The English Bitch, Volume I
There are numerous examples of distorted language I, and I expect you, hear every day. Mangled pronunciation. The dearth of subject-verb agreement, and the new tyranny of the pronoun "they". Weird pluralization too, like the time in Atlanta when an airport announcer implored passengers, at least three times, to retrieve their "luggages"; I about had a hot, frothy fit on the spot.
But nothing in spoken English gets up my ass so thoroughly as vacuous business-speak, and one simple word in particular makes me want to climb up the tower and either ring the bells madly or snuggle into a cozy sniper perch: "solution".
I'm not completely unaware of the use of the word as a noun largely devoid of meaning. Every technology company since 1994 either provides solutions, builds solutions, or can help you find your solution. I often wonder, in fact, what companies were doing before they all devoted themselves to making solutions. What I didn't appreciate though was that the word had filtered down into everyday simple ad copy.
Last Sunday I was going through some prices on laptops by a certain electronics distributor. It was there I read not one, not twice, but several times, text describing a model as a "solution". The ad would read something like, "This is IBM's most rugged solution"; or, "Look no further for a solution under $1200"; or, "ACER's new frammis chip is the solution that drives their portable solution". A what? For what?! I thought I was after a computer...
Solutions answer problems. And wanting a new computer is not neccessarily a fucking puzzle.
Let me put it another way. Say you and I are working on my non-green, hippy-hating SUV. Let's keep the example simple, and we're doing something routine...say we're, I dunno, replacing the razing wire strung around the roof. And let's say that at one point I tell you I need a 3/4" wrench, you hand me a 3/4" wrench, and say, "there's your Craftsman bolt solution." I would take it, rap the top of your mushy head with it, and ask you whether that felt like a solution or a wrench. Because it's a fucking wrench.
Your car is not your "transportation solution". It's a fucking car. Your steak is not your "nutrition solution". It's a fucking steak. My scroty bag is not my "reproductive portability solution". It's my nutsack. Um, and so forth and so on.
So. If you use this word regularly yet you are not a scientist or mathematician, fucking cut it out already.
This concludes this installment of The English Bitch. We now return to The Buckethead Show, already in progress.
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As a technical writer in the
As a technical writer in the software industry, I have become inured to that sort of speech. It's mandatory, really. If you make a studied attempt to avoid buzzwords, you sound incompetent to the other geeks. You're screwed, good engrish-wise.
Other fun buzzwords of limited meaning include "dashboard", "leverages", "functionality", "collaborative", "actionable" or "action item", "architect" (as verb), "Next Generation", "Structures" (as verb), and so on ad nauseum.
The thing that really piths my gourd is the use of nouns as verbs. I hate that.
Other resources:
The Dilbert Mission Statement Generator, BuzzWhack - which has several examples of hideous marketing speak - and BuzzwordHell,
"Functionality"...grrrrr....
"Functionality"...grrrrr....
Lately though the rising star on my shitlist- a weird mixed metaphor, I grant you- is "piece", ie,
"Once we're set with the development piece, we'll forward [note "forward" as verb, here]to the functionality piece."
In my line of work marketroidy lingo exists on a smaller scale, but is arguably the last place you'd expect it to exist at all.
It's funny though, in a deeply warped way, that NOT using asinine jargon makes you sound incompetent.
Just say "Impact" if you can
Just say "Impact" if you can't figure out the difference between "effect" and "affect." Use it as a verb or a noun – your choice.
Keep saying it until my toe impacts your balls.
Just say "impact" even if you
Just say "impact" even if you do know the diff..."impact" sounds cool.
Mine is "the next level," as
Mine is "the next level," as in "take (blah blah blah) to the next level." That's not an objective. Let's face it, sucking less gives you a valid claim to the next level.