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Aah, New Jersey. The moment you all (and especially Bram) have been waiting for. The Ministry has spared no expense that we wouldn't normally spare to bring you this very special edition of alternate state mottoes. Our tireless and unsleeping servitors have scoured the interweb and the dark and loathsome recesses of their own minds for slogans for your reading enjoyment. New Jersey? Why not:

• Kiss Her Where It Smells
• The Oil and Petrochemical State
• You Want A Motto? I Got Your Fuckin’ Motto Right Here!
• Come for the beaches. Stay for the gambling, crack and hookers.
• What smell?
• Home of Jimmy Hoffa's grave... somewhere.
• Hey, Quit Laughing!!
• All those chemical waste sites and Trump's Taj Mahal, too!
• You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
• Tell 'em Guido sent ya
• Renaming it New Jersey didn’t improve things much
• Not as quaint and charming as Old Jersey
• The Suburb of not one, but two! pestilential urban shitheaps
• The smell that grows on you
• Land-filled with pride
• Aaay! How U Doin'?
• The Cancer Capital of The World
• We'll Show You What Exit
• Where nobody leaves
• The Funtime Family State for Families!
• Frightening Sky Country
• Ad Astra Per Hoboken
• The Hobo State
• I’m tired of living and scared of dying
• The Too-Easy-To-Mock State
• We Are Defensive About Our Faults
• We are a byword for corruption
• A toxic miasmatic wasteland
• We don’t trust you to pump gas
• It's Jersey: "Got a problem with that?"
• The New New Jersey: "Now with 10% less toxic waste!"
• We'll look the other way
• The Hindenburg was just the beginning ...
• All the charm of Detroit. All the culture of Phoenix
• Please lie down with your hands behind your head
• Our police force looks forward to meeting you
• Rated safer than Lebanon
• Come smell for yourself
• Nearly Good Enough
• A Deathtrap, A Suicide Rap - Get Out While You're Young
• The Fist of the Mid-Atlantic
• Sure, our governor may have given his unqualified gay lover a high-salaried position instead of looking out for homeland security, but ... uh, I forgot where I was going with this.
• New Jersey - Bend over and smile
• We’ll take the tollbooths down as soon as the Turnpike and Parkway are paid for
• Come for the taxes, stay for the corruption.
• Our sales tax may be the highest in the country but our property taxes are the highest in the country … wait a minute
• A wholly owned subsidiary of the New Jersey State Employees Union
• 2nd Amendment? Never heard of it.
• Just imagine Massachusetts without referendums or Republican Governors
• At least we aren’t New York
• Our state song, “Born to Run,” is about escaping from the New Jersey
• Pennsylvania – the promised land
• Will the last one out of Jersey please turn off the lights?
• If you try really hard, you can say Garden State without laughing
• So progressive we elected the first gay prostitute governor
• Toll Booth Capital of the United States of America
• The Corruption State.
• The Toll Booth State
• The Aggressively Industrial State
• The Mosquito State
• New Sicily
• The Knobbed Whelk State
• Liberty and Prosperity, so we can give it to the immigrants
• Proud home of our nation’s greatest political thinkers, Aaron Burr and Susan Sarandon
• The Sopranos State
• We are so gay
• Be sure to pick up a complimentary chemical drum on your way out
• Yo, Joisey: "Politicos and wiseguys, bada-bing!"
• New Jersey: " 'cause New York sucks."
• Laugh it up, we got more money than your state
• Shoot squealers, not bears
• New Jersey: Where the Martians Landed
• Most of Our Elected Officials Have Not Been Indicted
• Just Passing Through
• Welcome to New Jersey: Now Get the Hell Out of the Way!
• It Glows In The Dark!
• The 55 Gal. Drum State
• Sure It's Toxic - But We Love It!
• What A Difference A State Makes
• Only The Strong Survive: New Jersey
• Where The Weak are Killed and Eaten
• Edison electrocuted cats here so you could have light, asshole
• Your convenient cheap shot when you can’t think of anything really interesting to say
• New Jersey's Got It, We Just Don't Know What To Do With It!
• New Jersey-Guess Which Lanes Are EZPass Today?
• What The Hell Was I Thinking?
• Where 70% of the women are ugly, and those that aren't are stuck-up
• New Jersey, Not New York
• New Jersey, home of Giants Stadium
• Yeh, I Wanna Move too
• Just another state, really
• Welcome to New Jersey, Where There's a Rainbow in Every Puddle!
• New Jersey: Keeping New Yorkers out of PA since 1776
• Underdog Lady Lives Here
• Our State Capitol is the Most Geographically Centered
• The light at the end of the Tunnel
• Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
• Your friendly neighborhood toxic waste dump
• The Asshole of America
• What the fuck YOU lookin' at?
• Leave All Your "Problems" in New Jersey. My Cousin Knows a Guy.
• Great View of Lady Liberty's Backside
• Come for the Calzones, Stay for the Wutter
• NEW Jersey? What happened to the old one?
• You Could Always Be Somewhere Better Than This
• Jersey - it don't suck
• I love the smell of sewage in the morning!
• Home of the Teamsters!
• We Run the Cement Business in This Town!
• I Love the Smell of the East River in the Morning!
• New Jersey... the origin of "Planet of the Apes"
• New Jersey and You - Who Farted?
• There is no such thing as the Mafia
• Your New York City Trip Bathroom Break
• What Exit?
• Industrial Chemical Processing Capital of the Fuckin’ World
• You'll Never Think Once About it
• Your Philadelphia and New York City Suburb
• Ya, We'll Pump Your Gas. Nudge, Nudge
• What Exit? Nudge, Nudge
• Just hold your nose and keep driving
• Yeah, it always smells like this
• Several of our politicians are not corrupt
• three rights are a left
• The Jug-Handle State
• Jersey. It's not the asshole of the country, but you can see it from here
• No Left Turns
• Abandon hope, all ye who enter here
• Now Entering New Jersey - Consider That Your Last Warning
• No, you suck
• Please do not make any sudden arm movements
• Now with more 73% more hobos
• Bigger and with considerably more attractive cows than Old Jersey
• Smell it again for the first time
• New Jersey - like California, but without the sun, usable beaches, and warmth
• New Jersey is for Dirty Sluts!
• We got rid of our environment years ago, and we've never been happier.
• English is our fifth language
• Be a millionaire and still live like a pauper
• Welcome to Mecca West
• The place to raise a glowing family
• Still better than West Virginia
• Even if you have three nipples, you'll feel normal here
• Please don't associate us with Philly
• Hey You stupid New York fuck get outta the left freakin lane
• Bad voters, good pasta.
• Where it's OK to drive 80 on the Parkway as long as you’re not a minority
• So our governor was a Gay idiot, but at least we wasn’t Hillary Clinton
• Giving Gas-Pumping foreigners the chance to do something other then blowing people up
• Where people live who don't want to pay $1.5 million for a 350 square foot apartment, roaches included
• Only the strong survive
• We'll Fuckin kill you
• New Jersey: We'll Win You Over (ed: That one cost $260,000
• Get Away, Without Going Far Away
• Born to Fun
• Bada Bing! Choose New Jersey
• New Jersey: Come Glow With Us
• Everything is cool, really. Just don't drink the water in Ocean County.
• The authority on government corruption
• The Diner and Mall capital of the world
• A nice place if you have money.
• Less traffic than LA.
• The Statue of Liberty is OURS
• The largest chemical producer in the United States
• Home of the nation’s oldest beer brewery
• We'll make you into a man, or kill you
• Nothing is illegal here as long as you don't get caught
• The home of pork roll
• The opposite of Texas
• The only state with it's own version of the devil
• Where counties are considered metropolitan areas
• Because Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Alan Ginsberg, Alexander Hamilton, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Ice-T, Danny DeVito, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Paul Simon, John Travolta, Dave Thomas, Ray Liotta, and Frank Sinatra make up for Bon Jovi, Tom Cruise, Robert Blake, Meryl Streep, and Sebastian Bach.
• Better than lots of other states
• Explore our exits, Nudge, Nudge
• We’ll tax the crap out of you
• We’ll crap the tax out of you
• Expect delays
• We’ll look the other way
• Big Hair, Big Fun
• Come develop our open space
• Got traffic?
• At least we’re not Ohio
• Hurry, we’re almost full
• Smell the unexpected
• Slogan? We don't need no stinkin' slogan!
• New Jersey!
• Home Is Where You Spend As Little Time As Possible
• The 4th maybe 5th place I want to be at any one time!
• Yes, you've sunk that low
• You Can't See It While You're Sleeping!
• Thanks to low expectations, you won't be disappointed
• Home of the discount latte
• Inferiority complex ‘r us
• No, you really don't get used to the smell.
• Making the best of it since 1650
• So ashamed our state university is called Rutgers
• uh... i love new jersey?
• If you don’t like it, leave, no one will know
• New Jersey Invented Leaving
• New Jersey Is Where My Mom Lives
• New Jersey Gave Me Acne
• Better than Delaware, at least a little
• So hated. So over populated. Go figure.
• Not Dense, Just Densely Populated
• A 55-Gallon Drum of Fun
• I Can't Believe I'm IN New Jersey
• When You Crave Real Supermarkets, We're The One!
• It was this or Staten Island
• Face It, You Used to Dump Shit On It Too.
• Go Ahead and Slime It, It's Expensive Enough Already
• At least we don't have a view of New Jersey
• What happens in Jersey, stays buried in Jersey.
• Come for the cancer stay for the chemo
• Spineless, soulless, flavorless, limp, disingenuous, castrated, censored, and pureed.
• Edited for television.
• If you can’t make it there, you’ll move over here
• The Big Lemon
• Yes it’s the Fuckin Garden State
• The rest of the country, go fuck yourselves
• There’s a reason the PA border says, “Welcome to America”
• We got Springsteen, uh, and, uh Springsteen
• The weird smell state
• Even NJ’s most famous son sang, New York, New York
• We spent $260,000 on our slogan
• Not as bad as you think
• Where the Rottweilers Run Scared
• We Have an Exit for You
• Pay to Play: Reap the Benefits
• Welcome to New Jersey: Don't Worry, We Hate You, Too
• New Jersey: Hurricane-Free Since 1944
• The Garden of Eden, without all that good stuff.
• Where Kevin Smith used to live.
• Only half the state smells funky!
• The only state named after a kind of cow
• Everywhere you didn't want to be
• Please ignore our plague-infested lab rats
• Vacation in New Jersey: Savor the Irony.
• Visit Newark: Just don't stop
• New Jersey, New Schmersey
• Jeerzy: The Angry Statesman
• New Jersey. It’s not what you expect from New Jersey
• Up Yours! Love, New Jersey
• New Jersey: We're not so good with slogans
• The Lame State Slogan State
• At least we’re not Ne… fuck.