perfidy

I hope it is not too late to wish you, our dear readers, a Happy New Year. I sincerely hope that 2007 has already proved to be prosperous, enjoyable and relaxing for you, and that it will continue to be for the next 363 days. Hell, let’s just wish everyone a pleasant and nice 2008, 2009 and 2010 while we’re at it and put paid to the entire rest of the decade. Happy New Years!

The new year is too recent, yet, to have served up much in the way of disappointments or surprises yet. But I am confident that 2007 will prove to be as exciting and loaded with days as was 2006. In fact, I believe that 2007 will be a banner year. An anus mirabilis, if you will.

What will the new year hold for us? Well, a quick glance about the internets will reveal any number of predictions. A surplus of predictions, if we’re being honest. So what harm would there be in piling on just a little, and offering some predictions of our own? Not much, I think, and those who might be harmed will likely not be in any position to complain.

So, here are some predictions for the new year, organized by probability.

Near Certainties:

• Saddam Hussein will remain dead
• Fergie will remain talentless (pick a Fergie, it will be true regardless)
• I will be tired of the 2008 presidential campaign by mid Spring
• Patton will continue to pretend to post by using the Onion’s nifty auto-post feature
• I will revive the state motto and actual fact series when I run out of ideas again
• That will be sometime before February

Should Happen:

• Apple will continue to not introduce the iPhone
• Despite making progress in Iraq, it will look like we’ve made no progress whatsoever
• Someone will bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities
• Fidel Castro will die, but continue to rule Cuba
• The world will get a bit warmer, and some Canadian farmers will be happy

Might Happen:

• Wi-Fi enabled Skype phones will totally transform the way people do mobile communications
• North Korea will do the decent thing and collapse, and be absorbed by South Korea with minimal loss of life
• Pat Robertson will personally kill Hugo Chavez with his bare hands
• Putin will stop playing around and get really authoritarian, whilst poisoning half of Europe
• It will be revealed that every single professional athlete is on the juice, and most of the amateur ones, too

Could Happen:

• People will realize that France doesn’t matter, and hasn’t mattered since May of 1940
• President Bush will be assassinated, causing momentary rejoicing in certain quarters. Until they realize that Dick Cheney is now President.
• Intelligent life will be discovered on Earth, and it won’t like us
• Michael Jackson’s comeback will be a resounding success

Out on Limb, Here:

• Aliens will invade, then get their asses kick when Christ and Elvis come back. Only the Amish will survive
• The Illuminati will reveal themselves, citing disgust with the total failure of all their plans, thanks to that meddling jerk, Dan Brown
• Apple will seize 95% of the personal computer market, and then everyone will realize that Bill Gates was a nice guy, right before they go into the reeducation camps
• The Libertarians will field a rational, non-insane candidate for President. Oh, shit, sorry, this is about predictions, not fantasy.
• The Ministry will mount a successful hostile takeover of Instapundit. We will appoint the crack young staff of the Hatemonger’s Quarterly to blog here in our stead.

Almost Certain not to Happen in 2007:

• Hell will freeze over
• The Rapture of the Nerds
• Panopticon surveillance and ubiquitous law enforcement become a reality in the industrialized west. (That’s scheduled for 2008. Smoke ‘em while you can)
• The world will end in fire

There you have it. Some of those things, and many others besides, will be sure to happen this year. We'll check back in December to see how I did.