SF Movie Crapfest
As a sort of follow-up to Johno's I, Excrement post, slashdot is saying that the sci-fi channel has greenlighted a miniseries based on Ursula K. LeGuin's Wizard of Earthsea trilogy/tetralogy whatever.
That series is on the very short list of fantasy that I like. It is probably too much to hope that the TV version will not be excrement.
[wik] Spielberg and Tom Cruise are going to make a movie version of War of the Worlds. Its a total crapfest!
[alsø wik] After a closer reading of the article I linked above, I noticed that Paramount has tapped Robert Rodriguez to make a movie out of Edgar Rice Burroughs' classic novel A Princess of Mars. It really is a crapfest - though of all these projects, this one has the best chance of not being a steaming pile of poop.
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Lemme guess- in the Spielberg
Lemme guess- in the Spielberg version, the aliens learn the error of their ways and seek peace with humanity, in time to be innoculated by friendly virologists from the CDC?
Either that, or the invading
Either that, or the invading aliens become a metaphor for American imperialism, and the virus that kills them is the quagmire in Iraq.
Better, better... now throw
Better, better... now throw in a scrappy but serious kid with pluck, ideally a robot or archaeology student...
Good... but not far enough...
Good... but not far enough... there needs to be a useless wisecracking sidekick (though this could be the aforementioned plucky kid) and a tough-but-feminine love interest.
Ok- but the sidekick should
Ok- but the sidekick should be fat, because Hollywood knows that fat characters are the funniest ones.
But not black, because by the
But not black, because by the immutable laws of action movies, he would have to die first.
Yeah, go ahead and call me racist... but only if you lived in a hole in the 80's and didn't see Predator, Aliens, etc, etc. etc.
But unless there are a number
But unless there are a number of black roles proportionate to the number of black Americans generally, Spielberg is a racist. Hmm. Ok, try this:
A dashing rabbinical student (Tom Cruise) takes the fight to the alien invaders with his good pal [insert any name- note: possible edgy name for street cred and urban marketing angle?] (Cedric the Entertainer).
Cruise's little brother (Frankie Muniz) is kidnapped by the martians and turned into a robot, but this simulacrum ultimately grows to love his human original which proves instrumental in the martians' eventual defeat.
Meanwhile, Cruise and Cedric (ah- maybe make Cedric character Muslim? Yes- he converted in prison) use not brute force but the word of G-d himself to destroy the martian invasion fleets. Thinking real Old Testament-scale wrath here....
Still needing an asian, 2 hispanics, and at least 1 sassy tough chick.
Don't forget the geeky
Don't forget the geeky character who's advice is ignored, but is killed before he can say, "I told you so."
And a cripple.
And a cripple.
The cripple is the geeky
The cripple is the geeky character... duh! (ala that stupid Wesley Snipes movie...Tia Carrera as the half-black/half-Japanese coder with the lame hand?) Quick! Someone take a bat to Ross' kneecaps!
Th cripple could be the
Th cripple could be the plucky kid, overcoming his handicap with humor and goodwill. Until he gets eaten by the Martians.
Cedric the Entertainer can
Cedric the Entertainer can give us a 2-fer as fat AND black. If we go with him as a muslim too, we get a trifecta.
What I fear for the Princess
What I fear for the Princess of Mars movie is Seann William Scott (Stifler) as John Carter, and Tara Reid as Dejah Thoris. Even worse, the voice of Eddie Murphy as Tars Tarkas. And they'll probably turn the Martian watchdog Woola into something like Jar Jar Binks.