perfidy

The recent wave of intelligent design advocates arguing for the inclusion of creation science into the curricula of high schools throughout our counry has aroused stiff resistance from the advocates of evolution, science and those with more than three neurons to rub together. This was to be expected, since most of us thought that this issue had been resolved round the time of Scopes and his infamous monkey. (Not infamous that way, you pervert.)

However, these are not the only people upset by the biblical intelligent design advocates. Some people are upset because their creation theory is getting short shrift thanks to all the greedy god botherers pushing the Genesis account.

In an open letter to the Kansas School Board, these oppressed individuals are making their case for an intelligent design theory that, on first glance, seems far more probable - and explains a lot more than what we've been used to so far. Witness:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

Having made their case for a fair hearing, they proceed to give us some details of their rich and inventive belief system:

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

But don’t make the mistake of thinking that this is mere hand-waving and ridiculousness. They have evidence:

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

You can also see the beautiful iconography developed by this heretofore unknown sect:

We need to embrace this new faith.

We need to be touched in our hearts by His noodly appendage.

You can also buy tshirts and mugs.