Huh... a knife.
If by chance you are feeling good about the prospects for survival of the human race, and us by-God Amurricans first among them, as a corrective I recommend you go read this article about teaching high school students Shakespeare in translation. To English.
[wik] But just think of the fun you can have!
Old and busted: "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
New hotness: "Bitches, man."
Old and busted: "Cry havoc.... and let slip the dogs of war!"
New hotness: "Let's get it on!"
Old and busted: "Hoist on his own petard."
New hotness: "D'oh!"
Old and busted: "To be, or not to be. That is the question."
New hotness: "I hurt myself today / To see if I still feel./ I focus on the pain / It's the only thing that's real."
Old and busted:
"Hear him but reason in divinity,
And all-admiring with an inward wish
You would desire the king were made a prelate:
Hear him debate of commonwealth affairs,
You would say it hath been all in all his study:
List his discourse of war, and you shall hear
A fearful battle render'd you in music:
Turn him to any cause of policy,
The Gordian knot of it he will unloose,
Familiar as his garter: that, when he speaks,
The air, a charter'd libertine, is still,
And the mute wonder lurketh in men's ears,
To steal his sweet and honey'd sentences;
So that the art and practic part of life
Must be the mistress to this theoric:
Which is a wonder how his grace should glean it,
Since his addiction was to courses vain,
His companies unletter'd, rude and shallow,
His hours fill'd up with riots, banquets, sports,
And never noted in him any study,
Any retirement, any sequestration
From open haunts and popularity.
New hotness: ".... um... is something else on?"
on
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This is fun! "Bitches, man"
This is fun! "Bitches, man" indeed. Consider:
Old and busted: "O Woe the day!"
New hotness: "Fuck!"
Old and busted: "No harm. I have done nothing but in care of thee, of thee, my dear one, thee, my daughter, who Art ignorant of what thou art, nought knowing Of whence I am, nor that I am more better Than Prospero, master of a full poor cell, And thy no greater father."
New hotness: "It's all good."
Old and busted: "I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs."
New hotness: "Yo' daughter hookin' up wit a bruthuh"
How about,
How about,
"Fie! Oh Fie!" = "Man, dass whack."
Should be:
Should be:
Old and busted: "Cry havoc.... and let slip the dogs of war!"
New hotness: "Let's roll!"
Just think what could be done with Henry the Fifth
Old and busted: "This day is called the feast of Crispian:
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars.
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.'
Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember with advantages
What feats he did that day: then shall our names.
Familiar in his mouth as household words
Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester,
Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remember'd;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
New Hotness: You sorry motherfuckers are gonna bitch and moan 'cuz you wasn't here to jack up some Frogs, pop caps in some aristos, get all the props. Damn!