Scottish Researchers Discover Perfect Sandwich
... or at least the perfect sandwich for Scottish people. Disgusting.
The classic cheese and pickle sandwich, eaten in front of the television, has been shown to constitute the ideal sandwich, according to research carried out for British Bread Month.A nationwide survey quizzed respondents on the ingredients and conditions of the perfect sandwich they made at home and came up with the following equation:
ps = 0.225b + 0.134c + 0.127s + 0.196f + 0.136p +0.181e
The final equation identifies the optimum thickness and type of bread (b), type and thickness of cheese (c), type and thickness of spread (s), additional filling (f), method of presentation (p), and where it should be eaten (e).
The perfect sandwich is made using strong or mature Cheddar on medium, pre-sliced round-top white bread with a thin spread of vegetable margarine, cut diagonally and eaten at home for lunch in front of the television.
Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
White bread: wrong! Margarine!?!??!?? WRONG! Pickle ("chutney")? Meh.
The perfect HOMEMADE sandwich consists of: thinly-sliced very well marbled medium rare roast beef (cold); paper-thin slices of red onion; paper-thin slices of European Swiss cheese; and as much brown mustard containing horseradish as you care to add; all on 2 (two) slices seeded rye bread, lightly toasted if desired. That is all.
Though I will also put in a good word for the Reuben, properly made, any sandwich of roasted vegetables on a baguette, as long as the quality of viniagrette is high, a muffaletta, and hot dogs after drinking.
Every thinking person knows that the perfect STORE-BOUGHT sandwich comes from Primanti Bros. in Pittsburgh, PA, with an honorable mention going to any one of several delicatessens in the Northeast and Mid-Atlantic States.
The perfect seafood sandwich is a lobster roll, not too much mayo, hold the celery.
The perfect deadly sandwich is the kabob I had that one time in Glasgow, the one that kept me up all night long and led to a rather humilating episode the next day on the train between Newcastle and Bury St. Edmunds. I had to burn that set of clothes.
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Our Minister Emeritus, Mike,
Our Minister Emeritus, Mike, used to state that "happiness is a sandwich." While profound and helpful as a guide to enlightened living, it sadly did not provide much information on the best type of sandwhich. For my money - and as long as you are excluding hamburgers from the competition - there are three best sandwiches. If we are speaking of a sandwich intended to be eaten as the centerpiece of a meal - perhaps with a small entourage of chips or other delicacies, the perfect sandwich is very close to Johno's prescription:
thinly-sliced very well marbled medium rare roast beef (ice cold), a slice of provolone cheese, one leaf of lettuce, and a thick slathering of unsalted butter mixed with garlic and oregano, presented on thick slices of a hearty whitish bread, preferably with a nice crust, toasted.
For sandwiches intended to accompany a soup, you must go the grilled route. Thin sliced italian or french bread around the filling, and grilled in pure butter. Grill one side, flip, coat the upper side with butter, flip and repeat. Depending on the soup, the filling should be: for tomato based soups: one slice american cheese, one slice mild cheddar, one slice mozarella - all thinly sliced. For stews and chicken - type soups, peanut butter and jelly. Jiffy extra crunchy peanut butter, and blackcurrant jam to be precise.
And then, for late night snacking, the bologna sandwich. Three slices of bologna, thick slices of bakery bread - any will do - and whatever cheeses, condiments, vegetables and small animals you can catch and stick in the sandwich. If you're feeling industrious, toast and butter the bread before assembly.
Buckethead: ice cold is no
Buckethead: ice cold is no good. Cold ingredients do not taste as strongly as warmer ones (which is why Coke is achingly sweet at room temp). Roast beef must be served at temperatures exceeding fifty degrees faherenheit, no less.
There is room in this world for all types, but I must insist that the perfect sandwich accompaniment to soups and stews is a cheese sandwich, on toast, with mustard. Very sharp cheddar and aged unsmoked gouda, brown mustard, and the bread of your choice.
QED
I like the contrast between
I like the contrast between warm toasty bread and cold stuff in the middle. And much as I like cheese, it doesn't go with everything. And anyway, I can't eat mustard without dire consequences.