perfidy

Via the 'Dredge Report, we find a story that tracks down the truth, corners it, and has it cowering in fear before skewering it with something pointy. We've run out of names on the hurricane list. The next named storm will have the awe-inspiring moniker "Alpha," and given that we have more than a month left in the season, we might be confronted by the terrifying spectre of hurricane Delta rampaging through the Gulf of Mexico like a sorority chick on spring break going through sissy drinks. (Maybe hurricane Phi Mu (a fat but slow category three) would be lingering off to the side, not really hitting anything but seeming vaguely embarrassed to be there, yet determined to stick it out and make sure that Delta gets home without too much vomit or roof fragments in her hair.)

The DCeiver has some thoughts for how the National Weather Service could improve matters by changing its system of nomenclature:

We want to fear these storms. We really do. But I'll be damned if I run from Hurricane Florence. I already have had the experience of being in a mandatory evacuation over a Hurricane named Bob. I didn't want to evacuate. I felt like a grade-A pussy running from someone named Bob. I still feel that way.

... If the National Weather Service wants to get serious about protecting people, they have got to rethink this name thing. They need to start giving these storms some names that absolutely leave NO doubt that they are going to seriously FUCK US UP. Names like Hurricane Deathbroth or the Kneecapper or Margaret Thatcher. Something that's going to inspire the average person to fear for their lives.

Look at the names they're getting into next year. Hurricane Beryl? Hurricane Ernesto? I can see a little germ of fear growing in the face of a hurricane named Oscar, maybe. I knew a thorough-going bitch named Joyce once. But most of these names are just no good! Nadine is the cute barista at the coffeeshop across the street. Tony is the lead in West Side Story. Isaac is the Love Boat bartender. No, no, no. These are mixed messages!

What we need is a hurricane named, let's say, The Penetrator. You tell me that The Penetrator is coming ashore in 24 hours and I am gone like Keyser Soze. Use the names of famous human predators, like Adolph or Idi Amin or Attilla or Affleck, and people will break out in a mad dash for higher ground. Think about it--when the media reports on the "aftermath of Leslie", how worked up do you expect the Federal responders to get? But if you have reporters beaming out picture live from the devastation wrought by The Defecator--then we'll see some motherfuckers rolling out to save some people on roofs!

Amen.