perfidy

I was just downstairs on a smoke break, and noted that the powerball lottery is up to 180 meeelion dollars. Of course, you’re more likely to be struck by lightning something on the order of 175 consecutive times than to win that money, but its fun to think about what you would do with a windfall of that magnitude. A quick check of the website reveals that the cash payout value is just over a hundred million. Take off a third for taxes, and that would leave you with somewhere in the neighborhood of seventy million dollars. That’s not chump change.

What would I do?

• I’d buy a Hummer, because I’m going camping this weekend. (Personalized plate: NLB4ZOD)
• I’d stop at the sporting goods store, and get one of those nifty tents that set itself up if you just ask it nicely. And while I’m there, I’d get one of those Rambo survival knives, just because the cost would only be .000071% of my net worth.
• Once I’m back from camping, I’d get myself a nice Macintosh computer, because compatibility with the computers at work is not exactly an issue anymore. While I’m at the Apple store, I’d get me a powerbook, an iPod, and whatever other iGadgets catch my eye.
• Since iPods hold 10,000 songs, and the average CD has what, 13 songs? I’d need to buy 769 and a quarter CDs.
• I would go to Japan and buy a samurai sword. The kind that takes a wizened Japanese craftsman ten years to fold umpty-thousand times to create the perfect blade. Then, I’d go to the local mall and buy a cheap stamped aluminum rip-off from the Chesapeake Blade and Tzotchke Company. I’d take the hilt and accouterments of the cheapo replica and put them on the real sword, and hang it on the wall. When some asshole sees it, and says, “You won a 180 million dollars and all you could think to do is buy that piece of crap, you nouveau riche idiot?” I could cut his head off with no effort whatsoever.
• I hate squirrels, so I would purchase a Barrett M82 .50 sniper rifle.
• I’d need more cars. So, I’d buy a black 1950 Mercury convertible coupe (plate: BLUES), a 1969 Camaro in dark green with a white racing stripe (plate: BTCHN), and a 1955 Hudson limo.
• I’d pay off all my family’s bills – mortgage, car payments, credit cards and utilities for a year. Some friends would get this treatment, too.
• I'd go to the art galleries downtown, pick out the ugliest crap modern art, buy it, take it home and build a bonfire out of it.
• I’d set up a trust fund to pay for the education of all the children in my family, and provide scholarships for lazy, underachieving white kids. (There would be substantial overlap between these two categories.)
• Beneath a modest mansion modeled after Stan Hywet and Abbotsford House, I would construct the Ministry bunker and catastratorium.
• For elegant dining and formal occasions, I would get a BMW 760i. Twelve cylinders of ultimate driving pleasure. (plate: BOBSGEO) And an Acura NSX, just because. (Plate: WKNPNUB)
• World Tour!
• I’d buy all the books I want. That’s a lot of books. Maybe I’d even buy that book I never heard of that NDR read.

All of that might come to ten million dollars. I’m sure I could live quite comfortably on the interest off of another ten million. What would I do with the remaining $50 million? That’s a no brainer:

I’d buy my own spaceship company.