perfidy

Loyal reader and former mullet-bearer Phil has noted, in responding to the most recent edition of TWiEHB, that despite their publicized buffoonery university students do have ideas. He was being sarcastic, and I think he and I are of one mind concerning students generally. I remembered that Phil has commented in the past about higher ed, which had caused me to think big thoughts about higher ed, which in turn snuffed any single, simple response I composed concerning higher ed. His questions were too good and defied bloggish, simplistic responses. So I ignored them, because addressing them proved too much like work.

This time, Phil has reminded me that despite my snarkiness over rampaging overgrown children, many students DO have ideas. And he is right. They DO have intellectual talent, and healthy imaginations. They DO have the mental equipment to build a framework of understanding, a framework that, with a decent education and nurturing of caring faculty, can ultimately lead to the highest offices of leadership in our nation, and in our world.

And until they really really need to function in adult society, like when there's a paycheck riding on their productivity, they will use those skills to get over, cheat, whine, and weasel out of exams.

Here are 2 excuses I can recall, just off the top of my head, from when I was a TA, concerning missing an exam (or some other deadline):

"My roommate was freaking out because it turned out she was on crack and I had to take her to the emergency room," and yadda yadda yadda, "couldn't make the exam". Roughly 12 hours later.

"My roommate's ex-boyfriend, who's been stalking her, was lurking about and we had to go into hiding all night" and yadda yadda yadda, "couldn't take the exam". Again, 12 hours after the fact.

What is the lamest excuse you ever heard for someone missing an exam? What is the lamest excuse you personally ever had the nuts to give to get out of an exam?

A Missouri man has been charged with selling his vote. He put his presidential vote up for sale on eBay, with a minimum bid of $25. When the men in black showed up at his door, he offered the excuse, "Hey, I didn't know it was illegal!" This guy will go far. If someone purchases his vote, it will pay for five minutes of his defense lawyer's time.

Minister Johno's wife might be interested to know that Teresa Heinz doesn't think being a librarian is a real job. I know my stepmom, aunt, and several good friends will also be pleased to hear that all that schooling was for nothing. Perhaps if they had had the foresight to obtain really, really, wealthy parents, they needn't have bothered.

Somebodies a-scawad! This fine example of letting the terrorists win comes to you courtesy of Democratic Senator Mark Dayton.

Well, the first issue of Undecided Voter magazine has just hit the newstands.

Man mistakenly cuts off genitalia, dog eats it.

[wik] Alternate headline: "I confused it with the chicken's neck."

[alsø wik] I think my first album is going to be called "I Confused It With The Chicken Neck."

Time Magazine is reporting that Yusuf "Cat Stevens" Islam was deported thanks to a spelling error. If this is true, 1) all the justifications in the world for why he had to go are moot, as Mr. Islam (still lovin' that name!) isn't the droid they were looking for, and 2) if the Homeland Security Clownshow is still stuck in the stone age with respect to how to spell "foreign" names, and using that stone-age technology agin' good and bad guys alike, they don't even deserve to be labelled "orwellian."

In a stunning display of unmitigated fuckwittery, the FCC has fined VIACOM more than half a million smackeroos for the Great Janet Nipple Event of 2004.

That's right. In a superbowl that featured dozens of nearly naked cheerleaders filmed at close range, countless swimsuits in commercials, and an astonishingly unfunny ad whose punchline was a farting horse, the possibly accidental and entirely unprurient exposure of one nipple is WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!, so wrong in fact that the network in question has to pay a gigantic fine. Worse yet, two members of the FCC's Star Chamber thought the fine was far too lenient considering the millions of tots now hellbound.

Where's the fine for the farting horse? That's the shit I don't want my kids seeing.

[wik] In fact, I didn't even know it was possible to make a farting horse unfunny. That takes a notorious lack of talent.

If your name is this:

Yusuf Islam (formerly Cat Stevens)

and you say this:

"No right thinking follower of Islam could possibly condone [the September 11 attacks]: The Quran equates the murder of one innocent person with the murder of the whole of humanity."

expect this:

Homeland Security officials said Yusuf Islam — formerly known as singer Cat Stevens — will be deported Wednesday after being denied entry to the U.S. Stevens had recently been placed on a government "no-fly" list after U.S. authorities received information indicating associations with potential terrorists, a government official said.

Laying aside the puzzling and unnerving proposition that the governmental"no-fly" list is still a going concern after repeated assurances by that very same gubmint to the contrary, I have yet to hear exactly what Mr. Islam (I love that name!!!) did to deserve deportation. He is an orthodox Muslim. Whoopee doo. Moreover, he's an orthodox Muslim who has consistently spoken out against terrorism, especially of the Islamic variety, something that prominent Muslims may be excused for not doing very often what with the short lifespan it seems to lead to. He isn't guilty of a crime. He hasn't even been charged with anything. But since his name is on a list somewhere-- a list we're not allowed to know anything about-- he's a persona non grata. Heck, if it's names that's the problem, my good friend Tommy Axemurder really better watch his ass.

Aside from the obvious truth that any parent that allows a child within a mile radius of clearly strange Michael Jackson should be immediately be prosecuted for child endangerment; the scene outside the courtroom made it clear that many, many people are really screwed in the head.

Watching the throng of congenital morons and paint chip eaters chant, "We love you Michael!" was frankly horrifying. We can set to the side the fact that the King of Pop has not had a decent record in almost a quarter century, and has not looked human for almost as long. We will allow the subhuman chanters their musical taste.

But you are outside a courtroom chanting approval of a 'man' who is for the umpteenth time facing serious charges of child molestation. He has not been convicted, sure. Innocent until proven guilty and all that. But shouldn't your no doubt sincere admiration for the man's musical genius and the glories contained in his catalog be outweighed by at least mild moral repugnance and a wish not to be associated with someone who at a guess is at least as guilty of pederasty as OJ Simpson is of murder?

I know this has been circulating in the blog world for a while, but for the benefit of my dear 'ol dad, here is lgf's magic blink comparison of the CBS memo and the version he created in five minutes in Microsoft Word using the default settings:

There is no way that a typewritten document from 1973 would match a computer generated document from 2004 so perfectly. Different technologies, different methods, same result. My bullshitometer pegged instantly.

[wik] The original image link is long succumbed to bit-rot. It has been replaced by a wikimedia image linked from the Killian documents controversy article

I'm Dan Rather, Bitch! Saying it that way just tickles our soft spot for the sadly passed on superfreak. And in the comments, See-Dubya channels Happy Gilmore:

Dan: "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!" Blogosphere: "You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"

Heh.

It's time once again to head down to the bar and ask for a Marion Barry. Equal parts Coca Cola, Kahlua, Bourbon and Jaegermeister. Invented by Jonah Goldberg, who described it as a drink intended to be, "So black, not even the man can keep it down."

Hizzonner, Mayor-for-life Marion Barry, has been elected to the DC city council for ward 8. It's not every city that regularly elects convicted ex-con crack smokers to high office, but then DC is a special kind of place.

Not to encourage stereotypes, but the interviews with Barry supporters on the news was quite a collection individuals who did not look like they were unfamiliar with drug use. Whod've thunk that crack smoking could bring a community together like this?

I was just informed by Teresa Heinz-Kerry that I am an idiot. I was surprised by this, seeing as I've never met the woman, but here it is:

Teresa Heinz Kerry says "only an idiot" would fail to support her husband's health care plan. But Heinz Kerry, the wife of Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry, told the (Lancaster) Intelligencer Journal that "of course, there are idiots." Kerry's proposal includes health care subsidies for children, the unemployed, small companies and more; and government assistance to insurers and employers that keep premiums for workers down. If Kerry is elected, Heinz Kerry predicts that opponents of his health care plan will be voted out of office. She says, "Only an idiot wouldn't like this."

Thus sayeth the Acts of Gord, chapter seven:

"Do you sell mod chips?"

"Go ahead, ask me what I sell."

"What do you sell?"

"I sell video games. What a stupid question."

"What does a mod chip cost?"

"Apparently one of us isn't keeping up."

"What do you mean?"

"If I sold you a mod chip, then you would never buy a game from me ever again. And that would be very much in opposition to my being able to run a profitable business."

"I just want one to play copied games."

"What? Do I look like an idiot? What the hell did you think I thought you wanted it for?"

"err..."

"Exactly. Now look, if I were to sell you a mod chip I would lose you as a customer. Now, if I were going to lose you as a customer I'd rather do it on a high note like setting you on fire. At least then I would have some satisfaction of a job well done."

"I'm leaving!"

"But I haven't set you on fire yet!"

When Dick Cheney says...

"It's absolutely essential that eight weeks from today, on Nov. 2, we make the right choice, because if we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again and we'll be hit in a way that will be devastating from the standpoint of the United States."

... is he really saying "vote for us or I give some jihadist fanatics the keys to the cabinet with the big red button?"

Because that interpretation is no more stupid than what I think he really means. Honestly... crap like this is enough to drive a sane man to vote Kerry.

Now why would they be protesting the Republican National Convention?

Interested Participant links to a list of groups protesting the GOP confab, and I have to say that this list is the first evidence I've seen that the far left has a sense of humor. Oh wait, they're serious about those names. Sorry!

Here is an excerpt of the excerpt:

House of The Goddess Center for Pagan Wombyn
African Ancestral Lesbians United for Societal Change
Code Pink
Committee to Free Pedro Pacheco
Communist Party USA
Labone Branch of Ghana United Nations Association
League of Revolutionaries for a New America
Missing Kitten TV
Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Insane
Ruckus Society
Ukuleles For Sanity

and my personal favorite:

Victims of Direct Energy and Electronic Harassment

You can get the whole list here.

"I mentioned early on that I recognize there are hurdles, and we're gonna achieve those hurdles." Special Johno crony and drummer Big Dig Jay has offered this rich batch of Presidenty (Presidentiary?) quote-mangling for your pleasure. No matter what you think of the guy, this is funny: "I believe that people whose skins aren't necessarily -- are, you know -- a different color than white can self-govern."

In what has been explained as a "public rehearsal of material for our new album," the Dave Matthews band dumped 800 pounds of human waste from their tour bus into the Illinois river on August 8, scoring a direct hit on a tour boat passing below. The state of Illinois is suing the band for sanitation and waterway violations.

The last few times this happened, the DMB titled the outcomes "Tripping Billy," "Crash," and "Ants Marching." No word yet on what the new release will be called.

The Ministry thanks loyal reader #00017, EDog for the hat tip.

"Now for a more rigorous scientific explanation of why [detonating nuclear weapons] would not be an effective hurricane modification technique."

From the FAQ page of the Atlantic Oceanographic and Meteorological Laboratory, a department of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.