Ministry Apocalypse Bulletin
For Perfidy readers in Florida, the Ministry recommends retasking your Ministry-approved Zombie Survival Kits (ZSKs) to defense against Alligators. By our calculations, the death rate from alligator attacks has seen an approximately 700 fold jump over the past weekend. A conservative linear extrapolation of this trend would have us losing the the entire population of Florida by sometime next Tuesday. We always thought it would be zombies, or space lizards, or giant fighting robots. But the exact face of our doom is immaterial. What matters is that we go down fighting, with a shotgun in one hand and the bible in the other. Well, maybe a revolver and the Torah. Or a baseball bat and the Bhagavad-Gita. Or a flouncy small sword and a readers digest condensed Shakespeare. Or a metalstorm pistol and a leather bound edition of Dune.
Anyway, armed, and gripping firmly some physical artifact of our our long, glorious and ultimately doomed civilization. Death to the Alligators!
on
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I recommend a sturdy stick be
I recommend a sturdy stick be included in the ZSK: Florida Edition, with which to thrust into the malevolent alligator's open jaws and thereby prevent them from snapping together on you.
If you're on the coast and are being pursued by an alligator, don't be afraid to run right into the surf. Seawater causes alligator's skin to boil like it was battery acid.
No wait- that's the aliens from Alien Nation.
Well, actually yeah go ahead and run into the surf. You'll be in the gator's home court by being in the water, but if you're lucky a cetacean patrol will intervene and take care of your alligator problem for you.
Also, big rubber bands to
Also, big rubber bands to hold the gator's mouth shut. Its tricky to get it on, but gators have much more strength in closing than opening their toothy jaws.
Duck it!
Duck it!
Duct tape applied to gator jaws works. It has to work....
Mapgirl,
Mapgirl,
See, you're making fun of us again.
You don't even own a machete, do you?
GL, you caught me. I don't
GL, you caught me. I don't own a machete.
But I have an overabundance of large kitchen knives and will be happy to butcher a chicken for you, Chinese style with a cleaver.
But I do not mock the duct tape. Never. You're talking to a gal that finds it so useful, I buy it in plain grey and CLEAR. Betcha didn't know it comes in colors now. I love me the duct tape. I even wore it for the evening gown competition for a beauty pageant.