perfidy

An important PSA from the Onion of all places, on the paramount importance of zombie preparedness.

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

"When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel," Murphy said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."

That does raise a good question - given the very particular nature of zombie attacks, is it fair to say that local and state officials are solely responsible for handling such a disaster? After all, it only takes one shambling brain-eater to slip by a police cordon to spread the infection beyond its point of origin. Not that I am calling for martial law, mind you, or anything like it. But the zombie threat is unlike any other (except aliens and space robots), so much that a local-state-national chain of command must be established before it's needed. If suits are still hammering out those details while carrion-bedangled fists pound on the doors of Pittsburgh, it's too late.

After all, your National Guard or (heaven forbid) Army man can better cap the monster who used to be your sister than you can. You'd be all like "Sis... sis... I know there's a spark of humanity in there YEOOOOOOWWWWWGGGGH!!!!" and die wondering if you made a mistake letting her get a grip on your eye sockets, where a pro would probably reflexively drop five rounds into the brainpan before zombie-sis ever got near. Indeed,

"Children need to be taught from preschool that they might have to put a bullet between the eyes of their own undead mother," Fulci said. "'Destroy The Brain' banners should be hung above the entrances of schools, churches, and town halls everywhere."

Unfortunately, the Onion's reporting falls disastrously short in one respect. They quote an official as recommending that citizens keep a "go-bag" handy containing a Glock and 50 rounds of ammunition.

Please. A Glock? The Ministry has begun extensive research into the optimal weaponage needed to beat back the zombie threat. Currently the concensus leans toward a 20-gauge shotgun loaded with buckshot, and a good pistol as a backup. 9mm is fine, but something with more stopping power is better. Zombies don't feel pain, so it's crucial to either actually destroy the brain or blow bits off the body. Hence, something that throws a .357 round is probably a good compromise between power and weight. Sure, use a Glock if you must, but if that's what you're reduced to you're probably just as well off using the aluminum bat you undoubtedly remembered to bring.