Substitute (you for my mom)
The gang at Crooked Timber have cooked up a filthy little scheme designed to sap me of my will to live. In a matter of days I will be a slackjawed raster-tanned homunculus unable to rouse myself from my chair for long enough to excrete, eat, or socialize, eventually dooming me to a short and joyless death as I ponder continually upon this question:
For your tireless service on behalf of good, you have been given the power to replace the weak link in any band, past or present.You need not be bound by practical considerations; youre free to ignore the fact that (say) Peter Criss was the only one who could properly apply the KISS makeup. For example, you can replace Liz Phair (the singer) while keeping Liz Phair (the songwriter). How do you use this power, and why?
Oooooooh.
1) Replace talentless yet good-natured goofball Kirk Hammett of Metallica with someone who can actually play a lead guitar line. Really, any sixteen-year-old bedroom guitarist would constitute an improvement, but I'm inclined to throw a bone to Marty Friedman. He's a phenomenal guitarist and his unceremonious booting from Megadeth and subsequent hiring by Metallica would close the Great Mustaine Circle for all time.
2) Not that I care at all, but if the Godchauxes had never joined the Grateful Dead and Mama Cass and Keith Manzarek had done so in their place, the world would be a better place. Maybe Cass would have lived, the Dead would have sucked noticeably less, and best of all the Doors would be a stillborn memory instead of a lasting pants-crap embarrassment to the entire idea of rock music.
3) Replace Leonard Cohen's prostate with a golf ball. Perhaps then he will quit with the "hot backup singers doing all the work on my latest shitty album" thing he's been on.
4) Replace Elvis Costello (after 1993) with Elvis Costello (before 1993).
5) Replace Natalie Maines' hair with Laurie Anderson's. Girl needs a haircut!
6) Replace David Byrne's ego with Lou Reed's. The Talking Heads would still have broken up, but maybe Tina and David wouldn't hate each other quite so much.
7) Replace The Strokes with The Hives. Or was that the Vines? The Shins? Fuck it. Replace all of them with the Dolls like everybody knows they should.
8) Replace Franz Ferdinand with Gang of Four.
9) I see I'm veering off into pat ad hominem attacks here, so I'll bring it back home. Replace Robert Plant with Rod Stewart. I mean, GOD. The emperor has no clothes! I cannot believe that generations of rock critics and fans defend his off-key yelping and nasal whines as being influenced by Middle Eastern music. No, gentlemen, he just couldn't find the key. Extra points off for execrable lyrics that beat all the humor and fun out of the blues, leaving just "suck it baby, suck it! Suck! Suck! Ahhhhhhhhaaaaaa, SUCK!"
10) Replace Jimmy Page with Eric Clapton. See 9 above. Let Jimmy play rhythm.
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§ 11 Comments
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Im game.
Im game.
Replace Michael Anthony the bass player (Van Halen) with Gene Simmons (Kiss): some nice blues lines to go with EvHs guitar.
Replace Paul Simon the guitar player (keep the singer and songwriter) with Johnny Marr (Smiths).
Replace Manny Ramirez (Red Sox) the left fielder with anyone else: thats what the DH is for.
Replace Michael Anthony with John Taylor (Duran Duran): a little Chic-inspired rhythm for support.
Replace Nicolas Zinner the guitar player (Yeah Yeah Yeahs) with Bernie Worrell the keyboard player (P-Funk etc.): sorry, Johno, that band needs a little funkor a lot.
Replace Chris Robinson (Black Crowes) with Rod Stewart: call it payback.
Replace Peter Buck (REM) with James Honeyman-Scott (Pretenders first guitar player): REM has been laying down some turds).
Replace Michael Anthony with me (anyone can look cool with a Jack Daniels bassbut I can play more than a bump and grind).
Replace Bob Marley with King Sunny Adeoops, they already tried that.
Replace Colin Powell (Bush Administration) with Wes Clark (Kerry Administration) : we all know the latter can bring both the rock and the funk.
Replace Yoko Ono with Anne Dudley (Art of Noise).
BTW, did I say I hate Michael Anthony?
J,
J,
Replace "The Jimi Hendrix Experience" with the "Band of Gypsies" from day one.
We'd all be living in a better world today.
NDR: I saw the beginning of
NDR: I saw the beginning of your last suggested replacement and so expected the recommendation to end with "pustulent, festering, screeching turd" that I am no longer even curious to know who Anne Dudley is.
Either substitution, I'm sure, would be an improvement.
Patton, you're nuts. Nat, you
Patton, you're nuts. Nat, you are too. YES, Yoko has laid some turds, in particular the "Starpeace" album, but she's got some very good, rewarding, and interesting albums as well. Sure, they're a bit difficult, but so are Frank Zappa, Einsturzende Neubauten, and Jim Nabors!
In particular, her "Plastic Ono Band," "Season of Glass, " and the "Walking on Thin Ice" compilation have some really really good shit on there.
People are so down on her, and I just don't quite get why the animus continues. Why is she worse than Diamanda Galas?
I am not complaining about
I am not complaining about the difficulty of her music--G-d knows I like some bizarre music (including EN). But she was no fun. And she found a way of ruining every record that John Lennon ever did (even if he just sang a song to her). At least Anne Dudley could camp it up.
N,
N,
Don't commit too much to this discussion with Johno- he's just looking for another avenue to plug the works of Jim Nabors.
Dude, you don't have to make
Dude, you don't have to make it an even 10 list. What is it with guys and the obsessive list making? It doesn't have to be a round number. You could have ended at 8.
Replace Mike Love and Al
Replace Mike Love and Al Jardine with, respectively, a sack of shit and a somewhat smaller sack of shit. Bruce Johnston can stay, the abomination of "I Write The Songs" being mitigated by being one of the round of vocals in the out-chorus of "God Only Knows," but otherwise it's all Wilsons, all the time.
Maps, I assure you the
Maps, I assure you the 10ishness was purely incidental. Other than that, have you ever read "High Fidelity?" The secret to our ways lies within.
I have read High Fidelity,
I have read High Fidelity, and that's why it struck me you were trying to round it out to a nice even 10, because #9 makes it sound like you were all about the list making.
Hmm, I'm not enough of a
Hmm, I'm not enough of a music conoisseur(sp?) to be able to make educated picks here, so I'll just take the screamy guy from Alexisonfire and replace him with a version of himself that happens to have an extra hole or two in the head, or maybe just a tracheotomy so he can't sing anymore. Hell, I'd even take a mime.