Ministry of Minor Perfidy: The Movie
While enjoying a midnight snifter of umbilical blood and Asbach- a drink called the “Baby Hitler”, customary among Perfidians- I settled into my favorite wing-backed chair and, once satisfied my back was against the wall and there were still two exits from the room, I allowed myself to relax.
My mind was pleased with the state of things: perpetual war; incurable pestilence; rampant poverty; and irredeemable sloth and corruption are all fundamental aspects of modern Man. Across the Multiverse, even, Light has been retreating before Dark for millennia. Good is out across the infinite Cosmos; Evil is cool, and Chaos is the new/old/new black. It is in those circumstances that the Ministry thrives. And so I was, by conscious reckoning anyway, content.
But as the coal-fired hemoglobin started to pull me under, my unconscious offered a disturbing realization: soon, very soon, there will be no new frontiers to conquer, no more people or species to corrupt. Possibly even before the Third Millennium of the Son, all will be dark. Evil will reign, but over what?
Startled, I jerked from my semi-dream so suddenly that the vivid images and impending dread drained from my mind like water. It was only with a bit of reflection, and a couple more drinks, that I was able even to recall even as much as I have. One detail, though, was burned into my conscious and needed no further prompting to retain. A vision as clear as the sun I so loathe.
It was a marquee.
And the marquee proclaimed: “The Ministry of Minor Perfidy: The Movie”.
And it was clear then that film was the last frontier for evil to continue to spawn. Even after the final curtain for homo sapiens- as our civilization evaporates into supernova, or dread demon Thaoekilikhan devours us all feet first- there will be entertainment lawyers, studio executives, and armies of hacks still surviving, somewhere, like roaches. And like roaches, they will do what comes naturally to them: making entertainment so bad it perpetuates the cause of pure evil everywhere.
The Ministry needs to make a movie. The first biopic about a blog. There is no script yet, but that’s rarely stopped filmmakers before. I do have some ideas about casting though:
JohnO: Toss-up between Steve Buscemi or Charlie Sheen.
Buckethead: I’m leaning toward Lawrence Fishburne.
Patton: Maybe Billy Crudup; maybe Billy Bob Thornton. Definitely someone named “Billy”.
Ross: Jet Li.
Me: Could go Carlos Mencia; if unavailable, get Lee Van Cleef back from the dead.
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§ 13 Comments
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Not really. You have been
Not really. You have been part of the Ministry collective for some time now, and partake in our collective unconsciousness.
He was also a good choice for
He was also a good choice for me, as I also have a yoooooge head. Just ask my wife.
FWIW - just for the hell of
FWIW - just for the hell of it, I just Googled up a picture of Brian Blessed, and I can honestly say, that's exactly what I picture Windy City Mike looking like.
Odd, no?
That's not bad casting,
That's not bad casting, though here's my take:
Johno: Crispin Glover
Me: John Goodman
Patton: Samuel L. Jackson
Ross: Lindsey Lohan
GeekLethal: John Goodman
I think Lohan could pull off Ross' computer geek skills perfectly. Jackson would capture Patton's Old Testament anger and rage, and Crispin Glover, is, I understand, a music fan.
We need a plot though. The backdrop should be obvious - the collapse of civilization under a simultaneous assault from Giant Fighting Robots, Zombies, the second coming of Christ, and rats flying F-22's with monkey brains serving as bombadiers.
The Ministers retreat to their Catastratorium, and plan how to save that part of humanity they wish to save, and defeat the aligned forces of good and non-Ministry evil.
There should be a cameo by flipper.
"BabyHitler."
"BabyHitler."
Damn that killed me.
Steve Buscemi? Crispin Glover
Steve Buscemi? Crispin Glover?
Am I that twitchy? I was thinking more, well, oK, Charlie Sheen or Toby Maguire.
Buckethead is clearly only play-able by Dame Judy Dench.
Would we cast Windy City Mike
Would we cast Windy City Mike? I never met him, but for some reason I'm thinking the dad from "American Chopper".
Crispin Glover- effing brilliant.
We'll actually need a few trained dolphins for close-ups but we can CGI the air-breathing armies of the sea. Check with the Navy; maybe we can borrow their battle mammals for a day or two for the close work. We'll probably have to CGI the octopii too, unless we can find a good octopus wrangler.
Dread Cthulhu can play Himself. Should anyone dare rouse Him.
J,
J,
Well, it's long been understood that I don't do film projects without Buscemi, so it figures he's gotta be in the cast somewhere.
Maybe we can pencil him in as the Atlantean Chancellor? I don't know how that'll square with Nicholson, but...
If we wanted to be nice to
If we wanted to be nice to ourselves, we could cast it this way:
Johno: Topher Grace (nice) or Colin Farell (edgy)
Patton: Jeremy Northam
Ross: Gary Sinise
GeekLethal: Clive Owen (cool) or Vinnie Jones (Bullet Tooth Tony from Snatch)
Me: Clancy Brown (The Kurgan)
Steve Buscemi can play the towel attendent in the Catastratorium, and general factotum/Igor.
If we have Windy City Mike appear, he should be played by no other than Brian Blessed.
You are totally Clancy Brown.
You are *totally* Clancy Brown. Just give him a goat and done deal.
And I absolutely see the resemblance between me and Vinnie Jones. Absolutely.
I can understand why Johno
I can understand why Johno would be leary of Crispin Glover, but it'd be perfect. I think he'll agree on my casting for WCM, though.
Seeing as I've never met, or even seen a picture of Patton, that was the best I could come up with. Perhaps he should weigh in on this.
So wait- is Jet Li definitely
So wait- is Jet Li definitely out for Patton? His people need an answer before he can commit to doing the next Narnia flick.
Samuel Jackson isn't a bad
Samuel Jackson isn't a bad first choice for me at all.
Just a bit better would be Laurence Fishburne. Why? Because his head is yooooge.