perfidy

Fox News* has a singularly moronic piece up about "Spike TV," the First! Network! For! Men! Beware my awesome fisking power!

"There wasn't that one place where [men] could go," explained Kevin Kay, TNN's vice president of programming and production. "I'm hopeful that TNN is the first place guys will check out, and they'll make it a favorite on their remote."

Right. Except for ESPN/ESPN2/FoxSports/FX/TBS, every network on weekend afternoons, and Shark Week.

Other men in the target audience haven't caught onto the new TNN yet, but are intrigued. Jim Smith, 41, of Indianapolis, said he'd check out the channel's car shows -- which will start airing in August -- and sports, like the full-contact basketball game, Slamball.

Slamball!! Alllll RIGHT!! Personally, I've been dying for a sport that combines the nonstop action of American Gladiators with the spectacle of the XFL, and is as compulsively watchable as BasEketball. Sometimes ferret-legging just isn't enough.

After "Lifetime: Television for Women" was introduced in 1984, other female-oriented channels like Oxygen and WE followed suit. But until TNN reinvented itself, there was no cable channel for guys.

Right. Except for HBO (pre Sex/City), Showtime, Spice!, the Playboy Channel, and the History Network. Dark days, yea verily.

Early Spike skeptics say some of its animated shows like Stripperella and Ren & Stimpy are clichés of what entertains men: sex and toilet jokes. But Lifetime, one of the most successful -- and criticized -- channels has weathered accusations that it stereotypes women.

"We listen to our viewers, not our critics," said Tim Brooks, Lifetime's executive vice president of research. "And what they're telling us loud and clear is that they find the kinds of programming we put on empowering."

<snark> Yeah, empowered to fix me a damn sandwich! </snark> Seriously... are we supposed to believe that women find Judith Light empowering?

"When we talked to guys in focus groups, one thing they said is, 'Don't stereotype us. We don't just want T & A. We're better than that,'" Kay said. "We have to be smarter, deeper and appeal to guys with interests across the board."

Which is why we get Stripperella, Ren & Stimpy, and Crazy Japanese People Hurting Themselves In Costume. Sounds about right. Except I don't see any show dedicated to the care and feeding of Apache servers, or anything about footwear. I love shoe shopping. There should be a show about shoes. I'm also really into the history of public transportation, and architecture. I'm a guy. Where's my show?

So far, Spike's lineup is all over the map, ranging from shows for frat-boy types to those for 30-something yuppies with families. In addition to programs like Stripperella (a cartoon about a stripper/crimefighter with Pamela Anderson's voice) and Slamball, the network airs a slew of James Bond and "guy" movies and male-oriented shows like Baywatch.

Translation: "We've got tits AND ass! Plus full-contact fake sports!"

Uhhhh... what happens if I fantasize about doing drivebys on frat houses, and loathe yuppies and children? Uh-oh... looks like the E! network for me.

If it goes the way of Lifetime, which despite its sometimes-schmaltzy reputation routinely scores top ratings, Spike TV will be a hit.

Wilson, for one, is already a convert.

"Women had like three different channels they could pick," he said. "Men had none. I got tired of watching Golden Girls reruns on Lifetime."

Dude, I didn't even know Golden Girls was still on! What the hell have you been watching? Take off the skirt, Sheila, and come watch the Brickyard 300 on my bigscreen. There's a whole world out there for you to discover, slugger.

* There was a "John Birch" reference here I have since removed. I put it in for fun, but upon reflection, decided it was too stupid to live. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that every well-written piece needs to be balanced by a jarringly incorrect statement. It's entertainment!!