Whack-a-german
Moles are annoying, conniving and vile creatures. They hate our freedom. But is it worth risking your life to fight the growing mole menace? Uwe Werner felt so, and managed to eliminate himself in attempting to exterminate the moles infesting his yard. His innovative mole electrocution system worked so well in its first test, that it killed a human. Uwe himself.
[wik] No moles were harmed in the writing of this post.
[alsø wik] My apologies to any family or friends of Uwe Werner who may by some freak of the internets have read this story. UWE IS NOT DEAD. IT'S OKAY. Uwe is the police spokesgerman who announced that the retiree is dead. HE IS NOT DEAD HIMSELF. The name of the retiree has not, to my knowledge, been released. Which is frustrating, because I was imagining an old guy, puttering around the lawn, about to plug in his super-turbo-mole-zapper2000; his wife calls out, "UUUweee noooooo!" and then he goes all lightning and special effects. Without the name, my mental picture is less satisfying.
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Uwe's a pretty impressive
Uwe's a pretty impressive dude, it appears - he can speak after death:
"The moles survived," Werner said,..."
Reuters has a separate sideline service, teaching people how to write incomprehensible news stories.
Either that or there's a German law that precludes exposing the names of stupid, dead retirees.
Moles are, in addition to being disgusting little buggers, notoriously hard to get rid of. In my "yute", I accidentally found one good method. Mind you, this was back in the day when it was still common to burn your trash, which means most readers here might not recall it, and might think I'm making this up, but I'm not.
On orders from my mom, I went out to burn the trash, and in the process, dropped the box of kitchen matches. As I was bending over to pick them up, smoke got in my eyes, and instead of picking up the matchbox, I picked up a mole that had gone above-ground. Mildly horrified, I gave it a bit of thought, then did my best imitation of a pitching wind-up, and flung it as hard as I could, at the cinder-block side of our garage.
So, while no moles were harmed in the writing of either this post or this comment, it should be said that moles have, on occasion, been harmed in the past. And I'm OK with that.
Rereading that article with
Rereading that article with the attention to detail that Reuters requires of its readers, I notice that Uwe is the police spokesman, and the retiree is not named.
Having a name helps, though.
"Without the name, my mental
"Without the name, my mental picture is less satisfying."
So let's name him, then. I suggest "Sparky".
Don't moles travel
Don't moles travel underground?????