Would an undead umpire please pick up the nearest white courtesy telephone?
OK folks, I need a ruling on something.
As my fellow Ministers and a few readers are aware, I have a second regular job at night at a certain armed courier company. Let's call it "ArmCo". I work with a few young men who are smart, funny, and have much more on the ball than a pitiless, soulless career at ArmCo might suggest. They know it too, but are still a little too unseasoned to understand how little time they have left before they're out of better job options and ArmCo is the best of the bad ones. We have alot of laughs though, and get along great.
At night we usually get everything done early, and have alot of time to gab. Despite whatever meandering twists and turns the conversations might take, astute observers will realize there are really only two topics: chicks, and zombies.
So.
Until last night, those two themes were separated by a vast and yawning gulf. Until last night, they were safely kept far apart. Until last night, there was absolutely no consideration of the unholy and just deeply weird repercussions that might arise from carnal relations with the undead. Until last night, when sort of mostly out of the blue, Dan asked,
"Say I'm tappin' a zombie chick, right? A chick who used to be hot and maybe still looked mostly normal. And say she doesn't bite me or anything. Would I then become a zombie?"
...
Huh.
...
Huh.
...
Here's my reasoning thus far (accept the premise as is. Dan is a former Marine who was wounded and medically discharged. He doesn't have a plate in his head or anything, but he sometimes lets you think he does. Just roll with it):
One the one hand, it would seem that fluid exchange is the essence (to reference both comically brilliant mathematician John Nash AND comically brilliant fictional character General Jack T. Ripper) of zombie creation. That is, some fluid from an existing zombie enters the body of normal human, typically by way of open wound, and presto-changeo the human becomes a zombie in some certain time.
But upon reflection, I'm not sure we ever clearly understand which fluid is the medium for infection: saliva? Blood? Bile? Um, other..? To be sure it depends on the zombies we're talking about: Romero zombies are pretty unambiguously bite/saliva driven, as 28 Days Later zombies (arguably not zombies, but leave it alone for now) were clearly the blood-spewing-and-sharing variety.
As Dan didn't specify which universe his hot zombie chick came from, I focused instead on what I was given: one female zombie. No open wounds. No blood. No other possibility for fluid exchange outside the naughty bits. Would Dan then become an undead Dan? What about with a condom?
I went round and round with this, but just couldn't come down definitively on one side or the other.
on
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§ 9 Comments
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Being fairly anti-zombie and
Being fairly anti-zombie and with a bit of a germ thing to boot (expecially when it comes to the care of my nethers), I have to come down on the "undead Dan with afterglow" side of the argument. If zombies turn people through the vector of bodily fluids, it likely behaves something like a virus. And although not all viruses appear in all bodily fluids, something that has such a profound effect on a person at what seems to be a genetic level is more than likely to appear in every bodily fluid in some concentration, regardless of "universe."
Is there a minimum threshold for exposure? Would a jimmy hat help? Do you want to bet your life on it?
Keep in mind also that Dan the ex-Marine would be, in effect, schtupping a dead chick. Cold, clammy, probably beginning to putrify. I'm just saying, unless you're into [url=http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2005/10/11/real_dolls/index_np.html]th…].
I'm with Johno here - the
I'm with Johno here - the closest thing to a scientific explanation for zombification is always a virus, and those spread, in general, pretty well though any form of fluid exchange. Assuming that the actual sex was the only exchange going on, presumably a contom would save you. That said, if this is a real zombie chick, the chances of you not getting bitten are about one in a million.
Also, if this was happening in a movie, I'd imagine that you'd be screwed no matter what precautions you take - the zombie physiology would change(or some such mumbo-jumbo) in such a way that it dissolved a condom. Never underestimate the power of a half-thought plot twist.
You guys are a wee too
You guys are a wee too literal here.
Of *course* a real zomb-ine would be all rotted and dangerous and 99 other ways to gross. And certainly no human survivor of the Apocalypse would bother to devise a way to capture, incapacitate, and maintain an undead chick for purposes of getting it on. There will be new occasions to enjoy your Marvin Gaye records in the Afterworld without resorting to this. Promise.
But just as a thought experiment, and assuming that any conveivable detriment to actual coitus were solved (it's strapped down tightly, muzzled, has no open wounds, etc), would sexual contact with the undead spread the...the...condition?
I'm inclined to say "yes" as well, but...
Now I'm hung up on another question: would undead sex be rape, since the soulless damned can't consent? Would it be strictly necrophilia, as the "victim" is, for all intents and purposes, dead, yet is animate?
Um, I think you answered your
Um, I think you answered your own questions. Yes to necrophilia, and yes to rape. I don't care what reason an actuarial mind can find to justify the soullessness therefore consentlessness of the damned, it's still rape.
Really, just for kicks on this tip everyone needs to read this fascinating">http://old.perfidy.org/index.php?URL=http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2…, disturbing, and apropos article from Salon. Sit through their damn 'mercial. It's totally, totally worth it.
J,
J,
Whoa.
I heard about real dolls years ago, when Howard bought one. I had no idea there was a whole community of owners now.
Creepiest are the owners who chop their dolls up or otherwise abuse them. Sick pups.
They used to think that if
They used to think that if you licked a toad, you'd get high. Assuming that the zombie virus is in spit or sweat, you'd need a full body jimmy for safe zombie sex.
Personally, I don't think that zombie sex would necessarily count as rape or necrophilia. Although more likely the former than the latter. Unless you think that necrophilia is rape because you can't consent when you're dead. In which case yes it certainly is.
But if it isn't, I would think that necrophilia would involve fascination with the unmovingness of the victim/object of perverse lust. A very wriggly zombie would be far too animate for those sickos.
It would be cold and clammy. But if found a live girl who had a bad flu, epilepsy and a fascination for popsicles you might be able to simulate zombie sex.
B,
B,
You're one sick bitch. Must be why we get along so well.
I'd like to see the personals ad:
"SWM seeks sickly F with icy fetishes. Race unimportant. Please be crippled."
sobbing with laughter
*sobbing with laughter*
I deny ever having met either of you.
There's a paperback out
There's a paperback out called "Book of the Dead" and it's full of unconventional zombie stories by various authors. In one, young lady zombies had their fingers removed and mouths wired shut and were used as hookers in disreputable establishments.