Here I Am... Roooock You Like a Thought Experiment Featuring Historical Hurricane Data...
As if tailor-made for our ongoing non-discussion of the sloppiness and inadequacies of human-based journalism, Reuters has a story about the need for the Big Apple to prepare to bite the Big Weenie: a huge hurricane.
Yeah ok fine- slow news day I guess, so Reuters goes with a news story about something that hasn't happened to fill space. I get that. But at least they could've made some effort to work in other stuff for New Yawkahs to prepare for and be afraid of, stuff that might be at least as plausible as a tremendous hurricane.
Better prepare for Bird Flu; SARS; SARS Flu; Bird-Fu; atmospheric nuclear detonations and EMPs; comets; asteroids; reinforced tungsten rods; black triangles; black helicopters; black shadow people; anything that comes through a stargate; possessive demons (never to be confused with progressive demons, who just want you to sign petitions and buy their crappy band's demo); sunspots; invaders from outer space, the hollow Earth, or extradimensional universes; hums, vibrations, harmonics and other resonances of a non-corporeal nature; the Second Coming (unless you're Jewish); the First Coming (if you are); terrorists; zombies; skeletons; ninjas; bikers; tsunamis; earthquakes; dust storms; sand storms; gravel storms; Grape Nuts storms; hail (of all hyphenated-ball sized) storms; the BBC/BBW nexus; any and all federal agencies, task forces, or commissions; the Bilderburgers, Brandenburgs, Habsburgs, hamburger, and the Hamburglar; all appliances, equipment, or accessories that glow in the dark; Ethan Frome; LCDs; LEDs; IEDs; LSDs; LSTs; DVDs and IUDs; and everyone on the subway, or pretty much everyone, period.
So make sure you store potable water and stuff and you’ll be fine.
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And don't forget the Clap,
And don't forget the Clap, Crabs, AIDS, the French Pox, Gonorrhea and Logorrhea; supervolcanos, supertsunamis, and bizarrosuperman; Global warming, nuclear winter, and Fimbulwinter; Ragnarok, Armageddon, the ending of the great year (2012), the apocalypse and the Indians winning the World Series; the Illuminati, the Rosicrucians, the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and the Cult of the Sub-Genii; protestors of all kinds, biker gangs, scientologists and of course the goth kids; vampires, werewolves, werebears, werepanthers and were-anything small and fuzzy; the ATF; gas trucks; and my favorite, express mail relativistic packages from paranoid interstellar neighbors.
Wait...the goth kids...are
Wait...the goth kids...are they the same as the out-of-control party kids that were all the rage on Maury a couple years back?
Or...wait, now I'm confused- which are the kids who get sent to "boot camp", where comically bemuscled black men yell at them and make them be nice to their mothers?
Well look- nevermind- we'll just be scared of all kids too, ok?
And "werepanthers"...you made
And "werepanthers"...you made that up.
You'd like to think that,
You'd like to think that, wouldn't you.
From George Carlin's Things
From George Carlin's Things to Watch Out For...
* anal rape
* quicksand
* body lice
* evil spirits
* gridlock
* acid rain
* continental drift
* labor violence
* flash floods
* rabies
* torture
* bad luck
* calcium deficiency
* falling rocks
* cattle stampedes
* bank failure
* evil neighbors
* killer bees
* organ rejection
* lynching
* toxic waste
* unstable dynamite
* religious fanatics
* prickly heat
* price fixing
* moral decay
* hotel fires
* loss of face
* stink bombs
* bubonic plague
* neo-Nazis
* friction
* cereal weevils
* failure of will
* chain reactions
* soil erosion
* mail fraud
* dry rot
* voodoo curses
* broken glass
* snake bites
* parasites
* white slavery
* public ridicule
* faithless friends
* random violence
* breach of contract
* family scandals
* charlatans
* transverse militias
* structural defects
* race riots
* sun spots
* rogue elephants
* wax buildup
* killer frost
* jealous coworkers
* root canals
* mental fatigue
* corporal punishment
* sneak attacks
* peer pressure
* vigilantes
* birth defects
* false advertising
* ungrateful children
* financial ruin
* mildew
* loss of priveleges
* bad drugs
* ill-fitting shoes
* widespread chaos
* stray bullets
* runaway trains
* chemical spills
* locusts
* airline food
* shipwrecks
* prowlers
* bathtub accidents
* faulty merchandise
* terrorism
* discrimination
* wrongful cremation
* carbon deposits
* beef tapeworms
* taxation without representation
* escaped maniacs
* sunburn
* abandonment
* threatening letters
* entropy
* nine-mile fever
* poor workmanship
* absentee landlord
* solitary confinement
* depletion of the ozone layer
* unworthiness
* intestinal bleeding
* defrocked priests
* loss of equilibrium
* disgruntled employees
* global warming
* card sharks
* poisoned meat
* nuclear accidents
* broken promises
* contamination of the water supply
* obscene phone calls
* nuclear winter
* wayward girls
* mutual assured destruction
* rampaging moose
* the greenhouse effect
* cluster headaches
* social isolation
* Dutch elm disease
* contraction of the universe
* paper cuts
* eternal damnation
* the wrath of God
* PARANOIA!
And EDog...
EDog, there's some overlap
EDog, there's some overlap there, but still... exhaustive list.