perfidy

Persuant to my stalwart coblogger and mickle companion's imprecations against the frequency of my posting these last few months, I offer the following trenchant observations and piquant nuggets of indepensible wisdom and weakass excuses:

• I've been real busy baby. Working late at the office. You know how it is, baby. I want the best for us. You understand, don't ya, baby?
• You don't want to read what I tried to write anyway. With this new job I'm in sucking up half of my available time, and my increasingly obsessive research into - no shit - the effect of enzymes in wheat cells on the starches in same in varying hydrations and over varying time-frames occupying much of the rest, everything that's spurted forth from my bewithered pen these last many weeks has been, ineluctably, 100% inside baseball.
• Good to see my vocabulary is prodigious as ever. Most propitious.
• Suck it, B. This makes up for all those months where you were practically absent. What? What you say? You were busy having sons and daughters? Well, uh... erm.... Crap.
• There's this distillery in northern Vermont who make vodka out of maple sap, that will blow your mind. Shaken with ice and poured into a martini glass, it's smooth, faintly sweet, and spectacularly delicious.
• A fundamental insight into the nature of casinos: they're precisely the same thing as nudie bars, except with different vices. That, and except for the fact that blowing $50 on some bored woman to wiggle her coochie in your face for twenty minutes, is waaaaay more fulfilling than blowing through $50 in half that time on the cheapest blackjack table you can find in Atlantic City. I know. I've tried both.
• On the other hand, if you're only there to buy cigars and beer, you can make a really good night out of that $50, with bus fare left over. Everything in Atlantic City is cheap except the tables.
• A fundamental insight into the nature of gambling: The fun of poker isn't in the gambling. It's in knowing you've got everyone else in the table by the nuts and it's only a matter of time before they fuck up and give you what's theirs. The fun of gambling is... what's the fun in gambling, exactly? Chance has no nuts.
• The champagne room is a goddamn ripoff.

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

"Probably. What the fuck is a breadbox?"

For anyone needing to scratch their naval aviation itch, peep Google Earth's imagery of the Intrepid Museum. Just scroll up the West Side Highway into the West 40s until you see the building laying in the water with the jets on it. That'll be the Intrepid. Resolution is pretty good, even cranked down to max. Clearly visible are an SR-71, F-14, F-4, other carrier stuff; at least one MiG product; and various and sundry helicopters.

Google Earth doesn't have a 3D simulation for the carrier proper, which rather understates its size. I drove past it once; it towers over the road below and looks a helluva lot closer than the 100 or so feet the map suggests. It seems quite insane, really, to be tooling along the west side and suddenly seeing what looks to be a huge warship nuzzling Manhattan, and then to realize that in fact that's precisely what it is.

Learn to deceive, and to detect the prevarications of others

As I was driving home today I, as I often do, whiled away the time by reading the license plates of the other commuters. Virginia has a wide array of specialty plates for different colleges, universities, fraternal orders, veterans and special interest groups. One of the last is for people who dig horses. It occurred to me that this would be a particularly bad plate to get:

That personalized plate, by the way, is available to any Virginia resident who'd like it. Since I was on the DMV's design a plate website, I figured, hey, let's have some fun.

This is a plate that I've always wanted to get, but which is sadly already taken:

Going through the list of Special Interest groups, the possibilities seemed endless. For example, you could get an NRA plate, and confirm all the fears of the liberal pantywaists:

Or, alternatively, freak out the NRA people:

Along the same lines, become a firefighter:

Show that you're really, really tech-savvy:

When I saw that the duck hunters had their own plate, this immediately popped to mind:

But further down the list, I found an even better target:

Finally, I will offer fifty bucks to anyone who gets this license plate, and provides proof. I tried to get Minister Johno to do it, but he had a girlfriend (now Mrs. Johno) and demurred.

That is one very proud, yet uniquely vulnerable, mammal.

Khaaaan!

This past weekend, the entire Buckethead clan attended a blogmeet-type get together over at the elegant abode of Miss Princess Cat. My wife, bless her heart, was concerned momentarily about how she should dress, until she remembered that she was going to meet bloggers. That confusion out of the way, we packed the youngsters up and headed into the wilds of Falls Church.

While not the best attended blogmeet ever, there were a sufficiency of guests. Lysander the very nearly ex-blogger was there along with his newly Virginianated girlfriend; Cat, of course; Dawn; and new (to me) were Professor Chaos, Sabre along with her friend; Matt and his dog; and Fruit Girl the gynecologist. Cat set a good table, the appetiser spread was excellent; though the Professor was leery of the bacon-wrapped artichoke hearts. For me, it is a simple equation wrapped in bacon = food. But then, I am a simple man. The fried wings tasted much better than the baked, no surpise there. The taco pizza thingies were delightful once I picked the vegetables off. And the item that Fruit Girl denominated "grease wheels" were very tasty indeed.

I greatly enjoyed talking politics and terrorism with the Professor, if for no other reason than it greatly confused Cat's gynecologist friend. As the Professor consumed more and more, he began suggesting - and later insisting - that Fruit Girl start a blog and call it twattalk. I suggested that perhaps that domain might already be in use, and lo, it is. It seems that Fruit girl will have to go further afield for her blog name. Perhaps fruitytwattalk is available. The final stage of drunkenness for the Professor is, apparently, obsessively quoting from the movie Office Space. It truly was a remarkable performance. He quotes Office Space the way I quote the Blues Brothers. He even admitted that he once tricked a girlfriend into believing that he had never seen the movie, just to mess with her head when they watched it. I used to do that with slasher pics, and thinking of it now, I can't decide which is more low class. In the end, though, we were enablers for the good Professor's issues as we fired up the DVD. I never thought I'd experience a Mike Judge movie with a greek chorus, but wonders really do never cease.

Myself, I drank a bit less, as I had nearly exceeded my July quota of alcohol the night before hanging out with Hill rats over in Arlington. That may have been a fortuitous party, as I may actually get some interesting work out of it.

Two fun nights out in a row - which is damn rare in the world of Buckethead these days - thanks to Cat for the yummy treats, and to whomever brought the Blue Moon beer.

[wik] The Professor wasn't all that drunk. Really. He only imitated the "O" face once.

Stars and Stripes online edition has apprently been hacked.

That was thoughtful.

Frodo

You scored 59% Aggressive, 58% Brains, 64% GoodEvil, and 77% Trivia!

You have little care of the outside world. You think "Adventures make you late for dinner." On the other hand you have spent your time reading, and writing.

Not too far off the mark, although Frodo smokes way, WAY more weed than I do. Judging by the stats, not many people have taken this particular quiz:

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender

• You scored higher than 99% on Aggressive
• You scored higher than 99% on Brains
• You scored higher than 99% on Good/Evil
• You scored higher than 99% on Trivia

And you will know my name is the lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. Samual L. Jackson is the voice of the Lord. Apparently I am not the only one who digs on his voice, as an audio bible will now feature Jackson as God. I can only hope that they also release the outtakes, so we can here God saying "Motherfucker" as only Jackson can. Maybe we could convince Jackson to do a Shaft version of the bible. Jackson would make a great Jesus. Just imagine Jackson/Shaft/Jesus casting the moneychangers from the temple. Jesus on doubting Thomas' case for doubting. Jesus smacking Judas around. The risen Jesus ridiculing Peter for denying him. The wedding in Canaa. The possibilities are endless.

Bah, just read it here. They draw some pretty far-reaching and, by their estimation, conclusive results based on whether I like blue more than brown. At first blush it seems slightly more accurate than, say, a horoscope or a fortune cookie, but upon subsequent readings I'm not so sure. I mean, "able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity"? Durrr!

GeekLethal's Existing Situation Pursues his objectives and his own-self-interest with stubborn determination; refuses to compromise or make concessions. GeekLethal's Stress Sources Suppresses his innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that he might be carried away by it only to find himself pursuing some will-o'-the-wisp. Feels he has been misled and abused and has withdrawn to hold himself cautiously aloof from others. Keeps a careful and critical watch to see whether motives towards him are sincere--a watchfulness which easily develops into suspicion and distrust. GeekLethal's Restrained Characteristics Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense. Distressed by the obstacles with which he is faced and is no mood for any form of activity or for further demands on him. Needs peace and quiet, and the avoidance of anything which might distress him further. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. GeekLethal's Desired Objective Needs a peaceful environment. Wants release from stress, and freedom from conflicts or disagreement. Takes pains to control the situation and its problems by proceeding cautiously. Has sensitivity of feeling and a fine eye for detail. GeekLethal's Actual Problem Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of his hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. He is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting him from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation. GeekLethal's Actual Problem #2 Needs to protect himself against his tendency to be too trusting, as he finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.

The other day, I posted a couple Letterman Top Ten Lists. If that got your interest wound up but unsatisfied, well, here's where to go to get more. This page has all the early, pre-CBS top ten lists, and lists from CBS up to 2001. Note that the earlier lists are the intellectual property of NBC or its parent corporation, and used without permission. For your more recent lists, you can go to the Top Ten archive on Letterman's CBS page, which has the most recent ones back to August of 93. So there's a little overlap there. The search function on the CBS page works pretty well, but for the older ones, use google.

For your enjoyment, a couple random top ten lists:

Top 10 Children's Books NOT Recommended by the National Library Association

10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
8. Legends of Scab Football
7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina
6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
5. Joe Garagoila Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the Endings to All of Them
4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse
3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

Top Ten Greatest Books of All Time About Guys Named Steve

10. "War and Peace and Steve"
9. "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Steves"
8. "The Grapes of Steve"
7. "The Steves of Wrath"
6. "Steve Grapes Steve Wrath Steve Steve"
5. "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, Steve is From Cleveland"
4. "Where's Waldo? Is He With Steve?"
3. "Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown, Volume VIII: 'Mysterious Guys Named Steve'"
2. "The Joy of Sex with Steve"
1. "The Bible" (King Steve Version)

The local incarnation of my regional ultramegasupermarket makes dinner fare for the young stud on the go: pizza; chicken in various cooked states and configurations; pot-pies; uncountable pounds of mashed potatoes and mac-n-cheese.

The other day I chose an exceptional meatloaf, my favorite example of all the loafed foods. This place makes a decent meatloaf- a tad salty, a touch greasy, but otherwise about as pleasant a gustatory experience as any right-thinking person might expect from a meatloaf. Today's lunch is a cold slab of that 2 (3?)-day-old meatloaf. It started as a slab, anyway; I had to cut it down to fit into my container, and subsequent travel broke things up a little further.

Anyway it's lunchtime and I'm about halfway through it, just, you know, eating and diggin' on my meatloaf, when it suddenly occurred to me that in color, shape, and size I might appear to be eating bits of a turd. And not like the tootsie rolls the cat leaves for you. A dense all-American turd that destroys plumbing, fouls the air, and makes communists afraid. Something that only the bowel of a flesh-eating man's man- like, say, Ted Nugent- might produce.

So that's what's on my mind right now.

Um, what are you having...?

Ministry Crony EDog alerts us to the happenings in Japan, wherein one may see an interesting festival:

It's not at all like our Independence Day. But perhaps a little more colorful. If by colorful, you mean phallic. You can see more pics and commentary at EDog's heterosexual life partner's blog, The Daily Disappointment. The Ministry would like to extend its deep and sincere thanks to the both of them, our lives are richer for having seen all of this.

I think this is my all time favorite Letterman Top Ten list: Orville Redenbacher's Top 10 Most Horrifying Secrets

10. That's not his grandson; that's his "longtime companion."
9. Has 50 pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times.
8. He was raised by white mice.
7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli.
6. Came home one night to find wife in bed with Keebler elves.
5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy-Pop factory.
4. Two words: Asian escorts.
3. Has small vestigial wings.
2. Likes to wear pants 3 sizes too large, go to malls, and then say, "Oops!" whenever they fall down.
1. That ain't butter.

[wik] My other favorite top ten list is from the Onion:

Top 10 Signs You're Not God

10. You've got combination skin.
9. Tuna melt isn't your favorite sandwich (see Matthew 3:24).
8. You work in totally non-mysterious ways.
7. While hurling lightning bolts down from the sky at some guy, you miss and foul up his automatic sprinkler system.
6. Everything you bless starts smelling like cabbage.
5. God doesn't have a hair weave.
4. No matter how hard you try, you can't get the lid off the Skippy.
3. Every time you try to prove you're invisible, you end up getting arrested.
2. You can't even create a bird feeder in seven days.
1. You wouldn't be living in Waco.

I could still be God.

[wik] Top Ten List from David Letterman, sometime in the early nineties.

If you are at all like EDog, even a little, you have wondered what it would be like to have super powers. To fight crime in a unitard and a cape, wielding vasty powers of mind and body, defeating eevill with a "pow" and a "biff." Wouldn't we all like that? Well, take this test to see the approximate form your superpowers would manifest in, did you but have superpowers, and weren't a whiny little runt reading a blog on your 'puter.

As it turns out, the Buckethead is just what he expected. Batman:

Your results: You are Batman

You are dark, love gadgets and have vowed to help the innocent not suffer the pain you have endured.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

[wik] hattip to Pixy Misa.

[alsø wik] Phil insists that he's not Spidey, but Mr. Furious.

True story:

The next town over from me is widely considered an enclave of the wealthy. And it largely is. It's where alot of doctors, lawyers, and other well-paid professionals dwell, in addition to your business owners, small financiers, and assorted white collar folk. We're not talking, you know, robber baron wealth; there are no cottages- in the Newport sense of the word- anywhere near here. But the homes are modern, big, carefully landscaped, and seem to be raising a brood of young Audis or BMWs in their driveways.

And up until fairly recently, gray squirrels were seen regularly gamboling about the sweeping, manicured lawns in this town. Chittering and chattering, munching the occasional nut alertly, but without a sense of impending doom, clearly due to the absence of predatory creatures hereabouts. But I have noticed that they are being displaced. The numbers are not being depleted by cats, dogs, or commuters.

They are being displaced. By black squirrels.

Seriously.

Where the black squirrels go, the gray squirrels go away. We're not talking flying squirrels here, but squirrel flight. I can't help but wonder whether the black squirrels have moved on up to this fantastic, quaint town, but the grays feel the squirrely equivalent of "there goes the neighborhood".

I was going to post something more today. But I have opted not to. The reason being, I am exhausted from my trip out to Ohio and back. The trip was fine, saw family, blah blah blah. But the weather was hot, humid, and I spent the majority of the weekend damp or wet. And the air conditioning on the bucketmobile went out. And the journey home was made more stressful by virtue of the fact that I nearly rammed a cop on an exit ramp. Thankfully, he was alert and paying attention, and honked in time to avoid a collision. I was issued a warning, which was altogether fair. Having kids in the car helps you look more like a responsible adult who lost it for a moment, rather than an idiot who deserves a reckless driving citation. Then, continuing cop night for the buckethead clan, my Sir John-of-the-sudden-emesis woke from a deep sleep and began puking all over the interior of the unairconditioned bucketmobile. Fearing worse to come, we pulled to the side of the road to deal with the vomit crisis. Following their long an honorable tradition of appearing when they're not needed, a cop pulled up behind us, lights flashing, to insure that we weren't doing anyting nefarious. No officer, just squeegeeing the vomit off my son. We'll be fine, really. Do you have any napkins?

Despite all of that, one highlight of the trip was Mrs. Buckethead and I taking turns reading to each other. We'd never done that before. It is a truly excellent way to pass the time. The book we chose was Before the Dawn, by Nicholas Wade. So far, a fascinating story - how new genetics research is shedding light on the murky prehistory of our race. For example, did you know that the entire human population outside Africa is descended from a mere 150 people? One band of early humans snuck out of Africa, fought lions and tigers and bears - and neanderthals - and laid claim to a planet. How cool is that? I recommend it highly. While you're at it, I also recommend Charles Stross' new one, Glasshouse. Better written than Accelerando, if slightly toned down on the speculation. Excellent read.

But now, I must nap.

The Ministry has never believed in beating a dead horse. We are, however, all for beating mostly dead horses. Therefore, we bring you discarded mottoes for the moderately good state of Connecticut:

• Like Massachusetts, only dirtier and with less character
• Come for the scenery, stay to stalk Letterman
• Wedged into the armpit of New England
• New York City's other Suburb
• The second "C" is Silent, Casshole!
• Way too close to New York
• Home of Joe Lieberman
• Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It - Yet
• In Texas, we'd be a county
• The state you can cross in 15 minutes ... on foot
• Nothing important has happened here since King Philip's War
• We're the Constitution State and we have no idea why
• At least we're not New Jersey
• We could kick Rhode Island's ass
• We'd really like to be part of France

[wik] Bonus slogans!

• The Home of Mark Twain. Oh, Missouri too I guess
• The Nutmeg State - whateverthefuck THAT's supposed to mean
• Home of the 4th-Farthest-North Located Ikea in the Continental US
• We Celebrate Diversity- ALL Are Welcome to do Our Landscaping
• Where News from Puerto Rico is Considered 'Local'
• We'd All Be Better Off as Far From Massachusetts as Possible
• The Elite-School-in-the-Ghetto State