perfidy

Oregon, oh Oregon. Wedged into the middle of Ecotopia, Oregon is not much good for anything. But, it is a state, and therefore we must perforce ridicule it.

• A great place and not just a game where everyone dies
• Not Every State Can Have A Personality
• Home of quality babes like Tonya Harding and Monica Lewinski
• Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
• We’d burn witches in our Salem, but they’ve gotten canny
• Like Hell, but wetter and smaller
• When we say Beaver State, we mean the animal, perverts
• As weird as California but not as pretty
• Communism failed everywhere else because Salem wasn't in charge
• Ever Dreaming of Conquest
• No Taxes, No Pollution, No Visitors
• We're tolerant because there are no minorities here
• 54-40 or fight!
• Where rain lives
• Do Not Fear Our Giant Prehistoric Trees
• Give me Birkenstocks or give me Death!
• From Chief Joseph to Senator Packwood in one century
• The Oregano Dime Bag State
• The Beavers don’t appreciate your insinuations
• Nike means victory, except here, where it means sweatshops and overpriced sneakers
• Ore Ida Perpetua
• The Big Beaver Furrier’s Dreamland
• In Oregon, Where Shadows Lie
• Holding Back the Sea since 1846
• Land of the Setting Sun
• Rufis Labiis Volat Propriis - She flies with her own red wings
• Oregon: The Apathetic Sta
• West West Virginia
• Just do it. But not with the beavers, that’s cruel
• Oregon - Deprogrammers Welcome
• Jerry Garcia was here!
• Crunch all you want. We'll make more.
• Women not required to shave their legs and armpits
• The Big Ear State
• Beaver! Beaver! Beaver!
• Got Plywood?
• Home of Skid Row
• The Hard-Case, Soft-Head State
• We're not named after a musical instrument
• The Pruny Hands State
• Where beer was reborn
• Keeping Idaho from falling into the ocean for 200 years
• At least we’re not New Jersey, we think
• Where grunge went to die
• The hippies found us. Not the other way around
• I'm a lumberjack, but I'm ok.
• S. M. Stirling Hates Us
• Windsurfing is fun, but not a viable means of escape from Oregon
• Waiting for LA
• Come visit our hippie internment camps
• We don't let you pump your own freaking gas because you're a moron
• Packwood. Beavers. See a pattern?
• Whiter than Ohio, but not as white bread
• Who’d a thunk the Oregon trail would bring us here?
• 100% Beaver and British Redcoat Free since 1902

Yesterday I ordered some books from an online purveyor of used books. Normally, nothing about this process is worthy of comment. But this store, the one that had the three books I wanted at the lowest price, is a little too concerned about doing good.

It’s primary purpose, apparently, is to collect books by donation, and use the profits of selling some of them to fund literacy operations and ship books to places that are not well supplied with books. Like the whole of Africa, for example. All to the good. More power to them. If certain people spent more time reading Sense and Sensibility, Somalia would not be the dog’s breakfast that it is.

But as I went to check out, I noticed a small extra charge. It was only $.12, but being the frugal person that I am, I clicked the little “What the fuck is this?” link. It turns out that I was being charged for Carbonfree™ Shipping.

What, you may well ask, is Carbonfree™ Shipping? Well, let me quote the helpful popup window:

Until Willie Nelson's Biodiesel bus does deliveries, we've got no choice but to send your book on normal planes, trains and automobiles. They all deliver your book considerably faster than we could on our bikes, but they belch carbon dioxide into the air the whole time. In case Al Gore hasn't stopped by your house, sat you down, and given you his slideshow yet, we've got some news for you. These carbon dioxide emissions are overheating our planet, causing a "climate crisis". Carbon Offsets are a way that we can "offset" these emissions through the purchase of clean energy credits and reversing deforestation. It is only a few pennies per book, but when thousands of people do it every day it adds up.

We looked at our shipments and used Carbonfund.org’s Carbonfree™ Shipping application to estimate the average offset needed for our packages and we always round up. 100% of the funds charged as Carbon Offsets WILL be used to purchase carbon offsets. Once Better World Books is 100% carbon neutral, we'll start to offset the carbon emissions of our non-profit partners. After that, we'll offset Exxon's emissions. They'll never know what hit 'em.

We work with Carbonfund.org to make this possible. If you like it, demand Carbonfree™ Shipping wherever you shop online.

Thank god Al Gore has not stopped by my house. And thank god you aren’t so doctrinaire that you do deliver my books by bicycle. I’d like to read them.

I know they’re trying to help. They think that the sky is falling, and they’re trying to do their part. And it’s only twelve cents. I can afford it, I hope. But inflicting their environmental pieties on me, at my cost, just irritates me. I don’t think that the world is coming to an end. And if the climate is changing for the warmer, I don’t think that what they’re doing, or the whole damn Kyoto accord will make a lick of difference. Even the people who put it together don’t think it will make a lick of difference. Carbon dioxide is not the most powerful greenhouse gas. And of all the CO2, the bit produced by us is a very small percentage. And greenhouse warming might not even be the reason we are seeing warming. And, for the last couple years, it hasn’t been warming.

Maybe I’m just being curmudgeonly, but I want my damn twelve cents back. And if I can’t get it, I’m going to light a plastic fire in my back yard, and cause at least twelve cents of environmental damage. Maybe even fifteen cents worth, because I’m pissed.

In the wake of the joint EMI/Apple announcement that DRM-free EMI tunes will be available for sale on Apple's iTunes store, people have been speculating on what it all means. Aside from many predictions of the imminent demise of DRM, one potential fallout is a new chapter in the audio standards war. (Apple favors AAC, Microsoft WMA, and MP3 is the default other format. For more info on audio file formats, see this wikipedia overview with links, or the second half of this article for a good explanation.) Arik Hesseldahl of Business Week talks on this, and it's well worth a read, but the bit that got me laughing was this:

AAC-format supporters include some notable names, including Microsoft's Zune. So come May, the 16 people who own one will be able to buy EMI tracks from iTunes and presumably play them on that device.

I am amused by how Microsoft always quotes market share figures by saying, "Hard Drive Music Players." They've gotten less than 10% of maybe a quarter of the total music player market, and that doesn't even take into account iPod sales from Apple stores and online. They might have managed to get 2% of the total market. Quite a splash considering how much cash they through at it.

Oklahoma has had some hard knocks. The Dust Bowl, the bombing in Oklahoma City, and the existential pain of being Oklahoma. To cheer them Oklahomians up, here are some new, funner(tm) slogans:

• Labor Omnia Vincit is not the same as Arbeit Macht Frei
• We have 42 distinct words for "dust"
• We're like the Canada of Texas!
• Home of the world famous Dustarium
• Like the Play, Only No Singing
• We're OK, you're NOT!
• No, I'm not from Muskogee. No one is.
• I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
• As mentioned in The Grapes of Wrath
• Gateway to fuck-all
• Sooner does not mean premature ejaculation
• When you think of Oklahoma, please think of the rousing song “Oklahoma!” Do not think so much of the less rousing song “Trail of Tears.”
• Oooooooooh klahoma them ternaders sweepin' down the plains!
• Some people say we don't suck!
• We wish God would hurry up and call Oral Roberts home already
• The Forcible Resettlement State
• We're Texas Without A Coast
• The circus has been here twice!
• The Scoured by Dust State
• 'Sup, Okla-homie?
• Swallowing, and swallowed by, dust
• Tornado Alley. ‘Nuff Said.
• Indian Territory, now and forever. Well, for a little while.
• The Slow Drawl State
• Oklahoma - Even Texas Has To Make Fun of Somebody
• The Unassigned Lands State
• Oklahoma: Named After an Indian Tribe We Slaughtered
• The avenging sword of the lower Midwest
• Why would the white supremacists bomb us, godammit?
• GUSTY®
• Five Displaced Civilized Tribes, plus Rednecks
• More than just a catchy song
• The Frying Pan State
• From a Musical of the Same Name
• Bank Foreclosure capital of the universe since 1932!
• The Red Person State
• Oklahoma is OK. Really.
• We’re really an East Coast kind of state
• Come for the lethally violent weather, stay for the arid flat sameness of terrain
• They had to make us a state, just to avoid having a pan shaped hole in the map
• Where storm sirens are the signal to get lawn chairs, video camera.
• Oil and dust, it’s what for dinner
• How come the Navy never names ships after us anymore?

Orson Scott Card, author, Mormon, and Democrat, has an interesting essay up over at his site the Ornery American. In it, he examines the Mormon aspect of Romney's candidacy from the point of view of a fellow Mormon, but one who is also occasionally in the public spotlight. Interesting stuff, especially this bit:

When I heard that Mitt Romney was actually running for President, my first thought was, "Is he serious?"

Doesn't he know that there is zero chance of a Mormon ever being in the White House?

Actually, no, that wasn't the bit, is was this one:

Only Dumb and Crazy People Believe Those Doctrines!

Ah. Here's where we come to the ugly part.

This is what that article about Mormon beliefs in The Week was really about -- making Mitt Romney seem like an idiot for believing in Mormon doctrine.

In his book, Hugh Hewitt recounts some really offensive, outrageous attempts by opponents of Mitt Romney to try to force him, in press conferences, to answer questions about Mormon belief.

"Do you, personally, really believe in [insert wacko-sounding doctrine here]?"

Sometimes the people asking that question will be evangelical Christians out to "expose" how false and ridiculous Mormon doctrines are.

But when the press picks it up, it'll be anti-religious people using a man's religious faith as a reason to ridicule him so he can't be elected President.

Do you think Mormons are the only people who can be treated that way?

If you're a Catholic, would you appreciate some reporter asking a Catholic presidential candidate, "Do you really believe that when you take the communion wafer, it literally turns into human flesh in your mouth? Isn't that cannibalism?"

If you're a Baptist, would you think it was legitimate for a heckler at a press conference to ask a Baptist presidential candidate, "So you think that when Jesus comes again, you're going to just rise right up into the air, no airplane, no jet pack, you'll just fly? Or aren't you a good enough Baptist to be in the Rapture?"

This was in the context of discussing the fears of the electorate in regard to a Mormon candidate. I think Card has it spot on here, and I believe we will see this, and much more as long as Romney stays in the race.

Another point that Card raises, one that I'm not so sure of, is this:

The mainstream media have taken a look at Mitt Romney and, just like George W. Bush in 2000, he's the nightmare candidate for them -- the one they have to kill.

Why? Because he's exactly what they most fear: A conservative who can appeal to moderates. After all, this guy won an election for governor in Massachusetts. As a Republican.

I think that to the extent that the media are going to gang up on someone, they're waiting. Except for targets of opportunity as conservative candidates come into range. The target that the liberal media must kill is the one that the Republicans nominate. In the meantime, I think they'll be going after the most "extreme" right wingers, and puffing up the tame Republicans like Romney, Guiliani and McCain. Until all the bad ones are gone, anyway.

This bit also amused me, considering my recent reentry into political bloviating:

Is Mitt Romney the Best Candidate?

I have no idea. I don't know enough about the other candidates -- or about Mitt Romney, for that matter. Just as I hope no one will reject him because he's a Mormon, I am not going to support him just because he's a Mormon.

I'm a Democrat. I would be really grateful if my party would nominate somebody who doesn't make my skin crawl just thinking of them in the White House (i.e., someone who isn't Hillary Clinton).

I'm glad that there are Democrats that feel that way. Very glad.

Card wraps things up with a question: "Let me ask you Republicans who would consider yourselves moral conservatives: Would you really let a person's religious beliefs absolutely disqualify him from the Presidency? And if you're leaning that way, think about this: If it was a choice between a moral conservative and decent person like Mitt Romney, who happens to be a Mormon, and Hillary Clinton, would you really sit out the election rather than cast your vote for a Mormon?" This question doesn't really apply to me, but I think it will be the most important question determining the success of Romney as a presidential candidate. Can he convince the religious parts of the Republican party that he is an acceptable candidate? For me, its a no brainer when it comes to choosing between Hillary and anything else. I'd vote for Dark Cthulhu before I'd vote for Hillary. Mormon barely registers. But for the born again, someone who is born again wrong is a real stumbling block, no matter how much he might agree with them.

Read the whole article, it's worth your time.

From Bruce Schneier's on Security Blog, a link to a fascinating story of a young British fraud prodigy, in two parts.
And don't forget these important Bruce Schneier Facts:

• Bruce Schneier doesn't need facts. With one roundhouse-kick he can generate a formal proof for whatever he needs.
• Bruce Schneier only smiles when he finds an unbreakable cryptosystem. Of course, Bruce Schneier never smiles.
• Bruce Schneier doesn't need to hide data with steganography - data hides from Bruce Schneier
• Bruce Schneier expects the Spanish Inquisition.
• Santa Clause doesn't know if Bruce Schneier has been good or bad
• There are no prime numbers. Only numbers that Bruce Schneier does not want you to factor.
• If Bruce Schneier wants your plaintext, he'll just squeeze it out of the ciphertext using his barehands
• Bruce Schneier counts in binary. With his fists.
• Strong cryptography does not exist for Bruce Schneier. There is only weak and less weak cryptography.

Interesting. In a poll of over 3000 sf fans by sfx magazine, Serenity was voted the best sf movie of all time, over second place Star Wars. I dug the movie, but I don't know if I'd rank it in first place. The whole list:

1. Serenity
2. Star Wars
3. Blade Runner
4. Planet of the Apes
5. The Matrix
6. Alien
7. Forbidden Planet
8. 2001: A Space Odyssey
9. The Terminator
10. Back to the Future

I am slowly, grudgingly, becoming interested in the 2008 presidential race. There are three reasons for this. First is $26 million dollars, and the second is The Hunt for Red October. The last is the fact that this will be the first completely wide open presidential election in god knows how long. No incumbents running. One hope, one fear, and history.

History first. This will be the first election with no incumbents with their hats in the ring since 1928, when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. In that long ago election, President Coolidge declined to run, and Vice President Dawes was so roundly disliked that he was not even considered. In the intervening 80 years every election has involved either a sitting President or Vice President, and while that is no guarantee of victory, it does simplify the process – since no party is going to piss on the inherent advantages that a incumbent brings to an election.

This year, we’ll have double the fun, as both parties will go through the agonizing (for the electorate) and embarrassing (for the candidates) process of anointing a contender for the hot seat. So, this time around we’ll have double the number of concept candidacies, twice as many extremist loons who seemingly believe that they have a real shot, and two times as many blustering hollow shells who think that a nice hairdo is qualification enough for the highest office in our republic.

It should be a good show.

Next, fear. Recent news reports have handicapped the performance of the various presidential wannabes over the first quarter of fundraising. Prominent and smirking at the top of that list is Hillary Clinton. Unless Obama surprises everyone and turns in some huge numbers, Clinton is the clear leader in the Democratic money stakes. And that bothers me.

To be sure, the Democratic Party, and its members, have a perfect right to nominate whomever they choose. Individuals and companies have a perfect right to make donations to whomever they choose. But Jesus Swordswallowing Christ, why Hillary?

I simply do not understand the appeal of this woman to anyone, especially including Bill Clinton. Now, as a symbol, she has some plus points: a woman in politics, a former first lady, senator from a moderately serious state, an abused wife, etc. But as for her personal qualities, what she actually is, I can’t get it. She’s shrill, the cliché is her primary mode of discourse, she’s disingenuous, an obstructer of justice, her one major policy initiative was a failure for more reasons than I can comfortably list, and she’s married to Bill Clinton. As bad as I feel Hillary would be as President, the idea of that walking, glad-handling hormone as First Lady is starkly terrifying.

I sincerely hope, and am fervently praying, that the Democrats will nominate someone else. Even Kucinich would be an improvement.

Lastly, we have the GOP candidates. It would not be fair to compare, as Dennis Miller did of the 2004 Democratic candidates, the current lineup to that of the 68 Mets. But the only serious announced candidates are McCain, Romney, Guiliani. A mick, a mormon, a wop. And I don’t throw those slurs out randomly – they seem to actually reflect, to me at least, the characters of the candidates. McCain is famously hot tempered, and I’m sure there’s a bit of him that would like to get roaring drunk and beat the crap out of people. Mitt Romney acts like a Mormon: sober, responsible, good to his family, and just a leetle creepy. And Guiliani is slicker than Hell, and a bit of a womanizer, and one suspects that he might not be that good in a standup fight against the Germans.

While I have nothing against these front runners, I know enough about them that I’m not feeling particularly for them.

The other candidates, they don’t do much for me. Unless one of them pulls a rabbit out of his ass, none of them are going anywhere. (Where are you going? Nowhere.) I am a bit of a political junkie, and while I haven’t posted on politics in sometime, I do keep up. Up until I saw a list of GOP candidates, I had never heard of Ron Paul, I had to be reminded that Gilmore was once governor of my state, and Sam Brownback brought to mind several bad jokes that have nothing to do with Kansas. The rest are mostly faceless, characterless boobs. Not that I am singling them out for opprobrium – that is the nature of all but a few politicians.

Which leaves Fred Thompson. The Hunt for Red October. That was the first time I became aware of Fred Thompson, playing the role of Adm. Josh Painter in the movie version of Clancy’s best novel. "This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it." Fred isn’t running yet, though Novak thinks he will, and the results of this interweb poll would seem to be encouraging.

I dig the guy. I think he’ll be the next Reagan. I hope he joins the race.

[wik] Thanks to the Maximum Leader for the link to the nifty interweb poll.

Holy Latent Homosexuality Batman! I forget where I got this. Maybe Rocket Jones. Maybe Llama Butchers. Maybe somebody else altogether. But regardless, it is awe inspiring.

Go see Joker's Boner, and many other horrifying comics.

Ohio, place of my birth. I love Ohio, really. I miss it, but not enough to go back on more than a temporary basis. Despite its virtues, Ohio is nevertheless easy to ridicule. It had a bad time there for a bit, and hasn't really recovered. So let's not make it any easier:

• Ohio: Pretty Much Over The Top In Suck
• Ohio - Almost As Thrilling As It Sounds
• The buckeye isn't the only thing with one eye
• It's more than just "hello" in Japanese.
• With an omnipotent universal supreme being of undetermined gender which may or may not exist, all things are technically possible!
• With God, all things except keeping our state motto are possible
• Safe for undergraduates since 1972
• At Least We're Not Michigan
• Ohio - The Fascinating Meat In a Indiana-Pennsylvania Sandwich
• Redefining "Average" for a new millennium
• We didn't know he'd grow up to be Marilyn Manson
• Stupid is the New Smart
• Hey, At Least Our Cows Are Sane
• Ohio - Shoddily Made Buckle of The Rust Belt
• Gateway to Hoosier Land
• Where the not-quite East meets the almost-Midwest
• We ruined it for everyone
• You Don't Have To Be Southern To Be a Frightening Hillbilly
• We know all about illegal immigrants. Ask us about Parma
• New Ohio! This next one will be dynamite, huge. You’ll see
• The Thingamabob State
• The Real Birthplace of Aviation, not those Lamers in NC
• Come on, the River Hasn't caught fire in almost a half Century
• The outstretched eastward facing phallus of the Midwest
• Rocky beaches, no riptide
• We have the worst medium-sized cities in the country
• Surf the North Coast!
• You'd think the home of Rock and Roll would be more… exciting
• We were prosperous, once
• You say "White Bread" like it's a bad thing
• Can you believe we almost fought a war to get Toledo?
• Best fucking Roller Coasters in the universe, baby
• I'll show you a Buckeye, Mister!
• No. That's not a satanic symbol. They're just stars for each of the 13 colonies!
• Ohio: Where one of your dad's friends lives
• We're actually quite lame, but you smell what I'm stepping in here
• Birthplace of seven Presidents, one of whom didn't even suck
• Go Indians... and take the Browns with you!
• Drew Carey doesn't even live here anymore
• Three yards and a cloud of dust
• Ohio, birthplace of the Drunkest, Fattest, Short-termiest, and Most Corrupt Presidents
• Rubber capital of the world. Like the tires, you pervert
• Ohio Thanks You For Your Pity
• Birthplace of the Hot Dog
• The Taft family started out fat and went downhill from there
• Birthplace of Three of the Five Greatest American Generals
• With God, All Things Are Possible -- and a little hush money to the governor doesn't hurt, either
• Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
• Hey, just stick with it. If plate tectonics holds up, someday we'll be in New Zealand
• Ohio: lots of nice, and largely dull, people.
• Tourism just hasn't been the same since 'WKRP in Cincinnati' was cancelled
• Don't Judge Us Until You See Indiana
• Tell West Virginia to move back to West Virginia
• A Good State
• Ohio: a Mohawk term meaning 'filthy, yet stupid'
• As Close to A Palindrome as You'll Get in This Country
• A million miles of boring
• The "Holy God This Is Boring" State
• Mayo Goes On Everything
• We almost killed Lake Erie once, and if it even looks at us funny, we’ll do it again
• Hey France, want it back?
• We're easy to spell
• Proud of Marilyn Manson, Marge Schott and Jerry Springer
• Home of the World Collegiate Cow Tipping Championships
• The old Northwest
• Cleveland's not as bad as it used to be
• We know the rules to euchre
• Soda? We say pop here, fucko.
• Screw this "Lake Effect Snow" Crap
• Ohio: Fat Ass Country
• Where people from Newark or Detroit can find a better life
• The Alabama of the North
• Ohio Escape Velocity higher than that of Jupiter
• German Humor, Appalachian Neatness
• The dropped Infinitive State
• Your broadcasters sound like us
• Tin Soldiers and Nixon's coming, We're finally on our own. This summer I hear the drumming, four dead in Ohio

[wik] Bonus slogans!

• Kiss your wife where it stinks: visit Ohio!
• More colleges per capita than any other state, as if that makes a difference
• Ohio: helping the gay small-business owner find somewhere else to live since
  1803
• George Washington's Back Forty
• Why they keep shootin at our presidents?
• Home of the Cleveland steamer
• North West Virginia
• Just passin' through!

The Palestinians, infamously, are a people that bad things happen to. Whether from the perfidy of others (Jews), natural causes (Jews) or their own tragic flaws (planted there by Jews) calamity seems to stalk the Palestinian people like some loathsome stalking thing. Latest in a long line of humiliations and embarrassments is this: "Five dead in Gaza 'sewage tsunami'". Many people get hit by tsunamis. But only the Palestinians would get hit by a sewage tsunami.

[wik] I am truly sorry for those who perished, and for their families. But I can't help seeing this as one admittedly noisome piece of a larger picture.

A corporate relocation firm has ranked the states in order of their putative business friendliness. All well and good, I suppose. I wonder if its any coincidence that the place of my birth ranked 49th, and the state of my current residence ranked #1. Probably not. Full list, for your perusing convenience, below the fold.

1 Virginia
2 South Carolina
3 Florida
4 North Carolina
5 Utah
6 Wyoming
7 South Dakota
8 Alabama
9 Georgia
10 Nebraska
11 Idaho
12 Nevada
13 Maryland
14 Oklahoma
15 Tennessee
16 Kansas
17 Washington
18 Iowa
19 Missouri
20 Oregon
21 North Dakota
22 Pennsylvania
23 Arkansas
24 Texas
25 Connecticut
26 Delaware
27 Montana
28 Massachusetts
29 Arizona
30 Mississippi
31 Michigan
32 New Mexico
33 Colorado
34 Vermont
35 Hawaii
36 New Hampshire
37 Louisiana
38 Indiana
39 Minnesota
40 Illinois
41 Maine
42 New York
43 New Jersey
44 Wisconsin
45 Kentucky
46 Alaska
47 Rhode Island
48 West Virginia
49 Ohio
50 California

This weekend, my son started watching the Star Wars movies. This is an important event in the life of a child, akin to the rites of passage of the past where small children were sent out in breechcloths to kill lions with their bare hands, or dig for grubs with their bare tongues, or similar odious tasks. Happily, we are an enlightened people, and parents no longer have to deal with bloody lion (or child) carcasses soiling the carpets, or must try to put bandaids on dirty tongues.

Instead, we are forced to relive the great arguments of the past in the innocent questions of the young. Why, indeed, are stormtroopers not all the same height, given that they are clones? As I watched, with half an eye, the great saga that is Star Wars, some questions popped into my head that had never popped before.

Imagine that Adolf Hitler conquered the world. He is now known as Der Fuhrer, of course, and rules with an iron hand and generally goes around scaring the bejesus out of people. Imagine that in a desert region, far from the bright centers of the Nazi world – maybe in Indiana – there is a young boy with the last name Hitler. He becomes involved with the resistance, and learns to fly, and in a climactic confrontation with Der Fuhrer at a oil shale strip mine in Alberta learns that Der Fuhrer is in fact his father. Should he be surprised? Would no one have ever commented on the puzzling similarity of last names?

If Han Solo marries Princess Leia, what are their kids’ last names going to be? Solo-Organa/Skywalker? Are they royal? Is Princess Organa royal because of her birth, or by adoption, or both? Is lovable rogue Han thereby made a prince-consort, a sort of upscale gigolo?

What happens to the Ewoks after their improbable victory over that crack imperial legion on the forest moon of Endor? The Empire is not going away at once, are they brutally repressed, or is the Empire too busy for petty vengeance? Does the Rebellion try to help them out? Given that they are so preposterously martially competent, to they enlist in the service of the Rebellion as a sort of fuzzy Gurkha regiment and, armed with improved, metal, spears go on to kick stormtrooper ass throughout the galaxy? Personally, I believe that they will attempt to crassly cash in on their helpful but in the end walk-on role in the defeat of the dread Galactic empire, and make trillions of credits on the lecture circuit and in the marketing of fuzzy action figures and Ewok™ dolls to the credulous youth of ten thousand systems.

Finally, decadent and depraved, they will be displaced by the marginalized, but very populous ethnic group of ex-stormtroopers, who, with their wives, will be in search of a homeland where they will be safe from persecution by all those who hate them. Choosing a location that is not coincidently the site of their most emotionally powerful defeat will seal the deal, and the new Senate will approve the expulsion of the greedy, conniving and only superficially cute Ewoks.

I think, too, that the name Jar Jar Binks will go down in history (now that, after the collapse of the Imperial Censor’s office books are once again being written) as one of the greatest traitors in history. Like Benedict Arnold, whose early military successes are overwhelmed by his betrayals, Jar Jar’s actions in the Senate will be a permanent stain on the honor of his people, whatever the hell they are called.

And, really, where do all these Sith come from? We are told that there are only two Sith at a time, one a master, one an apprentice. But as soon as the noble Jedi off one of these fuckers, there’s another one growing up in his place, just as mean and even more competent. Sure, the Sith can take advantage of the existing Jedi program as kind of a farm league for Sith talent, but there must be some knowledge that can only be transmitted Sith to Sith, as it were. I mean, if the whole basis of the extraordinary power of the Sith is merely, “Use your hate, it will make you strong; follow the Dark Side” well, surely there would be thousands of competing Sithoid factions. They’d be as common as Starbucks franchises, or, perhaps more appropriately, Hair Metal bands in the eighties. (Which would make Punk, and later Grunge, into Jedi. Shudder.)

If all it took was one disgruntled Jedi saying (if only to himself) “Fuck this, I hate that arrogant, backwards-talking prick Yoda!” to unleash the power of the dark side, one would think that the Jedi wouldn’t have lasted for a thousand days, let alone a millennium, no matter how good their indoctrination.

Finally, if it weren’t for the unabashed evil talk of the Sith, and Chancellor (later Emperor) Palpitating and his evil and various Darths, I’d be hard pressed to argue against their program. The Republic is about as useful, in the time of the prequels, as the UN is today. And as ethically challenged. They want to bring order to the galaxy. What’s wrong with that? The Jedi, with their bizarre code and weird eugenic determinism, seem to not be very useful at all. Certainly not as useful, in the face of faceless corporate droid armies, as a bunch of highly skilled, well armed, and polite clones.

The force guides them, but they can’t detect a massively evil operation that is not only operating in their midst, but is practically dancing in front of them with a giant, strobing, “I’m a Sith” sign on its chest. Didn’t they read Luttwak’s Coup d'État: A Practical Handbook? Sheesh. And if Starting Anakin’s training at age seven was not sufficient to keep him from the dark side, then the Jedi could take some lessons from the Jesuits. Perhaps we could export some. Although Jedi-Jesuits would probably be a very bad thing. What color light sabers would the Jesuits use? Ignatius Loyola would have done a better job than goofy, half-pint, inside-out speaking Yoda, especially if he had light sabers and the Force to go along with his fanatical devotion to the Pope. (Among our chief weapons are such diverse elements as fear, terror, a near fanatical devotion to the Pope, light sabers and the Jesuit mind-trick…)

North Carolina, birthplace of renowned presidents Johnson and Polk, and stuck with these slogans like lots of tiny, tiny albatrosses around its neck:

• We’re “Tar Heels,” because “Shit Heels” was already taken
• Tobacco is so a Vegetable
• Five million people; Fifteen last names
• We're part of Dixie. Don't let the “north” fool y’all
• If it weren’t for plate tectonics, we’d be in Morocco
• Let’s just be clear, our state is named for the King Charles who got beheaded, not the gay one
• The better, norther Carolina
• The first carton's free
• First in Flying Pirates
• You can't prove tobacco causes cancer
• Sure, we've got weird, blue-skinned, inbred mountain dwellers, but at least we don't still fly the confederate flag! Oh wait…
• The Scuppernong Grape State
• The Anti-Buccaneer State
• Gateway to Tennessee
• We're cheaper by the carton
• Join us in creating the Greater Carolina Co-Prosperity Sphere
• We’re moving to Virginia
• Under Chapter 11, thanks to the tobacco lawsuits
• Slavery, tobacco, as long as it involves the suffering of others, we're for it
• We're bigger than South Carolina
• The Turpentine State
• The New Jersey of the South
• We didn’t do any of the work, but we’ll gladly take credit for inventing the airplane
• Where white supremacy and NCAA basketball go hand in hand
• General Sherman Cheated

You may be painfully aware of the Ministry's ongoing series, "Great Mottoes for Lackluster States." We felt that it was unfair for the United States to get all the abuse, and Loyal reader #0018, Nicholas has cheerfully stepped up to the plate and contributed, exclusive to the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, a list of slogans for his homeland of Australia:

• Yes, we have beer.
• If not the Great Southern Land, at least a Pretty Good Southern Land.
• The land of broad expanses, and expansive broads.
• More didgeridoos than you can shake a hollow stick at.
• Now with electricity!
• Come see our bridge.
• No worries mate. At least not after you've finished the other 6-pack.
• Hotter than a monkey's bum.
• More than just a string of beaches, but seriously, who cares?
• Go to the beach and let it all hang out. Well, your stomach, anyway.
• Boasting the best marsupial to tourist ratio in the world.
• Marry an Australian girl, and Bob's your uncle!
• Instead of a Starbucks, we have a pub on every corner.
• Kind of like a cross between Canada and Hell.
• Our national dish is charred meat.
• Texas is small and densely-packed by comparison.
• Cricket - There's no better excuse to drink continuously for 5 days.
• Home of The Big Sheep, The Big Pineapple, and other Humorously Large Items (such as the Prime Minister's eyebrows).
• Did I mention we're all descended from criminals? Hey buddy, nice camera.
• More Wombats per square kilometer than anywhere else.
• Visit Woolloomooloo - It's our Mississippi.
• Strewth!
• England's Alcatraz.
• The land our Prime Minister once called "the arse end of the world". In one of his more polite statements.
• Our national emblem is the cooler.
• If you go home sober, you were somewhere else!

Getting into the spirit of things, here are a few additional slogans which may or may not reflect the true nature of Australia:

• It'll never fly
• Not just a nation, a continent
• Demographically, Australia's people are like soap scum around a sand-filled tub
• We'll fight in any war that has English speaking people in it
• The Greater West Oceania Co-Prosperity Sphere, What'd ya think?
• That's not a knife, this is a knife

Interesting, and I'm half way there.

NASA admits that even the effing chicoms could get back to the moon before they can. Sad, sad, sad.

New York, queen of cities, and city of queens. But did you know that New York isn't just a pestilential shitheap of urbanization gone mad, but an actual state with a capitol and everything? It's true.

• You may love NY, but New York Loves You, I mean, Loves You
• More Jews than Judea!
• The Go F#@$% Yourself State
• New Safe Version -- Now With 30% Fewer Murders!
• Get your 9/11 FunPass!
• Birthplace of Organized Crime
• Gateway to Quebec
• We may be close to, but we insist that we are not New Jersey!
• Come be our Senator!
• You Have The Right To Remain Silent...
• We're more than a big city; we're a state!
• The Affiliated Businesses of 9/11-Related Tourism State
• Like we care about a motto
• When we say “Empire” we mean “Empire.” You’ll see.
• English spoken here; sometimes
• Yes, We Have Some Other Cities
• Better Air Than New Jersey
• I got your motto right here!
• Come get mugged in New York!
• Just try to spend more for gas!
• Born Free, Taxed To Death
• The smell isn’t so bad since we got rid of the garbage mountains
• Home of Buffalo, but not proud of it
• Whatta You Lookin' At, Punk?
• The Only State
• Come for the skyline, stay because you were mugged and don't have cabfare to the airport.
• Our Thing
• Cosmopolitan and Provincial
• Home to the two most impressive presidents in US History: Martin van Buren and Millard Fillmore
• Yes, Millard Fillmore was the President
• If you get real close, you can look up Lady Liberty’s dress
• Uncomfortably close to Pennsylvania
• New Netherland
• While it is still illegal to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, you can float down the East River in one
• Please somebody tell us what the fuck a “Kickerbocker” is
• Not the only state named after poncy British royalty

[wik] Did you know the capitol of the United States was once a bar in Jersey? True fact.

After a long - and perhaps justified - hiatus, the Ministry educational series, “Know your state mottoes” returns with that most statelike of states, New Mexico:

• I am become death, the destroyer of worlds
• Lizards make excellent pets
• We have reservations
• Yes, those are crosshairs on our flag, why?
• We may be new, but we’re not New Jersey.
• We’re the bomb
• Alien Welcome Center
• Like Old Mexico, Only Less Old
• We are TOO a State!
• Turquoise, Turquoise, Turquoise
• Just Deserts
• Bam!
• The Complimentary Bolo Tie State
• More than Just Sand, Rocks and Heat. Okay, Just Sand Rocks and Heat
• Soon to be Old Mexico
• It’s a dry heat, but then so’s the inside of an oven
• Really New, unlike faux new states like New Hampshire, New York and New Jersey.
• Almost as many nuclear explosions as Nevada
• It grows as it goes
• Birthplace of the fucking bomb
• Everybody is somebody in New Mexico, and therefore nobody is anybody
• Better than the Old Mexico
• The Elephant Butte State
• The Potash State
• Home of the New Mexico Cutthroat Trout
• You did make a wrong turn at Albuquerque

[wik] One of those mottoes is the actual state motto of New Mexico. Can you guess which one it is?

[alsø wik] I think it explains a lot that the most famous New Mexican short of Smokey the Bear, John Denver, is from Roswell.

[alsø alsø wik] In some isolated villages, such as Truchas, Chimayo', and Coyote in north-central New Mexico, some descendants of Spanish conquistadors still speak a form of 16th century Spanish used no where else in the world today. Like the Millunjins from West Virginia.