Under Construction

Buckethead Buckethead

We're moving into the home stretch in the Ministry series, "Alternate but less tasteful slogans for states we hate." On deck is Pennsylvania, a state which reached its zenith of importance in 1787 and has been on an ever-steeper downward trend since. On a personal note, I would like to express my deep and abiding hatred and contempt for all things Pennsylvania: from Pittsburgh and its sports franchises, to the arrogance of the Amish, to the bumpy, constraining and ever-under-repair roads with their less than courteous state troopers, and finally its sullen squareness. I sincerely wish that someone would decide to extend I-68 further west to connect with I-77, so that I would never have to drive through it again. But enough about me, let's rip on PA:

  • Under Construction
  • We'll huff, and we'll puff, and our cops will burn your house down
  • Pennsylvania Speed Limit Still 65 mph
  • Cook With Coal
  • Founded in 1681 by wackos
  • Not to be confused with Dracula's home
  • The Oil, Ketchup, Coal, Steel, and Chocolate State
  • Worth two beaver pelts a year in 1681; that's 57 cents in today's currency
  • Pennsylvania. Nice.
  • We're smoldering for YOU.
  • Where only the girls are horsey
  • Come see the charming, primitive Amish, who by comparison make the rest of Pennsylvania look advanced.
  • If we can't be trusted with the Liberty Bell, what can we be trusted with?
  • Training place of the secret Amish armies
  • Beware the Giant Bell-Cracking Industrial Complex
  • Three headed fish are tasty
  • Keystonecopia
  • Come For the Gritty Slums, Stay for the Abandoned Steel Mills
  • With goats, all things are possible
  • Where New Jersey Shits
  • We've got the city of brotherly love! No, not that kind of love you pervert
  • At least we’re not Utah. But we’re trying.
  • The Peace through Invisible Lines State
  • You want fries on that?
  • Don’t hit the buggies. Amish are a violent people
  • It was so bad in the eighties, Billy Joel wrote a song about us
  • Gateway to Youngstown
  • Our biggest accomplishment is to fit a five thousand mile long highway into a state only 283 miles wide
  • Between the inbreeding and the radiation, a sportsman's paradise
  • How about some Pierogies and Fanta?
  • Shoofly pie is not made of flies
  • TMI: It means something else here.
  • Birthplace of the turnpike. That will be $82, please
  • Recriminations aside, we’d love to have you visit
  • Merge Right
  • Our cops love C4
  • It's still Nig-a-ria to us.
  • How would you like a bullet with your Chianti?
  • Poconos, for the best hot sheets motels east of the Mississippi
  • Because we're so much better than Manhattan
  • Scrapple, it’s not just a food, it’s a lifestyle
  • Three Mile Island: It’s no Chernobyl!
  • Free lube job with oil change
  • Perfect Tensylvania
  • Proud birthplace of Stephen Fucking Foster
  • No, we don’t dress like the guy on the oatmeal canister.
  • Secret Chocolate Rivers tended by murderous dwarves
  • Keys aren't made of stone, asshole
  • The nougatty center of a Maryland/New York muffin log
  • Home of the Other Turnpike
  • Diesel fuel makes asphalt last longer. Really.
  • Someday, all of the Benjamin Franklin impersonators will fight all of the Mark Twain impersonators, flooding valleys and destroying whole towns in their wake, until nothing is left. That battle will take place in Carlisle, PA

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 3

§ 3 Comments

1

This addendum, via email, from one of my favorite folks in all the world. She also happens to be a Pittsburgher (Pittsburghian?), and is far too good for the place. So she's moving. The bad news? She's moving to Philadelphia.

...If you are going to bash the state you need to be accurate. First, Pittsburgh clearly has the best football team on the planet, hands down,no questions or doubts to be mentioned. The Penguin’s slight success notice this year was clearly a fluke and obviously won’t last and the
baseball team belongs in the minor leagues but football is tops no matter where we land.

And well…..the other stuff….auh….well….yeah, that’s pretty much all true. There’s pretty much been no industry anywhere in the state since coal went out of style; the road construction is an embarrassment that just NEVER ends. I’m not very accurate in the distance department but I’m sure if stretched out straight 80 extends almost around the world and will always feel like you are traveling it in a horse and buggy.

The one minor oversight regarding PA however was the weather. The weather is ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE! Even depressing. BUT, fries still go on everything!

Aside from the boosterism of the Steelers, who sucked like a Hoover last year, I'd consider that all pretty much a confirmation, as if any were needed.

Patton Patton

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