perfidy

Yahoo News brings us a heartwarming story of geek love among the octopi.

It seems that at the Alaska Sea Life Center in Anchorage, there lives a lonely octopus named J-1. Poor J-1 is five years old, which in octopus years is a lot. Our unfortunate hero has lived a solitary life in a tank, entertaining and educating humans, and has never felt the tender touch of the eight arms of a lover.

Geeks know geeks no matter the species, and compassion has prevailed. Not ones to let a kindred spirit to live out a life undeflowered, the human staff of the Seal Life Center knew they had to act.

Love almost passed J-1 by. At 5 years of age and 52 pounds, he's reaching the end of the line for his species, the largest octopus in the world. J-1 is in a period of decline that occurs before octopus die. His skin is eroding. His suckers have divots.

"He's not as strong as he used to be," said aquarist Deanna Trobaug.

That's so sad! Divots! What is to be done?

Why, play otco-yenta, of course! Enter Aurora, a young female with an apparent taste for older men.

To get the two together, aquarium staff put Aurora in a plastic bag and then gently poured her into J-1's 3,600-gallon exhibit tank. She sank to the bottom of the tank and then made the first move, going over to J-1, who was hanging on a rock wall.

Hey, big boy.

With so little time left, J-1 wasn't going to let the sweet Aurora slip through his eight octopus arms. While she had to make the first move, he caught on quickly, especially for an octopus who was collected on a beach near Seldovia in 1999 when he was about the size of a quarter and has lived the bachelor life since.

Ladies and gentlemen, I warn you. Now the story gets wierd. Tentacle-porn wierd.

She reached out an arm and touched him. Only then did he wake up to the fact he had company. Contact made, she went back to her corner of the tank. J-1, dispelling water from his siphon to get quickly across the tank, was in hot pursuit.

"They both were gripping the back wall of the tank. He just about covered her completely," Hocking said.

A little Marvin Gaye. A little mood lighting. A little Colt .45. Like Billy Dee said, it works like a charm.

The two remained intertwined for about eight hours. It's possible that during that time when J-1 was exploring Aurora's mantle with his many suckered arms that he passed his sperm packet to her, Hocking said.

What the aquarium staff does know is that when they separated, J-1 flashed some colors, turning almost white and then dark red.

"It looks like instinct took over during that encounter and they did what they were supposed to do," Hocking said.

Does anyone else get the uncomfortable feeling that "Mary Pemberton, Associated Press Writer" got a leetle too into this story? And what's with the glass tank? I mean, the first time my geek friends set me up with a lady they at least... erm... never mind. Back to our story!

You may well be asking, "but Johno, how can we be sure that J-1 knocked the eight boots?" Simple!!

Spermatophores were seen hanging from J-1's siphon.

Siphon. I'm totally usin' that one.

But despite the presence of unsavory journalists and despite any bizarre tentacle-porn/voyeuristic fetish overtones this heartwarming piece may evoke, what we have in the end is a true mizvah, a good deed done on behalf of a lonely octopus.

Hocking said it seemed only right to give J-1 a chance to do what octopuses normally do before he dies.

In his younger days, J-1 was an easygoing sort who did not try to escape his tank a lot, Hocking said. When aquarium staff would come by to clean, the octopus would reach out and grab hold of someone's arm or a window cleaning tool.

"The goal for this was to let him lead a full life," Hocking said.

Mission Accomplished.