perfidy

It seems that I have created a monster. Well, there is little else to do but feed it. Herewith, the second installment of the Buckethead Gourmet:

Many years ago, I was living the slacker life in Columbus Ohio. Working part time and spending most of my money on alcohol seemed a sensible and wise way to live. That summer was brutal. Nothing like summer in DC, but as hot and humid as Ohio weather gets. My roommate Thom and I decided that what we really needed to do was create the ultimate chili recipe. If you're going to suffer in the heat, why not go all the way?

Every weekend, we made chili. We undertook a scientific process of experimentation; carefully recording both successes and failures. We built a database of our results, and through careful analysis and further testing in a matter of only two and a half months produced what we felt was the best chili ever.

I have never written down the final recipe until now. The methods of creating chili are as much art as science, requiring an educated palate and deep immunity to spice. However, by following this recipe, you will get the basic chili, and through practice and meditation you will learn to adjust the final results to achieve greatness.

Chili con Buckethead 

Ingredient List:

• 4 lbs. Ground Sirloin (not too lean) You can substitute some cubed steak, but cut it small. ¹1Venison also works very well in this recipe, should you have some to hand.
• 1 lb. Spicy sausage [I prefer Chorizo, but Italian works, as does several other types.]
• 4 large cans of tomato sauce (the quart size)
• 4 cans of tomato paste (soup can size)
• 3 large tomatoes
• 2 large onions, yellow or Vidalia
• 1 each green, yellow and orange bell peppers
• 1/2 lb. portabella mushrooms
• 2 cans black beans [I prefer Bush's, typically, I guess.]
• a good sized bag of hot peppers of your choosing. Habanero, Jalapeno, or hotter.
• 8 oz. chili powder
• 1 clove garlic
• salt
• sugar
• cinnamon
• cumin
• black pepper
• oregano
• sage
• paprika [no, not really - just kidding]
• cayenne pepper
• Dave's Insanity Sauce [crucial - accept no substitutes]
• Habanero sauce
• Tabasco sauce
• 1 deuce-deuce of Guinness

Notes: for all the spices, have plenty on hand. This recipe is not subtle, so be prepared to add more. Also, it's good to have an extra can of the tomato sauce and paste so that we can adjust the thickness of the chili later. A surprising number of things can effect the thickness - including how lean the meat is, the temperature of the range, cooking time, etc. So have more on hand. 

Directions:

Dice the onions and mince the garlic. Throw them in with the beef, and cook until the meat is browned. (You might want to do this in batches - that's a lot of burger, and it's sometimes easier to break it up.) In another skillet, brown the sausage. When all the meat is browned, throw them together into a large stewpot. Very large, if you know what's good for you. Add the tomato sauce and paste to the meat and start it cooking over medium heat.

While that's heating on the range, dice all the remaining vegetables and the hot peppers, and set aside. Return to the pot, and wait until the stuff starts bubbling. Add the chili powder (basically, two jars of it), the beer, a couple tablespoons of sugar, and a teaspoon of salt, pepper, cumin and cinnamon. (Don't worry about being exact, you'll be adjusting the flavor as the process continues. This will just get you started.) Stir that all up, turn the heat down to between warm and medium, and let it go for a half hour or so. Have a beer, smoke a cigarette.

When you return to the chili, it should be happily bubbling, brownish red and ready to fulfill its destiny. Add the vegetables (except for the hot peppers) and stir them in. Let them simmer for a while - maybe another half hour. At this point, we begin the process of getting it to taste right. Add the spicy stuff last, or else repeated tastings of the chili will numb your taste buds and you won't have any idea what you're doing.

Your first taste should be slightly bitter and acidic, because of all the tomato crap in the chili. Add sugar until that is mostly, but not all the way gone. You might end up adding almost a 1/4 cup, or even a bit more.²2Over time, I've added less and less, no more than a couple tbsp. Then add some salt - maybe another teaspoon or so, until the sweet taste is ameliorated. With the salt and sugar, add in doses, stir and taste.

Once that's settled, add a few shakes of the black pepper, oregano and sage, and a few more shakes of cinnamon. The taste of these spices should not be powerful - just sort of undertones under the tomato and chili powder. If you need to add more (most likely you will) do so, but in stages as with the sugar and salt. Follow the same process with the cumin.

By now, the chili has been on the range for about an hour and a half. The veggies are cooked, the flavors are blending, and a taste from the pot should be pretty good. If not, add more spices until it does. Use your judgment, I trust you. If the chili is getting too thick (thicker than, say, clam chowder) add sauce. If it's too thin, add paste. You really can't overcook this recipe, or really even overspice it. Too much sugar? Add more salt. And so on. It is a fault resistant meal - you just need to learn how to fine tune it through a little practice.

Once it tastes pretty good, then we make it taste really good. Now we start adding the spicy stuff. Add several teaspoons of each of the Tabasco and habanero sauces. Add the diced hot peppers. And despite whatever fear the Dave's Insanity sauce label has created in your heart, add at least a couple teaspoons of that. Stir up the chili, and walk away. Come back in ten minutes and taste the flavor. It should make your lips tingle, and burn your tongue a little. Adjust the relative balance of the spicy stuff to suit your palate. You might need to add a bit more sugar at this point - this will mellow the flavor if not the hotness of the spicy stuff you just added. A pinch more salt might also help the flavor as well. If it all seems too spicy, remember that the last thing is adding the beans, which will dampen it a bit.

So add the beans. Black beans really taste much better in chili than kidney beans, and that's what I always use. But remember, this is more in the way of a template than an exact recipe. At this point, the chili is ready to serve. I recommend serving over Jiffy brand corn bread, with cheddar cheese and sour cream. The faint hearted can add more of these to enjoy the taste without burning their little moufs.

Needless to say, this serves a lot of people. I've never made a smaller batch than this, but you could easily cut down the recipe if you so chose. One thing to keep in mind, though: it's more fun to make a big honking vat of chili. Also, this chili freezes well. Whatever you don't eat will keep for months in the freezer. Even in the fridge, the spiciness will keep it safe for at least a week.

I have plenty of vegetarian friends, damn them, so I have learned to make a vegetarian version of this recipe. Basically, substitute portabella and standard mushrooms for meat, use a bit less sauce (or more paste) and a bit more vegetables. Use the same process for flavoring and spicing the chili, and it turns out pretty damn good.

Have lots of beer on hand, because your guests will need it. Oh, and toilet paper. They'll need that too.