think – 1 out of 25 people. And they look like normal people.
• If you want a friend, feed an animal.
• Friends don’t let friends talk drunk.
• Friends don’t let friends beer goggle.

People

• Not everyone is like you
• People can be wired very differently
• Make people smile
• Be nice, but not necessarily all the time
• Assertive is much different than aggressive
• Don’t be aggressive
• Don’t be afraid to be a goof.
• Stay away from crazy people, they are unpredictable, and can get you into a lot of trouble too.
• Women are easy to get along with as long as you remember that they are all insane.
• Men too.
• People tend to be most sensitive to what they’re guilty of. If a person is worried about being cheated all the time, watch yourself around him.
• Learning about personality styles – Myers-Briggs, Enneagram, and NLP – will help you understand people a lot better. Some types will drive you crazy, and some you’ll find yourself attracted to.
• Some people can bring a party to a screeching halt just by being there. Avoid these people.
• You don’t need an excuse not to like someone. Trust your instincts.
• Illegitimi non carborundum (Don’t let the bastards wear you down).

Drinking/Partying

• Never show up at a party empty-handed.
• Drinking and driving is stupid. It can get you (or someone else) killed or jailed. And drunk driving is rarely as fun in real life as when P. J. O'Rourke or Hunter Thompson write about it.
• Make sure you eat before going out drinking (drinking on an empty stomach is bad news). Greasy is better.
• Food makes you get drunk more slowly, and dry heaves suck.
• Gatorade before you go to sleep is a good thing (I like having the powdered around).
• Drinking at high altitude will really mess you up. You’ll get drunk a lot faster.
• Mixed drinks can sneak up on you.
• Drinking beer tends to be easier to regulate.
• Drink lots of soda/water too.
• Spacers: drink at least a small glass of water between every drink. You'll party longer, and feel better in the morning.
• Be very, VERY careful of the punch.
• Be careful when out drinking alone (roofies and/or violence).
• Watch your drink.
• Be aware of your surroundings.
• Leave if you’re not comfortable.
• Tip.
• Don’t drive to parties.
• Alcohol is a LOT more expensive in bars
• If you’re drinking all day, pace yourself.
• Be very careful about mixing alcohol and drugs. There can be LOTS of unpredictable results.
• If you do play tricks and take pictures of a passed out friend, never pass out around friends.

Clothing/Style

• You’ll notice that you get more compliments on some clothes than others. Everybody has a color that makes them look good. Stick with those colors as much as possible.
• Coordinate with those colors so mixing and matching clothes gives you a lot of outfits to wear.
• When buying pants, check to see what your butt looks like in them. Everyone else will.
• Certain brands are going to fit you better than others. Try lots of clothes on, then stick with the ones that fit your body shape best. Same with shoes. You generally only have to do this once.
• Sometimes uncomfortable clothes are worth it if they make you look really good.
• Wear clean underwear (if you choose to wear underwear).
• Hopefully, someone will be seeing your underwear. It’s nice sometimes to have more than just tighty-whities.
• I like silk boxers and boxer briefs.
• Layers.
• If you have lots of matching socks, losing one isn’t a big deal and they are easy to match.
• If you wear glasses, get more than one pair. They will completely change your look, far more so than clothes.
• Pay attention to textures.
• Have a really nice T-shirt. I like silk.
• Heavy cotton, V-neck, white T-shirts.
• If you have lots of underwear, socks and T-shirts, you won’t have to do laundry as much.
• She will look at your shoes and belt.
• Polish your shoes.
• Socks should match your trousers.
• I’m still trying to figure out when white socks are appropriate (for other than exercise). I’m told never.
• Play with different hair styles.
• Play with different hair colors.
• Have at least one really cool costume.
• Have at least one great set of clothes for going out in.
• At least once, buy a bespoke (custom) suit from a good tailor
• High quality clothes might cost twice, but they will last five times as long, are more comfortable, and look SOOOO much better.
• I have really nice shoes I’ve re-soled 4x. They are the best I’ve ever had.
• Think of clothing as a costume, you are always projecting an image.
• If you are stylistically challenged, find a book on style. Read it and pay attention.
• Face paint makes a good costume.
• Yellow highlighters glow under black light.
• Bright colors jump out at you under black light.

Health/Taking Care of Yourself

• Don’t wait to go to the doctor. Most problems are easier solved if treated early.
• Doctor appointments in the morning don’t generally run late. Expect to wait a long time with an afternoon appointments.
• Moisturize your face after you wash it (you’ll thank me when you’re 40). Use something with sunscreen in it.
• Sunburns can ruin your weekend
• You’ll burn faster than you think
• Especially around water
• Use lots more sunscreen than you’ll think you’ll need and apply it before you need it (read the directions). It needs to soak in.
• After you are sunburned, apply moisturizer as soon as possible and drink lots of water.
• Pomade tames unruly hair, or makes that hair look unruly.
• Sleep when you get the chance, it’s easy to be deprived.
• Naps are good.
• Be aware though if you’re sleeping too much and are still tired.
• Keep snacks around. I’m a bit hypoglycemic, and sometimes I just need a little bit of food NOW!
• Popcorn is a great snack.
• Don’t start smoking.
• Don’t slouch when you walk. Shoulders back projects confidence, makes you feel more confident and is good for your back.
• Take care of your feet, wrists, knees and back.
• Don’t sleep with your shoes on.
• When you’re sick, often sleeping it off is sometimes the best thing you can do.
• Try to spend some time, everyday, being physically active. Bodies are really amazing things, so don't
  ignore yours!
• You can take up to 3200 mg of ibuprofen/day.
• Baby Wipes.
• I like using a shaving brush with Neutrogena for shaving.
• Cheap razors really are cheap. Use something nice and you won’t regret it.
• Your eyes will change as you get older. My eyes got worse until I hit about 30 then stabilized. At 40 they started getting better.

Reading

• Reading makes you a much more interesting person
• Alternative newspapers are interesting, tell you what is going on in town over the weekend and have good advice columns.
• Advice columns are always fun
• Libraries and huge book stores are a great place to read magazines.
• If you find you are spending a lot of time reading a particular magazine, subscribe to it.
• If you like reading one of the small, alternative magazines, subscribe to it.
• When you lend out books, know that they may never come back.
• Mainstream media tends to be conservative and, being owned by big business, operates in its own best interest and not in the interest of the people.
• When you find a book you like, note the author’s name and read more of her stuff.
• Always carry a book with you. It gives you something to read during downtime.
• Read stuff you disagree with. It will make you understand other people better.

Exercise

• Get some exercise; you can't think if your blood is all stuck in your feet and butt. Go dancing!
• Weightlifting is like yoga – proper form and breath control count.
• Do yoga. Really.
• Stretch.
• Use your body.
• Exercise can change your metabolism and you’ll need less sleep.

Depression

• It can be hard starting college.
• Don’t be afraid to take medicine. You don’t look down on a diabetic because they use insulin.
• Some of the most interesting people I know suffer from depression.
• It can start with just feeling burned out (like you’ve been studying really hard), and the feeling just won’t go away.
• Some people sleep a lot less
• Some people sleep a lot more
• Some people gain weight
• Some people lose weight
• Thinking and studying can be much more difficult
• More people have depression than you could ever imagine
• For me, it’s usually situational. It means that there is something in my life that I’m not doing right. Change your life.
• Depression is not situational for everyone.
• It doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re wired differently.
• A day or three of feeling down is normal and is the blues.
• It’s much, MUCH different than just being blue. It hangs on for weeks.
• Exercise helps.
• Bupropion works for me. So does Ritalin.
• Sometimes you have to try several medications before you find something that works.
• Therapy helps.
• Alcohol makes it worse.
• Just because thoughts run through your mind doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it.
• Talk to me if something comes up. I probably know more about depression than anyone you know.

Work

• I’ve gotten a lot of jobs through www.dice.com.
• Snail mail gets more attention when you send in your resume. Send it to the person you want to hire you (not HR).
• Always be nice to secretaries and admins. They know and talk to everybody.
• When you’re sick, call in sick. Don’t get everybody else sick.
• Keep your resume up to date.
• Network.
• Reverse commutes (or very short commutes) are wonderful!
• Do work that you enjoy, or your life will be miserable. Follow your passion.
• Boring jobs will be a slow, very lingering death.
• Dress for the position you want, not the position you have.
• Companies won’t hesitate to lay you off. Loyalty doesn’t count anymore. Be loyal to yourself.
• The hardest job I ever had I got paid the least for.
• And some of the easiest jobs (for me) paid the most.
• Hard is different for different people.
• Try not to piss your boss off.
• Don’t be afraid to piss your boss off (it’s only a job).
• It’s OK to change jobs.
• Keep your integrity.
• The Peter Principle – People rise to their level of incompetence.
• You don’t have to (or always want to) be promoted.
• First line supervisors take more shit than anyone else. They get it from both ends.
• If you’re an introvert, don’t take a job where you work with lots of people all the time. You’ll be exhausted all the time.

Interviewing

• You write a resume to get an employer’s attention – to get them to call you on the phone.
• You go through the phone interview to get the invite to come in and interview.
• It is during the interview that they will decide whether they want to hire you or not.
• Employers wants to hire someone that will make them look good.
• Employers don’t want to take risks.
• Hiring the wrong person can cost a company a lot of money.
• You should constantly be addressing the question that is in their head – “Why should I hire you?”
• You want the interviewer to be comfortable with you.
• It is better to be over-dressed than under-dressed.
• Get lots of sleep the night before.
• Mirror the person interviewing you (google NLP and mirroring.)
• There are tons of interviewing books out there. Read some.
• These books can prepare you for all sorts of questions.
• Have at least some kind of answer for every question in the book.
• Ask lots of questions. “So tell me about yourself” means give me a 2-minute history of your employment arc and how it applies to this job.
• I’ve had more trouble at jobs because I didn’t heed the warning signs during an interview.
• Remember – some jobs even you don’t want!
• Ask your references if you can use them in advance. Have the information with you for the interview.
• Tell your references what you want them to tell the interviewer.
• Don’t choose sloppy food during a lunch interview. I love BBQ, but it has its place.
• Have the directions to the place printed and in a safe place.
• Get there way early, but don’t show up at the door earlier than 5 minutes before the interview.
• Don’t drink too much coffee before going in.
• Pee first.
• Turn off your cell phone.
• Say yes when they ask if you’d like something to drink.
• Relax.
• Don’t rush.
• They want to hire someone who can show up to work on time. If you are going to be at all late, call.
• Bring something to write with.
• Research them as much as you can before going in.
• Prepare, prepare, prepare!
• Choose your interview time wisely. People tend to be fresher in the morning and more tired in the afternoon.
• If interviewing with several people, remember the questions asked and turn them around to later interviewers. You’ll look brilliant.
• Ask what the pay range is before going in. There’s nothing worse than spending a lot of time interviewing for a job and finding that they are offering you less than what you are currently making.
• You want them to say a salary range first.
• If you have to say something, try “I’m looking for something between x and y, depending on the benefits.” But really, really try to get them to say a number first.
• A couple minutes of this might result in you making $1000s more each year. It’s worth it.
• Remember they will be thinking about the bottom end of the range and you will be thinking at the top end of the range.
• Be careful when they ask a question then say nothing. Some people will babble the worst possible stuff.
• Sometimes questions don’t really have a point – they just want to see what your thinking process is. Share it with them. Buy yourself some time asking additional questions.
• Practice a good handshake.
• Have several extra copies of your resume with you.
• Write each and every person a thank-you note.
• My questions (and always ask open-ended questions). People will say the damndest things if you just ask them.
• Tell me about your management style…
• What is the atmosphere of the company like?
• Ask a potential co-worker to describe the boss’s style.
• Why is the position open?
• How long have you worked here?
• How long have other people worked here?
• Is the company growing? (it’s rough to work at a place that’s laying off or that has a dwindling market share).
• And my favorites to ask:
• What do you see as my weaknesses coming into this job? (it give you a chance to explicitly address any questions they may have).
• What do you see as my strengths coming into this job? (Anytime you can get them thinking positively about you is a good thing)
• Is there anything else you would like to know about me?
• Ask when they expect to make a decision
• Their questions:
• How would your boss describe you?
• How would your co-workers describe you?
• What are your weaknesses? (describe a strength as a weakness, or talk about how you turned around a weakness).
• How do you handle stress?
• How would you describe your boss?
• Have you ever been fired?
• Have you ever had trouble working with someone?
• What was the biggest mistake you’ve ever made, and how did you resolve it? What did you learn?
• What’s the hardest job you’ve ever had and why? The best?
• Why should I hire you?

Money

• If you won't be able to pay off the entire credit card bill when it comes in, don't charge it.
• Pay your bills on time. A credit rating stays with you for a LONG time.
• Use the internet for shopping (ebay, slickdeals.net, froogle), you pay for instant gratification
• Know approximately how much money you have in the bank at all times.
• Late charges really hurt
• Overdraft charges really hurt
• Learn about how money works (stock market, mutual funds, interest rates, taxes, mortgages, …). Money Magazine will provide a lot of the basics.
• A little money saved is sweeter than a hot car. Really.
• Avoid penny stocks.
• Craps and blackjack give you the best odds.
• Systems don’t work.
• Max out your 401K.
• Fold the money so the amount shows and palm it so that when you are passing a tip or a bribe you shake their hand and it slides right out of your hand and into theirs. Do it right and no one knows and the recipient knows you've got at least a little class.
• Track and budget your money. You’d be surprised at how much you spend on coffee, lunches, sodas, ….

Buying Stuff

• Think about what you’re really going to use something for before you buy it. Then think about it some more.
• Be nice to retail and customer service people. They take shit all day long, and have the ability to cut you a huge break. Smoothies can work wonders.
• Consumer research sites.
• Buy online.
• Buy some things used.
• Thrift stores.
• eBay.
• Craigs List (www.craigslist.org.)
• Get advice from friends.
• Having the fastest computer doesn’t make you more of a man. Or the fastest car. Or the hottest girlfriend. Or ….
• Consumer Reports, but it’s not always correct.
• You can negotiate a lot more things than you think.
• Ask for money off if buying the demo or the box is messed up. You’ll probably get it.
• When you spend extra for quality. You’ll remember spending the money for a few days. You’ll live with the quality for the rest of its life.
• Sometimes you get what you pay for.
• Sometimes you don’t.
• Don’t hesitate to walk away if it’s not the deal you want.
• Patience is rewarded.
• Tell yourself you’ll buy it tomorrow, then you probably won’t. But if you do, at least you’ll know you really wanted it.
• Be very careful at Costco. Great prices, but huge quantities. Electronics tends to be a good buy.

Miscellaneous

• Electronic stuff doesn’t like water. Keep water away from electronics. Rain is water. Toilets are filled with water. Pools are filled with water. Showers use water. Coffee is water. Washing machines are water. Sodas are water. Car washes are water.
• When putting things away, think about the first place you would think to go look for it, and put it there.
• The yellow 3M memo pads are invisible to copy machines.
• Refilling inkjet cartridges is a pain in the butt.
• Have all the numbers on your cell phone backed up someplace.
• Back up your computer often.
• I use gmail to back up a lot of my documents, and they are then always available if I have Internet access.
• Save word documents at least every 5 minutes
• Be religious about using your PDA. Back it up.
• www.freewillastrology.com is a great astrology column.
• Craig’s list is cool. www.craigslist.org.

Art/Beauty

• Seek out beautiful places where you can go to refresh and recharge your soul.
• Take the time to enjoy the sunset (or the sunrise after an all-nighter.)
• Give yourself permission to be creative whenever possible - without that extra effort, you might find yourself lost in the shuffle.
• Have an art budget.
• Blow your art budget.
• Have art on your walls.
• Buy flowers.

College

• If you don’t have an education, get a trade.
• Try to take a lighter load your first semester.
• Pick your teachers as much as possible
• Spend time asking which teachers are toughest, as in, which ones will you learn the most from.
• Some teachers are worthless and will just read to you from the book.
• Sit in front
• Take lots of notes and actually look at them from time to time.
• Re-write the notes as soon as possible after class. Use regular notebook paper and put into a notebook. Spiral notebooks are a waste of time for this.
• Make friends with someone that takes good notes in every class. Sit with her. Study with her.
• Don't be late for registration.
• Find a good place to study and always study there. Some people like libraries, some like bars.
• Get good grades.
• Keep up on homework (and don’t procrastinate)
• Drinking/partying during the week will mess up your head. Save it for the weekends.
• Don't skip classes, it's too easy to fall behind.
• Give yourself rewards for keeping up on things
• Don’t sign up for early morning classes – you’ll start missing them.
• Find study partners
• Study old tests
• Save all the notes for all your classes.
• Work through lots of example problems for a test. You’ll be surprised at the ones that you already done.
• It’s OK to write in books
• Books on-line are a lot cheaper, but harder to return.
• Bicycles are a great way to get around. Always wear a helmet.
• Nice bikes tend to get stolen.
• Most locks can be broken without too much trouble.
• Pens are cheaper by the dozen.
• The freshman 20 is not a myth. Exercise and watch what you eat.
• Narrow rule paper.
• Geeks mellow with age
• Whether you realize it or not, you have no idea what you want to be when you grow up yet, relax and don't force the issue.
• There is no such thing as graduating on time. You are preparing for the entire rest of your life, there is no rush.
• Study for things a week ahead of time and you won’t have to worry about remembering
• Talk to your professors. Talk to your advisor. Contacts and advice can take you a long way through life.
• Going to college doesn’t make anyone smart.
• But to get a decent job these days you need a degree.
• Some of the smartest people I know haven’t gone to college.
• College isn’t for everyone.
• The only thing a PhD demonstrates is that the person was good at getting a PhD.
• A Master’s Degree can get open up the cool jobs.
• There is no permanent record (unless the police are involved).
• You can sell back books that are not involved in your major. Keep the books that are in your major.
• You can buy old editions of text books cheap.
• Use your PDA religiously.
• Ruled Engineering paper
• 0.3mm mechanical pencils always have a sharp point, but break easily. 0.5mm mechanical pencils are more rugged.
• I prefer the white art erasers.
• The three laws of thermodynamics can be summed up as: You can’t win, you can’t break even, and you can’t get out of the game.
• It’s a lot like life.

Laundry

• You don’t have to wash everything after one wearing (use the sniff test)
• T-shirts are great for preventing sweat stains and keeping shirts clean
• Hang or fold your clothes. Leaving them on the floor leaves them with lots of wrinkles that make it obvious you’ve been out the night before.
• Shirts can be laundered and hung for $1. It’s a lot easier than ironing and starching.
• Some places will break your buttons all the time. Avoid them.
• Liquid detergent
• Febreze will make dirty clothes smell better.
• Don’t put that bright red shirt in with your whites.
• Check your pockets first.
• If washing other people’s clothes, check their pockets first.

Food

• Ramen noodles, frozen pizza, and other things can be easily dressed up. Don’t be afraid to add veggies, cheese, or other things.
• Smell the milk
• Artichoke hearts
• Cooking is easier than you think.
• Mocha is chocolate milk in your coffee
• At 7-11 you can add hot chocolate to your coffee and have mocha
• If you use lots of cream and sugar in your coffee (like me), the cheap stuff works just fine.
• French presses make the best coffee
• Drip coffee makers are easiest.
• I like the Zone diet. 30% fat, 30% protein and 40% carbohydrates. It works best for me, but not necessarily for everyone. It’s easy to plan meals this way.
• Come up with an easy signature dish.
• Milk, cheese and eggs are great cheap and flexible protein sources.
• Don’t waste time with cheap ice cream.
• Joy of Cooking cookbook
• Baking is a science, cooking is an art
• I ALWAYS use a timer, even with boiling water, and especially when using the broiler. Oh look, shiny…!
• Burning or over-cooking food is painful.
• When she pulls something out of the refrigerator and it is completely gross, don’t smell it, tell her to throw it away.

Cell Phones

• Do you really want everyone else on the bus to know about your love life?
• Don’t abuse your cell phone, it costs.
• Used cell phones are really cheap on eBay. Call customer service first with the serial number to make sure it can be activated (and isn’t stolen).
• It can be really handy to have a spare cell phone around.
• New cell phones are subsidized by the company and are really expensive. You got a good deal because you signed a contract.
• Paying full-price for a cell phone hurts.
• Will you really use all those gadgets?
• Some brands of cell phone get MUCH better reception than others. Ask.
• Many places won’t allow your cell phone inside if you have a camera on it.
• Use judgment when you talk on your cell phone.
• You don’t have to answer the phone every time it rings. Sometimes it’s just rude.
• That’s what voice mail is for.
• Have your long conversations when it’s free.
• Be aware that any changes can change your contract. Ask!
• Many companies offer a discount based on where you work.
• Pay your bill and your phone won’t be cut off.
• Cell phones really don’t like water.
• Don’t be surprised if you talk on your cell phone in the rain and it doesn’t work later.
• If you lose your cell phone, first call your phone number to see if it is answered. They may be waiting for you to call. Do this before you turn off the phone.
• If you find a cell phone, first call the number of the phone and leave a message. Next try calling the numbers in their recently dialed list to have them contact the owner of the phone. They really won’t mind if you use their phone for this.
• Accessories are much, MUCH cheaper on-line than in the company store.
• If your phone goes in and out of roaming a lot, your battery life will be killed. Have a charger or extra battery around.
• If you talk in roaming and don’t have the right plan, your bill will kill you.
• On some phones, you can use your phone as a wireless modem for your computer, if you have the right cables. Your cell phone company won’t like it, so don’t use it very much.

Drugs

• People react differently to drugs.
• Some drugs are a lot worse than others. Talk to me and I will give you the very best advice I can with no judgments. I may not like what you’re doing, but I do want you to be aware of what you are doing.
• The bad drugs are bad (meth, crystal, crack, heroin, PCP, …).
• Some people get addicted much more easily than others.
• Some people react badly with cocaine and other drugs.
• Marijuana should be legalized, but it’s still illegal.
• Never buy drugs from people you don't know.
• Never buy drugs in places where you don't feel safe.
• If you don't know what it is, for God's sake don't put it in your body.
• Junkies care about nothing except where the next hit is coming from. Don’t trust a junkie.

Jokes with a moral

• ”Doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
  “Don’t do that!”
• A bird decides to fly south for the winter really late. While it’s flying, it starts freezing and falls to the ground on a farm. As it’s lying there, slowly freezing to death, a cow stops, shits on it, and walks on. The warmth of it explodes through the bird. “I’m not going to die!” And it starts singing in joy. A cat walks by, hears it singing, and eats it.

  The moral to the story is that someone that gets you into shit is not necessarily an enemy, and someone that gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.

Troubleshooting

• Is it plugged in?
• Is it turned on?
• Turn it off, unplug it, let it sit, plug it in and turn it on.
• Don’t laugh, these will get you through 25% of life (talk to a customer service rep or help desk person sometime).
• RTFM! (Read The Fucking Manual).

Tools

• Drywall screws are awesome.
• Don’t skimp when buying tools. There is a huge difference in quality. You get what you pay for.
• Craftsman has a lifetime warranty. Just take it to any Sears store.
• Not every tool at Sears is a Craftsman.
• Sometimes, only Snap-On will do.
• Expect to lose tools you lend out.
• Always buy the exact tool for the job, the work will go twice as fast
• Measure twice, cut once.
• Buy a tool every week. Pretty soon you’ll have all the tools you need.
• Righty tighty, lefty loosy.
• Use hearing protection with power tools.
• Use safety glasses.

Auto Maintenance

• Not every car problem needs to be fixed immediately (e.g. an oil leak that makes you add 1 quart of oil every 1000 miles is not worth spending a paycheck to fix).
• If the oil light comes on, pull over and stop NOW! You can destroy your engine.
• If the engine is overheating, pull over and stop NOW! You can destroy your engine.
• The best class I’ve ever taken was auto mechanics. I learned that I wasn’t tool challenged. I tend not to get stuck out on the road anymore. I’ve saved thousands of dollars doing work myself. I’ve saved thousands of dollars not having mechanics doing unnecessary work.
• Running the heat in the car can help cool the engine.
• Learn to work on a car. The hard part is troubleshooting. Replacing parts can be relatively easy.
• If the car won’t start – no light usually means the battery is dead, jump it; a slow rev usually means the battery has a low voltage, jump it; a single click means the solenoid is bad, replace it and the starter. If it cranks and cranks, there is something else wrong. Don’t run the starter over 20 seconds at a time (the battery wears down fast and the starter heats up).
• Sometimes all that has happened is that you’ve run out of gas. You wouldn’t be the first.
• When working on many electrical things, you will want to disconnect the battery first.
• You can push start a car with a manual transmission.
• You can trace most non-start or poor-running problems to either electrical or fuel/air problems.
• Expect banged up knuckles.
• Keep receipts when buying car stuff or having repairs. Keep them in the car.
• Find out the recommended weight oil for your car and use it.
• Change the oil every 3000 miles
• Changing oil is easy. Wal-Mart is easier.
• You can bring a filter with you to Wal-Mart, and they will install it and knock off $2.
• I like Castrol.
• Fram oil filters are cheap (in a bad way).
• I prefer to have a mechanic change my oil. He can check the car out while it is on the lift. You can find out something is wrong before it fails.
• Ask your friends to recommend a good mechanic.
• Hose clamps and a soda can will fix an exhaust leak (Duct tape works too, but it stinks).
• Mechanics work on a flat rate system. A given job has so many hours associated with it. You pay that rate whether the job takes much longer or much shorter than that to do.
• Jobs with a lot of rust and knuckle-busting bolts should go to a mechanic.
• Check your fluids (oil, automatic transmission fluid, brake fluid, power steering fluid, windshield washer fluid)
• Check your tire pressure. Make sure the spare tire has air in it.
• Check your brakes. Replace them when they start squeaking and you can save hundreds of dollars.
• Replace your wiper blades every year. I usually choose spring (winter is rough on blades).
• Radiators can be repaired.
• Duct tape can temporarily fix a radiator hose.
• Radios usually have special tools to remove them.
• Know the anti-theft code for your radio (it will come in handy when you replace a battery). Write it down someplace handy.
• Bolts and screws can be a pain in the ass. Always use a wrench or socket on bolts. Bolts can break. An impact driver can pull out a screw. If it is rusted or too tight, first try penetrating oil (like WD-40). Spray it, let it sit, try it again, repeat. If that doesn’t work, try heating it with a propane torch (be careful of other flammables). If a screw head is stripped, you can always cut another groove into it. Screws can be drilled out. Sometimes it’s better to have someone else do this.
• Vice grips work on rounded bolts.
• Cracked Windshield. Have it repaired right away before the crack gets bigger. Much cheaper than replacing a windshield and a cracked windshield will fail an inspection in many states.
• Jumper cables – red is positive, black is negative. Be very careful in winter. Batteries have been known to explode. They say to connect the red and black to the battery on the car giving the jump, the red to the positive terminal on the jumped car, and the black to the engine block someplace. Rev the running car a little bit, and let it run for a few minutes.
• Be careful jumping a motorcycle. It can blow out the electrical system on the motorcycle. Connect it without the car running or remove the motorcycle battery.
• I usually get flat tires because I’ve run over a nail or screw.
• Know how to install a tire plug.
• Tire places can install a plug for $5 (or free).
• Make sure you have an air source to fill your tire after you’ve installed the plug.
• If your automatic transmission is shifting hard, check the fluid level.
• Have extra keys hidden someplace.
• Graphite powder will make all locks work much more smoothly. Never use WD-40.
• Lube all hinges
• Don’t forget to wash the door jambs
• Never hose down a hot engine, it will do funny things to have hot engine parts chilled suddenly.
• It’s OK for an engine to be dirty.
• Wash an engine cold.
• Keep water out of the distributor (it has lots of cables running to it). Your car won’t start if you get the distributor wet.
• The best ice scrapers have brass blades.
• Exhaust leaks can make you fall asleep on the road and cause carbon monoxide poisoning.
• Have an emergency kit in the car. Some things to include: flares, multi-tool, pocket knife, jumper cables, fix-a-flat, a couple quarts of motor oil, candy bars, water bottles, flashlight, a couple bandanas, a cigarette lighter and an extra battery for your cell phone. All of this will fit into a small duffel bag.
• Sometimes, you can buy pre-made car kits that are pretty handy.
• A more complete list includes (you probably won’t carry this stuff around all the time): Vise grips, fire extinguisher, screwdrivers, pliers, hammer, hose clamps, baling wire, duct tape, WD-40, socket set, wrenches, electrical tape, tire gauge, comfortable shoes, old clothes, fuses, tire plugs, sleeping bag, maps/atlas, blanket, paper towels, graphite powder, electrical wire and connectors, repair receipts, plywood for jack, tow rope, zip ties, air compressor, tire iron, jack, first aid kit, bug repellent, sun screen, tie down straps, bungee cords,
• Add fifty bucks and try really hard to forget that it’s there.
• Keep an overnight bag in the car. Things you might include: a change of clothes, socks, underwear, sneakers, a few toiletries, washcloth and small towel, condoms, a paperback novel.
• If you have a wife, girlfriend or kids, add some things that they might need.
• Baby wipes can make a fairly efficient substitute for a shower.
• It will make your next breakdown, snowstorm, or sudden hookup with an attractive member of the opposite sex that much easier.
• It’s a lot harder to get screwed by circumstance when you’re prepared.
• You can pull a fuse from one slot and use it in another (pull one you don’t need). Make sure the amperage matches.
• Re-wiring around fuses can cause a fire.
• Always use car stands when working under a car.
• Learn how to change a tire, if you don’t already.
• It’s a good idea to put the tire under the car after you’ve pulled it off. If the jack fails, the car lands on the tire and not on the ground.
• Test your tire jack. Know how to use it. Make sure you have all the pieces. Find the proper spot on the vehicle to use it.
• If you get a flat tire in a place where there is no room to pull over, continue to drive until you find a safe place. It will just ruin the tire. Don’t risk your life for a flat tire.
• When a rear tire goes flat your steering will get really squirrelly.
• Low transmission fluid can ruin your transmission. That’s a $1000 (or more) job.
• Carry a small piece of plywood to put the jack on. If the ground is soft, the jack will go straight into the ground and not lift your vehicle.
• You may need a special tool to get your wheels off. Do you know where it is? Do you have your tire iron? Check before you really need it.
• Windshield wiper fluid will freeze in the winter. Use a winter blend when it gets cold.
• The cans of flat-tire repair can explode (violently!) when it gets hot. Don’t keep it in the passenger compartment. Trust me.
• My mechanic recommended using Chevron Techron for cleaning fuel injectors. Use it occasionally.
• Keeping the gas tank relatively full in the winter tends to prevent fuel line freeze.
• Armor All sucks. It will look good for a little bit, but then turn grayish and look worse than it originally did.
• Meguiars makes great car products.
• You feed cars $100 bills and hope they get better.
• Wax your car and it will always look nicer.
• Rubbing compound can remove oxide from your paint.
• Carry the highest liability insurance you can. You have a lifetime of earnings to protect. You’ll be covered at that rate on uninsured motorist as well.
• Don’t carry comprehensive and collision on an old car.
• Don’t waste money on a car – rims, tires, …. It is almost always just for looks. Most performance improvements are in your mind. Performance costs.
• If you do hop up your car, do it right. Begin with tires, suspension and brakes. Then intake manifold and head. Then add the rest.
• It’s much cheaper to buy it from someone that has already done the modifications you want.

Driving

• Pay attention all the time while you are driving. Accidents can be disastrous.
• Police will generally give you about 10 MPH, but don’t count on it.
• If you see one cop, slow down. Sometimes they focus on a piece of road and there will be many more around.
• Always go the speed limit (or slower) in unfamiliar small towns. You don’t want to fund their tax base.
• Be careful when driving out of state. Some troopers target out-of state vehicles.
• Be very careful driving out-of-state with anything illegal.
• Radar detectors help, but don’t count on them 100%.
• Don’t speed if you can’t afford the ticket.
• Don’t speed if you can’t afford the increase in insurance premiums.
• Wash your windows and check your oil when filling up with gas. This isn’t as necessary for newer vehicles, but it is a good practice to have.
• Drive on the right, pass on the left.
• When there are 3 or more lanes going in the same direction, usually avoid driving in the right lane (lot of traffic merging and exiting). Go with the flow, but don’t stick out.
• When your lane is going much faster than the other lane, slow way down. Someone will try to cut in ahead of you.
• Speedometers can be wrong. Figure out what your real speed is (drive a steady speed, use highway markers, figure out how many seconds it takes to go a mile, divide 3600 by the number of seconds, compare to the speed you drove, remember). This number can change as your tires wear down or are replaced.
• When she asks if you have to go to the bathroom, she needs to pee.
• Drive safely.
• Drive smoothly, be predictable
• Go with the flow of traffic, try not to stick out.
• Don’t drive slower than the flow of traffic. That causes trouble too.
• Don’t be a jerk! Everyone else hates the traffic as much as you do, don’t make it worse.
• Don’t tailgate – you lose the ability to have any kind of reaction in time.
• Don’t change lanes all the time – it’s an accident waiting to happen.
• Don’t get really mad about traffic. You’ll drive recklessly, get home about one minute earlier with all the aggressive driving, and be in a really pissed off mood. Just turn up the radio and let the frustrations flow through you.
• Bridges tend to be big choke points around big cities. Avoid them at rush hour if you possibly can.
• Avoid using a cell phone while driving.
• Use a headset when you do.
• When waiting to make a left turn, do not turn your wheels until you begin to make the turn. If you are rear-ended with your wheels turned, you will be pushed into oncoming traffic.
• Check parking signs whenever you park. Towing costs a lot.
• If you do have to park illegally, stay out of the handicapped space. Not only is it bad karma, but the tickets are MUCH more expensive.
• It’s good karma to stop for that person stranded on the side of the road.
• Carry a fire extinguisher in the car at all times. Engine fires can destroy a car.
• Keep extra change in the car.
• Don’t get a parking ticket because you don’t have change.
• The exact change lane at the toll booths is faster.
• If the car is really fogging up inside, make sure you push the button for fresh air and not recirculated air.
• Turn on the air conditioning too. It will dehumidify the air going across the windshield, even if you have it set on heat.
• Keep a trash bag in the car and use it.
• If there is an emergency vehicle behind you with lights flashing and you are stopped at a signal, go through the light carefully and let it through.
• There’s a reason people have locks on their wheels.
• Shop around for car insurance. There is a huge variation in rates.
• Don’t put too much oil in the car either. It can foam up and cause problems.
• Use your turn signals.
• Motorcycles tend to be invisible. Watch for them
• If you get a flat tire someplace where you can’t pull over, continue driving slowly until you do find a safe place to pull over. A flat tire is not worth your life.
• When you do pull over, pull all the way off the road.
• Don’t make really big repairs on beater cars.
• Wintertime – keep a shovel, blankets, a few MREs from the Army-Navy store and a big bag of sand or kitty litter in case you get stuck in the snow in the car. Use the shovel once in 3 years, and you’ll be very happy you did.
• Never put rocks under the rear tires in the wintertime to get traction. Bricks can become projectiles.
• If you do speed (and everybody does), think ahead of time about where you would hide if you were a cop and watch for those places (just over the top of a hill, around a turn, in the trees, …).
• Don’t rubberneck.
• Parking in the shade will make the car a lot cooler.
• If you park under a tree, a bird will shit on it.
• Avoid parking exposed at the end in a parking lot. You are more likely to experience a hit and run there.
• Don’t leave anything out in your car. It can easily be broken into. Junkies will do anything for $10.
• When using the wipers, turn your lights on.
• Premium fuel only works in cars made for it. Using anything else is just wasting your money. Really!
• Name brand gas stations generally carry gas that has more additives to it. Detergent is a good thing for fuel injectors. Sometimes gas is cut-rate for a reason.
• Accelerating fast cuts your gas mileage
• Running out of gas sucks. Fill when you get to ¼ tank.
• Know how big your gas tank is.
• Truckers really can’t see you if you can’t see their mirrors.
• You can still draft if you see their mirrors.
• Be careful when following big trucks or vans. You have a big blind spot directly ahead of you.
• Always carry copies of your CDs in the car, not the originals.
• It can get really hot in a car. Don’t leave albums, cassettes, VCR tapes, chocolate… in the car. They can all melt.
• Cracking your windows helps.
• Cruise control can save you speeding tickets.
• Cruise controls don’t work very well when it’s hilly.
• Don’t use your cruise control when it’s wet or snowy. Your car will have a mind of its own and you can go out of control.
• Keep track of all the vehicles around you all the time. Use your mirrors. Try to look at least 20 seconds ahead. Know that if you have to change lanes at the last second, which way to go.
• When you do have to choose where to crash, first vehicles going in the same direction, then stationary objects. Try to avoid vehicles going in the opposite direction.
• Don’t race a train.
• Gauges can go bad.
• Gauges can be wrong.
• Idiot lights can go bad.
• Don’t necessarily pay attention to turn signals (or lack of). People are stupid. Watch carefully how the drive.
• Especially if you are on a motorcycle.
• When there is a lot of water on the road, you can hydroplane (and lose the ability to steer). Drive more slowly.
• If the rain is coming down in sheets pull over to the side of the road for a while. It generally doesn’t last long.
• Be very careful driving in fog. I generally back off far enough from the person ahead of me to where I can just see their tail lights. If they brake I can see it and have as much notice as I possibly can. Don’t be one of those people that drives blindly in the fog. Slow down.
• Be much more careful driving in bad weather. Most people drive as if the roads are clear, and there are a lot more accidents.
• Give that motorcycle a lot of room.
• When the rear end of the car starts sliding, steer into the skid to keep control. This means that if the rear of the car starts sliding to the right, turn the steering wheel toward the right. Steer to the left and you will spin around.
• Practice skidding, braking and sliding in an empty, wet or snowy, parking lot.
• Black cars, SUVs, and expensive cars tend to be the worst drivers and prone to road rage. Be careful of that black Hummer.
• Guys driving Hummers have a small penis.

Continue to page two

Best headline of the moment comes courtesy of the AP:

"Bush Anxious to Learn More of Deep Throat"

Amen, brother.

The most disturbing paragraph I've read this week is as follows:

The first treatment for ischemic priapism is "therapeutic aspiration." The urologist sticks a needle into the side of the penis and draws blood directly from the cavernosa. The same needle is sometimes used to inject saline solution into the penis, which can help flush out the remaining blood. Aspiration and irrigation work around 25 percent to 30 percent of the time. Doctors can also inject drugs that constrict the arteries and cut off penile blood flow. Injections are given every few minutes for about an hour.

So it looks like your "minor complications" from Viagra and the like include blindness and sharp steel. The male wang is a delicate thing; I think I'll take my chances with nature. If the issue ever, erm, fails to arise, that is.

What a frustrating weekend! I lost [an insignificant but irritating amount of money] to an 11 year old playing Texas Hold 'Em. Really! (Poker discussion to follow... nonfans may skip ahead to the part where I watch Star Wars]. I play a very tight game and seem to have a good head for odds and a good sense for strength at the table. I was able to outlast all the adults in this way, only to come into heads-up mode against the 11 year old son of a friend of mine. Aided by his dad only in that he kept reminding the kid not to show his cards, the kid's strategy amounted to "play every hand, raise every turn." Literally. The kid went in on every hand, no matter how weak, and bet up on every... single... opportunity. This is a terrible strategy to live by because it depends 100% on luck, but it does have the advantage of being potentially disruptive to everyone else's game. The kid's automatic raises amounted to a constant gut-check, driving players either to fold or overbid marginal hands, and his lack of strategy meant that everyone's attempts to control momentum went for naught. And because the kid got lucky on every... single... river card, he just kept on winning. it came down to me and him.

Me: pocket 5s. Him: 2-8 offsuit, the second worst starting hand in the game. I go in small before the flop. The flop gives me another 5 and some garbage; a 3 and a 6. At this point I go all in, knowing that trying to play mindgames against the ATM sitting across from me would be silly. He calls, leaving himself with only 10 chips or so. I win this, I'm thisclose to winning it all. The spawn is trash talking about all the toys he's going to buy. The turn is an 8. I let out a breath. Junk.

And the kid drew a 4 on the river to give him the damn gutshot straight starting from one of the weakest hands in Texas Hold 'Em. I lost to the Dorchester Kid.

Then, on Monday, the power went out four times during Revenge of the Sith. They finally gave me my money back, but I figure they should have kicked in a few extra bucks for skipping over the fight scenes and making sure to restart the show in time to show me all the "I love youuuu!!!!" parts uninterrupted.

So... how's it end?

Mrs. Buckethead and I are leaving for the wilds of central Delaware this weekend. In fact, I'm heading home as soon as I finish this post. The reason? We are going to a mini-burn. You may have heard of the big burn out at Blackrock, NV every August. Well, this is a similar but much smaller twice a year event with a tiny, tiny fraction of the attendees.

About 600 or so people will gather at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Motorcycle Club ranch, and have themselves a very nice time, in beautiful weather, with lots of booze and other intoxicants. Mrs. B and I will be able to partake for the first time in two years, as my mom is on the road from Ohio as we speak. She, my aunt and cousin will be taking care of Sir John-the-not-quite-ready-for-that-sort-of-entertainment for the long weekend.

For the first time since the little nipper was born, the wifey and I will be free to have a good time without worrying about the boy choking, falling, buring or otherwise injuring himself. For the weekend at least, "Free at last, free at last!" Unless you have kids, you have no idea how good it feels to be rid of them, if only for a little while. Much as I love my son, and love spending time with my son; Daddy needs a couple days to go away, be irresponsible, and get well and truly pickled.

I do not plan to be asleep or sober for the next 72 hours.

See you Tuesday.