perfidy

When I was a boy, my grandfather had a beautiful brick farmhouse in rural southern Ohio.  It was built before the Civil War, and was one of the nicest homes in the county.  My grandfather had grown up, poor, not more than a mile from that house.  He moved away, got married, started a business, bought a brand new Cadillac every other year, and eventually, that gorgeous house.  Not bad for someone who never made it past 8th grade.

Now back when I was a kid, grandpa had a dog, Jeremiah.  Jeremiah was a tri-color collie, and fully the brightest dog I've ever known.  He understood English, even if he couldn't speak it.  He guarded the house, kept track of the kids, helped with the horses, and, on weekends, killed chickens on neighboring farms.

There was also a family in the neighborhood, the Wickhams.  The Wickhams were famous in the area for the staggering quantity of their offspring, and the amazing incidence of mental retardation in those very offspring.  The Wickhams were also renowned for their short tempers, alcoholism, lack of good manners and judgment, and poor fashion sense.  My grandfather used the Wickhams as a personal touchstone and tutelary exemplar.  Had he lived longer, he could have recast this as, "What would a Wickham do?  But he died before the WWJD craze hit, and so had to make do with charming stories of Wickham misadventures, the moral of which was invariably, "Never marry a Wickham."

Tommy Wickham was one of the dimmest of the immense and stupid Wickham brood.  He was dumb as paint but much more violent.  I'd guess he was somewhere in the neighborhood of 85 IQ - not dumb enough to be clinically retarded, but not smart enough to be useful.   I'd wager that Jeremiah was smarter, and I have no doubt that the dog was more useful, and had more sense, loyalty and kindness.  Except, of course, to chickens.

I told you that because Steve Jobs just announced the iPad.

I've read a lot of hot air about how the iPad is disappointing.  The announcement is just over 24 hours old, the actual product hasn't shipped, but we already here the familiar litany - much like this time three years ago, when they were aimed at the iPhone.  It doesn't do this, doesn't have that.  It's full of fail.  Lame.  You could get a netbook for less money, and be able to do more.  I'd like to address that latter complaint.

I've been moving the family over to Mac for a little more than a year.  I got the original iPhone back in 'aught 7, then a 13" unibody MacBook, then an iPhone 3GS, then a Mac Mini for a media server.  Since the mini stays hooked up to the tv, the MacBook is our primary computer.  If I'm working at home, no one else has access to the computer.  If I'm away for more than a day, I take the laptop with me - which means that no one has access to the computer.  The kids want to do video chats with grandma.  The wife or the kids want to play games.  The wife needs to check email.  Und so weiter.  For a significant amount of the time, we have less computer than we'd like.

Up until yesterday, I was thinking that we'd need to buy a whole 'nother computer.  At some point, when the stars align and omens are good, we'd perhaps get a nice 27" iMac, and I get the MacBook; or (more desirable) leave the MacBook on the desk and get a MacBook Air, which would be nice and lightweight and portable for when I'm away from home.  Either solution would cost in the neighborhood of $1800, which is a decent chunk of money.  Sure, I could get a cheaper laptop.  But I want light weight.  I could get a netbook, though that would mean going back to windows and I'd rather gouge out my eyes with a blunt spoon than do that.  Even Linux is less than ideal.  (For a perfect description of why I like the Mac, read this.)

But what we need is not another full computer.  I need to be able to write a bit.  And have access to the web, email, video, music, etc.  My iPhone gets me much of this, but by no means all, and in a cramped screen.   I need that something in between, that I can use profitably and easily - but yet is small and convenient enough to carry around and use on the subway too.

If someone gave me $500 and I could get either a netbook or an iPod, this is how I see it: assume that the processors, onboard storage, weight, battery life are all equivalent, or near as dammit.  Which do you choose?  If I'm going on a hike in rural southern Ohio, I could have my choice of traveling companions: Jeremiah or Tommy Whickham.  Both are about 85 IQ, can carry about the same load, have similar food and water requirements and take up about the same amount of space.  But one is highly intelligent and well adapted (except in regard to chickens), loyal, useful and friendly, a happy genius among dogs.

The other is just a retard.  Jeremiah would protect me from bears, warn me of trouble, and go get Timmy if I fell into the well.  Tommy Wickham would utter a constant stream of profanity, pick fights with the bears, and then fall into the well.

My choice is clear - at a similar price point and performance level - get the system that is supremely adapted to what it is.  Don't get something that is in essence a fat chick stuffed into size 0 spandex biking shorts.  A full operating system and apps aren't meant to run on a minimalist system made by commodity PC makers trying to cut every corner to scrape up some margin from the bottom of the barrel.

For half the cost - and in the case of the MacBook Air, half the weight - of buying a whole new computer, I could get the top line iPad.  It fits our particular use case perfectly.  If I'm at working at home, the wife uses the iPad to check email, surf the web, and use it for the kids' school.  If I'm at work, I take the iPad with me - and the wife uses the computer.  When I'm commuting, the iPad is infinitely better than a laptop on the metro.  I can carry it around easily.  If I'm staying at my Dad's house to shorten my commute I have access to the web, email, video, games, even work by way of iWork, and of course whatever wonders the app developer community comes up with.  (Textwrangler for iPad would be nice, hint, hint.)  I can even use a bluetooth keyboard.

And I'll be happy with a system designed by a fanatical perfectionist asshole.  It will be elegant, slick, carefully thought out and pretty.  It will make me feel pretty.  (I should have all my stuff designed by fanatical perfectionist assholes.  Just think of all the fanatical assholes who are wasted in the Muslim world!  Just think what they could accomplish if they turned their minds to design instead of underwear and shoe bombs.)

Best of all though, I can tell my wife that we can get the iPad and we'll be saving $800!!