perfidy

I almost inexpressibly happy.  I am floating on air.  I am tingly with joy.  I am so happy, if I saw a congressman, I wouldn't spit on him.

Why? The materialistic and gadget addicted side of Buckethead has been deeply unhappy for much of 2010. Because on the day after Christmas, his dog Kasey gave him an anti-Christmas present. Kasey committed the unforgivable sin of breaking his master's iPhone. Horror!

I was walking Kasey, waiting patiently for him to find a suitable pile of snow to piss on. I realize that this is a difficult process, piles of snow being so different and all. So I was reading something or other on my iPhone and smoking a smoke when tragically, Kasey saw a squirrel or snow weasel or some damn thing and jerked on the leash. Which jerked my hand. Which held the iPhone. Which then wasn't holding the iPhone. The iPhone flipped up, did a one and a half gainer, and did a belly flop glass down on the pavement. 10.0 from the East German judge, but the glass was cracked.

Here's the villain, looking remorseful:

The only thing damaged was the glass surface - the underlying screen and touch sensors were still functional. For about a month, I continued to use the phone while I tried to figure out what course to follow for repairs. Every time I swiped my finger over the cracked glass, I cried a little tear inside.

Apple wanted $200 to fix the glass. "$200!" I exclaimed, "That's the price of a new phone!" "A new, unsubsidized phone is $650," the Apple Store employee helpfully pointed out. Well, that seemed high, seeing that you could buy the glass part for $25 online. Of course, I couldn't get a subsidized phone, I'd used my upgrade to get the one that lay, broken, before me. Mrs. Buckethead is eligible for an upgrade, but wasting her upgrade on a replacement phone for me seemed, well, unseemly. Also stupid, since I was planning on using her upgrade to get me an iPhone 4.0 when it comes out in June.

I dithered on ordering the parts and doing the repair myself. On the one hand, I'm moderately handy with electronics. I've built my own computers. I can repair things. I can make things better than they were before. On the other hand, the iPhone is a $600 piece of magical technology made out of rainbows and leprechaun brains, hand crafted by Unicorns. After deep soul searching and comparing the $50 with $200, I decided to order the parts.

The parts arrived, and I disassembled my phone using custom made plastic prybars and a suction cup. I removed twenty dozen molecule-sized screws. I pulled the screen assembly out of the phone. I disconnected things. The tricky bit was getting the LCD screen out and away from the glass. I removed the broken glass, not even cutting myself. I installed the new glass, reassembled the phone, and proudly turned it back on.

Holy mother of fuck, I broke the LCD display when I twisted it to get it out of the frame.

I cried bitter, bitter tears. It seems that LCD screens do not tolerate twisting, even in small, repair-justified amounts.

I tried not to think about my phone. About as successfully as you can avoid noticing you've amputated your arm. Because, after two and a half years, losing the phone was like losing an arm. I borrowed my wife's iPhone - my original iPhone. But that was like losing an arm and replacing it with one of those creepy hook things. Sure you can pick things up, but you scare small children. I wanted the full 3GS goodness.  I wanted my arm back.

So I looked online again. Some people warned against the online repair shops. Plus, shipping costs yet money. I decided to go with a local repair shop that was "only two blocks from the metro." Turns out, that's actually five blocks, not one of which has plowed sidewalks. And uphill both ways.  But anyway.

Dropped the maimed iPhone off with the helpful and condescending lackey. And three days and $200 later, I have a working iPhone again. And I am whole and happy once more.

This whole experience has been stuffed to the gills with lessons, moral and otherwise.

• One, never trust dogs. The little bastards don't care what you've got in your hand when they see an ice weasel. This obviously has implications beyond iPhones.
• Two, $30 for an iPhone case is cheaper than $250 in iPhone repair costs. You'd think that would be obvious. But it ain't.
• Three, I am completely and unabashedly addicted to my iPhone. I was briefly embarrassed by the extent and deepness of my affliction. But really, why shouldn't I be dependent on something so damn useful? Do you think your dependence on, say, the internet or cars is ridiculous?
• Four, I went down the road my Grandfather always walked, the one that made my grandmother say, "We fix everything twice." I spent $250 repairing the phone, and a lot more trouble. If I'd just gone to Apple I'd have had it fixed sooner, spent less money and wouldn't have violated my warranty.
• Five, I know all I have to do to recapture this feeling is buy an iPad next month.