perfidy

Those adjectives frame Ruth Elkins’ picture of the Germanoman.

In her article in Der Spiegel, Ms. Elkins discusses the 7 types of Germanic maleness. Aside from a couple who may, with proper tutelage, approach something like an assertive American man, most are satisfied to roll with the punches- and they’ll get plenty, with that attitude- and never strive to dominate their environment.

And that almost squares with my impression of Germans. Loyal readers know that I lived amongst the Bavarians for 2 years as a drone in the USAREUR hive. Yes I spent most of the time in the field, but I did get to witness some fundamental differences between Them and Us. One glaring difference was how the German men fought, vs how GIs fought.

When soldiers fought, it brought broken bottles, broken furniture, broken hands, broken wrists, ears bitten off; back-to-the-wall fights for survival yielding destruction on bodies and barrooms hugely disproportionate to the issue that started the fight in the first place, which was, 100% of the time, trivial.

Once I saw German guys fight, and it was, to be honest, kinda funny. They circled each other about 12 ft apart. One guy ran up and sort of slapped the other, then ran away, then the second man did something similar. It was a sort of sissy fight, or perhaps ritualistic in some way. They just never really got down into it and got it done.

OK, sure it’s not a fair comparison; I saw A LOT of Joes scrap and only that one time saw the ‘Rads go at it, in their way. Oh, and one time in Munich I saw a guy wandering the city by himself at oh-dark-thirty, drunk as a Stinktiere, with a bloody nose and having trouble fathoming why anyone would have done such a thing to him. But interactions with regular German men at all sorts of non-combat activities: restaurants, Volksmarches, music shops, taxis stands, even just walking the streets, pretty definitively caused me to rule that they were nearly exclusively a live-and-let-live bunch. Even if they were getting punched in the face.

The exception that proves the rule of course were the Polizei.
The Polizei had a reputation for…shall we say, enthusiastically…breaking up brawling soldiers. It was ingrained early on in my initial country training not to trifle with the Polizei. My first night downrange old timers made sure I understood not to trifle with the Polizei- if something happened, they said, stay out of it as best you can and, if the law got into it, try to surrender to the MPs if at all possible as they won’t likely bust your head open. One night, seconds after I walked past a bus stop, uniformed and plainclothes police agents swooped in from everywhere and took down some grubby looking dude who was waiting for a bus. Quite energetically. Which reinforced the message- don’t trifle with the Polizei. And I never saw or worked with GSG-9 but no one can say they’re sissies, either.

So Ms. Elkins might have overlooked an 8th type of Germanoman:

Professional Authoritarian German Male

He’s dangerous looking, with his thick truncheon and tailored uniform. He walks stiffly with his leather belt and boots. No, he’s not a character in some sick German BDSM flick-not to my mind, anyway- but an actual German man who, through his strength of character and will, backed by the power of the State, sees to it that none trod grass where it is clearly marked “verboten”.

Distinguishing marks: The shoulder patch that says “Polizei”. It may read “ieziloP”, due to you being on the ground looking up at it through rapidly swelling eyes and the stream of blood coming off your head.

Habitat: Everywhere GIs need to be curtailed, tickets need to be written, order needs to be maintained, or jaywalkers need to be yelled at. Or ticketed.

Favorite Activities: Maintaining order. Secretly wishing there was more disorder so he might have more order to maintain.

The Pros: Courteous and professional to a fault. Spiffy uniforms. Appreciates superior German weaponry...

The Catch: ...and clubbing you with it. Awfully effective with a truncheon.