I messed with Texas, and now I have a rash

Buckethead Buckethead

We’re moving into the home stretch here on Perfidy’s longest running series, alternative state slogans for alternate state people. Today, we focus on Texas, a state that has, historically, been foremost in the republic for arrogance and misplaced judgments of its own competence. Twice since independence Texas has not been part of the United States, a fact that is not well appreciated in light of Texans vehement protestations of patriotism. Anyway, on to the ridicule and fun-poking:

  • I messed with Texas, and now I have a rash
  • If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas
  • Because Sometimes You Make Bad Choices
  • Se Habla Ingles
  • We Kill 'em So YOU Don't Have To
  • 95% More Texasness Than The Next Leading State
  • Crazy 'Bout Guns!
  • Where everything's bigger, except the IQ's
  • Mess with Texas, and Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you to death
  • All the oil, without all the burkhas
  • 49 of 50 states agree, Texas Sucks
  • Why?
  • More episodes of Cops filmed on location here than anywhere
  • Prone To Flooding
  • We kill because we’re frightened little girls
  • Have Fun Driving Through Us On Your Way To Nowhere!
  • We gave you nuculer
  • You Grill 'Em, We'll Kill 'Em
  • If we secede again, you're all in deep crap.
  • The Beefstick State
  • I can see for miles and miles and miles and miles
  • An execution a day keeps the prisons relatively empty
  • The Manhandle State
  • Swim to freedom!
  • The unconditionally affirmative frontier
  • Most, but by no means all, things are bigger in Texas
  • Better Behave, or We'll Fry Your Ass
  • Because You Can Never Have Enough Churches
  • Come for the oppressive heat, stay for the flat dusty sameness
  • Texas, Schmexas
  • We Live to Annoy the Rest of the Country.
  • Enjoy Leaving!
  • More Mexico
  • Friendship, Except When Betrayed or Approached By Strangers
  • The Key To A Door You Don't Want To Open
  • Yes, it is bigger. You'll have to step back though.
  • Everything Is Brown Here
  • Twice as loud, half as popular
  • We put the "Ex" in "execution"!
  • Texas: Your last, best defense against education.
  • The Dumbo State
  • Our state tree is the gallows.
  • We Let America See Our Bush!
  • The Great Horney Toad State
  • That chili's not hot, you're just a pussy
  • Don’t blame me, I voted Kinky
  • Steers and Queers
  • Y’all can go to hell. I’m goin to Texas. Damn, same thing.
  • Tuck Fexas
  • Welcome Wetbacks and Yankees!
  • The Criminal's Lethal Injection Connection
  • The Big Freakin' Hat State
  • More Crime Than You'd Think
  • Things look smaller in Texas
  • Poker? I don’t even know her
  • Texas: Come for the Adventure, Stay for your wrongful execution
  • Birthplace of the meanest president in US History.
  • Rodeo: a way for nominally straight Texans to dress in leather chaps and wrestle with animals
  • Wetbacks R Us
  • Of course we’re loners, who likes a loner?
  • It’s like a whole other planet
  • Gateway to Texas
  • New Jersey thanks God they’re not us
  • Our teenagers are the cutest! Did I say that out loud?
  • Still proud of defeating Mexico
  • Oil, leather, cows, mustaches… It’s not what you think

[wik] Bonus slogans!

  • Okay then. LBJ was sort of an asshole.
  • For the 100th time, they're 'palmetto bugs'
  • We're just as God intended...although maybe not so much with the fire ants, killer bees, rattlesnakes, and little black scorpions
  • 104 with 86% humidity makes you sweat? Fuckin' yankee sissy
  • Hey we don't mind your freaky cult; it's the Feds
  • Nation's leader in cows lost to flash floods
  • All that AND tornados! What a'ya waitin' fer?
  • It's really only this one guy who drives around with steer horns on his Cadillac - Earl Strickland - and he's from fucking Ohio.
  • Gateway to...everywhere! I mean, fuck, look at the size of the place!
  • The entire human population could fit squarely in Texas, but why the fuck would it want to?
  • Bigger than alot of countries, especially pissant European ones
  • Just say 'pardner' instead of 'dude' and you'll be OK
  • Our strippers are 60% sassier than most other leading states
  • Cornerstone of America's ludicrously-oversized-belt-buckle industry
  • We have both political parties: Conservatives and Republicans
  • Beers, steers, and, yes, queers
  • Median strips? Sure, Tex - we put them there specifically so that you could just drive your SUV right the fuck over them.
Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 8

§ 8 Comments

5

"For the 100th time, they're 'palmetto bugs' "

"We're just as God intended...although maybe not so much with the fire ants, killer bees, rattlesnakes, and little black scorpions"

"104 with 86% humidity makes you sweat? Fuckin' yankee sissy"

"Hey *we* don't mind your freaky cult; it's the Feds"

"Nation's leader in cows lost to flash floods"

"All that AND tornados! What a'ya waitin' fer?"

"It's really only this one guy who drives around with steer horns on his Cadillac- Earl Strickland- and he's from fucking Ohio."

"Gateway to...everywhere! I mean, fuck, look at the size of the place!"

"The entire human population could fit squarely in Texas, but why the fuck would it want to?"

"Bigger than alot of countries, especially pissant European ones."

"Just say 'pardner' instead of 'dude' and you'll be OK"

"Our strippers are 60% sassier than most other leading brands"

GeekLethal GeekLethal

8

* Beers, steers, and, yes, queers.

* Median strips? Sure, Tex - we put them there specifically so that you could just drive your SUV right the fuck over them.

* If you're looking for big hair, big belt buckles and big cowboy hats, then Dallas is your kind of town.

Patton Patton

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