perfidy

A tiny, tiny little burg in Texas has officially changed its name to "DISH." In return, the greedy yet unambitious residents will get free satellite TV for ten years. DISH Network will get some publicity at essentially no cost, and the residents will have sold their dignity for a mess of media.

This is but the latest incarnation of the commodification of place names. The first wave was selling naming rights to arenas and other venues for corporate sponsorship dollars. The PSINet stadium in Baltimore. The Lockheed Martin IMAX Theater in the National Air and Space Museum. And countless other examples. Now, whole towns are giving it up for corporate bucks. A while back, Halfway, Oregon changed its name to half.com for a year.

I have no brief against corporations doing their thing and making money. In recent years, the best entertainment on television has often been the commercials; which are more innovative short for cinema than they are crass advertisements. But this trend is somehow across the blurry and ill-defined line between healthy self-advocacy and stunningly bad taste.

Not long ago, the FBI uncovered an enormous bribery scam in the South Carolina legislature. Delegates were blatantly selling votes for money. A sizable fraction of the SC Senate was convicted of bribery. The thing that stuck with me was a quote from the lead investigator, something on the order of, "What surprised was not that the Senators were selling votes. What suprised us was how cheaply they were selling them for." Some votes were bought for as little as a hundred dollars.

This is how the town of Clark, Texas became the town of DISH, Texas. If you're going to sell your soul, don't sell it for a lollypop and a soda.

• Noodle, Tx could become Cup-A-Noodle for a year's supply of soup for each resident.
• Telephone, Tx could become AT&T, Tx for a year a free long distance calling. (If they're smart, they could start a bidding war...)
• Dime Box, Tx could change its name to Dime Bag for free Anthrax concerts.
• Birthright, Tx could get some promotional consideration from manufacturers of the pill by changing to Birth Control, Tx.
• Cash, TX could become the launch pad for the movie, I Walk the Line without even changing its name.
• Ding Dong, Tx is another town that wouldn't even need to change its name.

I just hope we never see a Viagra, in any state. At least we'd know where not to go.

The sex industry would have a field day offering promotions in Pennsylvania, many towns there wouldn't even need to change their names: Porkey, Blue Ball, Intercourse, Pleasant Union, and Climax. Apparently, Blue Ball is very near to Intercourse. Cross promotion! And if none of those products work, there's always Panic.

Outside of Pennsylvania, the possibilities are endless. Just imagine what could be done in these towns:

• Goodfood, Mississippi
• Hot Coffee, Mississippi
• Footville, Wisconsin
• Fort Dick, California
• Hicksville, Ohio
• Number Nine, Massachusetts
• Superior Bottom, West Virginia
• Disco, Tennessee
• Hooker, Arkansas
• Roachtown, Illinois
• Smackover, Arkansas
• Bumpass, Virginia
• Glasscock, Texas

It turns out that Newfoundland would be a marketer's paradise. Look at these names:

• Dildo
• Conception Bay
• Blow Me Down
• Come By Chance
• Pothead
• Whitless Bay
• Cow's Head
• Cupid
• Bacon Cove
• Happy Adventure
• Heart's Desire
• Heart's Content
• Heart's Delight
• Bareneed