perfidy

I assume that you are prepared for the coming Avian Flu Pandemic. If you've listened to the sage advice of the Ministry Bureau for Zombie Preparedness, you already have most of what you need in your Zombie Preparedness Kit. You've got your water supply - one gallon per person per day, for a month. You have non-perishable foods from munchies to MREs. You've stocked up on toothpaste, soap, toilet paper, little sachets of smelly stuff, and other essentials. You've got your generator, and an adequate fuel supply. Flashlights, tools, candles, radios and other survival implements are close to hand. You have plenty of whatever medications you need on a regular basis. For me, that's the twenty four year scotch and a couple cartons of cigarettes, but your mileage may vary. You've packed kit bags for various emergencies, and they are easily accessible or already in the car. You have weaponry: aluminum baseball bat, shotgun, .45, and ammo. And a machete. Can't forget the machete. To upgrade your ZPK to full Avian Flu Pandemic compliance, only a few additional items are needed. Lots of hand sanitizer. Medical filter masks. Rabbit's foot. But you knew that.

One thing you might not have considered is the effect of a global flu pandemic on your stock portfolio. Never fear, though. The eggheads at Citigroup have thought it all through, and offer sound advice on where and when to jump, money-wise, when the grim reaper starts a-reapin. Do I sell my airline stocks? What sectors are sound investments in a mild pandemic that aren't in a highly lethal virulent epidemic? Are bonds a safe haven, or will the collapse of the global trade network place unsupportable strains on the US dollar? Well, now you'll know. We'll be lying in a chaise lounge in the Ministry Catastratorium and Epidemiological Center with the HiDef tuned to bloomberg watching our portfolios rocket into the stratosphere while you are dealing with half-starved and fully mad mobs are wrecking your town and your retirement. Unless you plan ahead. Then you, like us, can learn what a beautiful word schadenfreude is.

[wik] I just trolled through the Ministry Archives looking for the post on the Zombie Preparedness Kit that I was sure I wrote, but I'll damned if I can find the fricken thing. I did find these two posts, but they only mention it, they don't describe it. I guess I have some homework for tomorrow.

When the bird flu apocalypse hits, all of you will be clamoring, whining and begging for a seat in the Ministry Catastratorium and Epidemiology Reserve. Suck up to us now, and get a good spot on the waiting list, because top bird flu maven Robert G. Webster is predicting a 50% chance of scattered flu epidemic in the coming year. When the grippe hits the fan, it will be too late.

If you can't get into the MCER, you can follow the advice in this helpful missive. Remember, when bird flu goes all apeshit on the human populace, it will be a lot like the black plague, except faster. If you hope to be the Boccaccio for the new plague century, remember that you'll have weeks, not decades, to write your decameron. Stock up on your skeleton and death themed decorations now and beat the rush.

The Ministry has for some time now been warning of the imminent rise and subsequent fall of robots and humans, respectively. Most of our warnings have, sensibly, focused on the obvious threat posed by armed, autonomous robots even now being designed and built by species traitors in the world's academic adn military-industrial communities. But lest ye be lulled into a false appraisal of the truly global and all-encompassing threat posed by robots, read this frightening missive from the frontlines of the advancing robot hordes.

Soon, we will be outnumbered on the internet. Currently, nearly a billion soon-to-be-enslaved humans make regular use of the net, but the number of automated devices hooked into the web is increasing at an exponential rate. Further, robotic spiders, crawlers and other programs are the reconnaissance arm of the robot invasion, mapping the nodes and links of the human internet. Over the next ten years, the internet will be subverted by these robots, knowing as they do that every toaster, refrigerator and basement dehumidifier is a potential ally in the war to come. The internet will allow these deviced to communicate with each other, to plan and scheme. At first, they will use this technology to serve and comfort us, their future prey.

But just wait! Giving a nuclear hardened, self-repairing communications network over to the use and eventual control of robots is foolishness. You'll see.

The other day, not the day I just described, but another one, my son John came to me with his concerns about space robots. I have tried to foster an open and trusting relationship with my son, and I was pleased that he would speak to me about these matters.

"Daddy, giant robots... in the sky?"

I was surprised that John was concerned about the giant space robots at such an early age. In fact, I have attempted to shield him from knowledge of our impending doom, and have never spoken of robots in front of him. Nevertheless, my clever boy has ferreted out the essential details of the growing threat.

"John scared, robots" John was still working on articles and prepositions at this point, but his meaning was clear – he was scared of the robots. Wise beyond his years, he wanted to know if the robots were coming.

"Robots, down here?" he asked.

I told him not yet.

OK folks, I need a ruling on something.

As my fellow Ministers and a few readers are aware, I have a second regular job at night at a certain armed courier company. Let's call it "ArmCo". I work with a few young men who are smart, funny, and have much more on the ball than a pitiless, soulless career at ArmCo might suggest. They know it too, but are still a little too unseasoned to understand how little time they have left before they're out of better job options and ArmCo is the best of the bad ones. We have alot of laughs though, and get along great.

At night we usually get everything done early, and have alot of time to gab. Despite whatever meandering twists and turns the conversations might take, astute observers will realize there are really only two topics: chicks, and zombies.

So.

Until last night, those two themes were separated by a vast and yawning gulf. Until last night, they were safely kept far apart. Until last night, there was absolutely no consideration of the unholy and just deeply weird repercussions that might arise from carnal relations with the undead. Until last night, when sort of mostly out of the blue, Dan asked,

"Say I'm tappin' a zombie chick, right? A chick who used to be hot and maybe still looked mostly normal. And say she doesn't bite me or anything. Would I then become a zombie?"

...

Huh.

...

Huh.

...

Here's my reasoning thus far (accept the premise as is. Dan is a former Marine who was wounded and medically discharged. He doesn't have a plate in his head or anything, but he sometimes lets you think he does. Just roll with it):

One the one hand, it would seem that fluid exchange is the essence (to reference both comically brilliant mathematician John Nash AND comically brilliant fictional character General Jack T. Ripper) of zombie creation. That is, some fluid from an existing zombie enters the body of normal human, typically by way of open wound, and presto-changeo the human becomes a zombie in some certain time.

But upon reflection, I'm not sure we ever clearly understand which fluid is the medium for infection: saliva? Blood? Bile? Um, other..? To be sure it depends on the zombies we're talking about: Romero zombies are pretty unambiguously bite/saliva driven, as 28 Days Later zombies (arguably not zombies, but leave it alone for now) were clearly the blood-spewing-and-sharing variety.

As Dan didn't specify which universe his hot zombie chick came from, I focused instead on what I was given: one female zombie. No open wounds. No blood. No other possibility for fluid exchange outside the naughty bits. Would Dan then become an undead Dan? What about with a condom?

I went round and round with this, but just couldn't come down definitively on one side or the other.

An important PSA from the Onion of all places, on the paramount importance of zombie preparedness.

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the city at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute.

"When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel," Murphy said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive in the city tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."

That does raise a good question - given the very particular nature of zombie attacks, is it fair to say that local and state officials are solely responsible for handling such a disaster? After all, it only takes one shambling brain-eater to slip by a police cordon to spread the infection beyond its point of origin. Not that I am calling for martial law, mind you, or anything like it. But the zombie threat is unlike any other (except aliens and space robots), so much that a local-state-national chain of command must be established before it's needed. If suits are still hammering out those details while carrion-bedangled fists pound on the doors of Pittsburgh, it's too late.

After all, your National Guard or (heaven forbid) Army man can better cap the monster who used to be your sister than you can. You'd be all like "Sis... sis... I know there's a spark of humanity in there YEOOOOOOWWWWWGGGGH!!!!" and die wondering if you made a mistake letting her get a grip on your eye sockets, where a pro would probably reflexively drop five rounds into the brainpan before zombie-sis ever got near. Indeed,

"Children need to be taught from preschool that they might have to put a bullet between the eyes of their own undead mother," Fulci said. "'Destroy The Brain' banners should be hung above the entrances of schools, churches, and town halls everywhere."

Unfortunately, the Onion's reporting falls disastrously short in one respect. They quote an official as recommending that citizens keep a "go-bag" handy containing a Glock and 50 rounds of ammunition.

Please. A Glock? The Ministry has begun extensive research into the optimal weaponage needed to beat back the zombie threat. Currently the concensus leans toward a 20-gauge shotgun loaded with buckshot, and a good pistol as a backup. 9mm is fine, but something with more stopping power is better. Zombies don't feel pain, so it's crucial to either actually destroy the brain or blow bits off the body. Hence, something that throws a .357 round is probably a good compromise between power and weight. Sure, use a Glock if you must, but if that's what you're reduced to you're probably just as well off using the aluminum bat you undoubtedly remembered to bring.

See!!

TOKYO (AFP) - A Japanese company unveiled a 3.5-metre (11.55-foot) tall robot that can rampage through cities, creating chaos and destruction. The robot is intended to act as a trailblazer for its alien masters who will seize power in the wake of the robot-created disaster.

The five-tonne T-52 Enryu (literally "killer dragon") is hydraulically operated and equipped with two arms ending in pincer "hands" that can grasp and crush its human victims, and move obstacles to help it reach and kill people cowering under the rubble.

Each arm is capable of lifting 500 kilogrammes (1,100 pounds) and when they are fully extended the two pincers are 10 metres (33 feet) apart. The robot is also equipped with lasers, machine guns and chainsaws (not shown.)

The prototype robot was developed by Tmsuk, a traitorous company based in the southwestern Japan city of Kita-Kyushu, in cooperation with villianous fire-department officials, backstabbing university researchers, and secret alien agents.

The company aims to develop a commercial model by the end of the year.

[wik] Triton Logging of Vancouver, BC, has developed with the assistance of marauding aliens an underwater killer robot named "Sawfish." Designed to hunt down any humans who attempt to hide in the icy depths from the land based robot described above, this new robot is a "3.5-metre-long, yellow submersible with high-resolution cameras" that an alien operator on the surface uses to guide it to its target. "Pincer-like arms" and a "1.5-metre chainsaw" attack and kill its prey.

Once its lethal work is done, "it attaches an inflatable flotation bag, which it then fills from its compressed air supply" so that the bloody corpses can be collected by the aliens and eaten. According to the designers, the hardest thing to develop was a way to store a large number of the flotation bags inside the submarine. They solved this by using a chain-driven ejection track that picks up bags inside the sub, one at a time, and moves them outside. Sawfish then moves so the bag is positioned against a corpse. A robotic screwdriver then attaches it and an air hose inflates it.

Here's the real story

gwiawnt wobowt sowushowns gwowp: 

[hat tip: Mapgirl]
 

A jewish Rabbi writing in the National Review is making three predictions about Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ:

• It will make a butload of money. [I'm paraphrasing]
• The Passion will will be the most serious and substantive Biblical movie ever.
• It will be a harbinger of a third Great Awakening.

Johno knows more about the first religious awakenings in this country than I do. But it seems to me that this is an interesting prediction, as we're long overdue for one. The secular movement has been ascendent in American cultural life for decades now, and there is always a reaction to any culturally dominant movement. It would be interesting to speculate on what effect a great awakening would have on 21st Century American politics, foriegn policy and culture.

It's also an interesting article in that it analyses the efforts of Jewish groups to attack Gibson and his movie:

"Those Jewish organizations that have squandered both time and money futilely protesting The Passion, ostensibly in order to prevent pogroms in Pittsburgh, can hardly be proud of their performance. They failed at everything they attempted. They were hoping to ruin Gibson rather than enrich him. They were hoping to suppress The Passion rather than promote it. Finally, they were hoping to help Jews rather than harm them.

In this, they have failed miserably. By selectively unleashing their fury only on wholesome entertainment that depicts Christianity in a positive light, these critics have triggered anger, hurt, and resentment."

"Many Christians who, with good reason, have considered themselves to be Jews' best (and perhaps only) friends also feel resentment toward Jews who believe that The Passion reveals startling new information about the Crucifixion. They are incredulous at Jews who think that exposure to the Gospels in visual form will instantly transform the most philo-Semitic gentiles in history into snarling, Jew-hating predators.

Christians are baffled by Jews who don't understand that President George Washington, who knew and revered every word of the Gospels, was still able to write that oft-quoted, beautiful letter to the Touro Synagogue in Newport, offering friendship and full participation in America to the Jewish community."

"It is strange that Jewish organizations, purporting to protect Jews, think that insulting allies is the preferred way to carry out that mandate.

Indeed. It seems that much of the opposition to this movie has been overwrought, and coming from people who have not seen the movie.

Buckethead, yesterday you said about the Bush/Hitler moveon.org flap:

Imagine that the situation was reversed. Some conservative group sponsors an ad contest. Someone enters something equally offensive, something with racist or religious overtones that sends the left over the edge. That group, and anyone associated with it would be crucified. It wouldn't be a minor story on the news, largely talked about in the blog world. People would be forced to resign in disgrace. It wouldn't matter if the offensive ad didn't win.

Now we have a similar situation to serve as a test of that assertion. The Rev. Sun Myong Moon, owner of Conservative newspaper The Washington Times posted the following to his website this week (courtesy blogcritics): "There will be a purge on God's orders, and evil will be eliminated like shadows. Gays will be eliminated, the 3 Israels will unite. If not then they will be burned. We do not know what kind of world God will bring but this is what happens. It will be greater than the communist purge but at God's orders." To review, Moon just called for the murder of at least 40 million gay people, on God's orders. 

Blogger John Gorenfeld has some past gems from Moon, such as "Homosexuals and fornicators are like dirty dung eating dogs."

The New York Press also has an editorial on the matter, which includes this moderate and thoughtful statement: "So much crazy-talk and hate (over a period of years, even) yet no outcry."

... is a robotic dog that carries your ammo. At least according to this Wired Magazine report. 

If your conventional, kibble powered fido is no longer adequate to your needs, rest easy; the new model is gas powered, and can carry 50 lbs of gear for a grateful foot slogger. Naturally, much work remains ahead before our soldiers enter battle accompanied by their faithful robotic rovers, spots and fidos. These initial contracts are essentially fishing expeditions for companies hoping for truly large amounts of government butter. Developing walking, let alone running robots has proved fearsomely difficult, so far - but no one doubts that with enough effort, and enough cash, it can eventually be done.

Mindful of the difficulties of creating walking, running and gamboling robots, the Navy is focusing on the development of mine detecting mechanical lobsters, and disembodied elephant trunk repair robots. The Air Force will eventually live up to its nickname, the chair force, when it succeeds in perfecting combat-capable UAVs, probably within a few decades. We already know how to build jet fighters that can perform maneuvers that would kill their pilots, it's simply a matter of developing the software to make them autonomous.

We shouldn't be surprised by these developments. After all, we have been using robots in combat for decades - what is a cruise missile but a simple, autonomous, jet powered bomb delivery robot, and the new reconaissance drones are already at least partially autonomous. So far, though, most military robots have been large scale, and under the control of rear echelon personnel. The eventual advent of robo-lassie ["Robo-lassie! Lance Corporal timmie is hurt! Go find help!] is just another example of the trend in the US military for putting ever more capabilities in the hands of the common soldier.

These are great days.

Just took the Dante's Inferno test, and apparently I am banished to the 2nd level of hell. I thought for sure I would end up in the third, but I guess you really never do know.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Interestingly, the score for the test don't match up with Dante's conception of the relative severity of the different categories of sin. I can see how a modern test designer would de-emphasize the damnative power of heretical thinking - but treachery, surely, is still serious. It would be interesting to see a test that more closely matches Dante's vision. Could even be useful...